Paint It Black?

If you are reading this, you are in a very elite group. Well, a very small group at least! I have a few dozen regular readers -- some as far away as Russia and the United Arab Emirates -- most of whom are online friends. But there are a few of you I don't know. Maybe you found me through another blog or through Blogger, but most of you find me through a Google search ... for paint. Yes, paint. Apparently, the few posts about paint colors sprinkled among my self-indulgent ramblings about P are attracting a small audience. Who knew?

So just for fun, here's a post for my painting peeps. Just ignore all relationship angst and enjoy some pics of various paint colors I've used and loved over the years.

Benjamin Moore St. Martin Sand ... warm taupe that looks gorgeous with black and white accents.

Benjamin Moore Hasbrouck Brown (behind the shelves) ... perfect chocolate brown shade, not too warm, not too dark.

Benjamin Moore Bird's Egg ... so pretty and calming without being washed out. I'm using the color above it on the paint strip (Crystal Blue) for the ceilings in my new house.

Benjamin Moore August Morning ... a beautiful apricot color, but only use it in a sunny room! (Ask me how I know this.) This is probably my favorite room ever. It was the living room in my 90-year-old house in Birmingham. Love the color, the old floors, the woodwork, the stone fireplace.

Restoration Hardware Sea Green ... not green at all, but a lovely aqua. This is my bedroom in my current house.

Benjamin Moore Pale Sea Mist (above and at left) ... used in three houses now, and I've never gotten tired of it. A lovely light green.

Restoration Hardware Shore ... nice blue, not too "baby boy". It's not really my favorite, but exH picked it when this room was his office. It is lovely with the slate blue couch he has in there now.

Restoration Hardware Rose ... beautiful medium pink color; a perfect match to the Shabby Chic line at Target. This used to be Lulu's room before she decided to move in with Boo. I still love how it came out. You can't tell, but the slanted ceilings are painted RH Peony, a much paler version of Rose.

Benjamin Moore Jamaican Aqua ... love this color! It might be a little much for a large room, but I just adore it for a smaller bedroom or bathroom. So beachy and pretty.

Benjamin Moore White Sand... not my favorite choice, but we repainted with selling the house in mind, and it works fine for that. It's a warm off-white.

The Art of Doing Nothing

I'm working very hard right now at doing nothing. It's not easy. In fact, it's downright painful. Have you ever tried to do nothing? To just sit still and ... be still? To not say or do anything? It's one of the hardest things I've done. I'm a type-A, first-born, overachiever. I'm always doing *something.*

Why all this effort for nothing? I know that right now, I need to let P go a little. Not completely, not forever, but I need a little distance ... I need to get some perspective if we're going to continue and even more so if we're not. And I think P could benefit from some space too. So I'm stepping back, leaving P alone, not making plans with him ... basically doing nothing. I have probably walked past his desk a dozen times today and not stopped. I've pulled up his name on IM and not typed. I've started to ask about going out tonight and caught myself just in time. I'm exhausted from all of this non-action.

Along with the art of doing nothing, I'm also trying to be ok with being alone, something I used to love and crave. Right now, I find being alone very uncomfortable. I think it gives me too much time to think, too much time to give in and do something to alleviate the discomfort of being alone. It's puzzling because I was alone 90% of my non-kid time from the day exH moved out (and honestly, a lot before that too) to the day P and I got together. I didn't mind at all. Before I met exH, I was alone a lot, mostly by choice, and that was fine too. So why is it so hard now?

And Here We Go Again

Here's a piece of advice for you: never, never, never say you're happy. OK, well that may be a bit extreme, but at least if you're me, it bears remembering. Because the moment I look around and say, hey, things are good right now, I actually feel happy ...? They fall apart.

