Apologies for not checking in for a few days. Life has been pretty busy lately, mostly all good things, and I just haven't had much free time. I'm trying to buy a house (more on that later in the week), keep up with my swimming, plus squeeze in some time with P and, oh, do some actual work!
Swimming has been such a positive change over the past two weeks. It's hard to find the time to get to the pool, but when I do, it's incredibly relaxing and really helps me puzzle through whatever's on my mind. And not only do I enjoy the exercise, but I also love the symbolism of it. A year or so ago, I often felt like I was drowning and now here I am not just afloat, but powering through the water.
I've also felt a big change with P. It may be just that I am feeling more comfortable and secure in the relationship, but I think he's also opening up more too. Being with him feels, finally, like a source of calm and happiness rather than a source of anxiety and insecurity. We seem to have settled into an easy, relaxed relationship, and I just love being around him with none of that sort of crazy obsessiveness I've felt in previous relationships (and for a time, in this one). I am also happy to discover that when I have good news or bad, he's the first person I want to talk to.
Wish me luck! Within the next day or so I should know for sure whether I can buy a house now, and if so, I may even have an offer in!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
What a Difference a Week Makes?
Today is a very good day. Things were tough earlier in the week, but I got two very welcome bits of news today. First, I found out that I can buy a new house no matter what happens with my current home. ExH and I have applied to our mortgage company to allow him to assume the mortgage and I thought that if they said no, I'd have to rent. But a chance conversation with a mortgage lender changed all that -- she can qualify me regardless as long as I can prove exH has been paying the current loan for at least a year. So, new house, here we come! Keep your fingers crossed that I can get the one I have my eye on.
The second piece of good news is that exH finally agreed to the separation terms so our divorce can proceed. That is such a huge, huge relief. He'll still have one more chance to fight it if he wants, but this was a major first step.
If Wishes Were Changes ... (from one of my favorite songs)
So the week that started off so low is ending on a high. P lent me a book on positive thinking and I think it might be working! I have really focused the past week on a few "wishes" and two seem to be coming true already. Here's what I have been focusing on:
1. Finding a great home for me and the kids (big step forward today)
2. Finalizing the divorce (another big step today)
3. Getting in shape (I swam three times this week!)
4. Paying off debt (going slower than I hoped, but it's happening)
5. Being secure and confident in my relationship with P (also slowly but surely)
6. Getting a promotion at work (this is a 6-12 month goal)
Some of these are under my control, others aren't, but I'm putting them out there regardless. Universe, are you listening?
The second piece of good news is that exH finally agreed to the separation terms so our divorce can proceed. That is such a huge, huge relief. He'll still have one more chance to fight it if he wants, but this was a major first step.
If Wishes Were Changes ... (from one of my favorite songs)
So the week that started off so low is ending on a high. P lent me a book on positive thinking and I think it might be working! I have really focused the past week on a few "wishes" and two seem to be coming true already. Here's what I have been focusing on:
1. Finding a great home for me and the kids (big step forward today)
2. Finalizing the divorce (another big step today)
3. Getting in shape (I swam three times this week!)
4. Paying off debt (going slower than I hoped, but it's happening)
5. Being secure and confident in my relationship with P (also slowly but surely)
6. Getting a promotion at work (this is a 6-12 month goal)
Some of these are under my control, others aren't, but I'm putting them out there regardless. Universe, are you listening?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Things Fall Apart
Look, most days, I'm fine. Sometimes even better than fine. I can count the number of times I've lost it over the past 14 months on both hands. Still, it happens. And when it does, I'm completely thrown for a loop.
Things have been going along relatively smoothly lately. ExH was out of town (and more to the point, out of cell reach) so he hadn't been causing any trouble. P, despite a in-the-grand-scheme-of-things small screwup on Thursday, has been good, listening to my various problems patiently and offering what he could in the way of support. Work has been quiet, which is boring, but certainly not stressful. So it seemed out of the blue last night when suddenly, in the middle of Lulu and Boo's bath, when I was struck by a wave of "I just can't take it one more day." I managed to get through dinner and bedtime without collapsing, but the wave kept pulling me under like when you're standing on the beach and the sand is slowly eroding out from under your feet.
I ran a bath in my beloved gigantic tub (must enjoy it as much as possible before I move), poured a comically large glass of Shiraz, and tried to figure out what was causing the angst. A lot of it, I think, is uncertainty over the future. I know the kids and I will most likely be moving this summer, but whether I can buy or will have to rent is unknown, and that dictates somewhat where we can move. Finances are causing me stress, as usual. I just paid an astronomical amount for summer camps for Lulu, which are a requirement since I work full-time. My bonus arrives tomorrow, which will wipe out much of my remaining non-car, non-mortgage debt (well, it would have if not for camp costs), but I don't know exactly what it will be post-tax. Still, I am so grateful for this money. It's not a lot, but for me right now, it's a life saver. Finally, exH STILL has not agreed to the divorce terms, though he promises he will this week. I've heard that before.
So how to manage the uncertainty and stay focused on NOW? I've never been good at this (see my last post!).
Things have been going along relatively smoothly lately. ExH was out of town (and more to the point, out of cell reach) so he hadn't been causing any trouble. P, despite a in-the-grand-scheme-of-things small screwup on Thursday, has been good, listening to my various problems patiently and offering what he could in the way of support. Work has been quiet, which is boring, but certainly not stressful. So it seemed out of the blue last night when suddenly, in the middle of Lulu and Boo's bath, when I was struck by a wave of "I just can't take it one more day." I managed to get through dinner and bedtime without collapsing, but the wave kept pulling me under like when you're standing on the beach and the sand is slowly eroding out from under your feet.
