A Pretty Good Time

Lazy Summer

2011-08-19T13:28:00.000-04:00

I know I should apologize for my two-month-plus absence, but I can't. Why? Because this summer has been so much fun that I haven't had time for the usual angst and obsessing that fuels this blog.

So what's been going on? Lots of this:

Some (but never enough!) of this:

And almost (maybe none?) of the perpetual insanity of last summer. Between the unstable ex, moving, and multiple breakups, last summer was, well, kind of hellish.

So really, I could have done nothing this year and 2011 would still win hands-down. But we've done so much more! The kids and I joined the neighborhood pool club, where we've spent many a post-camp/work late afternoon. Lulu went from needing a flotation vest to swim back in June to jumping off the diving board (in 11-feet water!) last week with no lessons! I took the kids to Chincoteague for a couple of days in June and P and I spent a perfect week in the Outer Banks at the end of July. So perfect that he offered to take me back for my birthday in a few weeks.

He and I feel pretty solid these days. We've gotten better at resolving conflicts before they go too far, so the drama level has fallen considerably. Mostly, we've just been relaxing and enjoying the time we have together without much stress. Certainly no complaints about that!

And even work is looking up -- I just got offered a new role in an entirely different area of my current company after about two years of trying to change jobs. I'm so excited to get a new challenge without having to change companies!

Some Unexpected Things

2011-06-09T15:37:00.000-04:00

I don't like to be surprised. Surprise parties? Unthinkable. Pop quizzes? Not a fan. Look, I just like to be prepared. I like to know what's coming and formulate a response. Email is like the best thing that has ever happened to me. Phone calls? Not so much.

I am so determined to be prepared for any possible occurance that I can make myself crazy imagining all the things that could possibly happen in any given situation. As a result, I am almost never surprised.

But the past week held some unexpected events.

First, P is back. No big emotional drama or anything, he just came over last Friday and said he didn't want space any more and now we're together again. I was at least 95% sure that we were done, so this was a big surprise, though a good one. P and I are never going to have the easiest of relationships. I doubt this will be the last break. But I am glad to have him back right now.

Second, I signed up for a community college class. I spend a lot of time complaining about my current career and dreaming of what the next one might be. But I never DO anything about it. Until today. One career I've been thinking about is becoming a marriage counselor. I know, I know, I am not really so good at the whole relationship thing ... and who would take marriage advice from someone who's divorced? Still, I'm intrigued. I seem to be pretty good at giving my friends advice about their marriage problems, and since this interest has lasted more than my standard 3-6 month whims, maybe it's worth a shot. I found a part-time master's program nearby that I can apply for this winter. It requires a course in Abnormal Psychology. So I signed up for one this fall. I'll keep you posted.

Finally, Boo is wearing shorts. Uncoerced! I wasn't sure we were going to get there. He's still rocking the faux Uggs, but what can you do.

Stages of Grief, APGT-style

2011-06-01T19:06:00.000-04:00

Oh, I know all about the Kubler-Ross model. My father died when I was 8 and my mother, bless her, dragged me in and out of therapy for a few years before she realized that I was really not getting anything out of it. I was doing well in school and had lots of friends, so I was fine. Except I wasn't. Not that that's her fault, because it isn't. It's just that for a child, having a parent die pretty much fucks you up irrevocably. Google it, it's true.

Anyway, back to grief. It sucks, no matter what you're grieving. Or might be grieving, because I still don't know for sure that P and I are over, but I'm thinking we are. And I figure the sooner I get over him, the better. Yeah, it sucks. A lot.

But here's the good news...
I have a well-tested plan for getting over breakups. It involves lots of magazines, mindless books (and/or TV shows), and bourbon. You can substitute other alcohol for the bourbon if you must, but make sure it's the good stuff. No boxed wines, vodka by the gallon, or what have you. There are two reasons for this (ok, three). One, you deserve the best right now. Two, you don't want to add to your woes by becoming an alcoholic -- I don't know about you, but I am pretty careful with my $50 bourbon (Blanton's, if you must know*). And three, it gives you unbelievable street cred to talk high-end liquor (seriously, ask a bourbon drinker whether he prefers Woodford Reserve or Basil Hayden and see what happens).

Books and magazines are up to you -- in the past, I've gone with the Cosmo/Glamour-types and romance novels, but I found that too depressing. This time I've done a variety of home and garden magazines and six seasons of "Weeds" on Netflix. "Weeds" turned out to be an excellent choice -- single mom dealing drugs, clearly things could be so much worse! I have "Mad Men" lined up next. I'm finding gardening -- previously one of my most-hated chores -- pretty therapeutic. I may not be able to sustain a healthy relationship, but perhaps I can manage roses. Or a not-embarrassing lawn. We'll see how those turn out.

Also, and this one will be a bit controversial, don't talk about it. It helps that I don't really have many friends and that the wonderful friends I do have are busy with their own lives, but I know in the past I have spend countless hours obsessing, analyzing, etc. over breakups and with exH and now with P, I haven't and it's better.

Finally, have some kids. Ideally your own, but if you don't have them already, this is probably not the time. You can't cry around kids, it really freaks them out. So being around kids means you have to pull yourself together at least for awhile. And you can't drink *too* much around them. Plus, and most important, they're funny and fun. Mine are possibly (almost definitely) insane, and they are often (usually) (always) exhausting, but they are an endless supply of hugs, kisses, cuddling, and unconditional love. Who doesn't need that?

*Aside from tasting incredible, Blanton's comes in gorgeous cut-glass bottles with tiny brass horses on the stopper. Each horse is labeled with a letter (the letters spell out the brand) and when you put them all together, they look like they're racing. I'm trying to collect the set; it gives a nice sense of purpose to my drinking.

The Age of Uncertainty

2011-05-26T13:57:00.000-04:00

I'm sure we've discussed this before, but since I can't seem to find the relevant post, I'll just start by saying how much I hate uncertainty. I mean really hate it. Like, if were given a 50/50 chance of dying tomorrow, I'd probably just kill myself today to get it over with. Yes, I know how absurd that sounds. But like I said, I hate uncertainty.

Yet that's smack dab where I find myself these days. I have no idea what's going on with P. A couple of weeks ago, he said we needed to "figure out" some things. After a few days of oddly distant behavior from him with no further discussion, I said it seemed like he was the one with things to figure out and that I would leave him alone until he did. We haven't talked much since then. I guess he could legitimately be trying to figure something out. Or, more likely, this is his passive attempt to break up.

I want to know if it's over and I want to know why. Everything in me is dying to march over to him and launch into some emotional confrontation. But I'm trying to just sit back and wait it out. Because if he truly has something to work out, he needs space. And if, as I suspect, he's breaking it off, what do I have to gain by hearing that out loud? Closure, I guess, but not really. To continue my unfortunate metaphor, it's like dying instantly or over a few hours. Either way you're dead.

As for why ... at first it seemed crucial to know, but now I am wondering about that, too. Does it really matter? If there's someone else, I can't change that. And while I would be hurt, I would also be happy for him, too (really). If there's not, if he just doesn't love me anymore, then I can't change that either. In any case, no matter why it's over, it hurts all the same. No answer he could give would ease that. And I know him well enough to know he probably doesn't have any answers.

I truly love P. He is brilliant and courageous and unconventional and I have learned so much from him. I am absolutely a better person for having gotten to know him. But it has also been a rocky road for us. We have such different needs and expectations from a relationship and frankly, neither of us is all that good at love in the first place. So it may be for the best. I just need to stay calm and maintain the grace I have so often lacked in past breakups and try to remember that while being alone seems scary and sad right now, I used to actually like it.

If You Can't Stand the Heat ...

2011-05-25T15:39:00.000-04:00

So it's been awhile. I could give you the usual excuses ... I've been busy with work, kids, travel, confusing relationships, work issues, insane exes. You know, the usual. I could try to catch you up on everything, but for now I'm just going to tell you a story about Boo.

Boo, as you may recall, is the most wonderful and most stubborn boy ever. And he's pretty serious about his clothes. Specifically, he is very attached to his fleece sweatpants and long-sleeved hoodies and his dark brown faux-Ugg boots. That was great from, oh, October through March. Even into April and early May. But now it's in the 80s here most days and he still refuses to wear anything remotely weather-appropriate. His preschool teachers are afraid he'll get heatstroke. So I have tried everything I can think of, including bribery, forcefully dressing him in shorts, and anything in between. He won't budge. He insists he's not hot even as he's drenched in sweat.

Why does he hate shorts and short sleeves? I think because he can. The kid spends all day every day being told where to go and what to do, what to eat, when to sleep, and which parent will put him to bed. I think he just wants a little control in what must seem like a crazy world full of bossy tall people. I respect this, but I can't let him sweat to death. So we are at an impasse.

Now, I know you are thinking the kid is what? 4? (yes) and who the hell is running the show over there? Get some freaking shorts on that boy already!

Look, I hear you. I think I'm a pretty tough mom when it comes to most things. I insist on pleases and thank yous, I enforce early bedtimes and I'm getting them a piano and I try very hard not to feed them anything with artificial coloring. But it's hard for me to lay down the law when it will crush their spirit. Because no matter how hard I have tried to shield them from the cheating and lying and financial and emotional fall out from the divorce, we've all been crushed enough for awhile.

I try, I really do, but the sad truth is that they still sometimes hear me yelling at their father for whatever crap he has pulled most recently (and let me tell you this last one was a doozy) even when I try to hide in the bathroom. They sometimes even see me crying.

I'm still struggling with this control stuff myself. Every time I manage to get some, something or someone throws me off my game. Again. Like, I finally get to a place where I feel good about me and P and then out of nowhere he's not so sure how he feels anymore. Or, I manage to get my finances kinda sorta good and then exH informs me he's going to let the house we jointly own (but that he's supposedly legally responsible for) go into foreclosure. Wrecking my credit for the next 7-8 years. Awesome.

So what does that mean for Boo? I don't know. I guess I'll just keep pleading and compromising and bargaining and hope he embraces shorts on his own. Or hide all the winter stuff in the attic.

From the Files of: You've GOT to Be Kidding!

2011-04-13T11:28:00.000-04:00

http://www.master-edge.com/biz/pink-has-some-seeing-red-in-j-crew-clothing-ad/

J. Crew designer Jenna Lyons was recently photographed painting her young son's toenails pink. Cute, right? He's a little kid, who cares?

Apparently a lot of people ...

“This is a dramatic example of the way that our culture is being encouraged to abandon all trappings of gender identity,” psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow wrote in a FoxNews.com Health column about the ad.

Media Research Center’s Erin Brown agreed, calling the ad “blatant propaganda celebrating transgendered children.”

What? How can a child that young remotely be considered "transgendered"? Sexualizing the behavior of such a young child is, in my opinion, just sick.

Of course, I'm speaking as a mother whose 3-year-old dressed up as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz last Halloween and who, at 4, often wears nightgowns to bed. He also loves having his toes painted and I often oblige. Do all of those things mean he's gay? Or is he just emulating his beloved older sister? Does it matter?

Not to me. I firmly believe sexuality is nature, not nurture, and all a parent can do is love and accept their child. Anything else just makes them feel that something is wrong with them, and gay or straight, no child should be made to feel ashamed of who they are.

It's not always easy. Boo got teased a bit for his Dorothy costume. ExH hasn't always been supportive, and my beloved (and very manly) brother-in-law about choked when I sent Boo to get ready for bed and he returned with a Dora nightgown. (To his credit, BIL recovered quickly and made no comments.)

And then there are the people who surprise me. Like P, another very macho guy, who, when he first saw Boo wearing one of Lulu's dresses around the house, merely commented, "nice dress, man" without a hint of sarcasm. Or a gay coworker in his 50s who teared up when I told him about Boo's costume and leapt up to hug me, saying, "I wish I'd had a mom like you."

So, Jenna, shrug it off, your son is gorgeous and you're a great mom for encouraging his love of pink polish! Want to take the boys for pedicures sometime?

A Trip to the Gym = A Revelation

2011-04-06T15:47:00.000-04:00

P and I joined a gym this week through our company. I am not a gym person. In fact, I have not had a gym membership in at least a decade. Longer if you don't count gym memberships I paid for but never used. But this one is super cheap and convenient and I need to get back in shape, so I figured I'd give it a shot. We went yesterday, then hit up our favorite neighborhood hang-out for dinner afterward. As we walked to the car, P excitedly asked if we could do this every Tuesday and Thursday (exH's nights with the kids).

We'd planned to join before I read the book I posted about yesterday. But I realized after I dropped P off that it was the perfect choice for our anxious/avoidant relationship. First, while we go there together and hang out afterward, while we're there, we have our own routines, so P gets a little space. Second, it gives us standing plans twice a week, eliminating my frustration of always having to initiate plans. Finally, it's good for us and gives us a shared goal to work toward outside of work, which is especially nice for us since he and I tend to spend more time talking about office nonsense than we'd like.

Read This Book!

2011-04-05T13:37:00.000-04:00

While my highlights were being touched up last week, I browsed through Women's Health magazine, which is surprisingly decent. It reminds me of Shape. As I was flipping through, one of those "analyze your relationship style" articles caught my eye. Its bullet-point summary of the "anxious attachment style" nailed me perfectly. And the "avoidant" style was so clearly P. Turns out the article was an excerpt of a book called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love. I whipped out my phone and immediately ordered the Kindle edition.

I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that I've read more than a few relationship books in an attempt to sort out all my various issues. And while I can find elements of any approach that speak to me, this book is the first one that seemed to get it right.

I won't try to summarize the book as I'd never do it justice. It's a quick read, written very clearly and with lots of concrete examples and clear advice, so I really recommend that you check it out if you have any concerns about your relationship "style". Here are just a few things that jumped out to me...

What I liked best about it is that there is no blame, no talk of emotional unavailability, etc. Your "attachment style" (anxious, avoidant, or secure) is part of your core make-up and isn't easily changed. All you can do is learn how to recognize where it fails you and adapt.

Once I understood my style and P's, it confirmed a few things I've suspected about our relationship. First, we think about the relationship completely differently, which sometimes creates misunderstandings. Second, even though we are totally different, we complement each other in an odd (and potentially unhealthy) way. In fact, the anxious-avoidant pairing is very common. And finally, some of the things about P that make me question his feelings for me actually have nothing to do with me at all. He would be the same with any partner.

There's no cure here, at least not if I stay with P. (According to the authors, I'd do better with someone in the secure or mildly anxious category.) If the book's premise is true, many if not all of the issues P and I have will never be resolved. For instance, he will likely never feel 100% comfortable expressing his feelings for me and I will probably never stop wishing he would. We can only improve our understanding of each other's needs and learn to better communicate them. I'll let you know how it goes!

Lulu Learns an Essential Life Lesson

2011-03-25T15:32:00.000-04:00

Here's how most of the little mother-daughter talks between me and Lulu go. "Look, Lulu, I have been through this [insert school problem, sibling squabble, fight with a friend] before and I can save you a lot of pain and suffering if you just listen to my advice." And her responses, while varied, all show that she clearly does not believe that I could possibly have ever been 7, missed a word on a spelling test, fought with my friends, or got irritated at my younger sibling.

But! I have been vindicated! And so thoroughly that she now thinks I am some sort of wise Yoda mother who knows all.

On Monday, Lulu comes home in tears -- tears! -- because some boy at her after-school center likes her friend and not her. And worse this "friend" (who has caused several problems before -- I know I shouldn't hate a 7-year-old, but I kinda sorta hate this one) was now ignoring Lulu.

After some hugs and more tears, I made Lulu sit on my bed and look at me while I told her very firmly that 1. I know this is tough stuff, and unfortunately, it doesn't get any easier and the reason I know this is that I am 36 and still dealing with variations of these issues. And 2. That this so-called friend would come crawling back before the end of the week because I know for a fact that no 2nd grade boy is going to stay interested in a 1st grade girl for more than a few days.

Skeptical, she peered up at me and said, "You don't know that, mama!" But I do, I said. And sure enough, when I picked her up yesterday, she was playing with the girl. I asked what had happened and she said, eyes all big, "You were RIGHT, mama! Chase doesn't want to play with Olivia anymore. HOW did you know that?" I told her, look, Lulu, I know stuff. Pretty much anything that will happen to you has happened to me and I can tell you how it's going to play out. So listen up next time, ok?

The Big Reveal, part 2

2011-03-18T12:14:00.000-04:00

And now for a big announcement!

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No, I'm not marrying P (are you crazy??) or pregnant (god forbid). But I did start a new blog and I'd love for you to check it out (especially you random paint color junkies... you know who you are). It's called Amateur Decorator. Come on over and visit! I'll still keep posting my standard life drama here, of course.

The Big Reveal, part 1

2011-03-18T10:41:00.000-04:00

So it turns out I chose my paint colors well -- I love, love, love my new bedroom and bathroom. What a massive transformation!

Without further ado, here are the before and after shots.

What do you think? It's not quite finished yet. I'm still waiting on new end tables (they're actually Flint metal bar stools from CB2!) and I'm not sure where various art pieces will end up (I think the Escapes print will probably get relocated to the living room), but it's close! Oh, and I did touch up a few things between the time I took the photos and today ... new light switch and outlet plate covers, more panels on the windows, a new sconce above the bathroom mirror.

Now on to the kitchen ...

Where It All Came From ...
Bedroom:

Paint - Benjamin Moore Chelsea Gray in Aura Matte on walls, Sherwin Williams Extra White in gloss on trim and built-ins

Bedding - Dwell for Target

Light fixture - Ikea

"Escape" painting - CB2

Desk - West Elm
White shelving - Ikea

Headboard - West Elm
Gray curtains - Target

White sheers - Ikea

Bathroom:

Paint - Benjamin Moore Sanctuary in Aura Matte
Towels - CB2
Towel bars and knobs - West Elm

The Painters Are Here!