So last weekend was awesome. And Wednesday night, also awesome. P took me out to my favorite restaurant to celebrate my divorce and we had so much fun during and after dinner. Thursday and Friday I was literally beaming I was so happy. I couldn't wait to see P again on Saturday night, sleep over, and spend a lazy Sunday morning with him. Then came Saturday morning and a text from P, asking if we could skip our date that night. He had overindulged the night before, hadn't gotten any sleep, and was exhausted. I wasn't mad, but I was incredibly bummed. Not only was I not going to get to see him, but I was going to have to hang out at home instead of getting a much-needed break from exH and the kids. And all because he acted like an idiot Friday night. I tried to play it cool, but P knew I was upset. He apologized and we agreed to hang out on Sunday. I was still pretty unhappy that night, but I resolved to get past it and have a good day.

But the minute I got to his place on Sunday, something was off. I felt a little uncomfortable and I was quieter than usual. P asked if I was still mad, I said no, but he kept insisting I was. I offered to leave because it was just so awkward. We ended up arguing about the day before -- he thought I overreacted, I explained why I had been upset (sad not to see him, bummed about having to stay home and I was clear with him that the latter was not his problem, just a result of my awkward living situation). We eventually got through it and hung out the rest of the day, but it just didn't feel right. I don't want to try to get into P's head or anything, but I feel like we're both struggling. He seems to be struggling with what it means to be in a relationship again -- how does he maintain his freedom and independence while also being with me. I am struggling not to rush things, to take my time (lots of time!) to find out if this is a person I want to share a life with. The good news is that we are both trying to work it out instead of giving up.

So. We are back to the NWO. I am going to (continue to) give P space and focus (still, more) on building up my life outside of him. Saturday wouldn't have been so tough if I had other friends to go out with. Whether or not things ultimately work out with P, I can't be so reliant on him for my social life. Still, making friends at 35 is tough, and it's even tougher when you're divorced -- any suggestions?

5 Things I Wish I'd Known Before

I wanted to share a post I just read on another site titled "20 Things I Wish I'd Known When I Was 20." The author strikes me as a wise woman. Hell, I wish I knew all of these things at 35! I wasted so much time and energy on people and pursuits that just didn't get me anywhere or make my life any better. Of course, I learned a lot, too, but I wish I hadn't made myself so miserable in the process.
Here are a few things I wish I'd learned earlier (and still sometimes have to remind myself) ...

1. Talk less, listen more. You learn a lot more about people when, surprise!, you shut up and listen to what they are saying. One piece of relationship advice I've taken to heart is "when someone tells you who they are, believe them." I could have saved myself a lot of pain by figuring that one out sooner, but it's hard to really listen when you're too busy weaving a fantasy version of your future together. Plus, I talk a lot when I'm nervous or upset and really, it never helps.
2a. You can't make someone love you. Obvious, right? One would think. But I didn't get that until recently and I spent a lot of time crying over boys I loved (or thought I loved) who either didn't love me back or stopped loving me. Sometimes it was caused by something I had done, sometimes they just loved someone else more, but sometimes it wasn't any of that, they just ... didn't.

2b. You don't want someone who doesn't want you. Period. Don't waste your time because ... you can't make someone love you.

3. The hardest choice is not necessarily the right one. I cannot tell you how many times I have chosen the more difficult of two paths for no other reason than that somehow I believed that the hard choice was the better one. I picked an expensive college (where I ended up with lots of debt) over perfectly lovely schools that wanted to give me a scholarship, chose (more than once) the hard-to-get guy over the very nice one who treated me well ... sometimes the path of least resistance is worth considering too.

4. Don't buy things you can't afford. I still struggle with this, even after some seriously scary bouts with debt. It's MUCH better now, but from clothes to cars to houses, I still struggle with living within my means.

5. No one and no thing can make you happy. Sure, there are people who make your life better or worse, and things can make your life easier or harder, but nothing and no one can make you happy. It's such a tough lesson to learn, one that I just may be finally starting to get. For sure, it makes it easier to follow #s 2 and 4 when you know deep down that you are the only one who is responsible for your happiness.

I'm sure there are many, many more, but those are just a few I want to remember.

NWO Update ...