I ran a bath in my beloved gigantic tub (must enjoy it as much as possible before I move), poured a comically large glass of Shiraz, and tried to figure out what was causing the angst. A lot of it, I think, is uncertainty over the future. I know the kids and I will most likely be moving this summer, but whether I can buy or will have to rent is unknown, and that dictates somewhat where we can move. Finances are causing me stress, as usual. I just paid an astronomical amount for summer camps for Lulu, which are a requirement since I work full-time. My bonus arrives tomorrow, which will wipe out much of my remaining non-car, non-mortgage debt (well, it would have if not for camp costs), but I don't know exactly what it will be post-tax. Still, I am so grateful for this money. It's not a lot, but for me right now, it's a life saver. Finally, exH STILL has not agreed to the divorce terms, though he promises he will this week. I've heard that before.
So how to manage the uncertainty and stay focused on NOW? I've never been good at this (see my last post!).
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Girl in a Hurry
I've always been in a rush. Have you ever heard the Billy Joel song "Vienna"? Here are a few excerpts:
That song could have been written about me. I've been in a hurry since the day I was born, it seems. I walked early, read early, graduated college in three years. I had my first national magazine cover story at 22 and bought my first house at 25. I've always had my eye on what's next, so much so that I often neglected to enjoy what I had already accomplished. I was too focused on the next promotion, the next job, the next house. Until it all fell apart and I was forced to take a big step backward instead of racing forward.
For the first time ever, I've had to live in the moment because the future is totally up in the air. I can't move out of this house until the divorce papers are filed (because exH moved to another state when we split, one of us has to be living here to file) and right now, I don't even know if I will be able to buy a new place or rent. (We're waiting on the bank to decide whether to let me off the mortgage.) I don't know where Lulu will go to school next year. I can't put in the extra hours at work right now to make the case for a promotion. Things with P are too new (and he is too ... whatever) for a future to be anything more than a fleeting glimpse of sunlight through a heavy fog of uncertainty.
I have no idea where I will be this time next year or the year after. Heck, even next month is a little iffy. Certainly a year ago, I could never have imagined that I would be in the situation I am in now ... allowing exH to move back in, giving him dating advice, dating a new guy myself (and P at that!), happily living on a drastically reduced budget. All things that would have seemed impossible last April.
So with no future to obsessively plan for, I've got nothing better to do than live in the present. And it's not so bad not to know where I'm going ... the possibilities are open and endless.
Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid? ...
Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right, you're right
That song could have been written about me. I've been in a hurry since the day I was born, it seems. I walked early, read early, graduated college in three years. I had my first national magazine cover story at 22 and bought my first house at 25. I've always had my eye on what's next, so much so that I often neglected to enjoy what I had already accomplished. I was too focused on the next promotion, the next job, the next house. Until it all fell apart and I was forced to take a big step backward instead of racing forward.
For the first time ever, I've had to live in the moment because the future is totally up in the air. I can't move out of this house until the divorce papers are filed (because exH moved to another state when we split, one of us has to be living here to file) and right now, I don't even know if I will be able to buy a new place or rent. (We're waiting on the bank to decide whether to let me off the mortgage.) I don't know where Lulu will go to school next year. I can't put in the extra hours at work right now to make the case for a promotion. Things with P are too new (and he is too ... whatever) for a future to be anything more than a fleeting glimpse of sunlight through a heavy fog of uncertainty.
I have no idea where I will be this time next year or the year after. Heck, even next month is a little iffy. Certainly a year ago, I could never have imagined that I would be in the situation I am in now ... allowing exH to move back in, giving him dating advice, dating a new guy myself (and P at that!), happily living on a drastically reduced budget. All things that would have seemed impossible last April.
So with no future to obsessively plan for, I've got nothing better to do than live in the present. And it's not so bad not to know where I'm going ... the possibilities are open and endless.
Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize ... Vienna waits for you?
Thursday, April 15, 2010
10 Things
Today started out great. I was rocking a cute outfit, the weather was 60s and sunny, and I was looking forward to grilling steaks and having a few drinks with P on my balcony in the evening. But P let me down and now it doesn't seem like a very good day at all. It's the first time he has done that, and I don't know yet how I feel or what I want to do. I let him know I was disappointed. He apologized. I need to sleep on it to know where I want to go from here.
It helps on days when things go wrong to remind myself of all the things that are going right in my life. So here are 10 things that I'm grateful for, even when I'm sad.
1. My kids! Lulu and Boo are funny and cute and sweet. They love me. They love me when I'm happy. They love me when I'm grouchy. I wore new shoes today, and as new shoes often do, they irritated one heel and I put a band-aid on to keep it from blistering. Boo was so concerned when he saw it and insisted on giving my heel a kiss. You can't buy that kind of devotion. I am so lucky to have them.
2. I have a job. A good one. When a lot of people don't. I may bitch and moan about something here or there, but at the end of the day, I have a job that pays me well, that is interesting and challenging. I have coworkers who respect me, a boss who supports me, and a schedule that allows me to be with my kids more than most working moms can.
3. I had the courage to end my marriage. It was scary. I doubted myself. I wasn't sure I could make it. But exH did not treat me well when we were together and he wasn't the right person for me from the start. I wanted to leave for nearly three years. THREE YEARS! But I wasn't brave enough. Finally, he cheated, I kicked him out, and I've never once looked back. I won my independence, and I cherish it.
4. That said, I have just about the best relationship now with exH as anyone could have with a former spouse. We bicker and get on each other's nerves, sure, but all in all, he's a good dad and he's trying to do right by me and the kids. It may not be perfect, but it could be SO much worse.
5. I'm healthy. Thank god I have the good health and energy to physically and mentally function as I need to to take care of the kids, perform at my job, and take care of myself.
6. I have an amazing family. My mom would literally do anything for me. Anything. I try not to take advantage of that, but it's nice to know she's there. Lulu, Boo, and I will never want for anything if she can help it, whether that's love, money, a home, whatever. My stepfather loves me as his own. My sister is far away, and we are far apart in age so not always as close as we'd both like, but I know she'd be there for me if I needed her.