2011-03-07T16:07:00.000-05:00

Today is big day. You may recall that I have a ~~slight interest in~~ obsession with paint. Well, my painters are here for round 1 of a two-part painting extravaganza. Part 1, which will take three days, is my bedroom (including the hideous knotty-pine built-ins) and bathroom. Part 2, coming in April (to coincide with bonus time), will be the kitchen cabinets and walls, and the living/dining room, (which my mom, sister, and I painted when I moved in back in July, but the color is just not quite right and the painter is pretty cheap). There's really nothing like paint to transform a space, and somehow it recharges me mentally as well. I can't wait to see how it all comes together -- I've only spent about six months buying sample pots, studying blog and magazine photos, and pondering Moonshine vs Horizon vs Coventry Gray. I went with Ben. Moore Chelsea Gray (a medium true gray -- or so I hope!) on the bedroom walls with White Dove on the ceiling and Aura Sanctuary (a grayish purple) for the bathroom. Now is the moment of truth ... did I choose right?

Obsessing over paint and getting everything ready for the painters has prevented me from obsessing over P. I'm not sure what we're doing. We talked a long time on Tuesday night and I realized something pretty amazing and powerful ... I don't know what I want. And that's ... fine. I get so caught up in not wanting to make a(nother) mistake, not wanting to be taken for granted (again) ... just wanting to get. things. right. that I haven't spent enough time embracing the opportunity I have right now to take my time. There's no pressure on me or P to know what the future holds, no reason to make promises we both know all too well are much easier to say than to keep. I like P and I like having him in my life. The only question is what form that will take. And the only answer (right now at least) is I don't know.

So we've left things at that. We spent a lot of time together this weekend, much of it with my family (the first time he's been around my mom, stepdad, sister, and brother-in-law), and it was fun and relaxed and not weighed down by needing it to be anything more than a bunch of people having a good time. He stayed over Saturday night and it was so much fun watching him interact with Lulu and Boo in the morning. They climbed all over him, he pretended to be a horse bucking them off, I made everyone breakfast and then since it was such a gray, rainy day, we all curled up in my room and watched Enchanted.

It's not always as easy as it was this weekend, but I love (and will try to remember more often) that I am constantly learning. Whether it's a good weekend or an argument, I always come away seeing myself in a new light, with a new insight into some part of who I am in a relationship. Who knows? Maybe someday I will even know what I want.

My greatest triumph

2011-02-28T11:21:00.000-05:00

Today, I have been thinking a lot about this quote: "... the most triumphant moments are the days when I have no idea how I'm going to fix anything, but I get out of bed anyway." (It's from this great blog post.)

That's me right now. I have no idea what comes next for me and P -- it seems impossible that we could go back to where we were, and equally impossible that we'll have no relationship at all. We'll have to talk sometime soon ... there are work issues to figure out (does he come on an planned work trip in April? if not, how to explain the change in plans to the others involved?) and the dreaded exchange of stuff. I know I will lose it when I have to clear out my hard-won drawer. Him giving me that drawer meant so much.

I also have no idea what comes next in my career. Here, too, it seems all or nothing -- either I get the new internal position or I start looking to leave the company. As with P, I hope there's an alternative that I just can't see yet. My current company is such a safe place -- I think I'd have to assault the CEO to get fired -- and I need the financial security that it offers. But it's also not offering me the career satisfaction that the type A, first-born overachiever in me craves. And then there's all the history that looms when you've been somewhere for 12 years. You can't reinvent yourself. Plus, there's P.

For now, I am just focused on getting out of bed, getting through the day, and spending time with Lulu and Boo, who have no idea the comfort they provide.

End of the Road

2011-02-27T12:44:00.000-05:00

I think P and I are done. I say I think because we haven't stuck with either of our past breakups, but this time feels different. No matter how much he cares for me, even loves me, he's not in love with me, and I need that. There's no one to blame -- he feels how he feels. It's just not enough. The rational part of me knows there's no hope and that I need to move on. The rest of me? Is absolutely miserable. It's a sad day when you have to put on extensive eye makeup so that when your ex drops off your children, it won't be immediately obvious you've been crying for the last 14 hours.

I hate breakups. I hate starting over. I hate feeling (even more) alone. I hate that I will have to see him every day. I hate that people at work will eventually know. I hate that Boo (and even Lulu) might miss him. I hate that we'll have to somehow exchange all of the belongings we have at each other's houses. I hate how much I already miss him.

This just sucks.

Mud Bath

2011-02-17T14:56:00.000-05:00

The past few weeks I've been, well, there's no word for it other than wallowing. Down in the mud like this little guy, though believe me, he looks much cuter than I have lately.

Last time we spoke, it was Super Bowl Sunday (and all went well, even though Lulu and Boo were in top "hey, P's here so let's be as obnoxious as possible" form). But since then, things have gone downhill. Sort of like a mudslide, and not the yummy frozen drink kind.

(Warning: I read some advice today that said blog posts should be around 300 words. This is not that post.)

First, P and I started fighting. Over different stupid things. Last Tuesday it was over a dumb comment he made to a mutual friend about how exH sounded like a cool guy to hang out with. The mutual friend, B, is a tad evil and made more of it than it was, plus we'd all been drinking a little too much and I ended up storming out in tears, then waiting in the lobby of P's building until he came home, then arguing and crying some more (I told you, it hasn't been pretty).

We made up, then went out Friday night for lots and lots of drinks (hmm ... bad pattern already emerging) and had a teary drunken conversation about our future, wherein he said he loves me but doesn't know if he's in love or what that even means. More tears on my part, much consoling on P's. We talked about it more then and a few times since, and he's said he is happy with me and can definitely see a future for us, so I don't really know what to think, but man, it hurt to hear.

Saturday was nice and lazy, cuddling on the couch clutching our coffee. I felt better. Until I went home. And saw poor Boo's eyes, all red and goopy. Awesome, pinkeye. Again.

And then I got the mail. Which contained a bank statement for a joint account that exH and I have to manage the rental of our townhouse. Last month, it contained roughly $4500. Now? $191. ExH, who was not even supposed to have access to the account, let alone a check card, somehow blew through $4300 in less than six weeks. And I can tell you exactly what he spent it on -- booze and a lot of fancy dinners. While unemployed. And not paying a cent in child support. And asking me for money. How did it happen? He claims it was an honest mistake, yet he doesn't have the money in his main account to replacec what he ~~stole~~ spent. My discussions with the bank have been inconclusive. But still. How do you spend $4300 of money that YOU DON'T HAVE and not notice?

It was the last straw and something sorta snapped. I cried. I confronted him. I cried some more. In front of the kids, which I try really, super hard not to do, haunted as I still am from watching my mother just lose it after my dad died. I don't want my kids to feel responsible for me and my well-being, the way I did for hers. And yet, there was Lulu, peeking at me under the covers, pleading with me to tell her what was wrong. Her anxious little face broke my heart. I cried more.

I cried most of the day Sunday too, though thankfully mostly when the kids were otherwise occupied or asleep. I told my mother we weren't up for company when she asked to come over with Valentine's offerings. I let the kids eat popcorn and apples for dinner.

Monday, I made it into work, where I got the news that I am one of five finalists for an internal job I applied for. This might sound like good news to you, but this is for a lateral move that I am highly qualified for according to all involved. But still I am having to compete, American Idol-style, rather publicly for it. It's frustrating. ExH and continued bashing each other over our various crimes (him, blowing through $4300; me, calling him on it). Fun day.

Tuesday, P and I got into another stupid fight. He was in a bad mood, I was (still) in a bad mood (but not drinking at least). He was annoyed that I wouldn't stop whining (fair), I was annoyed that I wouldn't stop whining and also still smarting over the in love/not in love comment. I dropped him off after dinner, ignoring his plea that I at least come up and get my Valentine's gift. Then I went home and cried more.

Now it's Thursday. I'm feeling better. He seems better. The weather is warm and sunny, which always cheers me up. The joint bank account is still empty, but at least exH is moving all his furniture out of my house tomorrow, so I can start preparing for the arrival of my new couch. P and I have plans to see a movie (for the first time in our 13-month relationship!). So perhaps things are looking up.

Wardrobe Malfunction ... in honor of the Super Bowl!

2011-02-06T16:47:00.001-05:00

P is coming over to watch the Super Bowl with us. I'm making chili, I've got wood in the fireplace stacked up for a fire, Lulu and Boo are pretending not to be excited that P is coming but have still asked what time he'll be here approximately every 8 minutes ... and I'm nervous.

I'm always a little on edge when P comes over. When it's just us, I think I do a darn good job of being a fun, smart, pretty girlfriend. I'm laid back, low maintenance, and I can give him my full attention, undistracted by sibling squabbles, dirty dishes, or Boo's absurdly frequent requests for food. (Seriously, he eats ALL THE TIME. I eat like twice a day. I don't get it.)

But when P comes here? I'm a mom first and second and being a girlfriend comes a distant third. Which is why I just spent 20 minutes trying on clothes to find the perfect "of course I didn't dress up for the Super Bowl -- that would be crazy -- but don't I look cute anyway?" outfit. Sweats? Too frumpy. Skinny jeans? Too dressy. Yoga pants? Too obvious. I settled for a gray and white striped tee from Old Navy and Gap jeggings (jeggings: great invention, horrible name). It looks casual but (I hope) sexy. After all, the kids can only stay up until halftime ...

I've got to start chopping onions for the chili now, but I've got a new "favorite things" post in the works for you soon. It's been awhile and I've got a couple of things to share (three words: no more vacuuming).

Also, a quick blog note. I've got a new friend -- Singlemommyhood.com! Check out their link on the right side of the page. If you're a single parent, definitely check out Leah and Rachel's site -- it was a life saver for me when I first began navigating the strange new world of separation and divorce.

Finally, while I really couldn't care less who wins the Super Bowl when there are no Manning brothers on the field, I think I'm going to root for the cute, clean-cut QB over the bearded one accused of sexual assault. But that's just me.

One Down, Two to Go

2011-02-01T16:34:00.001-05:00

... Months in my no-clothes-shopping pledge, that is. I can't believe I made it an entire month! There were some close calls, I'll admit, but it's a good feeling to have gotten through January. Just two months to go ...

Not that I haven't bought anything at all. I love Craigslist -- in fact, I may never buy furniture new again! (Well, except for upholstered items. Those I'll still buy new. More on that in a sec.) Why buy new when CL has so many cool pieces for so much less? My latest finds? A Crate & Barrel desk & chair for Lulu ($100 for both) and a pair of super-chic Design Within Reach acrylic side tables ($100 each). Since I sold a rug and a chair (on CL, natch) this month, I'm only out $60.

Lulu's desk

I also decided to splurge on a new sofa with a portion of my upcoming tax refund. I have two couches now -- one is an Ikea sleeper sofa of exH's that I inherited when he moved into a furnished sublet, the other is a small leather couch that he and I bought along with two matching chairs about seven years ago. Both are serviceable and decent-looking, but neither is all that comfortable and both are too small for two people to lay on together.

With depth, comfort, and color (gray is a must) as my criteria, I first settled on the Lounge sofa from C&B. It had everything I was looking for and the price was reasonable. Perfect, right? But something kept bothering me about it. It just wasn't ME. I've always liked furniture with a slight edge to it, something you notice when you walk into a room. ExH's tastes were a little more, um, boring, so we compromised with more basic styles. (Note that I am gradually selling all that stuff and rebuilding!)

But I had no idea what sort of sofa would be ME. So P and I set off for the mall to sit on as many sofas as we could find. And in the second store we hit, there it was. Big, sprawling, yet somehow also classic and chic. A bit pricier than I had planned, but wait ... on sale! And it came in the exact color and fabric I wanted (a pewter microfiber/faux velvet -- easy to clean! soft! gray!). P sat on it. I lay on it. I took pictures of it and jotted down all the key info. Then, following my wait-a-day plan, I went home and slept on it. It will take 3 months to produce (in the USA no less, I feel so patriotic), enough time for me to sort out what to do with the existing sofas (hopefully exH takes one or both and whatever's left gets sold) and collect my tax refund and bonus.

Are you ready to see my new baby? Here she is! (Now imagine her in gray velvety fabric, sans animal prints.)

What do you think? Love it? Hate it? Unclear as to why you should care? Share!

Of Conflicts and Cats

2011-01-26T20:46:00.000-05:00

How do you deal with conflict? Are you passive, aggressive, passive aggressive, somewhere in between? I used to believe I was conflict-averse, but I think I was just afraid of what people would think if I spoke my mind. Now that I no longer give a shit what people think (affairs, divorce, and dating a coworker tend to get you past that fairly effectively, and xanax helps too, not that I am recommending any of those options), I find that I'm pretty comfortable and open with conflict. Most of the time.

I worry about this in relation to other people in my life. P is pretty passive. Not passive aggressive, fortunately, but highly uncomfortable with any sort of conflict. He will do pretty much anything not to deal with it. It worries me because I don't always know when he's frustrated or upset and occasionally that will cause a blowup. I also worry because I think he will never have the balls (or "chilattes" as a friend's 5-year-old son recently called them) to break up with me, even if/when he should. P could be all but married to someone else before he'd get up the nerve to tell me. So, yeah, that could be a problem.

ExH is the poster boy for passive aggressiveness. It comes out in funny ways, like leaving my kitchen a mess every single time he's at my house. Dirty dishes, crap spilled on the counters, odd bowls of half-eaten mystery food in the fridge. He knows it pisses me off because I have told him and asked (nicely!!) if he wouldn't mind cleaning up just a bit. But still, he does it every time. I'm trying to get past it because it's sure better than having him berate me with 12 years of wrongs (real and imagined) that I have done him. And I'm not entirely unfamiliar with the sinister joy of a true passive aggressive gesture. I did somehow end up getting two cats over the past year even though (or was it because ...?) he's highly allergic. Willa (left) and Molly sure aren't telling!

New Year's Reflections, Part 2: A Look Ahead

2011-01-03T16:29:00.000-05:00

Now that we've put 2010 to rest, here are a few things I'd like to do better in 2011. I haven't perfected these yet -- you're the first to hear them -- so bear with me. Last year's resolutions -- take the stairs, wash my face, and rise above -- had the benefit of being pithy, memorable, and even symbolic. So this year's have some big shoes to fill.

1. Along the lines of take the stairs, this year I want to drink more water. And get Lulu and Boo in the habit of drinking water more often too. I bought this handy little water system a couple of months ago and I love it! All the convenience of bottled water without the cost or the waste. We've all been drinking more water lately thanks to it.

2. And following the massive success of last year's wash my face pledge, this year, I'm going to brush every night. I know, I know, how did I survive 36 years without regularly washing my face or brushing my teeth every night? It's horrible, so this year, I'm going to get in the habit of brushing every night. I'm already in there washing my face, so it can't be that hard, right? You may be underestimating how lazy I can be at night! But I am optimistic about this one. Hey, maybe next year I'll tackle flossing! Wouldn't my dentist be proud.

3. Rise above, while noble, had limited success. Perhaps I'm just a petty, small-minded person (likely) or perhaps it was just too far-reaching to remember consistently. Who knows. But it's clear that more specific, focused resolutions work better for me. So instead of "just be nice" (a worthy contender for this slot), I'm going to go with "wait a day". That means before I buy anything non-essential, make any major decisions, or embark on any potentially difficult conversations, I'm going to hold off for 24 hours. I tend to be more impulsive than I'd like to be, especially when it comes to shopping and "we need to have a talk" moments.

4. Finally, out of both necessity and the fact that I already own more jeans than anyone should, I'm taking a short-term (90-day) no-clothes/shoes-shopping pledge. I'm putting it here because then I'll feel even guiltier if I break my promise!

Happy New Year!

New Year's Reflections, Part 1: A Look Back

2011-01-03T14:55:00.000-05:00

Well, so, 2010. It was sometimes trying, mostly rewarding, often both at the same time. I learned some important, if painful lessons about who I am and who I want to be. And I was pleasantly surprised to note (occasionally) that the space between wasn't as wide as I thought. Before we get too far into 2011, let's do a quick recap of the past year's highs and lows, shall we?

I embarked on my first post-exH relationship, which has been a goldmine of lessons, large and small. Most of which you have had the dubious privilege of learning right along with me.
ExH moved back in with us, then our divorce was finalized, followed almost immediately by exH's total breakdown and the end of our so-called "good divorce".
I bought a house, packed up the old one and got moved in with minimal trauma.
Lulu got settled in at a new school, learning to ride the bus and buy lunch in the process. Big stuff when you're 6!
I relearned how to live on a very tight budget, thanks to six months of no child support from exH. Wish I'd never unlearned that one!

Overall, while 2010 wasn't perhaps the most enjoyable year ever, I can easily say it was one of the most valuable. I'm better for it, the good and the bad. If I had to sum up the lessons of 2010 in one (hyphenated) word, it would be ... self-control. My ability to control how I act and react, and how I choose to see myself and the challenges in my life shape 99% of my mood and outlook. Choosing to be happy, choosing to keep perspective, choosing to view my life in a positive way actually makes me happier. If I could take only one thing with me into 2011, that would be it.

Tough Calls

2010-11-30T14:47:00.000-05:00

Decisions I never thought I'd have to make a few years ago ...
1. Whether to spend Thanksgiving with my ex who hates me (Yes, sigh.)
2. When, if ever, to allow my boyfriend to spend the night while the kids were home (Last Sat.)
3. Whether or not to discuss decision#2 with the aforementioned exH beforehand (No way Jose!)