So a little more than a week into this, I am pleased with how I've been managing my feelings. The jealousy and unease over WW is still there, but it's not as painful as it was, even as she wears short skirts and tight tops to work every day. I just try to remember point #2a above ... despite their closeness, P is choosing to be with me right now, but I can't do anything to make him keep choosing me. Someday he might choose her instead, or someone else in the office, or someone he meets out at a bar. For now, he's chosen me and I can't worry about what might happen in the future. I just have to hope that if at some point he wants to be with her or someone else, he'll man up and tell me as he's promised he will. And if that happens, please remind me of point #2b.

It does help to remember that P and I are not forever. We are about having fun right now, for as long as it lasts, and that's perfectly fine. It's hard to keep my emotions in check, especially when we have a nice evening or weekend together, but it's important to remind myself that while P is a great guy, we've likely maxed out on what he can give. For now, it's enough.

Tonight he's promised me dinner to celebrate my divorce. I can't wait!

D-Day

One year, four months, and fourteen days after exH stormed out on a random, ordinary Saturday night after a random, ordinary argument, which was so odd and out of the blue that I panicked and checked his email where I found dozens of notes revealing an affair with a colleague, we're finally divorced. I expected to feel sad or relieved or exhausted or nostalgic or ... well, SOMETHING. But I really felt nothing. I gave about 5 minute of testimony in front of the judge and it was done and I went on with my day. I wonder if it will hit me later, or ever.

The strangest thing about all of this is how different my life is now than it was on February 7, 2009. You know from reading here that it's tough sometimes. I get lonely and sad and borderline crazy at times (ok, many times). But I felt all those things while I was with exH, too. Only I was scared, too, and even more lonely because there is nothing lonelier than feeling alone with someone else in the same room. The difference is that now, sometimes, I also have FUN. I have a standing Saturday night date. I enjoy things like drinking and sex that had become minefields with exH. I lost 10 pounds, started exercising, and look great in a bikini. I am not always or even often happy, but I am far happier with who I am and how I am living my life than I have been in probably a decade.

So here's to day 1 of my life as a single girl!

And Now a Word From Dr. Phil ...

Back before Dr. Phil turned into Jerry Springer, way back when he was just a guest on Oprah, he actually had some great relationship advice. My favorite: Would you rather be right or be happy? Not, you know, that I live it, but it's totally true. Another little gem: Act as if. And finally, this pearl (and I paraphrase): The only way to change someone else is to change yourself.

That last one may not be original, but it's incredibly powerful. We all know you can't change another person, right? But what you can change is the dynamic between you. If you change your behavior, 9 times out of 10, the other person will change how they react to you. I wish I had fully understood that principle, oh, say 20 years ago. Have you ever seen it in action? It's truly amazing. It works with lovers, friends, kids, coworkers ... people are powerless NOT to change their behavior toward you once you've changed how you treat them.

Which brings us to my weekend with P. After getting past the initial post-fight-are-we-OK? jitters Thursday, I was looking forward to my Saturday night date with P. He'd spend the day at work and was happy to kick back and relax too. I was determined that no matter what happened, we would not fight or argue ... I would not so much as look at him funny. I needed to see that we could just have fun. And we had a blast. We walked over to our new favorite hangout, a burger joint around the corner from his place, had dinner and a few beers and then went home and watched Couples Retreat. (Pretty funny movie if you're a fan of Vince Vaughn and company.) This morning we woke up, did some work for our big launch this week, ran some errands, and got some lunch. Nothing too exciting, but it was easy and laid-back and ... FUN. It reminded me of all the ways P and I are good together.

Walking back from lunch, I was thinking how easy the weekend had been. I hadn't had to suppress any worries or frustrations. I wasn't once tempted to bring up a problem. P must have gotten suspicious because when I went to kiss him goodbye he grabbed me and said, smiling, "we didn't fight at all this weekend ... were you on your best behavior?" I smiled back and said I'd had a great time and that I simply didn't want to fight with him anymore. He looked puzzled, as if he wasn't quite sure what that meant. "Wait," he said as I headed out, "when are we hanging out again? Tuesday? Wednesday?"