7. I have a few true friends. My close friendships are not without complications, but they are real and deep and lasting. I don't have a lot of close friends, but I have three who would (and in a few cases, have) been there in the middle of the night when I needed them. I am terrible about keeping in touch regularly, but it doesn't seem to matter. When I need them, they are magically there. I am not as good a friend to at least one of them as I should be, but she is still there.
8. I am a week away from being almost debt-free. I will still have a car payment and for now, a mortgage, but everything else will be paid off in one week. You will have no idea how hard I've worked for this. I have not been debt-free since I got my first credit card in college. But I will be next week and I hope I can stay that way.
9. I'm loving and lovable. There is no doubt in my mind that there will be another great love (sadly, exH doesn't even qualify, but there were others who did). It may not be P, or even the guy after P, but it will happen. I fall in love easily and happily. I love love. Men tend to be drawn to me because I genuinely like them and find them fascinating. I am assured by others that there are at least four men at work who harbor some sort of crush on me (not even counting P). Nothing will come of them other than friendship, but it's nice to be loved.
10. I am resilient. I have not had the toughest life, for sure, but it hasn't been the easiest either. My dad died when I was 8, leaving behind a secret life for my mom to discover. My mom, understandably, went a little crazy for a few years while I cared for myself and my sister, who was just a baby. I made it through that.
I changed schools 8 times in 12 years. My mom remarried a guy who was legitimately crazy and blamed me for their eventual problems. (She eventually divorced that nut and married a saint whom I and my kids adore.) I was a bit messed up about relationships and struggled throughout high school and college not to drown myself in boys. I made it through all that, too.
I ended up marrying someone with his own troubled past, who turned out to have severe (but undiagnosed) ADHD and an alcohol problem and anger issues to boot. By the time I saw his behavior toward me for the verbal and emotional abuse it was, I had a baby. Then another, because even though I knew by then that I was going to be a single mother, I desperately wanted a second child. And god help me if I didn't have Boo in my life. There were times during my pregnancy with him that I wasn't sure I could take it one more day. And, not even born yet, he saved me. Then exH worsened, blaming me for everything that didn't go right, and finally cheating on me. I made it though that also. I can survive anything.
Anything.
It helps on days when things go wrong to remind myself of all the things that are going right in my life. So here are 10 things that I'm grateful for, even when I'm sad.
1. My kids! Lulu and Boo are funny and cute and sweet. They love me. They love me when I'm happy. They love me when I'm grouchy. I wore new shoes today, and as new shoes often do, they irritated one heel and I put a band-aid on to keep it from blistering. Boo was so concerned when he saw it and insisted on giving my heel a kiss. You can't buy that kind of devotion. I am so lucky to have them.
2. I have a job. A good one. When a lot of people don't. I may bitch and moan about something here or there, but at the end of the day, I have a job that pays me well, that is interesting and challenging. I have coworkers who respect me, a boss who supports me, and a schedule that allows me to be with my kids more than most working moms can.
3. I had the courage to end my marriage. It was scary. I doubted myself. I wasn't sure I could make it. But exH did not treat me well when we were together and he wasn't the right person for me from the start. I wanted to leave for nearly three years. THREE YEARS! But I wasn't brave enough. Finally, he cheated, I kicked him out, and I've never once looked back. I won my independence, and I cherish it.
4. That said, I have just about the best relationship now with exH as anyone could have with a former spouse. We bicker and get on each other's nerves, sure, but all in all, he's a good dad and he's trying to do right by me and the kids. It may not be perfect, but it could be SO much worse.
5. I'm healthy. Thank god I have the good health and energy to physically and mentally function as I need to to take care of the kids, perform at my job, and take care of myself.
6. I have an amazing family. My mom would literally do anything for me. Anything. I try not to take advantage of that, but it's nice to know she's there. Lulu, Boo, and I will never want for anything if she can help it, whether that's love, money, a home, whatever. My stepfather loves me as his own. My sister is far away, and we are far apart in age so not always as close as we'd both like, but I know she'd be there for me if I needed her.
7. I have a few true friends. My close friendships are not without complications, but they are real and deep and lasting. I don't have a lot of close friends, but I have three who would (and in a few cases, have) been there in the middle of the night when I needed them. I am terrible about keeping in touch regularly, but it doesn't seem to matter. When I need them, they are magically there. I am not as good a friend to at least one of them as I should be, but she is still there.
8. I am a week away from being almost debt-free. I will still have a car payment and for now, a mortgage, but everything else will be paid off in one week. You will have no idea how hard I've worked for this. I have not been debt-free since I got my first credit card in college. But I will be next week and I hope I can stay that way.
9. I'm loving and lovable. There is no doubt in my mind that there will be another great love (sadly, exH doesn't even qualify, but there were others who did). It may not be P, or even the guy after P, but it will happen. I fall in love easily and happily. I love love. Men tend to be drawn to me because I genuinely like them and find them fascinating. I am assured by others that there are at least four men at work who harbor some sort of crush on me (not even counting P). Nothing will come of them other than friendship, but it's nice to be loved.
10. I am resilient. I have not had the toughest life, for sure, but it hasn't been the easiest either. My dad died when I was 8, leaving behind a secret life for my mom to discover. My mom, understandably, went a little crazy for a few years while I cared for myself and my sister, who was just a baby. I made it through that.
I changed schools 8 times in 12 years. My mom remarried a guy who was legitimately crazy and blamed me for their eventual problems. (She eventually divorced that nut and married a saint whom I and my kids adore.) I was a bit messed up about relationships and struggled throughout high school and college not to drown myself in boys. I made it through all that, too.
I ended up marrying someone with his own troubled past, who turned out to have severe (but undiagnosed) ADHD and an alcohol problem and anger issues to boot. By the time I saw his behavior toward me for the verbal and emotional abuse it was, I had a baby. Then another, because even though I knew by then that I was going to be a single mother, I desperately wanted a second child. And god help me if I didn't have Boo in my life. There were times during my pregnancy with him that I wasn't sure I could take it one more day. And, not even born yet, he saved me. Then exH worsened, blaming me for everything that didn't go right, and finally cheating on me. I made it though that also. I can survive anything.