Yeah, single parenting is a bit trickier than I imagined. Especially once there are new significant others to consider. If you had asked me this time last year, or even a couple of months ago, I would have said that I'd never have a boyfriend spend the night when my kids were home. And to be honest with you, I'm not 100% sure it was the right decision. I AM 100% sure there will be some consequences when exH hears about it.

But, P and I are turning into something more real than we were before and I'm not as content to keep my life with him separate from the rest of my world as I was before. More and more, I want him to know Lulu and Boo outside of the occasional visit. I want him to know me in a different way -- not just as a colleague and a girlfriend, but as a mother, too. After all, if there's ever a next step for us -- if there's ever even to be a conversation about next steps -- we both need to know if he can be part of my whole world, if he even wants to. It's a lot to ask of someone, a lot he would have to change. I don't know if I could change that much for someone else, frankly.

All that makes it sound like I gave this decision careful consideration. Which I confess I didn't. It was getting late on Sat. night, we had a nice fire going in the fireplace, and P was getting sleepy. It seemed silly to send him home, so I asked him if he felt comfortable staying. And you know what, it was FUN having him stay over. Everyone seemed comfortable and relaxed. P stuck around until noon -- far later than I expected. The kids had fun playing with him. So I'm glad I did it, even if it might not have been the "right" thing to do.

As for Thanksgiving, after some drama on Monday and Tuesday, the day itself was smooth sailing. All it required were a few lies on my part to smooth things out with exH and assure him we all wanted him to come to dinner. It's only going to get harder, though. Someday exH or I will want to spend holidays with the kids, but not with each other. We'll have to start taking turns with them, which means there will come a holiday when I'm not with my kids. I'm not looking forward to that day.

Can You Choose to Be Happy?

2010-11-22T16:07:00.000-05:00

Today's post is another one that has been bouncing around my head in the few hours when I am not working, sleeping, or browsing the Internet. It's about what it means to be happy and whether or not happiness is something you can choose.

I thought for a long, long time that happiness was somehow handed to you. Something that if you were nice and smart and tried to do the right things would just settle down upon you gracefully, like a light dusting of snow.

That didn't work out so well. So now what?

Now, I think you can choose happiness. Not to say that it's always easy. I have an exH who may or may not actually hate me, but who is at least deeply angry at me. And who hasn't paid a penny in child support since June. My "emergency" savings is quickly dwindling. I am chronically overtired from working full-time plus doing extra freelance to make ends meet, taking care of the house and two adorable but needy kids, and trying to squeeze in a little bit of a life with P. There's a lot in my day-to-day life that isn't a whole lot of fun. I don't always feel all that happy.

But on the flip side, I've got two adorable, healthy kids who are needy because they know I am the parent they can count on 100%. ExH is awful to me, but at least he loves Lulu and Boo. And I don't have to live with him anymore. I may not have much extra money, but the freelance job (courtesy of WW of all people) is certainly a blessing. Work is overwhelming, but challenging. And at least I have a boyfriend who loves me (and actually says it, which I never thought would happen). He even gave me my own drawer this weekend. P's transformation from a die-hard commitment-phobic bachelor into a legitimate "I love you"-saying, drawer-giving boyfriend? Who says there's no such thing as miracles?

So what's not to be happy about?

Take the Stairs

2010-11-15T21:00:00.000-05:00

I've written at least a dozen posts in my head over the past month or so, but there's a slight problem. When I have the energy to write, I don't seem to have the time. And when I have the time? I'm too fried to do anything but sleep or gaze blankly at QVC. (Or both ... I often wake up to the midnight announcement of the TSV -- Today's Special Value for those in the know.)

But there are a couple of posts that have kind of clung to my few remaining brain cells, begging to be written. So I'm going to try to squish them all into one. Bear with me.

Take the Stairs

First, the title of this post: Take the Stairs. This was one of my New Year's Resolutions. (There were three. And in a remarkable triumph of memory and intention, I remember all three and have actually done them.*) When I made the resolution, I meant it literally: walk my ass up the f*ing stairs instead of slouching to the elevator to my 4th floor office. Every day, every time I go in or out of the office. Because it's easy, cheap exercise and I feel less lazy when I do it.

But over time, that phrase started to take on some larger meanings ... take the high road, don't slip into the "lazy" old patterns; don't take shortcuts, if you're going to do something, do it right. Take the stairs. And for the most part, I've done that, especially in my relationships. Oh, I've stumbled more than a few times. But I've learned a lot, too. And each time, it gets a little easier to be nice to exH, to be rational and secure with P, to plow through work stuff I'd rather not do, to be kinder to those coworkers I'd prefer to strangle, to be patient with Lulu and Boo. Practice makes ... perfect-ish.

Do You See What I See?
I had a moment last week that I think may have actually changed my life. I know, sounds dramatic, but in just one conversation, I suddenly began to question how I see the whole world.

So here's the backstory. A couple weeks ago, P and I went to NYC for the day for a work meeting. L, a colleague who lives in New Orleans, came with us. Here's what you need to know about L: she's very pretty, super-stylish, and is living with one of P's closest friends. She and I are friendly, but not close. She and P are friends through his friend. In the days leading up to the trip, P and I had been under a lot of pressure and hadn't seen each other much. So that's where we start.

Here's how the trip went from my perspective: P was happy and friendly with L, even a touch flirty, perhaps. He barely talked to me, but seemed to pay attention to L's every word. They chatted about P's friend and reminisced about some crazy parties the three of them had been to. I was pretty quiet most of the day, feeling like a third wheel. When we got back, I dropped L off at her hotel, then took P home. He didn't invite me in and I left convinced he was done with me.

But here's the twist. The next night, there was a party at the office and L and I got to talking. She asked how things were with P. She mentioned that he seemed so "happy and relaxed" around me and commented that she was thrilled to see us so happy together.

What?

Since I'd had a few gin and tonics, I poured out my side of the NYC trip. She was genuinely stunned -- she hadn't seen it my way at all. To her, we seemed fine -- great, even. She said she'd never seen P so happy.

Is it possible that I'd had it all wrong?

And if so, how many other scenes like that had I completely misinterpreted? I started thinking back to all the times I'd been in similar situations, wondering if just maybe there was another way to see things. Have you ever seen this optical illusion? If you look at it one way, you'll see an old lady; look again and you can see a beautiful young woman.

Is it possible I've spent my life only seeing the old hag and missing out on the beauty?

Stay tuned for another post on recent revelations. Right now, I need to check out the latest TSV!

*The other two were to wash my face every night (gross, I know, but I never used to do it and now I do!) and to "rise above" all the crap. I'll give myself a C+ there.

Fun With Fall

2010-10-04T15:41:00.000-04:00

The temperature has finally fallen below 70 and I am loving fall! The constant rain is less charming, but I'll take any opportunity to bust out the boots and sweaters. Here are a few things I'm wearing this season, plus one bonus recipe!

Hello, My Name Is Robyn and I Am Addicted to Denim

You all know how I love my jeans, especially my Hudsons. I recently replaced nearly my entire jean stash after dropping two sizes this summer (yay!). I sold most of my designer pairs on eBay or at my local consignment shop, but since I couldn't afford an entire denim wardrobe of new Hudsons, I branched out a little and have some new faves to share. (Old Navy's Diva Skinny Jeans are still a staple -- I have them in three colors!)

* Paige Premium Denim: I only owned one pair of Paige jeans before recently, but I am addicted now! eBay has some amazing deals, and I've scooped up two pairs of black skinnies (they're different, trust me!) and an orange (!) pair, all in the Skyline cut. They are sooooo soft and comfortable. I've also seen them at TJ Maxx and Loehmann's, just never in my size sadly.

* Gap Girls Skinny Jeans: I recently discovered that I can wear Gap girls' jeans in a size 16-18, which is so cool since those sizes are often on clearance. I'd say the 16 runs between a 2 and 4 and the 18 runs between a 4 and 6 depending on the cut. I scored a gorgeous pair of plum stretch skinny jeans for $14 and a cute studded pair for $16. Warning ... the length varies dramatically. The studded jeans fit my 5'2" height perfectly (with enough length to wear with boots) while the plum pair was about 4" too long.

* Rock & Republic: I adore the giant embroidered "R"s on the back pockets (mine have them in red; pink and silver are on my wish list) and this is another brand that's easy to score at the discount stores and on eBay. Very chic.

Boots, Boots, Boots!

I've only bought one new pair -- these Frye Billy Shorts in Taupe that P and I scored at Loehmann's for half the regular price. They are so comfortable and add a certain sauciness to any outfit. I confess that I am loving the new over-the-knee styles, but I haven't been brave enough to try them yet. For now, I am searching for the perfect gray boots -- I'm thinking charcoal suede with a heel ....

Finally ... Food!

Fall food is probably my favorite. I love soups, stews, squash ... Thanksgiving dinner is pretty much the highlight of my culinary year. So I am excited to share a delicious chili recipe that I made for P last night. We both ate WAY too much because it was so, so good. And it's versatile too -- P has some weird kidney bean aversion, so I left those out. I'm making it for the kids this week and I'll skip the bell pepper for them as Lulu tends to view anything green skeptically. Seriously, go make this tonight -- it's super easy and fast and did I mention GOOD?

Recipe: Beef Chili from Smitten Kitchen ... Yum!

Reflections of Me

2010-09-24T17:32:00.000-04:00

Do you ever find that the traits that drive you absolutely INSANE in others are faults you yourself possess?

Take Lulu. I would jump in front of a bus for that kid, but man, does she make me crazy! I used to think we were just nothing alike and worried that we'd never really click the way I do with Boo. I can't remember what prompted it, but awhile ago I had a burst of clarity where I saw the true problem. Lulu is EXACTLY like me. And those things that bug me about her? Yup, they're the very things I don't like about myself. Like, she HATES change -- anything from a different brand of mac & cheese to changing schools. And she's super-shy around new people, sometimes behaving almost rudely. She's overly dramatic, worries about everything, cares way too much about what people think, and cries when things don't go her way.

One guess where she got all that.

She still drives me crazy, but at least now I get it. Those are all faults of mine, things I've struggled to overcome, some more successfully than others. I mean, I still dread change, but I can manage to be polite around new people. And I still worry too much, care too much, and cry too much. Part of what makes me nuts when I see these things in Lulu is that I know how much easier life will be for her if she can somehow learn now what it's taken me 36 years to grasp -- none of it matters! -- but I guess she'll have to figure it out herself.

Case in point: Earlier this week, she decided she wanted her hair cut. Apparently that very second. So she hacked off the front with safety scissors. Awesome. At first, I was furious. What was she thinking?? Why didn't she just ask me to take her to get her hair cut? Now I was going to have to pay to get it fixed. Argh. But then I thought back to the time I turned my hair orange trying to color it and had to borrow $100 from then-boyfriend exH to get it corrected professionally. But that was like 13 years ago! Or, you know, the time I decided to try to rewire the bathroom and ended up shelling out $250 to an electrician to fix the resulting mess. That was just a couple weeks ago.

So I relaxed, took her to get it fixed, and made her promise not to do it again. Once she saw how much better the professional cut looked, she readily agreed. Now let's hope she doesn't try her hand at electrical work!

Meditations on the Status Quo

2010-09-23T20:21:00.000-04:00

The days are just flying by lately. Thankfully, there's been so little drama since I last posted that I haven't known what to write about! P and I seem to have settled into some sort of relationship plateau -- we're past the "what are we doing here?" phase and not yet into the "so where is this going?" phase. I expect someday we'll at least have a conversation about it, but I'm in no hurry and I certainly have no idea right now what the answer would be. We're so different in so many ways that I'm not sure if we're alike enough in the right ways for this to last. But we'll save that for another post. For right now, I'm just enjoying cruising along the plateau.

On to another topic altogether ... uniforms. No, not the polo/plaid skirt type. I'm talking about the default outfit you grab in the morning. For me, it's jeans year-round, paired with a tee or tank and flip flops in the summer and with a cardigan and boots in winter. Now, this is not a huge revelation. It's not like I just noticed yesterday that I own 15 pairs of jeans! But what is a revelation is that I've stopped fighting my uniform and embraced it. For a long time, I forced myself to try to break out of my comfort zone. I'd buy cute pencil skirts, strappy sundresses, flowy silk blouses, scarves in every shape and color ... and while they were all gorgeous hanging there in my closet, they rarely saw the outside world.

So instead of trying to play dress-up, I'm now embracing my style. This year, I've invested in a slew of great-fitting jeans, an array of stylish tees, and upped the style quotient with colorful shoes, pretty necklaces, and cute jackets. And I couldn't be happier with the results! Since I work in a casual office, I wear the same thing weekdays and weekends ... getting dressed is easy, shopping even easier. Sure, I'll bust out a dressy dress or short skirt once in awhile, but for now I am loving my "uniform"!

What Goes Up ...

2010-09-08T19:33:00.000-04:00

So all has been pretty quiet the past two weeks. P and I have been doing great -- he's been hanging out with the kids, helping me out with house stuff, took me out for my birthday ... just generally being"there" for me. ExH was behaving well and work was going fine. I finally felt settled and dare I say, happy.

But nothing good can stay, it seems. Today, I was supposed to go to New York for the day for an important meeting. ExH promised to be here by 7 so I could catch an 8 am train. I got up at 5:30, dressed in my chicest city outfit, got the kids up and dressed and fed and was ready to go by 6:55. Well, 7 came and went with no word, then 8, then 8:30, when we had to leave to get Lulu and Boo to school. Yet still nothing, despite a text and at least 7 phone calls. I apologized profusely to the colleague who I was supposed to be going with, and embarrassed, explained to my boss's boss why I was at the office instead of at the meeting.

Finally at 11:30, when I'm starting to wonder whether I should be calling hospitals, I get a text from him saying his phone had been on vibrate so he missed his alarm and all my calls. Awesome, right? I was (am) furious, not so much because I missed the meeting, but because I resent the hell out of him because he CAN be totally irresponsible. And the biggest consequence is that he pisses me off. He has no job, hasn't paid child support since June, yet has gone on several trips, and has zero responsibilities. While I have far too many. I wish I could have a day to just blow off my life, but I don't even have 10 minutes to break down in private. Not when my boss's boss yells at me (yeah, the day got even worse). Not when I come home to yet another bill I don't have money to pay. Not when I'm exhausted from working at night and not sleeping enough.

I am tired of doing everything on my own. I am tired of not being able to count on anyone. Yes, it's great that I can do it all on my own. But just once in awhile I wish I didn't have to.

On Confessions and Cosmetics

2010-08-25T14:50:00.000-04:00

I have a confession to make. I've been putting off writing this post for a couple days now because I know what you guys are going to think. Hopefully you aren't as judgmental as R, who told me he doesn't want to hear another word about it.

So here goes: P and I are back together.

I know, I know, what am I thinking? First, I didn't go running back, even though it was tempting. He was the one who asked if we could talk through the problems. Which we did, pretty calmly and openly. He apologized for not being there when I moved and said that he does love me and wants to be there for me and be a part of my life. He admitted he isn't very good at expressing that. :) We talked about why our recent disagreements got so out of hand and how to better manage them in the future. It all felt very grown-up.

I guess time will tell whether this was a true turning point or just another phase in a bad cycle. I'm proud that I spoke up for what I wanted and didn't compromise. So judge if you will. I can take it.

And now for a total change of pace ...

Miracle product alert: Maybelline Great Lash *Waterproof* Mascara
I've read countless raves over the years about how great Maybelline Great Lash is, but it never really worked for me. I've tried at least a dozen other brands -- high and low end -- but nothing was quite right. They were too clumpy, too heavy, made my lashes look fake, etc. So I decided to give Great Lash another shot, but this time I bought the waterproof formula. And it's perfect! No clumps, no garish fake-lash look, just nice, pretty, long lashes. Hooray!

Out of Focus

2010-08-17T16:26:00.000-04:00

Wow, this is hard. I miss P a lot and it's taking all my energy not to go running back. There's just enough there to make it tough to remember that ultimately, there isn't enough.

When I first tried to break up with P back in March (pre-blog; it lasted a week and was basically about the same thing as this one), he played it cool. I got no sense that he missed me or wished things were different ... nothing. With a complete absence of dignity, I went crawling back anyway. It wasn't my strongest, I-am-woman moment, but I have no regrets. We had a ton of great times after that, and I learned so much more about myself.

Now, he's not playing it so cool. When I asked for my Netflix DVDs back (I always left them at his place so we could watch together), he reluctantly returned them saying, "you know we can still watch movies together." I told him I'd like that at some point, but not just yet. There's no way I could spend time with him right now and have it be purely platonic.

It's so hard to stay focused on what I ultimately want because it's all so abstract. Sure, *someday* *someone* will love me back. But what about *right now*? Someday feels fuzzy and far away. The someone is even more out of focus. It's a leap of faith to believe he exists out there and an even bigger leap to give up what I have right now based on the belief that something better is possible.

Back in the Saddle

2010-08-12T16:56:00.000-04:00

It's official, I'm single again. I broke it off with P on Tuesday night. He was sadder and sweeter about it than I expected. I was sad, but not inconsolable, as I was during our almost-breakup back in June. It sounds silly and a bit crazy, but that Duck Song really helped me finally understand and accept. I love P, and I will (and do) miss him a lot. But he can't love me back, or at least not in the way I need. I'm still very sad, but I get now that while I genuinely do miss him and the good parts of what we had, what I am really grieving is the loss of what I WISH we'd had.

