"If only we'd stop trying to be happy, we could have a pretty good time."
- Edith Wharton

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Tough Calls

Decisions I never thought I'd have to make a few years ago ...
1. Whether to spend Thanksgiving with my ex who hates me (Yes, sigh.)
2. When, if ever, to allow my boyfriend to spend the night while the kids were home (Last Sat.)
3. Whether or not to discuss decision#2 with the aforementioned exH beforehand (No way Jose!)

Yeah, single parenting is a bit trickier than I imagined. Especially once there are new significant others to consider. If you had asked me this time last year, or even a couple of months ago, I would have said that I'd never have a boyfriend spend the night when my kids were home. And to be honest with you, I'm not 100% sure it was the right decision. I AM 100% sure there will be some consequences when exH hears about it.

But, P and I are turning into something more real than we were before and I'm not as content to keep my life with him separate from the rest of my world as I was before. More and more, I want him to know Lulu and Boo outside of the occasional visit. I want him to know me in a different way -- not just as a colleague and a girlfriend, but as a mother, too. After all, if there's ever a next step for us -- if there's ever even to be a conversation about next steps -- we both need to know if he can be part of my whole world, if he even wants to. It's a lot to ask of someone, a lot he would have to change. I don't know if I could change that much for someone else, frankly.

All that makes it sound like I gave this decision careful consideration. Which I confess I didn't. It was getting late on Sat. night, we had a nice fire going in the fireplace, and P was getting sleepy. It seemed silly to send him home, so I asked him if he felt comfortable staying. And you know what, it was FUN having him stay over. Everyone seemed comfortable and relaxed. P stuck around until noon -- far later than I expected. The kids had fun playing with him. So I'm glad I did it, even if it might not have been the "right" thing to do.

As for Thanksgiving, after some drama on Monday and Tuesday, the day itself was smooth sailing. All it required were a few lies on my part to smooth things out with exH and assure him we all wanted him to come to dinner. It's only going to get harder, though. Someday exH or I will want to spend holidays with the kids, but not with each other. We'll have to start taking turns with them, which means there will come a holiday when I'm not with my kids. I'm not looking forward to that day.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Can You Choose to Be Happy?

Today's post is another one that has been bouncing around my head in the few hours when I am not working, sleeping, or browsing the Internet. It's about what it means to be happy and whether or not happiness is something you can choose.

I thought for a long, long time that happiness was somehow handed to you. Something that if you were nice and smart and tried to do the right things would just settle down upon you gracefully, like a light dusting of snow.

That didn't work out so well. So now what?

Now, I think you can choose happiness. Not to say that it's always easy. I have an exH who may or may not actually hate me, but who is at least deeply angry at me. And who hasn't paid a penny in child support since June. My "emergency" savings is quickly dwindling. I am chronically overtired from working full-time plus doing extra freelance to make ends meet, taking care of the house and two adorable but needy kids, and trying to squeeze in a little bit of a life with P. There's a lot in my day-to-day life that isn't a whole lot of fun. I don't always feel all that happy.

But on the flip side, I've got two adorable, healthy kids who are needy because they know I am the parent they can count on 100%. ExH is awful to me, but at least he loves Lulu and Boo. And I don't have to live with him anymore. I may not have much extra money, but the freelance job (courtesy of WW of all people) is certainly a blessing. Work is overwhelming, but challenging. And at least I have a boyfriend who loves me (and actually says it, which I never thought would happen). He even gave me my own drawer this weekend. P's transformation from a die-hard commitment-phobic bachelor into a legitimate "I love you"-saying, drawer-giving boyfriend? Who says there's no such thing as miracles?

So what's not to be happy about?

Monday, November 15, 2010

Take the Stairs

I've written at least a dozen posts in my head over the past month or so, but there's a slight problem. When I have the energy to write, I don't seem to have the time. And when I have the time? I'm too fried to do anything but sleep or gaze blankly at QVC. (Or both ... I often wake up to the midnight announcement of the TSV -- Today's Special Value for those in the know.)

But there are a couple of posts that have kind of clung to my few remaining brain cells, begging to be written. So I'm going to try to squish them all into one. Bear with me.

Take the Stairs
First, the title of this post: Take the Stairs. This was one of my New Year's Resolutions. (There were three. And in a remarkable triumph of memory and intention, I remember all three and have actually done them.*) When I made the resolution, I meant it literally: walk my ass up the f*ing stairs instead of slouching to the elevator to my 4th floor office. Every day, every time I go in or out of the office. Because it's easy, cheap exercise and I feel less lazy when I do it.

But over time, that phrase started to take on some larger meanings ... take the high road, don't slip into the "lazy" old patterns; don't take shortcuts, if you're going to do something, do it right. Take the stairs. And for the most part, I've done that, especially in my relationships. Oh, I've stumbled more than a few times. But I've learned a lot, too. And each time, it gets a little easier to be nice to exH, to be rational and secure with P, to plow through work stuff I'd rather not do, to be kinder to those coworkers I'd prefer to strangle, to be patient with Lulu and Boo. Practice makes ... perfect-ish.

Do You See What I See?
I had a moment last week that I think may have actually changed my life. I know, sounds dramatic, but in just one conversation, I suddenly began to question how I see the whole world.

So here's the backstory. A couple weeks ago, P and I went to NYC for the day for a work meeting. L, a colleague who lives in New Orleans, came with us. Here's what you need to know about L: she's very pretty, super-stylish, and is living with one of P's closest friends. She and I are friendly, but not close. She and P are friends through his friend. In the days leading up to the trip, P and I had been under a lot of pressure and hadn't seen each other much. So that's where we start.

Here's how the trip went from my perspective: P was happy and friendly with L, even a touch flirty, perhaps. He barely talked to me, but seemed to pay attention to L's every word. They chatted about P's friend and reminisced about some crazy parties the three of them had been to. I was pretty quiet most of the day, feeling like a third wheel. When we got back, I dropped L off at her hotel, then took P home. He didn't invite me in and I left convinced he was done with me.

But here's the twist. The next night, there was a party at the office and L and I got to talking. She asked how things were with P. She mentioned that he seemed so "happy and relaxed" around me and commented that she was thrilled to see us so happy together.

What?

Since I'd had a few gin and tonics, I poured out my side of the NYC trip. She was genuinely stunned -- she hadn't seen it my way at all. To her, we seemed fine -- great, even. She said she'd never seen P so happy.

Is it possible that I'd had it all wrong?

And if so, how many other scenes like that had I completely misinterpreted? I started thinking back to all the times I'd been in similar situations, wondering if just maybe there was another way to see things. Have you ever seen this optical illusion? If you look at it one way, you'll see an old lady; look again and you can see a beautiful young woman.


Is it possible I've spent my life only seeing the old hag and missing out on the beauty?

Stay tuned for another post on recent revelations. Right now, I need to check out the latest TSV!

*The other two were to wash my face every night (gross, I know, but I never used to do it and now I do!) and to "rise above" all the crap. I'll give myself a C+ there.