Anything.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Part-Time Lover
But ...
The rest of the week? Monday through Friday? It's like I don't exist. I rarely hear from him unless I reach out first. Even then, I don't always get a response to my IMs or emails. When I see him at work, there's no sign of the guy I see on the weekends. Of course, not many people at work know we're dating, so it's not like I expect him to make any big gestures, but there's literally nothing except the occasional passing smile. We don't go for coffee or lunch together. He rarely stops by or makes any contact. Few if any emails or IMs. No "I miss yous". If we do see each other during the week, it's because I ask. And when we do, it's great. See above. But it's always me who initiates it.
How do our amazing weekends vanish from his memory on Monday mornings? It's so confusing ... does he never think about me during the week? Is he just too busy to be bothered? Do the incredible weekends make him pull back? I know he doesn't go out most nights. I'm pretty sure there's no one else. I don't need to be with him every single minute, but I do want a boyfriend more than once a week. I want to be part of his life (and for him to be part of mine) all the time, not just on weekends. I've told him before that I would like to hear from him more often. It helped ... a little. He went from zero to one IM during the week.
What do you guys think? What would you do if you were me? Should I just be happy with the stellar weekends?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The Wave
I'm a little sad today. Yesterday, after a lovely weekend with P (I'm a bit thrilled and a lot scared that I am starting to glimpse a future with him), I came to work, looking forward to my regular coffee run with R, who confided that he and his wife spent their weekend talking about divorce. I was shocked. Things had been rocky over the past few years, but I thought they were doing better lately. Or maybe he just stopped telling me about the bad parts. Even though I am much happier without exH, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially R, who's about the most devoted father I've ever seen. It's not clear what's going to happen with him yet, but I hope they can get through this.
Last night, it occurred to me that if this had happened a year or so ago, my sadness for R and his family would have been mixed with a drop of hope that maybe he and I could be together. Horrible, I know, but I've often wondered if it could work. I don't think about that anymore -- I'm pretty sure we're better off as friends. Plus there's P, who is in many ways the exact opposite of R, and I want to see where that goes.
When exH and I split last February, I knew only one person who was divorced, a colleague I'm not particularly close to who's maybe 10 years older. At 34, I was definitely on the leading edge of the divorce wave. More than a year later, R is struggling with it and so is another coworker. I expect the next year will only bring more news of marriages ending. In many cases, it's the right decision, but that doesn't make it less sad.
I wonder if I will ever be able to take that leap again. Despite knowing several happy couples who have survived failed marriages and found love again, right now it's hard to imagine that I will ever overcome my fundamental doubts about love, and I never again want to go through the "this-is-mine-that-is-yours" bickering that even the most amicable divorces entail. Even in my most fantastical imaginings about P, I don't see us married (good thing since he's said he never wants to get married!). What do other divorced/separated parents think about getting married again?
Last night, it occurred to me that if this had happened a year or so ago, my sadness for R and his family would have been mixed with a drop of hope that maybe he and I could be together. Horrible, I know, but I've often wondered if it could work. I don't think about that anymore -- I'm pretty sure we're better off as friends. Plus there's P, who is in many ways the exact opposite of R, and I want to see where that goes.
When exH and I split last February, I knew only one person who was divorced, a colleague I'm not particularly close to who's maybe 10 years older. At 34, I was definitely on the leading edge of the divorce wave. More than a year later, R is struggling with it and so is another coworker. I expect the next year will only bring more news of marriages ending. In many cases, it's the right decision, but that doesn't make it less sad.
I wonder if I will ever be able to take that leap again. Despite knowing several happy couples who have survived failed marriages and found love again, right now it's hard to imagine that I will ever overcome my fundamental doubts about love, and I never again want to go through the "this-is-mine-that-is-yours" bickering that even the most amicable divorces entail. Even in my most fantastical imaginings about P, I don't see us married (good thing since he's said he never wants to get married!). What do other divorced/separated parents think about getting married again?
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Extreme Divorce Makeover
Ok, so "extreme" might be an overstatement, but I was thinking today how much happier I am both inside and outside. I've lost a few pounds, started taking better care of my skin, making an effort with my hair, and best of all, rediscovered my style. It's amazing how many compliments I get every day now! I feel so much more ME now than I have at any other point in my life. I wouldn't dream of going back to my teens or 20s!
I thought I'd share the tools and tricks I used in my EDM in hopes that they might spark some inspiration for you, too!
Weight
I was OK with my weight before, but between having babies and just not paying much attention to what I ate, I had drifted from a size 4 to an 8 over the past few years and I didn't want to continue the trend. So on the advice of my super-healthy coworkers H and D, I started by tracking what I ate using a free service called SparkPeople.com. It took me a little while to get used to entering in everything I ate (they have a free iPhone app that makes it even easier!), but once I did, I was shocked at how many calories and, especially, carbs I was eating. Guess my life-long sweet tooth had finally come back to bite me, so to speak. Just by monitoring my calorie, carb, fat, and protein intake, I lost 5 pounds almost instantly, and another 3 over the following few weeks, going down a full clothing size overall and losing the dreaded muffin top! I'd like to drop another 5, but I am thrilled at where I am right now and it has been a breeze to maintain.
One secret? Protein shakes. They fill me up and give me an additional boost of protein, which is key to keeping my energy level steady. Atkins Advantage shakes taste great and are relatively low in fat and very low in carbs; I also do Jay Robb's chocolate protein shakes, which have practically no fat or carbs and double the protein of the Atkins' brand. They're not the tastiest, but they're tolerable especially given the huge protein punch they pack.
