Reflections of Me

Do you ever find that the traits that drive you absolutely INSANE in others are faults you yourself possess?

Take Lulu. I would jump in front of a bus for that kid, but man, does she make me crazy! I used to think we were just nothing alike and worried that we'd never really click the way I do with Boo. I can't remember what prompted it, but awhile ago I had a burst of clarity where I saw the true problem. Lulu is EXACTLY like me. And those things that bug me about her? Yup, they're the very things I don't like about myself. Like, she HATES change -- anything from a different brand of mac & cheese to changing schools. And she's super-shy around new people, sometimes behaving almost rudely. She's overly dramatic, worries about everything, cares way too much about what people think, and cries when things don't go her way.

One guess where she got all that.

She still drives me crazy, but at least now I get it. Those are all faults of mine, things I've struggled to overcome, some more successfully than others. I mean, I still dread change, but I can manage to be polite around new people. And I still worry too much, care too much, and cry too much. Part of what makes me nuts when I see these things in Lulu is that I know how much easier life will be for her if she can somehow learn now what it's taken me 36 years to grasp -- none of it matters! -- but I guess she'll have to figure it out herself.

Case in point: Earlier this week, she decided she wanted her hair cut. Apparently that very second. So she hacked off the front with safety scissors. Awesome. At first, I was furious. What was she thinking?? Why didn't she just ask me to take her to get her hair cut? Now I was going to have to pay to get it fixed. Argh. But then I thought back to the time I turned my hair orange trying to color it and had to borrow $100 from then-boyfriend exH to get it corrected professionally. But that was like 13 years ago! Or, you know, the time I decided to try to rewire the bathroom and ended up shelling out $250 to an electrician to fix the resulting mess. That was just a couple weeks ago.

So I relaxed, took her to get it fixed, and made her promise not to do it again. Once she saw how much better the professional cut looked, she readily agreed. Now let's hope she doesn't try her hand at electrical work!

Meditations on the Status Quo

The days are just flying by lately. Thankfully, there's been so little drama since I last posted that I haven't known what to write about! P and I seem to have settled into some sort of relationship plateau -- we're past the "what are we doing here?" phase and not yet into the "so where is this going?" phase. I expect someday we'll at least have a conversation about it, but I'm in no hurry and I certainly have no idea right now what the answer would be. We're so different in so many ways that I'm not sure if we're alike enough in the right ways for this to last. But we'll save that for another post. For right now, I'm just enjoying cruising along the plateau.

On to another topic altogether ... uniforms. No, not the polo/plaid skirt type. I'm talking about the default outfit you grab in the morning. For me, it's jeans year-round, paired with a tee or tank and flip flops in the summer and with a cardigan and boots in winter. Now, this is not a huge revelation. It's not like I just noticed yesterday that I own 15 pairs of jeans! But what is a revelation is that I've stopped fighting my uniform and embraced it. For a long time, I forced myself to try to break out of my comfort zone. I'd buy cute pencil skirts, strappy sundresses, flowy silk blouses, scarves in every shape and color ... and while they were all gorgeous hanging there in my closet, they rarely saw the outside world.

So instead of trying to play dress-up, I'm now embracing my style. This year, I've invested in a slew of  great-fitting jeans, an array of stylish tees, and upped the style quotient with colorful shoes, pretty necklaces, and cute jackets. And I couldn't be happier with the results! Since I work in a casual office, I wear the same thing weekdays and weekends ... getting dressed is easy, shopping even easier. Sure, I'll bust out a dressy dress or short skirt once in awhile, but for now I am loving my "uniform"!

What Goes Up ...

So all has been pretty quiet the past two weeks. P and I have been doing great -- he's been hanging out with the kids, helping me out with house stuff, took me out for my birthday ... just generally being"there" for me. ExH was behaving well and work was going fine. I finally felt settled and dare I say, happy.

But nothing good can stay, it seems. Today, I was supposed to go to New York for the day for an important meeting. ExH promised to be here by 7 so I could catch an 8 am train. I got up at 5:30, dressed in my chicest city outfit, got the kids up and dressed and fed and was ready to go by 6:55. Well, 7 came and went with no word, then 8, then 8:30, when we had to leave to get Lulu and Boo to school. Yet still nothing, despite a text and at least 7 phone calls. I apologized profusely to the colleague who I was supposed to be going with, and embarrassed, explained to my boss's boss why I was at the office instead of at the meeting.

Finally at 11:30, when I'm starting to wonder whether I should be calling hospitals, I get a text from him saying his phone had been on vibrate so he missed his alarm and all my calls. Awesome, right? I was (am) furious, not so much because I missed the meeting, but because I resent the hell out of him because he CAN be totally irresponsible. And the biggest consequence is that he pisses me off. He has no job, hasn't paid child support since June, yet has gone on several trips, and has zero responsibilities. While I have far too many. I wish I could have a day to just blow off my life, but I don't even have 10 minutes to break down in private. Not when my boss's boss yells at me (yeah, the day got even worse). Not when I come home to yet another bill I don't have money to pay. Not when I'm exhausted from working at night and not sleeping enough.

I am tired of doing everything on my own. I am tired of not being able to count on anyone. Yes, it's great that I can do it all on my own. But just once in awhile I wish I didn't have to.