I about fainted right there. Now, many of you will not appreciate the magnitude of P -- commitment-phobe in all matters, including committing to plans more than a day ahead, and who has maybe twice in nearly six months initiated plans with me  -- actually asking me to go out, and on a specific night no less! I'm sure I looked as shocked as I felt, and I can't even remember what he said next. But I promised to consult exH's schedule and get back to him with a day that we can go out to celebrate my divorce being finally final (tomorrow is the big day!).

And all of this came after P suggested I leave a bathing suit at his place so we could hang out at his pool over the summer. I teased him, saying I thought that leaving actual clothing at his place might cause him panic attacks, but that I would settle for keeping a toothbrush there. He laughed and said I could leave anything I wanted.

None of this may seem like a big deal, and I promise you I am trying hard not to read too much into it, merely remarking on what has to be the biggest change in behavior that I have noticed in P since he first asked me out. Back then, I was startled to find that he wasn't at all like the work nemesis I had seen him as for years. And now? I don't know what to think. My beloved (but frustratingly passive and confrontation-averse) P, voluntarily bringing up last weekend's drama? Inviting me to leave clothes and makeup at his place? Chasing after me to make plans days in advance? Who IS this guy? Hard to imagine that it's all because I decided to chill out for a few days. But ... maybe?

Thanks, Dr. Phil!

Oh the Drama!

I just spent an hour or so reading through Natalie's fabulous 30 Days of Drama Reduction Series on her also fabulous blog, Baggage Reclaim. While not all of the 30 posts spoke to me, many felt like reading my own diary. Deep down, I know I have always been a bit (a lot!) of a drama queen in relationships, and seeing my own history and patterns laid bare, well, it was both horrifying and comforting. Because clearly I am not the only one.

I was also comforted to see that much of the advice offered was right in line with the New World Order -- take a step back, identify drama triggers, and develop coping mechanisms for averting them. So perhaps I am on the right path.

Today went well. I was feeling less anxious about P after our nice evening last night. We have plans to go out tomorrow, and I am hoping for a low-key, relaxing night. He's out at a work-sponsored pub crawl tonight, something that might have worried me at one point (like, you know, last week), but I find myself merely hoping he has fun and looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. Drama-free.

NWO, Day 4

Another busy day, but that didn't calm my thoughts much. There is so much swirling around in my head -- craziness at work, the divorce hearing on Monday, exH's lack of stability, the situation with P -- that my anxiety levels are sky-high. P is stressed out too, so I was hesitant about having dinner with him this evening. I haven't felt so nervous around him since our first few dates! But after a few moments of uncertainty, we fell into our routine -- I cooked, he cleaned, we bitched about work, and caught up on all our non-work stuff. And by the time I left, things felt, if not amazing, then at least OK. So we'll see. I don't want to jump back in until I'm sure that's the right thing for both of us.

No swimming tonight -- I was so anxious throughout the day that I actually had a stomachache -- and I did break the no-weeknights rule with P, but I'm glad I did.

Thoughts on Perspective (and NWO update, day 3)

 

At work, I occasionally teach a class on public speaking. Not because I am great at it, but because it used to terrify me. With some encouragement and a class that offered some tips, I got over my fear and now regularly present in front of 200+ people. I don't love it, but I no longer dread it, either, and I enjoy helping other coworkers get past their public speaking anxiety. During class this week, one person said that the best advice I gave was to have perspective -- get out of your head and remember that no one cares as much about you as you care about you.

 

I wish I lived that advice as well as I taught it. It would have saved me a lot of unhappiness in my life. I've always cared far too much what other people think about me, and in the worst examples, actually changed the way I thought about myself based on what others thought (or worse still, what I thought they thought). As a result, I've spent a lot of my life feeling insecure, uneasy, and unworthy (of what I couldn't even say).