Skin
I know you all wash your faces religiously every night, but I was always too tired and too lazy. I used a Sephora gift certificate to purchase the Clarisonic Mia last fall and I will never go back! My skin literally glows! I also got serious about eye cream and wrinkle prevention. I'm genetically blessed with a youthful look that I want to maintain. I use Philosophy's Help Me every other night and Creme de La Mer eye balm every night. The latter was a pre-divorce splurge that I then neglected to use; once it's gone, I'll be switching to the more budget-friendly Kiehl's Creamy Avocado eye cream (read Apocalypstick Now's review, which totally sold me).
For makeup, I have no secrets other than mascara and lipstick. Never wore either pre-divorce; wear both every.single.day now. For mascara, it doesn't matter what brand -- they all seem about the same to me -- but black is a must. For lipstick, I am really picky about color and texture. Laura Mercier's Baby Lips is my go-to for day, while Mac's Viva Glam in Original Cyndi (thanks again Apocalypstick Now) is my take-it-up-a-notch fave.
Style
I have two words for you: skinny jeans. Yes, I know, I know, I dismissed them too. There was no way I was going to display my muffin-topped pear shape in THOSE! But curiosity eventually won out and I tried on a pair. They looked ... great! I don't know what it is about them, but if you can find the right pair, they are simply genius. I love my Old Navy Diva Skinny Jeans (in photo) almost as much as my beloved Hudson Signature Bootcuts. And at just $29.50, they are a lot cheaper. I also have a pair of uber-chic Paige Premium Denim skinny jeans that I adore (bought on sale at TJ Maxx; I saw them at my store recently so you might still be in luck). The Paige pair is soft and stretchy, not like "jeggings" (what an awful word!), but almost, where the ON pair is more structured. For the money, definitely go with ON. I wear my skinny jeans with longer tops and either heels or boots. Seriously, try them. They've upped my style quotient at least a few notches.
I haven't been able to totally overhaul my wardrobe, since in addition to my EDM, I also had to undergo an Extreme Financial Makeover, but I have updated it quite a bit with fitted, non t-shirt tops; this awesome gray leather jacket bought during the Loft Friends & Family promo (not online anymore, but my store had a full stock today; note that this is WAY cuter in person than in this pic); and heels. Never wore heels much pre-divorce, but I am addicted now. They make me look tall and lean (huge when you're 5'2") and I have managed to find a good selection of comfortable styles. Check out my old standby, TJ Maxx, for Cole Haan heeled sandals. They have this magic Nike Air sole that makes even 3"+ heels amazingly comfy.
Oh, and one more style tip ... get a professional bra fitting. I know, everyone says that, but it's true. After nursing two babies, I had no idea what size I really was. Nordstrom has great (free) bra fitters who will whip you into shape and work with your budget. Replacing nearly all my bras was an investment, to be sure, but it made a huge difference in how things fit.
I thought I'd share the tools and tricks I used in my EDM in hopes that they might spark some inspiration for you, too!
I was OK with my weight before, but between having babies and just not paying much attention to what I ate, I had drifted from a size 4 to an 8 over the past few years and I didn't want to continue the trend. So on the advice of my super-healthy coworkers H and D, I started by tracking what I ate using a free service called SparkPeople.com. It took me a little while to get used to entering in everything I ate (they have a free iPhone app that makes it even easier!), but once I did, I was shocked at how many calories and, especially, carbs I was eating. Guess my life-long sweet tooth had finally come back to bite me, so to speak. Just by monitoring my calorie, carb, fat, and protein intake, I lost 5 pounds almost instantly, and another 3 over the following few weeks, going down a full clothing size overall and losing the dreaded muffin top! I'd like to drop another 5, but I am thrilled at where I am right now and it has been a breeze to maintain.
One secret? Protein shakes. They fill me up and give me an additional boost of protein, which is key to keeping my energy level steady. Atkins Advantage shakes taste great and are relatively low in fat and very low in carbs; I also do Jay Robb's chocolate protein shakes, which have practically no fat or carbs and double the protein of the Atkins' brand. They're not the tastiest, but they're tolerable especially given the huge protein punch they pack.
I know you all wash your faces religiously every night, but I was always too tired and too lazy. I used a Sephora gift certificate to purchase the Clarisonic Mia last fall and I will never go back! My skin literally glows! I also got serious about eye cream and wrinkle prevention. I'm genetically blessed with a youthful look that I want to maintain. I use Philosophy's Help Me every other night and Creme de La Mer eye balm every night. The latter was a pre-divorce splurge that I then neglected to use; once it's gone, I'll be switching to the more budget-friendly Kiehl's Creamy Avocado eye cream (read Apocalypstick Now's review, which totally sold me).
For makeup, I have no secrets other than mascara and lipstick. Never wore either pre-divorce; wear both every.single.day now. For mascara, it doesn't matter what brand -- they all seem about the same to me -- but black is a must. For lipstick, I am really picky about color and texture. Laura Mercier's Baby Lips is my go-to for day, while Mac's Viva Glam in Original Cyndi (thanks again Apocalypstick Now) is my take-it-up-a-notch fave.
I have two words for you: skinny jeans. Yes, I know, I know, I dismissed them too. There was no way I was going to display my muffin-topped pear shape in THOSE! But curiosity eventually won out and I tried on a pair. They looked ... great! I don't know what it is about them, but if you can find the right pair, they are simply genius. I love my Old Navy Diva Skinny Jeans (in photo) almost as much as my beloved Hudson Signature Bootcuts. And at just $29.50, they are a lot cheaper. I also have a pair of uber-chic Paige Premium Denim skinny jeans that I adore (bought on sale at TJ Maxx; I saw them at my store recently so you might still be in luck). The Paige pair is soft and stretchy, not like "jeggings" (what an awful word!), but almost, where the ON pair is more structured. For the money, definitely go with ON. I wear my skinny jeans with longer tops and either heels or boots. Seriously, try them. They've upped my style quotient at least a few notches.