Last night I was sorting through some boxes that I have hauled from attic to attic for years, forcing myself to decide what could get tossed. It was fun to find old keepsakes, many of which I loved, but had forgotten. I put many of them out to display last night and while it probably makes my house look a little cluttered in spots, I love seeing these treasures again. The cool/scary sword I bought in Portugal, all the oil paintings I did before I had kids (which are mediocre at best, but, hey, I made them!), the gorgeous conch shells exH and I brought back from our honeymoon. Among the memories were a bunch of old letters from ex-boyfriends, plus a journal I kept briefly my senior year in college. Wow, were those eye-opening! I cannot believe the hysterics I worked myself into over these guys. Even though I repeated some of those patterns with P (which is hard to admit; I was trying so hard!), I am glad that I've at least been more rational and mature in how I've handled myself and how I came to see the relationship for what it was.

That's all for now. I hope this blog won't become too boring without all the tortured tales of P! I'm going to embrace being single for awhile, but I hope someday there will be new romantic adventures to report.

Got Any Grapes?

2010-08-10T15:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, R sent me a link to The Duck Song, which his kids love. Go ahead, watch it if you have a sec. If you don't have time, or like me, refuse to click on most of the links people recommend, here's a brief recap. A cute, but annoying duck waddles up to a lemonade stand and asks for grapes. The nice man explains that he doesn't sell grapes, only lemonade. The scene is repeated day after day and the nice man becomes increasingly irritated with this obtuse duck who just doesn't get it.

My initial reaction was to be a bit irked with R for making me watch this inane video. My second reaction was to hope that Boo never sees it, as we already play our our own little version of this drama every day when he insists on eating or wearing something that I just don't have at the moment. Over and over.
But after pondering it overnight, I had a revelation. I'm the duck. Stick with me here, you might be a duck too. How many times have I persisted in asking or hoping for something from someone that they simply don't have to give? Take ExH. For years, I asked him for time, attention, involvement in our life together. I asked him to get help for his ADD, anger, and drinking issues. I asked him to be engaged and loving to our children. I asked over and over, for years and years. And nothing ever changed. Because he was simply not capable of giving me those things. Yet I kept asking, growing increasingly angry and unhappy.
Now, this is not to excuse his behavior or in any way suggest that I should have put up and shut up. It's just to help understand my actions in the situation. It seems clear to me now that I was just as irrational in some ways as I thought he was. What I wanted and needed was perfectly reasonable, but what sane person repeatedly asks for grapes at a lemonade stand? It seems to me that a sane person (or duck!) would do one of the following things:

1. Walk away and head to the nearest produce stand.

2. Decide lemonade might be as satisfying as grapes and enjoy a glass.

3. Ask whether the lemonade stand would consider stocking grapes (if not, see #1).

It's like Einstein's famous definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I've been doing this with P, too, and not surprisingly, every time he failed to produce the grapes, I was disappointed. But still I kept going back, day after day, hoping the results would somehow change. No wonder I was making myself crazy!
(Now, if you watched the clip, you might wonder how the ending fits with my analogy. It doesn't really. Sorry to disappoint!)

So Here We Are

2010-08-03T15:22:00.000-04:00

You know that old saying "wherever you go, there you are"? Well, here we are on the other side of what may have been the most challenging, exhausting month of my adult life. We are moved in (mostly, please ignore the 20 or so unpacked boxes scattered about), and more importantly, moved out. The old place is clean and empty and ready for the impending Canadian invasion. I feel a lot of things right now ... relieved, bone-tired, satisfied, alone (in a good way), alone (in a bad way), disoriented, and at home.

Overall, moving went as well as it could, and there were a few surprises along the way.

1. ExH was incredibly helpful, thoughtful, and kind. Whether he was feeling remorse for his behavior or started taking his medication again, I don't know, but he was (and no, I can't believe I'm saying this either) a godsend. He took my car to get fixed when the battery died the day before the move (and waited for it for four hours), packed up the last of the kitchen for me, did all sorts of little last-minute tasks, dealt with the movers, and most importantly, kept me company throughout the entire 12-hour process. Whatever he's done in the past and will undoubtedly do in the future, I'm grateful for those two days.

2. God, I have a lot of stuff. While not exactly headline news, I was completely floored by how many boxes I ended up needing (and now, unpacking).

3. Painting ceilings can cause you to lose sensation in several fingers on your right hand ... which has still not come back after almost a week. Also, painting ceilings should never, ever, ever be attempted at night. Just take my word on that please.

4. I need a wheelbarrow. Now THAT is a phrase this city girl never thought she would say.

5. It is substantially harder to move furniture on carpet than it is on hardwood. See Exhibits A and B, my very bruised legs.

The good news (other than that it's over!) is that the kids' rooms came out so well and they were absolutely thrilled. Boo's room is still waiting on Superman and Batman to join Spidey on the walls, but otherwise they are done. Please note, the yellow is much warmer and softer than it came out in the photo. Oddly, the pink is pretty accurate.

The rest of the house is a work in progress. I'm pleased but not overjoyed with how my living room colors turned out. I played it safe with lighter shades, which while pretty, don't have quite the impact I envisioned. So there may be some repainting in my near future.

You may notice that P is pretty much absent from this post. The weekend before I moved, he was so helpful and we had a fabulous few days together until right before he left on Sunday. We got into the stupidest argument ever (which was I'm guessing, in the tradition of all great stupid arguments, really about something else entirely, though I can't say what) and then I barely saw him last week. Not even a quick email or IM to check in on me during the move, or to ask about weekend plans, nothing.

I think I may be ready, finally, to let P go. It's so hard and sad because there's so much that's great with us. But I feel like I am holding up the entire relationship and my arms are tired. I wish so much that P could be what I need him to be, but it seems increasingly clear (and if I'm honest, it always was) that he's just not willing or able to be that guy. I don't blame him -- he is who he is -- and I am grateful for all that I have learned from him and all he has done and been for me. He's one of the coolest people I've ever met and if this is really it, I will miss him and our long talks about nothing and everything.

Breakdown to Breakthrough

2010-07-20T13:52:00.000-04:00

It feels like weeks or months since I last posted instead of just a few days. Nothing has really changed -- exH is still broke and somewhat crazy, I am still broke and overwhelmed by finances and boxes -- but in some subtle way, *I* have changed. Now, I'll be honest and say that it's also possible that the Lexapro has kicked in. Except that I was on the same dose a year and a half ago and never felt much of a difference. So who knows. But with or without a little chemical boost, sometime in the past few days, I just decided to let go. And here's the trick ... this time, I think I actually did it.

As some of you know, I've talked a good game on this topic before, but secretly (or not so secretly) I always kept clinging to some small bit of control here and there. Control over exH, over my relationship with P, over money. The way I can tell that something has actually changed is that I feel lighter. Literally. I embrace that there are some things that I have no control over and never will. Like how someone feels toward me (good or bad), whether I get a raise, or whether and when exH finds a new job. A few things are under my control -- how I treat others, how I choose to manage the money I do have, how well I perform at work, whether I exercise and get enough sleep -- and that is all I can do. And while I can always do better, I think I am faring pretty well in those areas. I have been kind (mostly) to exH despite his behavior, loving (if a bit impatient) with Lulu and Boo, responsible with money, competent at work, and caring and accepting of P. I am moving forward with the move to the new house, plowing through all the phone calls and emails involved with closing on a mortgage, transferring utilities, registering Lulu at school, etc.

None of this is exactly fun, but it's satisfying in the way that drudgery can sometimes be. Moving is awful, but also cathartic. And once again, I am reminded that I can do just fine on my own. That doesn't mean I like it, or that this is how I want to live the rest of my life, but it's reassuring to know I can do it.

About Blame and Change

2010-07-15T10:46:00.000-04:00

For those of you who've told me you know what I'm going through, I hope this post from Susan Elliott will help you a little. It definitely helped me.

On Blame

Same Song, Second Verse

2010-07-14T20:12:00.000-04:00

I've started to post a couple times this week, but things are still not going well, and somehow putting it in writing felt like it made it even worse. After a few days of truce, exH has started up with the nasty email rants. I wish I had followed my instincts to pack up and move out early, but I didn't and now I've just got to ride out the next 9 days until he leaves for a trip. Once he gets back, there will be just 3 days until we move.

For now, I am barely sleeping or eating. Even when he's out for the night, I still can't sleep without my bedroom door locked, a chair pushed up against it just in case, and a couple of Xanax to calm my anxiety. I am just so fearful that he will drink too much and show up at my door with his hateful, angry rants. I must seem crazy to some people -- P doesn't get it, for sure -- but whether or not my fears are rational, they are definitely real.

As I may have said here before, I've never been much for prayer or faith, but I don't mind telling you that I am praying now. ExH needs something good to happen. I need to sleep. We all need peace.

Wiped Out

2010-07-11T22:11:00.000-04:00

This has been a tough week. It has been scary and overwhelming and emotional and a hard slap of reality. It has also reminded me that I can take care of myself and prompted me to remember that as bad as things feel right now, I've been through worse and made it out ok.

In his despair and anger over the divorce and losing his job, ExH turned on me in such a hateful, frightening (though not physical) way. It is sad to me that after making it through the last year and half, he has chosen to destroy the care and goodwill I had for him. Not to mention his refusal to pay child support even though he will get paid for two more months. But that's only money. The things he said were the real problem. He's calmed down a little now but I can't imagine that anything will be the same again.

It has really been a bad week. But it's just that -- a week, or at worst the three weeks until we can move. The money stuff will somehow work out. I can't spend my life bouncing from crisis to crisis ... just getting through the days. I want more for myself than that. So no more of this constant obsessing about money, or P, or exH. When it comes to money, all I can do is to work hard, be responsible and frugal, and prepare as best I can. No amount of hours spent staring at the ceiling worrying is going to magically double my bank account. P ... well, he is who he is and I have to accept that he probably won't change. He's been there for me as much as he can be, we've had some great times together, and I hope that will continue for awhile. If I need more at some point, well, I may have to move on. For exH, all I can do is be a good mother, try to be compassionate, and do what I need to do to protect myself and my kids from his troubles.

Here's to a better week ahead.

Breaking Point

2010-07-07T21:36:00.000-04:00

Remember that post the other day about exH losing it? Wait, was that only yesterday? It seems like a long time ago. Before exH got even crazier, before I decided to pack up and move out two weeks early (and later decided not to), before he lost his only client and effectively became unemployed. Before I was facing an indefinite period of time without child support. Give me back the craziness of yesterday because today might hit the list of top 10 worst days ever.

But I have always been good in a crisis. That's what'll be chiseled on my gravestone, I'm sure, because that is what everyone always says about me. I suppose it's true. The day-to-day nonsense seems to easily overwhelm me, but today I haven't shed a single tear. I've calmly made phone calls, gathered information, and weighed my options. I've been decisive and determined. So, yeah, I can handle a crisis. But here's the secret: This is when I feel most alone. Because even at my best, my most capable and confident, there is only me.

Even though I feel alone, and even though there is not much they can really do, I am grateful for my mom, sister, R, and P right now. My mom, who will literally do anything for me. Who would gladly give me the money to make this all go away if I asked, but from whom I cannot ask another dollar. My mom, who knows what emotional abuse is and how deeply its invisible scars run, who loves me and my children more than her own life, who even loves exH if only because he is her grandchildren's father. My sister, who barely knows me, but loves me just the same. Who is coming to spend a week here just to help me paint the new place and play with my children while I settle in. My sister, who is seven years younger and who I have ignored for most of the past 20 years (benignly not hatefully, but still), but who still asked me to be her maid of honor. And did I mention helping me paint? R, who listens and listens and listens and chases after me when I have to leave the building in order to preserve my pristine record of not crying at work. And finally P, who gives me a place to go when I can't be home, who doesn't really want to have to take care of anyone other than himself but who is in his own small way taking care of me anyway.

Ties That Bind

2010-07-06T16:41:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to wonder what the point is of getting a divorce when you have children. Because here's the thing, unless your ex moves across the country or is a deadbeat who never wants to see his kids, you're never really free. Sure, you can live in separate places (and we will in 23 days, thank god), and you can get married again (the horror!), but as long as you are co-parenting and reliant on child support, the ex is always going to be there. For better or worse.

Today is one of the "for worse" days. ExH is panicked about losing his main client (and pretty much his sole source of income), scared (I think) about us moving out (and on) and so he is lashing out at me. Again. This is a huge part of why we are divorced, and somehow I hoped once we weren't married anymore, it would stop. But no, it's just the legal ties that have been cut. The emotional link is still there and his tirades still frighten me almost as much. He has much less power over me than he used to for sure, but as long as I need child support from him, he's got power all the same. All I can do is hope he pulls himself together ... and plan for the worst in the meantime.

Even though I have my mom and friends who care about me like R and A and P, during days like this, I can't help but feel very alone. There is only so much any of them can do to help me. Ultimately, it's on me to make sure Lulu and Boo and I are safe and secure ... physically, emotionally, and financially. When exH is sane, he is a good father, and I know I am lucky for that. But I can't count on him, or anyone else, really. It's all on me, and what happens if I fail?

Miss Independent

2010-07-04T20:32:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, P took me to a party with some of his college friends. I was surprised when he asked, and guessed that this wasn't something he usually did. And sure enough, as we were leaving to head to his friend's place, he mentioned that he never brings girls to parties. So I was nervous -- especially because there is just about nothing scarier for me than a party where I don't know anyone -- but everything went very well. I liked his friends and felt comfortable enough that I could hold my own when he wasn't around. He didn't abandon me or anything; I'm just glad he didn't feel like he had to be by my side all night. I saw a glimpse of the confident, cool, independent girlfriend I want to be with him.

I can't shake the feeling I've had the past few weeks that this is a real make-it-or-break-it time for me and P. I feel like he's weighing whether or not he can be the relationship type, and if he can, am I the right girl? Honestly, I don't know if I am or not, but I think I want to be. This afternoon when I left, I could tell he was getting restless with me there. I teased him that the most he could stand me was 24 hours, but there's some truth to that. I know it's not me -- I wasn't demanding attention or entertainment -- it's just that he needs time alone. I get that, and for once I didn't take it personally. I wasn't happy to leave him, but I felt good about recognizing his boundaries and being able to let him have the space he needs without it being a reflection on anything else. Yet another glimpse of that independent girl that just maybe I can be.

Paint It Black?

2010-06-30T19:27:00.000-04:00

If you are reading this, you are in a very elite group. Well, a very small group at least! I have a few dozen regular readers -- some as far away as Russia and the United Arab Emirates -- most of whom are online friends. But there are a few of you I don't know. Maybe you found me through another blog or through Blogger, but most of you find me through a Google search ... for paint. Yes, paint. Apparently, the few posts about paint colors sprinkled among my self-indulgent ramblings about P are attracting a small audience. Who knew?

So just for fun, here's a post for my painting peeps. Just ignore all relationship angst and enjoy some pics of various paint colors I've used and loved over the years.

Benjamin Moore St. Martin Sand ... warm taupe that looks gorgeous with black and white accents.

Benjamin Moore Hasbrouck Brown (behind the shelves) ... perfect chocolate brown shade, not too warm, not too dark.

Benjamin Moore Bird's Egg ... so pretty and calming without being washed out. I'm using the color above it on the paint strip (Crystal Blue) for the ceilings in my new house.

Benjamin Moore August Morning ... a beautiful apricot color, but only use it in a sunny room! (Ask me how I know this.) This is probably my favorite room ever. It was the living room in my 90-year-old house in Birmingham. Love the color, the old floors, the woodwork, the stone fireplace.

Restoration Hardware Sea Green ... not green at all, but a lovely aqua. This is my bedroom in my current house.

Benjamin Moore Pale Sea Mist (above and at left) ... used in three houses now, and I've never gotten tired of it. A lovely light green.

Restoration Hardware Shore ... nice blue, not too "baby boy". It's not really my favorite, but exH picked it when this room was his office. It is lovely with the slate blue couch he has in there now.

Restoration Hardware Rose ... beautiful medium pink color; a perfect match to the Shabby Chic line at Target. This used to be Lulu's room before she decided to move in with Boo. I still love how it came out. You can't tell, but the slanted ceilings are painted RH Peony, a much paler version of Rose.

Benjamin Moore Jamaican Aqua ... love this color! It might be a little much for a large room, but I just adore it for a smaller bedroom or bathroom. So beachy and pretty.

Benjamin Moore White Sand... not my favorite choice, but we repainted with selling the house in mind, and it works fine for that. It's a warm off-white.

The Art of Doing Nothing

2010-06-29T16:17:00.000-04:00

I'm working very hard right now at doing nothing. It's not easy. In fact, it's downright painful. Have you ever tried to do nothing? To just sit still and ... be still? To not say or do anything? It's one of the hardest things I've done. I'm a type-A, first-born, overachiever. I'm always doing *something.*

Why all this effort for nothing? I know that right now, I need to let P go a little. Not completely, not forever, but I need a little distance ... I need to get some perspective if we're going to continue and even more so if we're not. And I think P could benefit from some space too. So I'm stepping back, leaving P alone, not making plans with him ... basically doing nothing. I have probably walked past his desk a dozen times today and not stopped. I've pulled up his name on IM and not typed. I've started to ask about going out tonight and caught myself just in time. I'm exhausted from all of this non-action.

Along with the art of doing nothing, I'm also trying to be ok with being alone, something I used to love and crave. Right now, I find being alone very uncomfortable. I think it gives me too much time to think, too much time to give in and do something to alleviate the discomfort of being alone. It's puzzling because I was alone 90% of my non-kid time from the day exH moved out (and honestly, a lot before that too) to the day P and I got together. I didn't mind at all. Before I met exH, I was alone a lot, mostly by choice, and that was fine too. So why is it so hard now?

And Here We Go Again

2010-06-28T10:48:00.000-04:00

Here's a piece of advice for you: never, never, never say you're happy. OK, well that may be a bit extreme, but at least if you're me, it bears remembering. Because the moment I look around and say, hey, things are good right now, I actually feel happy ...? They fall apart.