 

If that's not the definition of crazy, I don't know what is. At least I am finally able to see it for what it is and take (baby) steps to change it.

 

Having perspective on life overall is also crucial. I know I get sucked into the various dramas and challenges of my daily life to the point where I forget just how relatively benign they really are. Yes, divorce is tough, but I am lucky to have a very amicable relationship with exH and the process, while not painless for sure, has been manageable. I attended a court-required parenting course last weekend and my situation was easily the least unpleasant. There were women whose husbands were in jail or were abusive or on drugs, women who were flat-out terrified to let their children near their dads, and women who hadn't heard from the dads in years. There were two men whose wives/girlfriends had just vanished -- in one case with the child, in one case without. These people were dealing with issues I couldn't imagine in my worst nightmares.

 

Right after that class, I came home to read a post from an online friend about the sudden and horrible death of a friend of hers, a mother to young girls, at a baseball game of all places. I was again reminded of how fortunate I am, and how little time might be left for any of us. Do I really want to spend it feeling sorry for myself and worrying about what other people think?

 

Then today, I wrote an anniversary card to a couple whose wedding I attended 10 years ago tomorrow. We have slowly grown apart over the years, but I reconnected with them last fall when the wife was diagnosed with leukemia. They have two children, a 3-year-old boy and a 1-year-old girl, and while I hurt for them and everything they are going through, it has also been a joy to read their weekly email updates and to see the humor and grace with which they are handling this very difficult time. (Happily, Liz just completed a bone marrow transplant and her prognosis is very good.)

 

So, yes, perspective. This is perhaps the most challenging time in my life thus far, but I have family and friends to support me, a good job to provide for our financial needs, and we are all healthy. That's not something you can take for granted.

 

NWO, Day 3

Sigh. Today wasn't as easy.  I ran into P with WW a couple of times and was struck with the same old pang of jealousy. I wonder if despite the many ways P and I fit well together, this is just the one spot where we will always rub against each other. I have a pair of shoes like that -- they fit great except for this one small point on my right big toe that always blisters. I knew today -- a relatively meeting-free expanse of free time -- might post a challenge, so I had a plan. I ran errands for a couple hours during the day, and that helped clear my head. Later in the day P and I had a meeting together and got to catch up for a few minutes before everyone else arrived, so that was nice. Before all the drama I had offered to make him dinner this week, so we talked about doing that tomorrow or over the weekend. I was surprised to realize that while of course I want to see him, I'm also nervous. 

I came home in a pretty good mood, only to have exH ask to borrow money and get angry when I said I didn't have it to lend. He yelled about all the money (child support) he "gives" me. It's not like that's just extra for me to stash in my savings account! It's frustrating -- I see (numerous) receipts for $100-$200 dinners with his new girlfriend and he's always taking the kids out to nice restaurants. I pointed out to him that if he didn't spend so much money, he wouldn't need to borrow from me. That of course made him angrier, but you know what? I don't go out for nice dinners. I can't afford to take the kids out very often, it might be once a month.

Sigh. Perspective.

NWO, Day 2

Just a quick update tonight ... another jam-packed day meant little time to be tempted to talk to P. I saw him around the office and in a meeting, so that was nice, but I was easily able to keep my "give him space" pledge. I swam for an hour after work, so the "time for me" part of the plan is also right on target!

New World Order, Day 1: Success!

Today was an easy day, a gimme, really. I got to work about an hour later than usual, went for coffee with R, which ate up another hour as I poured out the whole shameful weekend saga, then was in meetings for two more hours before leaving early for the day to take Lulu and Boo to their ice skating lesson. So not too much time in there to fret about P. He did stop by to say hello as I was heading off to a meeting -- the perfect brief, but happy encounter to set the tone for the week.

Mondays are my night with Lulu and Boo, so no swimming, but I'm planning to go tomorrow and Thursday, plus once over the weekend. So all in all, it was an excellent first day in the NWO. Tomorrow brings another flurry of meetings so I am hopeful of another day of smooth sailing.