Oh, and one more style tip ... get a professional bra fitting. I know, everyone says that, but it's true. After nursing two babies, I had no idea what size I really was. Nordstrom has great (free) bra fitters who will whip you into shape and work with your budget. Replacing nearly all my bras was an investment, to be sure, but it made a huge difference in how things fit.
Friday, April 9, 2010
There's No Manual for This!
Actual email I just received from ExH:
Btw- I have a date tonight with two chicks. I forgot what day it was. I guess I have to cancel on one but that's not what I'm worried about. Or i could eat twice. A date - so how exactly do these things work? I'm completely embarrased right now but honestly you are the only person I would ever ask this, which I get is weird, and sorta wrong, but I've never, and I mean never gone on a "date."Oh good lord. Not that this is the first time he has come to me for relationship advice. This is FAR less awkward than when I counseled him on how to win the cheatee back. (Which either didn't work or he decided against trying ... I didn't ask.) As R said when I forwarded him the email, "On the plus side, he's making your blog easy for you."
Thursday, April 8, 2010
The List
Do you (or did you) have a list? You know what i'm talking about ... the list of must-haves, nice-to-haves, and absolutely-nots in a potential mate. I started thinking about this after talking to my stylist, G, mid-highlights yesterday. He's an attractive, successful, British (accent = to die for), gay man in his early 40s, who you would think would have no trouble finding a great guy. But he has a list, and a pretty long one at that. He recently signed up for a dating site, but said he wasn't getting many responses. I asked what he put in his criteria. "Well, I want someone who is 6'4" (G is 6'2"), doesn't smoke, owns his own home, makes a good living, isn't into the club scene ...." Um, G? That's a pretty, er, tall order, I said. Why not lower the bar just a bit? I suggested he start with one or two "must-haves" (for him, that turns out to be a tall non-smoker) and give the other guys a chance.
I have to confess, during my brief fling with Match.com, I got sucked into a little of the list mentality just like G did and went a little nuts with the "must-haves." When I think about it, things like career, formal education level, and height don't matter to me (my best friend R laughed at my 5'9" height preference, saying "But you're only 5'2"!), but on those sites, it's all you have to go on.
I really don't have a list, actual or mental, in part because I never really knew what I wanted. I've dated all sorts of men, and while a few certainly fit into one category or another (there are several "nice Jewish boys" in my past, and a couple of blue-eyed blonds), they're all pretty different from each other with one exception -- they've all been whip smart. So I guess that would be item #1 on my list. Post exH, I'd also have to add something along the lines of "can take care of himself." ExH has gotten more independent in the past year, but for a 37-year-old with his own business, he's still pretty clueless about finances. (I shudder to think what will happen if he tries to buy a house or car on his own at some point.) That doesn't mean a potential mate has to have money, but he at least needs to know how to manage what he has. And he has to love Lulu and Boo. That's not a big deal for dating, but it's a must if things get serious.
So what's on YOUR list?
I have to confess, during my brief fling with Match.com, I got sucked into a little of the list mentality just like G did and went a little nuts with the "must-haves." When I think about it, things like career, formal education level, and height don't matter to me (my best friend R laughed at my 5'9" height preference, saying "But you're only 5'2"!), but on those sites, it's all you have to go on.
I really don't have a list, actual or mental, in part because I never really knew what I wanted. I've dated all sorts of men, and while a few certainly fit into one category or another (there are several "nice Jewish boys" in my past, and a couple of blue-eyed blonds), they're all pretty different from each other with one exception -- they've all been whip smart. So I guess that would be item #1 on my list. Post exH, I'd also have to add something along the lines of "can take care of himself." ExH has gotten more independent in the past year, but for a 37-year-old with his own business, he's still pretty clueless about finances. (I shudder to think what will happen if he tries to buy a house or car on his own at some point.) That doesn't mean a potential mate has to have money, but he at least needs to know how to manage what he has. And he has to love Lulu and Boo. That's not a big deal for dating, but it's a must if things get serious.
So what's on YOUR list?
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Cute Giveaway at She Hath Done What She Could
Peggy's giving away a cute navy clutch. Check it out here.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
How Do You Know?
This post on What's love got to do with it? got me thinking ... how DO you know when someone loves you? How do you know when you're in love? I am pretty quick to say the L word in new relationships and as a result, I am almost always the first one to say it (though thankfully, I've never said it to someone who didn't eventually say it back ... more on that in a second!). But what triggers that feeling? Sometimes it has happened slowly, over a few months; other times it has been almost instantaneous.
I dated two guys seriously in college and one followed the first pattern -- we dated on and off for a few months, but we were both dating other people as well and while there was a lot of passion, neither one of us saw it as love. Eventually, we ended up dating more seriously and said I love you to each other (looking back, I don't know that I really meant it even though we were together for a few years). The other guy fell into the instant soulmate category. "I love you"s were exchanged within weeks, if not days, of our first kiss, and I continued to love him just as intensely for the year we were together and for many years (albeit eventually platonically) after that. I've only found one other "soulmate" love like that, and sadly, it wasn't with exH. That person is married, as was I at the time, so we channeled that love into a strong friendship that has lasted for four years now. I no longer fantasize about what it would be like to run away with him; I just love him and support him and he does the same for me though we definitely have our ups and downs. (Unfortunately he hates P, so that has made the past few months difficult, but I am confident our friendship will survive.)
I told P I loved him a few weeks ago, knowing he couldn't say it back. I warned him I probably wouldn't say it again, because it's not fair when I know he isn't there yet, but that I just wanted him to know. He seemed thrilled and surprised and asked why. I'm not sure yet what P's deal is, but I suspect he might think that there's not much about him to love. I disagree -- he's funny and intelligent and has a completely different take on the world than I do. I like listening to his theories on the universe, the afterlife, the decline of music since 1980, and whatever else is on his mind. He challenges me to think differently. And I love that he's a beer-drinking, car-loving, 100% guys' guy who just happens to have a master's degree in poetry from a famous writing program. I love his blue eyes and the crazy blood-pressure-lowering effect he has on me. I love that we don't always have to talk. Maybe most of all, I love that he doesn't NEED me. He's an independent, self-sufficient grownup who, unlike exH, can manage his finances and everything else on his own. He could use some help in the wardrobe department, but hey, his total lack of style is sorta endearing too. No one's perfect.