So last weekend was awesome. And Wednesday night, also awesome. P took me out to my favorite restaurant to celebrate my divorce and we had so much fun during and after dinner. Thursday and Friday I was literally beaming I was so happy. I couldn't wait to see P again on Saturday night, sleep over, and spend a lazy Sunday morning with him. Then came Saturday morning and a text from P, asking if we could skip our date that night. He had overindulged the night before, hadn't gotten any sleep, and was exhausted. I wasn't mad, but I was incredibly bummed. Not only was I not going to get to see him, but I was going to have to hang out at home instead of getting a much-needed break from exH and the kids. And all because he acted like an idiot Friday night. I tried to play it cool, but P knew I was upset. He apologized and we agreed to hang out on Sunday. I was still pretty unhappy that night, but I resolved to get past it and have a good day.

But the minute I got to his place on Sunday, something was off. I felt a little uncomfortable and I was quieter than usual. P asked if I was still mad, I said no, but he kept insisting I was. I offered to leave because it was just so awkward. We ended up arguing about the day before -- he thought I overreacted, I explained why I had been upset (sad not to see him, bummed about having to stay home and I was clear with him that the latter was not his problem, just a result of my awkward living situation). We eventually got through it and hung out the rest of the day, but it just didn't feel right. I don't want to try to get into P's head or anything, but I feel like we're both struggling. He seems to be struggling with what it means to be in a relationship again -- how does he maintain his freedom and independence while also being with me. I am struggling not to rush things, to take my time (lots of time!) to find out if this is a person I want to share a life with. The good news is that we are both trying to work it out instead of giving up.

So. We are back to the NWO. I am going to (continue to) give P space and focus (still, more) on building up my life outside of him. Saturday wouldn't have been so tough if I had other friends to go out with. Whether or not things ultimately work out with P, I can't be so reliant on him for my social life. Still, making friends at 35 is tough, and it's even tougher when you're divorced -- any suggestions?

5 Things I Wish I'd Known Before

2010-06-23T17:35:00.000-04:00

I wanted to share a post I just read on another site titled "20 Things I Wish I'd Known When I Was 20." The author strikes me as a wise woman. Hell, I wish I knew all of these things at 35! I wasted so much time and energy on people and pursuits that just didn't get me anywhere or make my life any better. Of course, I learned a lot, too, but I wish I hadn't made myself so miserable in the process.
Here are a few things I wish I'd learned earlier (and still sometimes have to remind myself) ...

1. Talk less, listen more. You learn a lot more about people when, surprise!, you shut up and listen to what they are saying. One piece of relationship advice I've taken to heart is "when someone tells you who they are, believe them." I could have saved myself a lot of pain by figuring that one out sooner, but it's hard to really listen when you're too busy weaving a fantasy version of your future together. Plus, I talk a lot when I'm nervous or upset and really, it never helps.
2a. You can't make someone love you. Obvious, right? One would think. But I didn't get that until recently and I spent a lot of time crying over boys I loved (or thought I loved) who either didn't love me back or stopped loving me. Sometimes it was caused by something I had done, sometimes they just loved someone else more, but sometimes it wasn't any of that, they just ... didn't.

2b. You don't want someone who doesn't want you. Period. Don't waste your time because ... you can't make someone love you.

3. The hardest choice is not necessarily the right one. I cannot tell you how many times I have chosen the more difficult of two paths for no other reason than that somehow I believed that the hard choice was the better one. I picked an expensive college (where I ended up with lots of debt) over perfectly lovely schools that wanted to give me a scholarship, chose (more than once) the hard-to-get guy over the very nice one who treated me well ... sometimes the path of least resistance is worth considering too.

4. Don't buy things you can't afford. I still struggle with this, even after some seriously scary bouts with debt. It's MUCH better now, but from clothes to cars to houses, I still struggle with living within my means.

5. No one and no thing can make you happy. Sure, there are people who make your life better or worse, and things can make your life easier or harder, but nothing and no one can make you happy. It's such a tough lesson to learn, one that I just may be finally starting to get. For sure, it makes it easier to follow #s 2 and 4 when you know deep down that you are the only one who is responsible for your happiness.

I'm sure there are many, many more, but those are just a few I want to remember.

NWO Update ...

So a little more than a week into this, I am pleased with how I've been managing my feelings. The jealousy and unease over WW is still there, but it's not as painful as it was, even as she wears short skirts and tight tops to work every day. I just try to remember point #2a above ... despite their closeness, P is choosing to be with me right now, but I can't do anything to make him keep choosing me. Someday he might choose her instead, or someone else in the office, or someone he meets out at a bar. For now, he's chosen me and I can't worry about what might happen in the future. I just have to hope that if at some point he wants to be with her or someone else, he'll man up and tell me as he's promised he will. And if that happens, please remind me of point #2b.

It does help to remember that P and I are not forever. We are about having fun right now, for as long as it lasts, and that's perfectly fine. It's hard to keep my emotions in check, especially when we have a nice evening or weekend together, but it's important to remind myself that while P is a great guy, we've likely maxed out on what he can give. For now, it's enough.

Tonight he's promised me dinner to celebrate my divorce. I can't wait!

D-Day

2010-06-21T20:26:00.000-04:00

One year, four months, and fourteen days after exH stormed out on a random, ordinary Saturday night after a random, ordinary argument, which was so odd and out of the blue that I panicked and checked his email where I found dozens of notes revealing an affair with a colleague, we're finally divorced. I expected to feel sad or relieved or exhausted or nostalgic or ... well, SOMETHING. But I really felt nothing. I gave about 5 minute of testimony in front of the judge and it was done and I went on with my day. I wonder if it will hit me later, or ever.

The strangest thing about all of this is how different my life is now than it was on February 7, 2009. You know from reading here that it's tough sometimes. I get lonely and sad and borderline crazy at times (ok, many times). But I felt all those things while I was with exH, too. Only I was scared, too, and even more lonely because there is nothing lonelier than feeling alone with someone else in the same room. The difference is that now, sometimes, I also have FUN. I have a standing Saturday night date. I enjoy things like drinking and sex that had become minefields with exH. I lost 10 pounds, started exercising, and look great in a bikini. I am not always or even often happy, but I am far happier with who I am and how I am living my life than I have been in probably a decade.

So here's to day 1 of my life as a single girl!

And Now a Word From Dr. Phil ...

2010-06-20T21:19:00.000-04:00

Back before Dr. Phil turned into Jerry Springer, way back when he was just a guest on Oprah, he actually had some great relationship advice. My favorite: Would you rather be right or be happy? Not, you know, that I live it, but it's totally true. Another little gem: Act as if. And finally, this pearl (and I paraphrase): The only way to change someone else is to change yourself.

That last one may not be original, but it's incredibly powerful. We all know you can't change another person, right? But what you can change is the dynamic between you. If you change your behavior, 9 times out of 10, the other person will change how they react to you. I wish I had fully understood that principle, oh, say 20 years ago. Have you ever seen it in action? It's truly amazing. It works with lovers, friends, kids, coworkers ... people are powerless NOT to change their behavior toward you once you've changed how you treat them.

Which brings us to my weekend with P. After getting past the initial post-fight-are-we-OK? jitters Thursday, I was looking forward to my Saturday night date with P. He'd spend the day at work and was happy to kick back and relax too. I was determined that no matter what happened, we would not fight or argue ... I would not so much as look at him funny. I needed to see that we could just have fun. And we had a blast. We walked over to our new favorite hangout, a burger joint around the corner from his place, had dinner and a few beers and then went home and watched Couples Retreat. (Pretty funny movie if you're a fan of Vince Vaughn and company.) This morning we woke up, did some work for our big launch this week, ran some errands, and got some lunch. Nothing too exciting, but it was easy and laid-back and ... FUN. It reminded me of all the ways P and I are good together.

Walking back from lunch, I was thinking how easy the weekend had been. I hadn't had to suppress any worries or frustrations. I wasn't once tempted to bring up a problem. P must have gotten suspicious because when I went to kiss him goodbye he grabbed me and said, smiling, "we didn't fight at all this weekend ... were you on your best behavior?" I smiled back and said I'd had a great time and that I simply didn't want to fight with him anymore. He looked puzzled, as if he wasn't quite sure what that meant. "Wait," he said as I headed out, "when are we hanging out again? Tuesday? Wednesday?"

I about fainted right there. Now, many of you will not appreciate the magnitude of P -- commitment-phobe in all matters, including committing to plans more than a day ahead, and who has maybe twice in nearly six months initiated plans with me -- actually asking me to go out, and on a specific night no less! I'm sure I looked as shocked as I felt, and I can't even remember what he said next. But I promised to consult exH's schedule and get back to him with a day that we can go out to celebrate my divorce being finally final (tomorrow is the big day!).

And all of this came after P suggested I leave a bathing suit at his place so we could hang out at his pool over the summer. I teased him, saying I thought that leaving actual clothing at his place might cause him panic attacks, but that I would settle for keeping a toothbrush there. He laughed and said I could leave anything I wanted.

None of this may seem like a big deal, and I promise you I am trying hard not to read too much into it, merely remarking on what has to be the biggest change in behavior that I have noticed in P since he first asked me out. Back then, I was startled to find that he wasn't at all like the work nemesis I had seen him as for years. And now? I don't know what to think. My beloved (but frustratingly passive and confrontation-averse) P, voluntarily bringing up last weekend's drama? Inviting me to leave clothes and makeup at his place? Chasing after me to make plans days in advance? Who IS this guy? Hard to imagine that it's all because I decided to chill out for a few days. But ... maybe?

Thanks, Dr. Phil!

Oh the Drama!

2010-06-18T19:48:00.000-04:00

I just spent an hour or so reading through Natalie's fabulous 30 Days of Drama Reduction Series on her also fabulous blog, Baggage Reclaim. While not all of the 30 posts spoke to me, many felt like reading my own diary. Deep down, I know I have always been a bit (a lot!) of a drama queen in relationships, and seeing my own history and patterns laid bare, well, it was both horrifying and comforting. Because clearly I am not the only one.

I was also comforted to see that much of the advice offered was right in line with the New World Order -- take a step back, identify drama triggers, and develop coping mechanisms for averting them. So perhaps I am on the right path.

Today went well. I was feeling less anxious about P after our nice evening last night. We have plans to go out tomorrow, and I am hoping for a low-key, relaxing night. He's out at a work-sponsored pub crawl tonight, something that might have worried me at one point (like, you know, last week), but I find myself merely hoping he has fun and looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. Drama-free.

NWO, Day 4

2010-06-17T23:21:00.000-04:00

Another busy day, but that didn't calm my thoughts much. There is so much swirling around in my head -- craziness at work, the divorce hearing on Monday, exH's lack of stability, the situation with P -- that my anxiety levels are sky-high. P is stressed out too, so I was hesitant about having dinner with him this evening. I haven't felt so nervous around him since our first few dates! But after a few moments of uncertainty, we fell into our routine -- I cooked, he cleaned, we bitched about work, and caught up on all our non-work stuff. And by the time I left, things felt, if not amazing, then at least OK. So we'll see. I don't want to jump back in until I'm sure that's the right thing for both of us.

No swimming tonight -- I was so anxious throughout the day that I actually had a stomachache -- and I did break the no-weeknights rule with P, but I'm glad I did.

Thoughts on Perspective (and NWO update, day 3)

2010-06-16T19:01:00.000-04:00

At work, I occasionally teach a class on public speaking. Not because I am great at it, but because it used to terrify me. With some encouragement and a class that offered some tips, I got over my fear and now regularly present in front of 200+ people. I don't love it, but I no longer dread it, either, and I enjoy helping other coworkers get past their public speaking anxiety. During class this week, one person said that the best advice I gave was to have perspective -- get out of your head and remember that no one cares as much about you as you care about you.

I wish I lived that advice as well as I taught it. It would have saved me a lot of unhappiness in my life. I've always cared far too much what other people think about me, and in the worst examples, actually changed the way I thought about myself based on what others thought (or worse still, what I thought they thought). As a result, I've spent a lot of my life feeling insecure, uneasy, and unworthy (of what I couldn't even say).

If that's not the definition of crazy, I don't know what is. At least I am finally able to see it for what it is and take (baby) steps to change it.

Having perspective on life overall is also crucial. I know I get sucked into the various dramas and challenges of my daily life to the point where I forget just how relatively benign they really are. Yes, divorce is tough, but I am lucky to have a very amicable relationship with exH and the process, while not painless for sure, has been manageable. I attended a court-required parenting course last weekend and my situation was easily the least unpleasant. There were women whose husbands were in jail or were abusive or on drugs, women who were flat-out terrified to let their children near their dads, and women who hadn't heard from the dads in years. There were two men whose wives/girlfriends had just vanished -- in one case with the child, in one case without. These people were dealing with issues I couldn't imagine in my worst nightmares.

Right after that class, I came home to read a post from an online friend about the sudden and horrible death of a friend of hers, a mother to young girls, at a baseball game of all places. I was again reminded of how fortunate I am, and how little time might be left for any of us. Do I really want to spend it feeling sorry for myself and worrying about what other people think?

Then today, I wrote an anniversary card to a couple whose wedding I attended 10 years ago tomorrow. We have slowly grown apart over the years, but I reconnected with them last fall when the wife was diagnosed with leukemia. They have two children, a 3-year-old boy and a 1-year-old girl, and while I hurt for them and everything they are going through, it has also been a joy to read their weekly email updates and to see the humor and grace with which they are handling this very difficult time. (Happily, Liz just completed a bone marrow transplant and her prognosis is very good.)

So, yes, perspective. This is perhaps the most challenging time in my life thus far, but I have family and friends to support me, a good job to provide for our financial needs, and we are all healthy. That's not something you can take for granted.

NWO, Day 3

Sigh. Today wasn't as easy. I ran into P with WW a couple of times and was struck with the same old pang of jealousy. I wonder if despite the many ways P and I fit well together, this is just the one spot where we will always rub against each other. I have a pair of shoes like that -- they fit great except for this one small point on my right big toe that always blisters. I knew today -- a relatively meeting-free expanse of free time -- might post a challenge, so I had a plan. I ran errands for a couple hours during the day, and that helped clear my head. Later in the day P and I had a meeting together and got to catch up for a few minutes before everyone else arrived, so that was nice. Before all the drama I had offered to make him dinner this week, so we talked about doing that tomorrow or over the weekend. I was surprised to realize that while of course I want to see him, I'm also nervous.

I came home in a pretty good mood, only to have exH ask to borrow money and get angry when I said I didn't have it to lend. He yelled about all the money (child support) he "gives" me. It's not like that's just extra for me to stash in my savings account! It's frustrating -- I see (numerous) receipts for $100-$200 dinners with his new girlfriend and he's always taking the kids out to nice restaurants. I pointed out to him that if he didn't spend so much money, he wouldn't need to borrow from me. That of course made him angrier, but you know what? I don't go out for nice dinners. I can't afford to take the kids out very often, it might be once a month.

Sigh. Perspective.

NWO, Day 2

2010-06-15T21:58:00.000-04:00

Just a quick update tonight ... another jam-packed day meant little time to be tempted to talk to P. I saw him around the office and in a meeting, so that was nice, but I was easily able to keep my "give him space" pledge. I swam for an hour after work, so the "time for me" part of the plan is also right on target!

New World Order, Day 1: Success!

2010-06-14T20:22:00.002-04:00

Today was an easy day, a gimme, really. I got to work about an hour later than usual, went for coffee with R, which ate up another hour as I poured out the whole shameful weekend saga, then was in meetings for two more hours before leaving early for the day to take Lulu and Boo to their ice skating lesson. So not too much time in there to fret about P. He did stop by to say hello as I was heading off to a meeting -- the perfect brief, but happy encounter to set the tone for the week.

Mondays are my night with Lulu and Boo, so no swimming, but I'm planning to go tomorrow and Thursday, plus once over the weekend. So all in all, it was an excellent first day in the NWO. Tomorrow brings another flurry of meetings so I am hopeful of another day of smooth sailing.

And the winners are ...

I know you are all dying to know which paint colors I chose for the new house. OK, so you've forgotten all about that in all the P-related insanity, but not me! When it comes to obsessing, I am the queen of all multi-taskers!

Living room: Benjamin Moore Lido Green (a soft robin's egg blue) walls with a Crystal Blue ceiling. Here are some photos to give you an idea. (Lido Green is the first one.)

My bedroom: White walls (gasp! for the first time ever!) with C2 Bella Donna (smoky lavender gray) on the ceiling.

Lulu and Boo's rooms haven't changed -- Benjamin Moore Cat's Meow for her and Golden Honey for Boo. Both will have Crystal Blue on the ceiling. Restoration Hardware Cappuccino for my bathroom, and Benjamin Moore Super White semigloss on the trim throughout the house.

All that's left undecided is their bathroom and the kitchen. For their bath, I am thinking of mixing together the 7 or 8 pint samples of various aquas I tested. I can't bear to toss all that lovely paint and I bet the mixed-up color would be gorgeous! The kitchen is going to wait until my sister comes out to visit. She offered to help me paint the cabinets, so the walls will wait until I can coordinate the cabinet and wall colors with the existing granite countertops (which are a nice sandy color, which will fit my beach theme nicely).

I can't wait to see everything put together!

Startling Realization and a P.S.

2010-06-13T21:18:00.000-04:00

Here's the problem with blogging. It's a permanent record. And after P said yesterday that he feels like we're always in crisis mode lately, I decided to man up and check the transcript, as it were. I read every blog post about P and he's right. I have blogged nearly every week about some problem I have with him ... he's not into me ... he doesn't IM me during the week ... we're lacking a deeper connection ... angst about WW ... more angst about WW ... etc.