And the winners are ... 

I know you are all dying to know which paint colors I chose for the new house. OK, so you've forgotten all about that in all the P-related insanity, but not me! When it comes to obsessing, I am the queen of all multi-taskers!

Living room: Benjamin Moore Lido Green (a soft robin's egg blue) walls with a Crystal Blue ceiling. Here are some photos to give you an idea. (Lido Green is the first one.)

My bedroom: White walls (gasp! for the first time ever!) with C2 Bella Donna (smoky lavender gray) on the ceiling.

Lulu and Boo's rooms haven't changed -- Benjamin Moore Cat's Meow for her and Golden Honey for Boo. Both will have Crystal Blue on the ceiling. Restoration Hardware Cappuccino for my bathroom, and Benjamin Moore Super White semigloss on the trim throughout the house.

All that's left undecided is their bathroom and the kitchen. For their bath, I am thinking of mixing together the 7 or 8 pint samples of various aquas I tested. I can't bear to toss all that lovely paint and I bet the mixed-up color would be gorgeous! The kitchen is going to wait until my sister comes out to visit. She offered to help me paint the cabinets, so the walls will wait until I can coordinate the cabinet and wall colors with the existing granite countertops (which are a nice sandy color, which will fit my beach theme nicely).

I can't wait to see everything put together!

Startling Realization and a P.S.

Here's the problem with blogging. It's a permanent record. And after P said yesterday that he feels like we're always in crisis mode lately, I decided to man up and check the transcript, as it were. I read every blog post about P and he's right. I have blogged nearly every week about some problem I have with him ... he's not into me ... he doesn't IM me during the week ... we're lacking a deeper connection ... angst about WW ... more angst about WW ... etc.

Wow. That's pretty brutal when you look at it from P's perspective -- regardless of whether my concerns were justified (I think a few were legit, most were overblown) -- that's a lot of "we need to talk" moments for one fledgling relationship.

So here's the postscript ... I'm going to try to post once a day for the next few weeks, even if it's just a line or two, to track the progress of my New World Order pledge. Am I managing my relationship anxieties? Following through on giving P (and me) some breathing room? Getting enough sleep? Swimming 3 times a week? Making time for other friends?

And just to be clear ... I am doing these things for ME, not to make P happy. I do suspect that if I can keep myself balanced, P and I just might be OK (and I'm certain that if I can't, we won't), but no matter what happens with him, I need to make sure I am keeping myself sane.

The New World Order Starts Now

P and I had a tough night last night. We talked (a lot), argued (a bit), decided to break it off (twice), I left and came back (once), cried (way too much), and somewhere in there had a wonderful evening listening to music and laughing  together despite everything. P even played his old band's CD for me for the first time despite many previous requests.

Ultimately, after lots of tears and back and forth, P said he didn't want to end it, he just wanted to change the dynamics and reduce the drama. I think it might be too late, but because I've never been one to walk away when there's still a glimmer of possibility, I decided to give it one more shot, understanding much more clearly where my boundaries (and his) are right now. Like, neither of us want a relationship that has more drama than fun; we both have a lot of stress and pressure in our lives and if we are going to continue dating, it needs to be a positive force in both our lives. Like, he promises to always be honest with me about how he feels (about me and about other women in his life), but he doesn't agree to be interrogated endlessly about them, Like, I may not be entirely comfortable with or fully understand those unusually close female friends, but as long as they are just friends and not affecting our relationship, then it's not fair for me to ask him to give them up.

Sounds great, right? I've been here before -- profound epiphany! followed by a return right back to the same old hamster wheel. So what am I going to change to give this a shot at success?

1. Dial back the intensity. Stop seeing P during the week (at least as a rule, I'm sure there will be the occasional weeknight happy hour or dinner, but not every week). He's used to a little more time to himself than he's been getting and while he says he's happy to see me anytime, I now see that it can get to be too much, especially when work is particularly busy. And I need to get refocused on making time for myself -- to swim, see friends, go to a movie, whatever. Part of my balance issues lately definitely revolve around too much time away from home and too many late nights. So I'm going to work on correcting that so I can be at my best for my kids, at my job, and when I see P.