Does P love me? I don't think he does yet, or if he does, he doesn't know it. He told me he's only been in love once, back in college, and he's 45! So it may never happen for him. At the very least, it's going to take some time for him to get there. But that doesn't stop me from looking for signs. I know that agreeing to be exclusive was a huge thing for him, as was meeting Lulu and Boo, so for now, I'm content with where we are, and we'll see what happens next. It's hard to remember that taking it slow is a good thing for me right now. I'm not even divorced yet!
I dated two guys seriously in college and one followed the first pattern -- we dated on and off for a few months, but we were both dating other people as well and while there was a lot of passion, neither one of us saw it as love. Eventually, we ended up dating more seriously and said I love you to each other (looking back, I don't know that I really meant it even though we were together for a few years). The other guy fell into the instant soulmate category. "I love you"s were exchanged within weeks, if not days, of our first kiss, and I continued to love him just as intensely for the year we were together and for many years (albeit eventually platonically) after that. I've only found one other "soulmate" love like that, and sadly, it wasn't with exH. That person is married, as was I at the time, so we channeled that love into a strong friendship that has lasted for four years now. I no longer fantasize about what it would be like to run away with him; I just love him and support him and he does the same for me though we definitely have our ups and downs. (Unfortunately he hates P, so that has made the past few months difficult, but I am confident our friendship will survive.)
I told P I loved him a few weeks ago, knowing he couldn't say it back. I warned him I probably wouldn't say it again, because it's not fair when I know he isn't there yet, but that I just wanted him to know. He seemed thrilled and surprised and asked why. I'm not sure yet what P's deal is, but I suspect he might think that there's not much about him to love. I disagree -- he's funny and intelligent and has a completely different take on the world than I do. I like listening to his theories on the universe, the afterlife, the decline of music since 1980, and whatever else is on his mind. He challenges me to think differently. And I love that he's a beer-drinking, car-loving, 100% guys' guy who just happens to have a master's degree in poetry from a famous writing program. I love his blue eyes and the crazy blood-pressure-lowering effect he has on me. I love that we don't always have to talk. Maybe most of all, I love that he doesn't NEED me. He's an independent, self-sufficient grownup who, unlike exH, can manage his finances and everything else on his own. He could use some help in the wardrobe department, but hey, his total lack of style is sorta endearing too. No one's perfect.
Does P love me? I don't think he does yet, or if he does, he doesn't know it. He told me he's only been in love once, back in college, and he's 45! So it may never happen for him. At the very least, it's going to take some time for him to get there. But that doesn't stop me from looking for signs. I know that agreeing to be exclusive was a huge thing for him, as was meeting Lulu and Boo, so for now, I'm content with where we are, and we'll see what happens next. It's hard to remember that taking it slow is a good thing for me right now. I'm not even divorced yet!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Things I Love Right Now
While I hope that this blog will resonate with other separated and divorced parents, and I plan to add more posts with both resources and my personal experience over time, I want to have fun here, too. I love clothing and makeup (though I don't wear much of the latter and I can't afford much of the former!) and other frivolous things. So in that spirit, here are a few things I am in love with right now.
1. LOFT Petal Print Shell. It's pretty and springy, but not pastel. I wore this to hang out with P on Saturday night paired with dark skinny jeans and high-heeled black sandals. So what if we only got takeout and watched the Final Four? I still looked cute!
2. Anthropologie Cerulean Wave bag. I am obsessed with finding a small, blue purse for summer, but I can't seem to find what I want in my budget. This would be perfect! Sale, please!
3. The New Ray-Ban Wayfarers in black. They're just so cool and classic.4. Coral sandals. No pic because I haven't found them yet! I want a vibrant coral, nothing even bordering on pink with a 2"ish heel comfy enough to walk in. Let me know if you see any!
5. Hudson Jeans. I am addicted to these! There is something about the cut and style that makes me look taller, leaner, and the triangle flap pockets do wonders for my butt. I have them in dark washes, light washes, and everything in between. But, Robyn, aren't Hudson jeans like $200? And aren't you broke? Well, um, yes, but here's a tip. Go to Nordstrom and try on a bunch of different styles and sizes (I love the Signature Bootcut the best!). Once you know what fits best, hit eBay and scoop up the very same jeans, brand new!, for half off the retail price. I also sometimes find this brand at TJ Maxx, along with Joe's Jeans, another fave.
Letting Go
ExH and I are currently finalizing our divorce agreement and it has been tough. Stressful, tense, scary, and all-around unpleasant. Money discussions with exH are especially tense, mainly because neither of us really has any. But as awful as it has been to work out this agreement, I fully realize that it could be so much worse. At least we CAN talk about it, even if we have to take frequent "I hate you right this moment and cannot be rational" breaks to get it done. So far there have been no lawyers involved, except to guide us through the actual filing process. We haven't dragged our kids into it. As far as these things go, I have to believe we are about as amicable as possible.
That's also the problem. I am moving on with my life. I'm happy with P, happy living on my own, happy not being married to exH anymore. ExH on the other hand, is not moving on. I'm not sure that he wants to be back together, but he definitely wants and expects a closer relationship than I do. I'm content to be friendly and pleasant, but I don't really want to be friends. He still considers me his best friend.
I've been struggling with him to set the right boundaries for our new relationship. Or, more to the point, I set them and he constantly oversteps them. Which forces me to push back, and I know it often comes across as bitchy. This is definitely something we're going to have to work out if he moves in.