Wow. That's pretty brutal when you look at it from P's perspective -- regardless of whether my concerns were justified (I think a few were legit, most were overblown) -- that's a lot of "we need to talk" moments for one fledgling relationship.

So here's the postscript ... I'm going to try to post once a day for the next few weeks, even if it's just a line or two, to track the progress of my New World Order pledge. Am I managing my relationship anxieties? Following through on giving P (and me) some breathing room? Getting enough sleep? Swimming 3 times a week? Making time for other friends?

And just to be clear ... I am doing these things for ME, not to make P happy. I do suspect that if I can keep myself balanced, P and I just might be OK (and I'm certain that if I can't, we won't), but no matter what happens with him, I need to make sure I am keeping myself sane.

The New World Order Starts Now

2010-06-13T15:25:00.000-04:00

P and I had a tough night last night. We talked (a lot), argued (a bit), decided to break it off (twice), I left and came back (once), cried (way too much), and somewhere in there had a wonderful evening listening to music and laughing together despite everything. P even played his old band's CD for me for the first time despite many previous requests.

Ultimately, after lots of tears and back and forth, P said he didn't want to end it, he just wanted to change the dynamics and reduce the drama. I think it might be too late, but because I've never been one to walk away when there's still a glimmer of possibility, I decided to give it one more shot, understanding much more clearly where my boundaries (and his) are right now. Like, neither of us want a relationship that has more drama than fun; we both have a lot of stress and pressure in our lives and if we are going to continue dating, it needs to be a positive force in both our lives. Like, he promises to always be honest with me about how he feels (about me and about other women in his life), but he doesn't agree to be interrogated endlessly about them, Like, I may not be entirely comfortable with or fully understand those unusually close female friends, but as long as they are just friends and not affecting our relationship, then it's not fair for me to ask him to give them up.

Sounds great, right? I've been here before -- profound epiphany! followed by a return right back to the same old hamster wheel. So what am I going to change to give this a shot at success?

1. Dial back the intensity. Stop seeing P during the week (at least as a rule, I'm sure there will be the occasional weeknight happy hour or dinner, but not every week). He's used to a little more time to himself than he's been getting and while he says he's happy to see me anytime, I now see that it can get to be too much, especially when work is particularly busy. And I need to get refocused on making time for myself -- to swim, see friends, go to a movie, whatever. Part of my balance issues lately definitely revolve around too much time away from home and too many late nights. So I'm going to work on correcting that so I can be at my best for my kids, at my job, and when I see P.

2. Get real about the relationship. I'm hoping that getting more exercise and more sleep will also help me regain some much-needed perspective on what P is and what he can be to me. P is not my forever guy. Repeat: P is not my forever guy. I've said it before, but now I need to work on believing it. P does not want to get married. P likes kids, but does not want to be a father or stepfather. And while I am prepared to accept P's complicated friendships while we're dating, they do add just enough unease to my feelings for him that it will probably keep me from getting as close to him as I could otherwise. But on the other hand, P and I do genuinely care for each other and we have a lot of fun together. And I am in no way ready for my forever guy. P knows all of this and understands. He has seen me at my worst and still wants me. Ultimately, I think maybe I will become another one of his unusually close female friends, and you know what, that might be kind of nice.

3. Rinse, repeat, and refocus. The only way this works is if I actually follow through. AND if I find something else to focus my obsessiveness on. My psyche right now is like a particularly dangerous neighborhood, complete with abandoned buildings, busted-out cars, and random gunfire -- you don't want to go there at all, and especially not at night. So I've got to give my brain something else to do ... blog, read, work, memorize poetry ... anything other than THINK. I particularly need something to do at work when seedy thoughts start to lurk around on the street corners looking for a fight. Any suggestions?

2010-06-11T17:32:00.000-04:00

Oh readers, when will I learn? Drinking + serious conversations with P = a mess. Last night, I went out for drinks with P and another coworker, B. We had a great time, but P and I both drank too much. I had decided to hold off on talking to him about the WW situation for another time, but of course once we got back to his place, I blurted out the whole thing, sobbing. P tried to comfort me and said all the right things in terms of how he feels about her and how he feels about me -- and I believed him -- but I don't know if it's enough. He's not going to stop spending all that time with her (and yes, she did go with him to get his hair cut) and even though I believe that there is nothing romantic going on, it's not going to hurt any less to know he's doing all those things with her and not me.

R asked an interesting question -- would I be as upset if WW were a guy? -- and I have to admit that it wouldn't bother me as much. And if we didn't work together, I might never even know she existed. They don't hang out or even talk on nights and weekends, so it would probably not even be a factor if I didn't see him during the day.

I still don't know what I am going to do. I left last night in tears amid kisses and apologies from P, who seemed genuinely shocked and sorry that the haircut thing had hurt me so much. I told him when I left that I would try to deal with it and we made tentative plans for the weekend. But I don't know if I can.

One the one hand, I do believe him that the relationship is platonic. He obviously has the right to have friends other than me, and they have a 7-year history of getting lunch together and going to the gym and, apparently, getting haircuts together. I believe him when he says he is not choosing her over me, but just doing what they've always done. He certainly spends plenty of time with me, too. I believe him when he says there is room for both of us in his life.

On the other hand, it hurts to see them together and it hurts that he is doing things with her that I think he should be doing with me and I don't know how to not hurt over it. I know that if I can't find a way to change my feelings about the situation that it will take over our relationship. I don't want to keep having the same conversation over and over again.

He did say last night that we needed to talk once we were sober, but I don't know what else to ask to help me understand and accept. He has said repeatedly that there is no sexual or romantic aspect to their relationship. He said that if she were to leave her husband tomorrow, he would not be interested that kind of relationship with her. He said he loves me and that I am not his second choice. He is sorry he hurt me. He doesn't want me to leave. What else should I ask?

Second Prize

2010-06-09T12:37:00.000-04:00

Yesterday brought another (perhaps minor) incident with P and WW yesterday -- he was going for a haircut, I strongly suspect (but don't know for sure) that she went with him. It bothered me a lot. I mean, isn't that a little weird? A little ... personal? But then I stopped to think about it, and R and I sometimes run errands together. In fact, just recently I asked him if he wanted to come with me on a quick trip downtown. I don't think anything of that, so how is this different? I want to ask him about it, but haven't because, I finally realized that ultimately, the haircut trip isn't what matters. Neither do the coffee runs or daily lunches. That's their routine and has been for years. I knew going in that nothing was going to change about that.

But after a few tears and lots of 5 am pondering, I realized what DOES matter: WW is P's "person". The person he shares things with and confides in. He shares with and confides in me, too, but I'm not his first stop. Whether or not their relationship is or ever has been romantic or physical, it's undeniably emotional. No matter how much he cares about me, I come second. When she's not around during the week, he is constantly asking me to coffee and lunch; the minute she's back, I cease to exist. And ultimately, that's not what I want. I want to be P's person and if that position is already filled, well, then I want open myself up to be that person for someone else someday.

So what to do? Right now -- today -- nothing. I need to sit with this for awhile until I am sure. Sure that this is not about feeding some crazy drama cycle, trying to get P to fight for me, to prove that I really do matter. Because I know he won't fight. He'll just calmly listen and then let me go. It can't be about getting something from him. It has to be about making the right decision for me, for good.

47 ... 14 ... 3

2010-06-06T19:21:00.000-04:00

I'm still struggling this week. With balance, with identity, with what I want ... it has been 16 months to the day since exH moved out, and some days it seems like I have come so far only to feel on other days that I am even more adrift than I was back then. Thankfully, the day-to-day feelings of hopelessness and sadness that came from living in a failed marriage are gone, along with the constant fear of exH's temper.

But in their place are a different sort of hopelessness and fear. Fear that I will fail Lulu and Boo -- and myself -- in some way, whether it be emotionally, financially, or professionally. Fear that I have already or will warp their ideas about relationships, either through the divorce or by bringing the wrong people into their lives ... or perhaps worse, by not modeling a healthy relationship at all. Hopelessness that where I am right now -- house poor, relationship-challenged, professionally unsatisfied -- is where I will always be.

Of course, I know things will change. The girl I was at 25 is incredibly different from whom I am at 35, so 45-year-old me still has a fighting chance. I think about P, who tells me he was broke, unemployed, and nearing the end of a 10-year relationship when he was 35. Today at 45, he is near the top of the company we work for and has enough money saved not to have to worry about the future. And he has me -- whether or not that's ultimately a good thing for him, I don't know -- but he can't say he isn't loved and wanted.

Here are a few changes I am looking forward to (and counting down to) ...

In 47 days ...
I close on the new house. And about a week later, I'll finally have a place of my own again.

In 14 days ...
The divorce will be final.

In 3 years ...
I will find a real job. This is a new deadline I am setting for myself. In three years, I want to have a new job, in a career I am excited about, at a company where I want to stay. I am fortunate to have a job now that pays me decently, if not enough, allows me a very liberal schedule, and where I have been long enough that barring something extreme, I am very unlikely to be fired or laid off. If the recent crisis didn't do it, then I am probably OK. But it doesn't fulfill me in any meaningful way, and it isn't where I want to spend the next 25 years. Why wait three years and not start looking today? I figure I need about three years to settle into the new house, get my feet back under me financially, and most important, get Boo settled into school. And it may take three years to figure out exactly what it is I want to do. So June 2013, I've got you circled in red.

Your weekly musings on P
As per usual (a P saying), I am still confused about P. Where we are or aren't going, whether it is good or bad that he is my escape, what I am discovering about who I am in a relationship. We had a pretty nice week, spending some or all of 5 out of 7 days together. Sometimes I can relax and enjoy the time with him without worrying about the future, while other days the lack of a future gnaws away at me. I don't know for sure how he feels and I doubt he does, either. I do know (if I don't always remember) that whatever happens, I will come out of this much better than I went in. Either it lasts and we're happy or it doesn't, and though I will be sad then, I have learned so much about myself through this. I have seen so clearly many of the destructive patterns I played out in previous relationships and I've gotten the chance to practice correcting them. Most important, I've learned how to love someone without letting them take over my life. And I will always be thankful to him for all of this.

The Color of Happiness

2010-05-31T20:50:00.001-04:00

I'm happy ... I think. I mean, I'm getting everything I want. ... right? New house, good job, great kids, great guy ... I'm happy about all of these things. So why is it so hard to actually BE happy? To not complain, analyze, and obsess over everything that isn't going right and just appreciate and embrace what is? Instead, I find myself struggling with this new life, to find the right balance between mom, co-parent, employee, and girlfriend. It often feels that I'm letting someone down no matter what I do ... Lulu and Boo cry when I go out with P; exH is frustrated that I can't take more time off from work when Lulu and Boo are home sick or school is closed; when I take time off work, my chances at promotions and raises suffer. I haven't seen any of my friends in weeks. P goes with the flow, thankfully, and seems content with the time I can be with him.

Last night, I decided I wanted to sleep at P's. It's not something I do often, and I've never done it when Lulu and Boo are home. But I desperately wanted a break from being always on (even on exH's nights, I'm still the one who gets up when Boo cries and the one who gets woken up at 7 sharp by both kids), and selfishly, I wanted to spend the night with my boyfriend. It wasn't worth it. Lulu was so upset that she cried most of the evening, leaving two sobbing messages on my voice mail. Talk about buzz kill! I felt so guilty that I spent half an hour crying on P's balcony. P isn't great when I am upset, but he tried. Still, the night was kind of ruined and today wasn't much better, though we got through it ok. I'm glad P and I can work through these things, but I wish we didn't have to. And I can't help but worry that at some point, he won't want to anymore.

One thing that has made me happy lately is pondering paint colors for the new house. I take paint colors very seriously, much to P's chagrin (though I did give him a gorgeous green to use in the condo he's selling!). I own four Benjamin Moore paint decks and another from Restoration Hardware. I can rattle off every paint color I've ever used in the houses I've owned. I can't decide which would be my dream job: to create the paint colors or to name them. I love paint colors (if not the actual painting!).

I've spent at least 10 hours so far pouring over paint chips to find the perfect colors for each room. Lulu and Boo have chosen their colors (BM Cat's Meow and Golden Honey, respectfully) and I know I want a pale aqua for the living room/dining room. I've tried out three so far but haven't settled on the right one just yet. The kitchen will be either BM Desert Tan or RH Butter. I need to get back into the house to check my swatches against the cabinets and granite. My bathroom will be RH Cappuccino (mainly because I bought a gallon a year and a half ago that I never used). My bedroom still isn't settled ... perhaps a light green (BM Pale Sea Mist, the color I recommended to P, and which is currently in my kitchen, or it's color strip neighbor, Dill Pickle) or fresh white. I am dying to use a color from C2 called Bella Donna (a cross between lilac and gray ... the exact color of the sky at twilight), but it's a big risk ... we're talking 200 square feet of purple.

What are your favorite paint colors? Here are a few (more) of mine ...

BM August Morning -- stunning, but it only works in a sunny room ... ask me how I know

BM Pale Sea Mist -- the perfect light green with a touch of yellow, looks lovely with warm wood tones, gorgeous with red accents (and wow does it NOT look like that chip!)

BM Bird's Egg (left), Palladian Blue, Robin's Nest, Jamaican Aqua (center), and Sweet Dreams (right) -- all stunning shades of aqua, but none are quite right for the new place. Boo's room right now is Jamaican Aqua and I love it!

BM St Martin Sand -- warm taupey brown, neutral but a color, hard to describe but beautiful!

BM Olive Branch -- this was in my old master bedroom and I loved it ... hmm, may need to add this to the list for the new master bedroom. Rosemary Sprig is one color strip over and is also pretty.

RH Sea Green -- lovely muted blue-green that is in my room right now (but alas, still not quite what I have in mind for the new place)

My Favorite Mistake

2010-05-27T21:11:00.000-04:00

I've been so busy with the house purchase (so much paperwork!) and the divorce (more paperwork!) that I've neglected to obsess over P for a week or two! Not completely, of course (you do know me better than that, don't you?). There was a few days where some idle gossip -- from R, no less! -- sent me back into drama-land. But R redeemed himself with perhaps the best relationship advice anyone has ever given me. At the height of my "are they or aren't they" freakout over P and his work wife (WW), R said: This isn't about her. It's about you and P. Period. Take her out of the equation.

And he was totally right. Whatever they are or aren't has been going on (or not) for seven years. No amount of obsessive fretting on my part is going to change that. The only thing I can do is decide ... do I trust P or not?

And yes, I do. Here's why ... he's not yet given me a reason not to. And I refuse to go through life starting from a position of fear and suspicion. Have I been hurt before by someone I trusted? Yeah, absolutely. Will it happen again? I'd put money on it. But I am making an active, thoughtful choice to be a trusting, loving person and accept any consequences that follow because the alternative -- allowing myself to become bitter and doubting and closed off -- is far worse.

Plus, P has patiently answered every question I've asked about WW, he has been open with me about their history and the nature of their relationship, and he's told several of his closest work friends about us. I would guess that most of our colleagues (at least any who care!) know by now, so he's certainly not trying to hide me from her. Most important, P is a good person. He's an odd guy and he's got some issues, but he's a good person who tries to make good decisions. So I am trusting him until he gives me a reason not to.

P and I were hanging out the other day on the balcony as he was smoking a pipe (a habit I was startled to discover I don't hate) and he joked that I needed a vice of my own. I shot back: you're my vice. And then I realized how true that is. P is absolutely my guilty pleasure. Something I know (or at least suspect) may not be good for me in the long run, but that I want anyway just because it makes me feel good right now. Maybe P will never be the loving husband and involved step-dad that I someday want for us, but he's fun and funny and interesting and smart and good in bed. I'm willing to concede that he may ultimately be a mistake. But he's definitely my favorite mistake so far.

Under Contract!

2010-05-24T11:53:00.000-04:00

I have a house! Well, a contract to buy one, which is such a relief. It's a cute little house on a wooded lot with a waterfall in a great school district that I only somewhat overpaid for. The only downside? We don't close until July 23. Which is a lot of days from today. A lot of days to live with exH. My hope is that now that there is an end date, a flurry of paperwork, and paint colors to obsess over, that the time will go by quickly. Lulu and Boo are super excited -- they haven't seen the inside of the house yet, but I am going to take them over on Wed. during the inspection.

More later ... for now, here is a photo of my new waterfall.

Instructions, Please

2010-05-19T18:53:00.000-04:00

This whole single parenting thing? I'm not sure it's working out. Or maybe it's just the parenting part that's the problem. Boo? Has turned into a monster. Not a cute cuddly monster like Sully in Monsters, Inc. But a mean, scary monster like the ones I used to think lurked under my bed. He fights, he sulks, he throws temper tantrums. Oh my god, the tantrums. They may be the death of me. And they always (of course) occur when we need to be somewhere, like 10 minutes ago. He's 3 1/2 ... tell me this is just a phase. Please? I don't remember Lulu being so awful.

But Lulu is a challenge all her own. Last night she wants to know what it feels like to be dead. This morning she interrogates me on how to find someone to marry. How you make babies came up in there too. Where's the freaking manual?

Probably right next to "Post-Divorce Dating for Dummies."

I just can't shake the lingering doubts I have about P. Nothing's really changed. We fought, we made up, all was well. But somewhere in there my buttons got pushed (again) and now I am freaked out and scared. But I still don't know how much of that is me and how much is him. Let's break it down a bit, shall we?