2. Get real about the relationship. I'm hoping that getting more exercise and more sleep will also help me regain some much-needed perspective on what P is and what he can be to me. P is not my forever guy. Repeat: P is not my forever guy. I've said it before, but now I need to work on believing it. P does not want to get married. P likes kids, but does not want to be a father or stepfather. And while I am prepared to accept P's complicated friendships while we're dating, they do add just enough unease to my feelings for him that it will probably keep me from getting as close to him as I could otherwise. But on the other hand, P and I do genuinely care for each other and we have a lot of fun together. And I am in no way ready for my forever guy. P knows all of this and understands. He has seen me at my worst and still wants me. Ultimately, I think maybe I will become another one of his unusually close female friends, and you know what, that might be kind of nice.

3. Rinse, repeat, and refocus. The only way this works is if I actually follow through. AND if I find something else to focus my obsessiveness on. My psyche right now is like a particularly dangerous neighborhood, complete with abandoned buildings, busted-out cars, and random gunfire -- you don't want to go there at all, and especially not at night. So I've got to give my brain something else to do ... blog, read, work, memorize poetry ... anything other than THINK. I particularly need something to do at work when seedy thoughts start to lurk around on the street corners looking for a fight. Any suggestions?

Oh readers, when will I learn? Drinking + serious conversations with P = a mess. Last night, I went out for drinks with P and another coworker, B. We had a great time, but P and I both drank too much. I had decided to hold off on talking to him about the WW situation for another time, but of course once we got back to his place, I blurted out the whole thing, sobbing. P tried to comfort me and said all the right things in terms of how he feels about her and how he feels about me -- and I believed him -- but I don't know if it's enough. He's not going to stop spending all that time with her (and yes, she did go with him to get his hair cut) and even though I believe that there is nothing romantic going on, it's not going to hurt any less to know he's doing all those things with her and not me.

R asked an interesting question -- would I be as upset if WW were a guy? -- and I have to admit that it wouldn't bother me as much. And if we didn't work together, I might never even know she existed. They don't hang out or even talk on nights and weekends, so it would probably not even be a factor if I didn't see him during the day.

I still don't know what I am going to do. I left last night in tears amid kisses and apologies from P, who seemed genuinely shocked and sorry that the haircut thing had hurt me so much. I told him when I left that I would try to deal with it and we made tentative plans for the weekend. But I don't know if I can.

One the one hand, I do believe him that the relationship is platonic. He obviously has the right to have friends other than me, and they have a 7-year history of getting lunch together and going to the gym and, apparently, getting haircuts together. I believe him when he says he is not choosing her over me, but just doing what they've always done. He certainly spends plenty of time with me, too. I believe him when he says there is room for both of us in his life.

On the other hand, it hurts to see them together and it hurts that he is doing things with her that I think he should be doing with me  and I don't know how to not hurt over it. I know that if I can't find a way to change my feelings about the situation that it will take over our relationship. I don't want to keep having the same conversation over and over again.

He did say last night that we needed to talk once we were sober, but I don't know what else to ask to help me understand and accept. He has said repeatedly that there is no sexual or romantic aspect to their relationship. He said that if she were to leave her husband tomorrow, he would not be interested that kind of relationship with her. He said he loves me and that I am not his second choice. He is sorry he hurt me. He doesn't want me to leave. What else should I ask?

Second Prize

Yesterday brought another (perhaps minor) incident with P and WW yesterday -- he was going for a haircut, I strongly suspect (but don't know for sure) that she went with him. It bothered me a lot. I mean, isn't that a little weird? A little ... personal? But then I stopped to think about it, and R and I sometimes run errands together. In fact, just recently I asked him if he wanted to come with me on a quick trip downtown. I don't think anything of that, so how is this different? I want to ask him about it, but haven't because, I finally realized that ultimately, the haircut trip isn't what matters. Neither do the coffee runs or daily lunches. That's their routine and has been for years. I knew going in that nothing was going to change about that.

