From the Files of: You've GOT to Be Kidding!

http://www.master-edge.com/biz/pink-has-some-seeing-red-in-j-crew-clothing-ad/

J. Crew designer Jenna Lyons was recently photographed painting her young son's toenails pink. Cute, right? He's a little kid, who cares?

Apparently a lot of people ...

“This is a dramatic example of the way that our culture is being encouraged to abandon all trappings of gender identity,” psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow wrote in a FoxNews.com Health column about the ad.


Media Research Center’s Erin Brown agreed, calling the ad “blatant propaganda celebrating transgendered children.”

What? How can a child that young remotely be considered "transgendered"? Sexualizing the behavior of such a young child is, in my opinion, just sick.

Of course, I'm speaking as a mother whose 3-year-old dressed up as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz last Halloween and who, at 4, often wears nightgowns to bed. He also loves having his toes painted and I often oblige. Do all of those things mean he's gay? Or is he just emulating his beloved older sister? Does it matter?

Not to me. I firmly believe sexuality is nature, not nurture, and all a parent can do is love and accept their child. Anything else just makes them feel that something is wrong with them, and gay or straight, no child should be made to feel ashamed of who they are.

It's not always easy. Boo got teased a bit for his Dorothy costume. ExH hasn't always been supportive, and my beloved (and very manly) brother-in-law about choked when I sent Boo to get ready for bed and he returned with a Dora nightgown. (To his credit, BIL recovered quickly and made no comments.)

And then there are the people who surprise me. Like P, another very macho guy, who, when he first saw Boo wearing one of Lulu's dresses around the house, merely commented, "nice dress, man" without a hint of sarcasm. Or a gay coworker in his 50s who teared up when I told him about Boo's costume and leapt up to hug me, saying, "I wish I'd had a mom like you."

So, Jenna, shrug it off, your son is gorgeous and you're a great mom for encouraging his love of pink polish! Want to take the boys for pedicures sometime?

A Trip to the Gym = A Revelation

P and I joined a gym this week through our company. I am not a gym person. In fact, I have not had a gym membership in at least a decade. Longer if you don't count gym memberships I paid for but never used. But this one is super cheap and convenient and I need to get back in shape, so I figured I'd give it a shot. We went yesterday, then hit up our favorite neighborhood hang-out for dinner afterward. As we walked to the car, P excitedly asked if we could do this every Tuesday and Thursday (exH's nights with the kids).

We'd planned to join before I read the book I posted about yesterday. But I realized after I dropped P off that it was the perfect choice for our anxious/avoidant relationship. First, while we go there together and hang out afterward, while we're there, we have our own routines, so P gets a little space. Second, it gives us standing plans twice a week, eliminating my frustration of always having to initiate plans. Finally, it's good for us and gives us a shared goal to work toward outside of work, which is especially nice for us since he and I tend to spend more time talking about office nonsense than we'd like.

Read This Book!

While my highlights were being touched up last week, I browsed through Women's Health magazine, which is surprisingly decent. It reminds me of Shape. As I was flipping through, one of those "analyze your relationship style" articles caught my eye. Its bullet-point summary of the "anxious attachment style" nailed me perfectly. And the "avoidant" style was so clearly P. Turns out the article was an excerpt of a book called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love. I whipped out my phone and immediately ordered the Kindle edition.



I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that I've read more than a few relationship books in an attempt to sort out all my various issues. And while I can find elements of any approach that speak to me, this book is the first one that seemed to get it right.

I won't try to summarize the book as I'd never do it justice. It's a quick read, written very clearly and with lots of concrete examples and clear advice, so I really recommend that you check it out if you have any concerns about your relationship "style". Here are just a few things that jumped out to me...

What I liked best about it is that there is no blame, no talk of emotional unavailability, etc. Your "attachment style" (anxious, avoidant, or secure) is part of your core make-up and isn't easily changed. All you can do is learn how to recognize where it fails you and adapt.

Once I understood my style and P's, it confirmed a few things I've suspected about our relationship. First, we think about the relationship completely differently, which sometimes creates misunderstandings. Second, even though we are totally different, we complement each other in an odd (and potentially unhealthy) way. In fact, the anxious-avoidant pairing is very common. And finally, some of the things about P that make me question his feelings for me actually have nothing to do with me at all. He would be the same with any partner.

There's no cure here, at least not if I stay with P. (According to the authors, I'd do better with someone in the secure or mildly anxious category.) If the book's premise is true, many if not all of the issues P and I have will never be resolved. For instance, he will likely never feel 100% comfortable expressing his feelings for me and I will probably never stop wishing he would. We can only improve our understanding of each other's needs and learn to better communicate them. I'll let you know how it goes!