Me: Trust issues. Like, big time
Him: Weird, overly close, but (we think) platonic relationship with married female coworker
Me: Falls in love too fast
Him: Been in love once in 45 years
Me: Wants connection
Him: Wants connection ... sometimes
Me: Abandonment issues
Him: There for me ... usually
Me: Commitment issues
Him: Commitment issues

Right. We've got some issues. But what to do? If the issues are mostly mine, I want to work on them, not walk away. If they're mostly his, then I'm willing to say enough. I just don't know where that line is. And, I have to admit, I'm scared. Not so much of not being with P (though I don't want to make a mistake -- it's hard to find someone you adore, have fun with, and are crazy attracted to), but of being alone again. And, to be fair, not even so much of being alone, but specifically of being alone while sharing a house with exH. Escaping to P's has been a life-saver these past few weeks, especially on the weekends. Where will I go now?

What should I do? Walk away now? Try to work things out with P? Give Lulu and Boo to exH and admit myself to a lovely insane asylum on the beach? (Those have to exist somewhere, right?)

Housing Crisis

2010-05-18T12:14:00.003-04:00

I just ordered this book on my Kindle and I can't wait to read it: Life Would Be Perfect If I Lived in That House. It's about the author's quest to overcome the restlessness that drives her to want to move often and find the perfect home. I haven't read so much as a page yet, but already I suspect she and I may be soulmates.

Of course, house lust is very much on my mind right now. Practically speaking, I need a place to live that satisfies a few basic requirements: good school, safe neighborhood, not too far from work and exH. There are probably dozens of apartments that satisfy those needs, but they don't satisfy the deep desire I have for a HOME. A place where I can not only reside, but also live. Where I can breathe again, knowing the air, the walls, the cabinets are mine, where the rugs cannot be pulled out from under me. Literally or figuratively. Perhaps buying a house is not the answer to all of my problems (as the author of the book ultimately learns), but it may very well be the answer to my prayers. For me, it's a physical representation of the fresh start I am making in my life and the foundation of the new future I am building for myself.

The house I live in now feels oppressive and dark. Even though it was at one time my dream house. It has everything I thought I wanted, back when I thought I had the perfect life. The floors, the cabinets, the fixtures ... I hand-selected each of them and they all came together to create a home that, while beautiful, now reflects someone I can't quite remember. And in fact, I often feel that I am living in someone else's house, even though it was built and designed for me.

I have lived in this house now for nearly five years -- the longest I have lived anywhere in my life. For someone who claims to crave security and stability, that realization was a big surprise to me. No wonder I am aching to move. That's just what feels "normal" to me, and staying put feels like somehow I am stalled.

Let's take a quick journey through my abodes over the years, shall we?

Age 0-2: Small white house in Tallahassee, FL

Age 3-5: Beautiful house in the woods in Tallahassee

Age 6-7: Big white house in Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Age 8: 3 different homes while my father was sick and then passed away (aunt's farmhouse, friend's big white house, small duplex, all in or near Tallahassee)

Age 9-12: Pretty wood house in Tallahassee

Age 12-15: Condo in Falls Church, VA
Age 15-17: Another white house (!) in Alexandria, VA
Age 18-20: 5 different dorms at college, plus a summer stay at a beach house in Ocean City, MD
Age 21: Ancient apartment in Boston

Age 22-23: A few months at my mom's brick house in Alexandria, then a cool studio in Dupont Circle in DC

Age 24-25: A few months with a friend in Alexandria, then a nice apartment in Adams Morgan in DC

Age 25-26: Bought my first house! Small brick townhouse in Alexandria

Age 26: Two different apartments in NYC
Age 27-28: Back to the little brick townhouse

Age 29-30: Massive, 90-year-old stone house in Birmingham, AL (home purchase #2, see photo)

Age 30-35: A few months in the little brick townhouse, then a move across town to a big brick townhouse (house purchase #3)

Age 35-? ... Stay tuned ...

That's a lot of houses! More even than I would have guessed. How do you think all those moves affect a person? Especially when moving is considered one of the top 5 most stressful events in your life. My hope is that the next house will be a place where I can stay for many years. I think that's why I am so set against renting, even though in many ways that would be the best option for me. But renting means I will HAVE to move again while buying puts that decision in my hands alone. Who knows? Maybe the restlessness will kick in again in a few years. But just maybe I will find a true home.

Another Day, Another Drama

2010-05-17T15:08:00.000-04:00

Where to start? The past week has been a blur of late nights, drunken confessions, issues with P, and continuing house drama. So bear with me while I give a few updates before digging into the heart of today's dilemmas.

The Ex Files, Day 11
Since I was barely home this week (see above on late nights), exH wasn't able to cause any real problems. There was a brief moment of panic when I thought he might not sign the formal separation papers. He did, and I was both relieved and exhausted. He left today for a trip and I am so thrilled to have my house back for five whole days!

Why I Don't Drink at Work Events
This week was our annual company meeting, where 250ish professionals act like frat boys for a night. I'm not usually one of them, but between the separation papers getting signed that day, dinner being served way too late, and some unbearably boring pre-dinner speakers, somehow I got myself quite drunk. And spilled the beans about me and P to one of the guys who works for him and to P's and my mutual boss. Not well, as P would say (and did). At the party, he claimed not to be upset, but the next day, he was pissed. I never figured out exactly why because plenty of people at work have seen us out together and know we're a couple. I think he mostly felt uneasy about me talking about him period. That's fair. I definitely regret those conversations. We made up about it, but something is not quite right ... stay tuned for a paragraph or two.

The Home Front
I still don't have a house. There's really not much to report except that the only house I love is one I can't comfortably afford. So do I stretch for a year or so until I get a raise and pay down some debt? Or do I give up on buying and rent (provided I can find a rental in the right school district, which is also iffy). I think I'm going to make one final offer and see what happens. One way or another, I've got to resolve this soon for my peace of mind.

And Now, Decision Time
Something's not right with P. But, we've known that for awhile, right? I heard some more gossip about him and our coworker (if you're just joining us, he is VERY close with a married coworker but swears nothing is going on) that made my stomach turn. It factored into our fight on Saturday and even though I am 97% sure I believe him, something's just not right. Maybe they aren't involved, but they are more than casual friends for sure, and I just feel there is something he's not telling me. So every time I hear something about them, that 3% doubt just gnaws away at me more and more. I don't want to stay with someone who starts out the relationship keeping things from me. There are other things that make me uneasy, too. I'm in this for real, but I'm not at all sure whether he is and many of my doubts stem from that.

But, I'm also not sure I'm ready to move on yet. I have real feelings for this guy, and if I'm going to end it, I have to be sure it's the right decision. I guess that means a(nother) conversation with him about it, and those never go well. Still, I owe it to myself and him to man up and talk about it face to face, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us both.

The Ex Files, Day 4

2010-05-10T11:01:00.000-04:00

ExH is back in my house. It's only been four days and I have no idea how I am going to make it for two months! Or longer if I can't find myself a house, like, this week. Universe? Can you hear me? A house, please?

It's a little hard to explain just *why* life with exH is so awful. He's nice, polite, and (so far) neat. He makes us breakfast and takes Lulu and Boo for walks in the park and out to dinner. He offers to pick up groceries. All in all, he's the perfect houseguest-slash-father of my children.

But I am miserable. After 15 months of freedom, I've instantly been tossed back in time two years. Back then I planned out nearly every minute of my at-home hours to minimize any interaction with him. He was angry, irritable, and often drinking. Nearly any conversation, however trivial, turned into a fight. So I hid. Sometimes literally, in my room or in the playroom with the kids, wherever he was most likely to leave me alone. Sometimes I hid in plain sight, making sure the kids didn't get too loud, eating family meals quickly and silently, and sleeping curled up in a corner of the bed. It was oppressive and exhausting.

Then he left and suddenly I could say and do whatever I wanted, whenever I pleased. The joy! The kids could make as much noise as they liked. If we wanted to stay up late on a Saturday night watching a movie, that was just fine, too. We settled into a new routine and grew into our new life.

Now that's all on hold and I am back to hiding. Luckily, I can escape sometimes ... to the pool, to P. But when I am home, I don't want to hang out with him and the kids as if we're all a family again. I worry that it's ultimately too confusing for Lulu and Boo (and I suspect, exH too). Because soon (right, Universe?) we're going to move out and go back to the life I have so carefully built for us this past year. Just not soon enough.

No More Mr. Nice Guy? And the Problem With P, Continued

2010-05-03T19:26:00.001-04:00

Somehow I have become the resident divorce expert at my office. I've now had three colleagues come to me with their marriage woes. One, S, was an old friend until he confided his desire to have an affair (and later, tried to start one with me, coincidentally on the same night that P and I first confessed our mutual interest). S and I haven't talked much since. I'm sure I don't know the full story there, and prior to this, I thought S was a really great guy, but whatever his deal now, I have zero interest in becoming anyone's other woman.

The other two, my best friend, R, and my boss, RC, are really suffering. These are good guys. Nice guys. Guys who love their wives and children and are desperate to keep their families together. And their wives just seem to have stopped loving them. I of all people know there are always two sides to a marriage, so who knows what goes on behind closed doors, but I gotta say, at least right now, these two are fighting like hell not to get divorced. Bending over backwards, doing all sorts of backflips and front flips and triple-axel/double-toe-loop combos to make their wives stay. And what I have said to them both is ... stop. Just stop. If she doesn't love you now, when you have completely remolded yourself to fit her every desire, she's not going to suddenly wake up and change her mind as she's walking all over you. She'll just keep on walking out the door. In fact, I suspect that their wives have lost interest in part *because* their husbands have been so accommodating.

Take R. R is outgoing, loves sports, thrives on hanging out with the guys, but for years he gave up on all that for his wife, J, an introvert because he thought she wanted him to stay home with her. R gradually resented giving up his friends for J, who it turns out would have preferred the alone time. That's just one example of how instead of being honest about what he wanted, he tried so hard to make her happy that they both ended up miserable. J surely shares responsibility too, of course, which they finally realize, but I think it's probably too late.

And then take RC, a smart, sweet, very successful guy. I don't have the long history with him that R and I have, but I have known him long enough to know that he's a genuinely good person whose primary sin was being a little too addicted to the Blackberry. His wife, K, had an affair with her coworker, RC found out and decided to try to work through it. He gave up the Blackberry on nights and weekends, went to counseling, bought new, cooler clothes, and got a tattoo. (Hey, at least he was trying.) He got a personal chef to make dinners so he and his wife would have more time together in the evenings, took her away for a long trip to try to get things back on track and she ... she's done nothing. Is he blameless? Again, of course not. But my man is trying so damn hard. Surely that is worth something?

It breaks my heart to see these two so helpless, watching their families fall apart. It both makes me feel a little better about men in general and reinforces how impossibly difficult marriage is. There's nothing I can do except listen, offer up my own experience, and scribble out my lawyer's name and number on a folded up Post-It when asked. Good luck guys, I have my fingers crossed for you.

The Problem With P, Continued

P and I didn't have one of our trademark magical weekends. I was tired and feeling overwhelmed. He was tired and generally not feeling well. What I thought was a minor bitch about work sent him on a rant about how I always complain but never do anything about it (not entirely untrue). We got past that, only to have another clash when I tried to talk to him about some (again, to me, minor) frustrations I had with our relationship. [Note to self: post-sex is never a good time for that discussion!!] I thought I was trying to understand where he was coming from; he thought I was criticizing him. Not good. The next day wasn't much better, though we managed to leave things on a pretty good note.

So what's the problem with P? I feel like we're missing a deeper connection. I can't quite explain it to him, but it's that thing that makes you think about the other person throughout your day, to want to share your all your news, big or small, good and bad. P doesn't understand what I mean. He says, of course you can come to me with your problems, of course I am here for you. But he doesn't share his. He doesn't check in with me throughout the week to see how I am doing, even when he knows I've got a lot on my mind, as I did last week. So it feels lopsided for me to do those things.

But, you know, I've realized that I have no idea how this is supposed to work. If P says he is there for me (and when I do go to him, he listens and offers support), am I just looking for trouble? During the disastrous relationship chat, he told me, "If you go looking for problems, you're eventually going to find them." I think he might be right. If I look back at my previous relationships, I definitely have a history of doing that.

What I've been puzzling over is why. Why do I go looking for flaws? R asked me today if I've ever felt that "deeper connection" I was craving from P. His theory is that I am the one who doesn't let anyone "be there for me" because I don't ever let anyone in completely. I think he might be right too. Definitely food for thought.

And on a totally unrelated note ...

Boo thinks he is Blue, the dog from Blue's Clues, and will only talk in bow-wows. Cute. Bizarre, but cute.

Just Keep Swimming

2010-04-28T19:49:00.000-04:00

Apologies for not checking in for a few days. Life has been pretty busy lately, mostly all good things, and I just haven't had much free time. I'm trying to buy a house (more on that later in the week), keep up with my swimming, plus squeeze in some time with P and, oh, do some actual work!

Swimming has been such a positive change over the past two weeks. It's hard to find the time to get to the pool, but when I do, it's incredibly relaxing and really helps me puzzle through whatever's on my mind. And not only do I enjoy the exercise, but I also love the symbolism of it. A year or so ago, I often felt like I was drowning and now here I am not just afloat, but powering through the water.

I've also felt a big change with P. It may be just that I am feeling more comfortable and secure in the relationship, but I think he's also opening up more too. Being with him feels, finally, like a source of calm and happiness rather than a source of anxiety and insecurity. We seem to have settled into an easy, relaxed relationship, and I just love being around him with none of that sort of crazy obsessiveness I've felt in previous relationships (and for a time, in this one). I am also happy to discover that when I have good news or bad, he's the first person I want to talk to.

Wish me luck! Within the next day or so I should know for sure whether I can buy a house now, and if so, I may even have an offer in!

What a Difference a Week Makes?

2010-04-23T13:55:00.000-04:00

Today is a very good day. Things were tough earlier in the week, but I got two very welcome bits of news today. First, I found out that I can buy a new house no matter what happens with my current home. ExH and I have applied to our mortgage company to allow him to assume the mortgage and I thought that if they said no, I'd have to rent. But a chance conversation with a mortgage lender changed all that -- she can qualify me regardless as long as I can prove exH has been paying the current loan for at least a year. So, new house, here we come! Keep your fingers crossed that I can get the one I have my eye on.

The second piece of good news is that exH finally agreed to the separation terms so our divorce can proceed. That is such a huge, huge relief. He'll still have one more chance to fight it if he wants, but this was a major first step.

If Wishes Were Changes ... (from one of my favorite songs)

So the week that started off so low is ending on a high. P lent me a book on positive thinking and I think it might be working! I have really focused the past week on a few "wishes" and two seem to be coming true already. Here's what I have been focusing on:

1. Finding a great home for me and the kids (big step forward today)
2. Finalizing the divorce (another big step today)
3. Getting in shape (I swam three times this week!)
4. Paying off debt (going slower than I hoped, but it's happening)
5. Being secure and confident in my relationship with P (also slowly but surely)
6. Getting a promotion at work (this is a 6-12 month goal)

Some of these are under my control, others aren't, but I'm putting them out there regardless. Universe, are you listening?

Things Fall Apart

2010-04-20T12:47:00.000-04:00

Look, most days, I'm fine. Sometimes even better than fine. I can count the number of times I've lost it over the past 14 months on both hands. Still, it happens. And when it does, I'm completely thrown for a loop.

Things have been going along relatively smoothly lately. ExH was out of town (and more to the point, out of cell reach) so he hadn't been causing any trouble. P, despite a in-the-grand-scheme-of-things small screwup on Thursday, has been good, listening to my various problems patiently and offering what he could in the way of support. Work has been quiet, which is boring, but certainly not stressful. So it seemed out of the blue last night when suddenly, in the middle of Lulu and Boo's bath, when I was struck by a wave of "I just can't take it one more day." I managed to get through dinner and bedtime without collapsing, but the wave kept pulling me under like when you're standing on the beach and the sand is slowly eroding out from under your feet.

I ran a bath in my beloved gigantic tub (must enjoy it as much as possible before I move), poured a comically large glass of Shiraz, and tried to figure out what was causing the angst. A lot of it, I think, is uncertainty over the future. I know the kids and I will most likely be moving this summer, but whether I can buy or will have to rent is unknown, and that dictates somewhat where we can move. Finances are causing me stress, as usual. I just paid an astronomical amount for summer camps for Lulu, which are a requirement since I work full-time. My bonus arrives tomorrow, which will wipe out much of my remaining non-car, non-mortgage debt (well, it would have if not for camp costs), but I don't know exactly what it will be post-tax. Still, I am so grateful for this money. It's not a lot, but for me right now, it's a life saver. Finally, exH STILL has not agreed to the divorce terms, though he promises he will this week. I've heard that before.

So how to manage the uncertainty and stay focused on NOW? I've never been good at this (see my last post!).

Girl in a Hurry

2010-04-17T14:32:00.000-04:00

I've always been in a rush. Have you ever heard the Billy Joel song "Vienna"? Here are a few excerpts:

Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid? ...

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight

Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right, you're right

That song could have been written about me. I've been in a hurry since the day I was born, it seems. I walked early, read early, graduated college in three years. I had my first national magazine cover story at 22 and bought my first house at 25. I've always had my eye on what's next, so much so that I often neglected to enjoy what I had already accomplished. I was too focused on the next promotion, the next job, the next house. Until it all fell apart and I was forced to take a big step backward instead of racing forward.

For the first time ever, I've had to live in the moment because the future is totally up in the air. I can't move out of this house until the divorce papers are filed (because exH moved to another state when we split, one of us has to be living here to file) and right now, I don't even know if I will be able to buy a new place or rent. (We're waiting on the bank to decide whether to let me off the mortgage.) I don't know where Lulu will go to school next year. I can't put in the extra hours at work right now to make the case for a promotion. Things with P are too new (and he is too ... whatever) for a future to be anything more than a fleeting glimpse of sunlight through a heavy fog of uncertainty.