But after a few tears and lots of 5 am pondering, I realized what DOES matter: WW is P's "person". The person he shares things with and confides in. He shares with and confides in me, too, but I'm not his first stop. Whether or not their relationship is or ever has been romantic or physical, it's undeniably emotional. No matter how much he cares about me, I come second. When she's not around during the week, he is constantly asking me to coffee and lunch; the minute she's back, I cease to exist. And ultimately, that's not what I want. I want to be P's person and if that position is already filled, well, then I want open myself up to be that person for someone else someday.

So what to do? Right now -- today -- nothing. I need to sit with this for awhile until I am sure. Sure that this is not about feeding some crazy drama cycle, trying to get P to fight for me, to prove that I really do matter. Because I know he won't fight. He'll just calmly listen and then let me go. It can't be about getting something from him. It has to be about making the right decision for me, for good.

47 ... 14 ... 3

I'm still struggling this week. With balance, with identity, with what I want ...  it has been 16 months to the day since exH moved out, and some days it seems like I have come so far only to feel on other days that I am even more adrift than I was back then. Thankfully, the day-to-day feelings of hopelessness and sadness that came from living in a failed marriage are gone, along with the constant fear of exH's temper.

But in their place are a different sort of hopelessness and fear. Fear that I will fail Lulu and Boo -- and myself -- in some way, whether it be emotionally, financially, or professionally. Fear that I have already or will warp their ideas about relationships, either through the divorce or by bringing the wrong people into their lives ... or perhaps worse, by not modeling a healthy relationship at all. Hopelessness that where I am right now -- house poor, relationship-challenged, professionally unsatisfied -- is where I will always be.

Of course, I know things will change. The girl I was at 25 is incredibly different from whom I am at 35, so 45-year-old me still has a fighting chance. I think about P, who tells me he was broke, unemployed, and nearing the end of a 10-year relationship when he was 35. Today at 45, he is near the top of the company we work for and has enough money saved not to have to worry about the future. And he has me -- whether or not that's ultimately a good thing for him, I don't know -- but he can't say he isn't loved and wanted.


Here are a few changes I am looking forward to (and counting down to) ...

In 47 days ...
I close on the new house. And about a week later, I'll finally have a place of my own again.

In 14 days ...
The divorce will be final.

In 3 years ...
I will find a real job. This is a new deadline I am setting for myself. In three years, I want to have a new job, in a career I am excited about, at a company where I want to stay. I am fortunate to have a job now that pays me decently, if not enough, allows me a very liberal schedule, and where I have been long enough that barring something extreme, I am very unlikely to be fired or laid off. If the recent crisis didn't do it, then I am probably OK. But it doesn't fulfill me in any meaningful way, and it isn't where I want to spend the next 25 years. Why wait three years and not start looking today? I figure I need about three years to settle into the new house, get my feet back under me financially, and most important, get Boo settled into school. And it may take three years to figure out exactly what it is I want to do.  So June 2013, I've got you circled in red.

Your weekly musings on P
As per usual (a P saying), I am still confused about P. Where we are or aren't going, whether it is good or bad that he is my escape, what I am discovering about who I am in a relationship. We had a pretty nice week, spending some or all of 5 out of 7 days together. Sometimes I can relax and enjoy the time with him without worrying about the future, while other days the lack of a future gnaws away at me. I don't know for sure how he feels and I doubt he does, either. I do know (if I don't always remember) that whatever happens, I will come out of this much better than I went in. Either it lasts and we're happy or it doesn't, and though I will be sad then, I have learned so much about myself through this. I have seen so clearly many of the destructive patterns I played out in previous relationships and I've gotten the chance to practice correcting them. Most important, I've learned how to love someone without letting them take over my life. And I will always be thankful to him for all of this.