I've been puzzled as to why we're in such different places ... we were both miserable in the marriage, after all, and we both readily agreed that separating was the right decision. So why can't he let go? Then, last night I had dinner with my only divorced friend, K. She explained it perfectly when she said that abuse and neglect and infidelity kill love. I can't say I was an angel, especially once exH's drinking/verbal abuse cycle really heated up, but I sure as hell never beat him down the way he did me. I made a lot of mistakes, but mine were all minor and they were not "love killers". He even admitted that a few months ago when he pointed out that I stood by him for years, tried to get him help and make things better, while he repaid me in anger and disdain.
It's sad to see him struggle with letting go, but I hope he can, because that is the only way we will ever be the kind of friends he'd like us to be.
That's also the problem. I am moving on with my life. I'm happy with P, happy living on my own, happy not being married to exH anymore. ExH on the other hand, is not moving on. I'm not sure that he wants to be back together, but he definitely wants and expects a closer relationship than I do. I'm content to be friendly and pleasant, but I don't really want to be friends. He still considers me his best friend.
I've been struggling with him to set the right boundaries for our new relationship. Or, more to the point, I set them and he constantly oversteps them. Which forces me to push back, and I know it often comes across as bitchy. This is definitely something we're going to have to work out if he moves in.
I've been puzzled as to why we're in such different places ... we were both miserable in the marriage, after all, and we both readily agreed that separating was the right decision. So why can't he let go? Then, last night I had dinner with my only divorced friend, K. She explained it perfectly when she said that abuse and neglect and infidelity kill love. I can't say I was an angel, especially once exH's drinking/verbal abuse cycle really heated up, but I sure as hell never beat him down the way he did me. I made a lot of mistakes, but mine were all minor and they were not "love killers". He even admitted that a few months ago when he pointed out that I stood by him for years, tried to get him help and make things better, while he repaid me in anger and disdain.
It's sad to see him struggle with letting go, but I hope he can, because that is the only way we will ever be the kind of friends he'd like us to be.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Baggage, Baby
Last night, I went to see P, and he casually mentioned something critical that someone in his group said about a presentation I had given at work the day before. The comment infuriated me because I have a long history of not getting along with several people in that group but I thought I had finally gotten past it. I was frustrated and got upset with P because I felt like he should have defended me to his colleague. He of all people should have known I wouldn't have intentionally insulted his group! I started to cry, and he left the room, which made me feel even worse.
The drama queen in me was dying to just walk out and go home. And a few years ago? That's exactly what I would have done, followed by a tearful plea for forgiveness a few days later. But I'd already had a few drama-tinged moments with P and as a result, we'd had a shaky few weeks. My uncertainty over how he felt about me and what exactly we were doing made me feel insecure and uneasy, and I got so anxious about it all that I broke up with him a couple weeks ago. It only lasted a week, and things already felt back to normal, but the issues that caused my anxiety hadn't really been resolved, either. And last night they came flooding back ... why didn't he care that I was upset? did he have feelings for me at all? So I got up to leave, but it hit me that if I did, not only would I be doing possibly permanent damage, but I still wouldn't know how he felt and where I stood. And all over a comment that he didn't even make, just reported.
So I splashed some water on my face, took some deep breaths, and went out to talk to him. It was probably the best, most honest conversation we've had since we first started dating. I'm so glad I didn't leave.
Dating after divorce is hard. You can't help but bring along baggage from the marriage, along with any pre-marriage issues. I love P for who he is, but I am also incredibly grateful for everything that I am learning about myself being with him. I see so clearly now so many of the mistakes I made in past relationships and I see myself starting to make them again. Only now, I'm (sometimes) able to stop and change course. It's incredibly empowering to see that I just might be able to get out of the damaging patterns I was in before, dump some of that worn out baggage, and do it better this time.
Today, P came out to lunch with me, Lulu, and Boo. It was the first time he'd met them, and it was something I'd spent a lot of time thinking about. It took three months for me to be ready. I wanted to be sure that he was going to be around for awhile before I introduced them, and if I'm honest, I also worried that he wouldn't like the mom side of me as much as the rest. So today could have been a huge, pressure-filled event. Except, it wasn't at all. I invited him without thinking too much about it and after a brief hesitation on his part, it all worked out just fine.
The drama queen in me was dying to just walk out and go home. And a few years ago? That's exactly what I would have done, followed by a tearful plea for forgiveness a few days later. But I'd already had a few drama-tinged moments with P and as a result, we'd had a shaky few weeks. My uncertainty over how he felt about me and what exactly we were doing made me feel insecure and uneasy, and I got so anxious about it all that I broke up with him a couple weeks ago. It only lasted a week, and things already felt back to normal, but the issues that caused my anxiety hadn't really been resolved, either. And last night they came flooding back ... why didn't he care that I was upset? did he have feelings for me at all? So I got up to leave, but it hit me that if I did, not only would I be doing possibly permanent damage, but I still wouldn't know how he felt and where I stood. And all over a comment that he didn't even make, just reported.
So I splashed some water on my face, took some deep breaths, and went out to talk to him. It was probably the best, most honest conversation we've had since we first started dating. I'm so glad I didn't leave.
Dating after divorce is hard. You can't help but bring along baggage from the marriage, along with any pre-marriage issues. I love P for who he is, but I am also incredibly grateful for everything that I am learning about myself being with him. I see so clearly now so many of the mistakes I made in past relationships and I see myself starting to make them again. Only now, I'm (sometimes) able to stop and change course. It's incredibly empowering to see that I just might be able to get out of the damaging patterns I was in before, dump some of that worn out baggage, and do it better this time.
Today, P came out to lunch with me, Lulu, and Boo. It was the first time he'd met them, and it was something I'd spent a lot of time thinking about. It took three months for me to be ready. I wanted to be sure that he was going to be around for awhile before I introduced them, and if I'm honest, I also worried that he wouldn't like the mom side of me as much as the rest. So today could have been a huge, pressure-filled event. Except, it wasn't at all. I invited him without thinking too much about it and after a brief hesitation on his part, it all worked out just fine.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