I have no idea where I will be this time next year or the year after. Heck, even next month is a little iffy. Certainly a year ago, I could never have imagined that I would be in the situation I am in now ... allowing exH to move back in, giving him dating advice, dating a new guy myself (and P at that!), happily living on a drastically reduced budget. All things that would have seemed impossible last April.

So with no future to obsessively plan for, I've got nothing better to do than live in the present. And it's not so bad not to know where I'm going ... the possibilities are open and endless.

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize ... Vienna waits for you?

10 Things

2010-04-15T21:42:00.000-04:00

Today started out great. I was rocking a cute outfit, the weather was 60s and sunny, and I was looking forward to grilling steaks and having a few drinks with P on my balcony in the evening. But P let me down and now it doesn't seem like a very good day at all. It's the first time he has done that, and I don't know yet how I feel or what I want to do. I let him know I was disappointed. He apologized. I need to sleep on it to know where I want to go from here.

It helps on days when things go wrong to remind myself of all the things that are going right in my life. So here are 10 things that I'm grateful for, even when I'm sad.

1. My kids! Lulu and Boo are funny and cute and sweet. They love me. They love me when I'm happy. They love me when I'm grouchy. I wore new shoes today, and as new shoes often do, they irritated one heel and I put a band-aid on to keep it from blistering. Boo was so concerned when he saw it and insisted on giving my heel a kiss. You can't buy that kind of devotion. I am so lucky to have them.

2. I have a job. A good one. When a lot of people don't. I may bitch and moan about something here or there, but at the end of the day, I have a job that pays me well, that is interesting and challenging. I have coworkers who respect me, a boss who supports me, and a schedule that allows me to be with my kids more than most working moms can.

3. I had the courage to end my marriage. It was scary. I doubted myself. I wasn't sure I could make it. But exH did not treat me well when we were together and he wasn't the right person for me from the start. I wanted to leave for nearly three years. THREE YEARS! But I wasn't brave enough. Finally, he cheated, I kicked him out, and I've never once looked back. I won my independence, and I cherish it.

4. That said, I have just about the best relationship now with exH as anyone could have with a former spouse. We bicker and get on each other's nerves, sure, but all in all, he's a good dad and he's trying to do right by me and the kids. It may not be perfect, but it could be SO much worse.

5. I'm healthy. Thank god I have the good health and energy to physically and mentally function as I need to to take care of the kids, perform at my job, and take care of myself.

6. I have an amazing family. My mom would literally do anything for me. Anything. I try not to take advantage of that, but it's nice to know she's there. Lulu, Boo, and I will never want for anything if she can help it, whether that's love, money, a home, whatever. My stepfather loves me as his own. My sister is far away, and we are far apart in age so not always as close as we'd both like, but I know she'd be there for me if I needed her.

7. I have a few true friends. My close friendships are not without complications, but they are real and deep and lasting. I don't have a lot of close friends, but I have three who would (and in a few cases, have) been there in the middle of the night when I needed them. I am terrible about keeping in touch regularly, but it doesn't seem to matter. When I need them, they are magically there. I am not as good a friend to at least one of them as I should be, but she is still there.

8. I am a week away from being almost debt-free. I will still have a car payment and for now, a mortgage, but everything else will be paid off in one week. You will have no idea how hard I've worked for this. I have not been debt-free since I got my first credit card in college. But I will be next week and I hope I can stay that way.

9. I'm loving and lovable. There is no doubt in my mind that there will be another great love (sadly, exH doesn't even qualify, but there were others who did). It may not be P, or even the guy after P, but it will happen. I fall in love easily and happily. I love love. Men tend to be drawn to me because I genuinely like them and find them fascinating. I am assured by others that there are at least four men at work who harbor some sort of crush on me (not even counting P). Nothing will come of them other than friendship, but it's nice to be loved.

10. I am resilient. I have not had the toughest life, for sure, but it hasn't been the easiest either. My dad died when I was 8, leaving behind a secret life for my mom to discover. My mom, understandably, went a little crazy for a few years while I cared for myself and my sister, who was just a baby. I made it through that.

I changed schools 8 times in 12 years. My mom remarried a guy who was legitimately crazy and blamed me for their eventual problems. (She eventually divorced that nut and married a saint whom I and my kids adore.) I was a bit messed up about relationships and struggled throughout high school and college not to drown myself in boys. I made it through all that, too.

I ended up marrying someone with his own troubled past, who turned out to have severe (but undiagnosed) ADHD and an alcohol problem and anger issues to boot. By the time I saw his behavior toward me for the verbal and emotional abuse it was, I had a baby. Then another, because even though I knew by then that I was going to be a single mother, I desperately wanted a second child. And god help me if I didn't have Boo in my life. There were times during my pregnancy with him that I wasn't sure I could take it one more day. And, not even born yet, he saved me. Then exH worsened, blaming me for everything that didn't go right, and finally cheating on me. I made it though that also. I can survive anything.

Anything.

Part-Time Lover

2010-04-14T19:18:00.000-04:00

So here's the thing about P. When we're actually together, it's great. He's affectionate and funny and relaxed and happy. He talks about things we'll do months in the future. We have fun going out and staying in. We go shopping. We cook together. We watch made-for-cable disaster movies and laugh at them. We talk about everything and nothing. We're good in bed together. He's sad when I don't sleep over. When I do, we spend all day Sunday together. When I leave, he holds me tight for a long time and only lets me go when I eventually pull away. I love every single second I'm with him. Sounds incredible, right? It is. It really is.

But ...

The rest of the week? Monday through Friday? It's like I don't exist. I rarely hear from him unless I reach out first. Even then, I don't always get a response to my IMs or emails. When I see him at work, there's no sign of the guy I see on the weekends. Of course, not many people at work know we're dating, so it's not like I expect him to make any big gestures, but there's literally nothing except the occasional passing smile. We don't go for coffee or lunch together. He rarely stops by or makes any contact. Few if any emails or IMs. No "I miss yous". If we do see each other during the week, it's because I ask. And when we do, it's great. See above. But it's always me who initiates it.

How do our amazing weekends vanish from his memory on Monday mornings? It's so confusing ... does he never think about me during the week? Is he just too busy to be bothered? Do the incredible weekends make him pull back? I know he doesn't go out most nights. I'm pretty sure there's no one else. I don't need to be with him every single minute, but I do want a boyfriend more than once a week. I want to be part of his life (and for him to be part of mine) all the time, not just on weekends. I've told him before that I would like to hear from him more often. It helped ... a little. He went from zero to one IM during the week.

What do you guys think? What would you do if you were me? Should I just be happy with the stellar weekends?

The Wave

2010-04-13T10:11:00.000-04:00

I'm a little sad today. Yesterday, after a lovely weekend with P (I'm a bit thrilled and a lot scared that I am starting to glimpse a future with him), I came to work, looking forward to my regular coffee run with R, who confided that he and his wife spent their weekend talking about divorce. I was shocked. Things had been rocky over the past few years, but I thought they were doing better lately. Or maybe he just stopped telling me about the bad parts. Even though I am much happier without exH, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially R, who's about the most devoted father I've ever seen. It's not clear what's going to happen with him yet, but I hope they can get through this.

Last night, it occurred to me that if this had happened a year or so ago, my sadness for R and his family would have been mixed with a drop of hope that maybe he and I could be together. Horrible, I know, but I've often wondered if it could work. I don't think about that anymore -- I'm pretty sure we're better off as friends. Plus there's P, who is in many ways the exact opposite of R, and I want to see where that goes.

When exH and I split last February, I knew only one person who was divorced, a colleague I'm not particularly close to who's maybe 10 years older. At 34, I was definitely on the leading edge of the divorce wave. More than a year later, R is struggling with it and so is another coworker. I expect the next year will only bring more news of marriages ending. In many cases, it's the right decision, but that doesn't make it less sad.

I wonder if I will ever be able to take that leap again. Despite knowing several happy couples who have survived failed marriages and found love again, right now it's hard to imagine that I will ever overcome my fundamental doubts about love, and I never again want to go through the "this-is-mine-that-is-yours" bickering that even the most amicable divorces entail. Even in my most fantastical imaginings about P, I don't see us married (good thing since he's said he never wants to get married!). What do other divorced/separated parents think about getting married again?

Extreme Divorce Makeover

2010-04-10T13:35:00.001-04:00

Ok, so "extreme" might be an overstatement, but I was thinking today how much happier I am both inside and outside. I've lost a few pounds, started taking better care of my skin, making an effort with my hair, and best of all, rediscovered my style. It's amazing how many compliments I get every day now! I feel so much more ME now than I have at any other point in my life. I wouldn't dream of going back to my teens or 20s!

I thought I'd share the tools and tricks I used in my EDM in hopes that they might spark some inspiration for you, too!

Weight
I was OK with my weight before, but between having babies and just not paying much attention to what I ate, I had drifted from a size 4 to an 8 over the past few years and I didn't want to continue the trend. So on the advice of my super-healthy coworkers H and D, I started by tracking what I ate using a free service called SparkPeople.com. It took me a little while to get used to entering in everything I ate (they have a free iPhone app that makes it even easier!), but once I did, I was shocked at how many calories and, especially, carbs I was eating. Guess my life-long sweet tooth had finally come back to bite me, so to speak. Just by monitoring my calorie, carb, fat, and protein intake, I lost 5 pounds almost instantly, and another 3 over the following few weeks, going down a full clothing size overall and losing the dreaded muffin top! I'd like to drop another 5, but I am thrilled at where I am right now and it has been a breeze to maintain.

One secret? Protein shakes. They fill me up and give me an additional boost of protein, which is key to keeping my energy level steady. Atkins Advantage shakes taste great and are relatively low in fat and very low in carbs; I also do Jay Robb's chocolate protein shakes, which have practically no fat or carbs and double the protein of the Atkins' brand. They're not the tastiest, but they're tolerable especially given the huge protein punch they pack.

Skin
I know you all wash your faces religiously every night, but I was always too tired and too lazy. I used a Sephora gift certificate to purchase the Clarisonic Mia last fall and I will never go back! My skin literally glows! I also got serious about eye cream and wrinkle prevention. I'm genetically blessed with a youthful look that I want to maintain. I use Philosophy's Help Me every other night and Creme de La Mer eye balm every night. The latter was a pre-divorce splurge that I then neglected to use; once it's gone, I'll be switching to the more budget-friendly Kiehl's Creamy Avocado eye cream (read Apocalypstick Now's review, which totally sold me).

For makeup, I have no secrets other than mascara and lipstick. Never wore either pre-divorce; wear both every.single.day now. For mascara, it doesn't matter what brand -- they all seem about the same to me -- but black is a must. For lipstick, I am really picky about color and texture. Laura Mercier's Baby Lips is my go-to for day, while Mac's Viva Glam in Original Cyndi (thanks again Apocalypstick Now) is my take-it-up-a-notch fave.

Style
I have two words for you: skinny jeans. Yes, I know, I know, I dismissed them too. There was no way I was going to display my muffin-topped pear shape in THOSE! But curiosity eventually won out and I tried on a pair. They looked ... great! I don't know what it is about them, but if you can find the right pair, they are simply genius. I love my Old Navy Diva Skinny Jeans (in photo) almost as much as my beloved Hudson Signature Bootcuts. And at just $29.50, they are a lot cheaper. I also have a pair of uber-chic Paige Premium Denim skinny jeans that I adore (bought on sale at TJ Maxx; I saw them at my store recently so you might still be in luck). The Paige pair is soft and stretchy, not like "jeggings" (what an awful word!), but almost, where the ON pair is more structured. For the money, definitely go with ON. I wear my skinny jeans with longer tops and either heels or boots. Seriously, try them. They've upped my style quotient at least a few notches.

I haven't been able to totally overhaul my wardrobe, since in addition to my EDM, I also had to undergo an Extreme Financial Makeover, but I have updated it quite a bit with fitted, non t-shirt tops; this awesome gray leather jacket bought during the Loft Friends & Family promo (not online anymore, but my store had a full stock today; note that this is WAY cuter in person than in this pic); and heels. Never wore heels much pre-divorce, but I am addicted now. They make me look tall and lean (huge when you're 5'2") and I have managed to find a good selection of comfortable styles. Check out my old standby, TJ Maxx, for Cole Haan heeled sandals. They have this magic Nike Air sole that makes even 3"+ heels amazingly comfy.

Oh, and one more style tip ... get a professional bra fitting. I know, everyone says that, but it's true. After nursing two babies, I had no idea what size I really was. Nordstrom has great (free) bra fitters who will whip you into shape and work with your budget. Replacing nearly all my bras was an investment, to be sure, but it made a huge difference in how things fit.

There's No Manual for This!

2010-04-09T12:31:00.002-04:00

Actual email I just received from ExH:

Btw- I have a date tonight with two chicks. I forgot what day it was. I guess I have to cancel on one but that's not what I'm worried about. Or i could eat twice. A date - so how exactly do these things work? I'm completely embarrased right now but honestly you are the only person I would ever ask this, which I get is weird, and sorta wrong, but I've never, and I mean never gone on a "date."

Oh good lord. Not that this is the first time he has come to me for relationship advice. This is FAR less awkward than when I counseled him on how to win the cheatee back. (Which either didn't work or he decided against trying ... I didn't ask.) As R said when I forwarded him the email, "On the plus side, he's making your blog easy for you."

The List

2010-04-08T10:33:00.001-04:00

Do you (or did you) have a list? You know what i'm talking about ... the list of must-haves, nice-to-haves, and absolutely-nots in a potential mate. I started thinking about this after talking to my stylist, G, mid-highlights yesterday. He's an attractive, successful, British (accent = to die for), gay man in his early 40s, who you would think would have no trouble finding a great guy. But he has a list, and a pretty long one at that. He recently signed up for a dating site, but said he wasn't getting many responses. I asked what he put in his criteria. "Well, I want someone who is 6'4" (G is 6'2"), doesn't smoke, owns his own home, makes a good living, isn't into the club scene ...." Um, G? That's a pretty, er, tall order, I said. Why not lower the bar just a bit? I suggested he start with one or two "must-haves" (for him, that turns out to be a tall non-smoker) and give the other guys a chance.

I have to confess, during my brief fling with Match.com, I got sucked into a little of the list mentality just like G did and went a little nuts with the "must-haves." When I think about it, things like career, formal education level, and height don't matter to me (my best friend R laughed at my 5'9" height preference, saying "But you're only 5'2"!), but on those sites, it's all you have to go on.

I really don't have a list, actual or mental, in part because I never really knew what I wanted. I've dated all sorts of men, and while a few certainly fit into one category or another (there are several "nice Jewish boys" in my past, and a couple of blue-eyed blonds), they're all pretty different from each other with one exception -- they've all been whip smart. So I guess that would be item #1 on my list. Post exH, I'd also have to add something along the lines of "can take care of himself." ExH has gotten more independent in the past year, but for a 37-year-old with his own business, he's still pretty clueless about finances. (I shudder to think what will happen if he tries to buy a house or car on his own at some point.) That doesn't mean a potential mate has to have money, but he at least needs to know how to manage what he has. And he has to love Lulu and Boo. That's not a big deal for dating, but it's a must if things get serious.

So what's on YOUR list?

Cute Giveaway at She Hath Done What She Could

2010-04-07T15:10:00.000-04:00

Peggy's giving away a cute navy clutch. Check it out here.

How Do You Know?

2010-04-06T17:10:00.001-04:00

This post on What's love got to do with it? got me thinking ... how DO you know when someone loves you? How do you know when you're in love? I am pretty quick to say the L word in new relationships and as a result, I am almost always the first one to say it (though thankfully, I've never said it to someone who didn't eventually say it back ... more on that in a second!). But what triggers that feeling? Sometimes it has happened slowly, over a few months; other times it has been almost instantaneous.

I dated two guys seriously in college and one followed the first pattern -- we dated on and off for a few months, but we were both dating other people as well and while there was a lot of passion, neither one of us saw it as love. Eventually, we ended up dating more seriously and said I love you to each other (looking back, I don't know that I really meant it even though we were together for a few years). The other guy fell into the instant soulmate category. "I love you"s were exchanged within weeks, if not days, of our first kiss, and I continued to love him just as intensely for the year we were together and for many years (albeit eventually platonically) after that. I've only found one other "soulmate" love like that, and sadly, it wasn't with exH. That person is married, as was I at the time, so we channeled that love into a strong friendship that has lasted for four years now. I no longer fantasize about what it would be like to run away with him; I just love him and support him and he does the same for me though we definitely have our ups and downs. (Unfortunately he hates P, so that has made the past few months difficult, but I am confident our friendship will survive.)

I told P I loved him a few weeks ago, knowing he couldn't say it back. I warned him I probably wouldn't say it again, because it's not fair when I know he isn't there yet, but that I just wanted him to know. He seemed thrilled and surprised and asked why. I'm not sure yet what P's deal is, but I suspect he might think that there's not much about him to love. I disagree -- he's funny and intelligent and has a completely different take on the world than I do. I like listening to his theories on the universe, the afterlife, the decline of music since 1980, and whatever else is on his mind. He challenges me to think differently. And I love that he's a beer-drinking, car-loving, 100% guys' guy who just happens to have a master's degree in poetry from a famous writing program. I love his blue eyes and the crazy blood-pressure-lowering effect he has on me. I love that we don't always have to talk. Maybe most of all, I love that he doesn't NEED me. He's an independent, self-sufficient grownup who, unlike exH, can manage his finances and everything else on his own. He could use some help in the wardrobe department, but hey, his total lack of style is sorta endearing too. No one's perfect.

Does P love me? I don't think he does yet, or if he does, he doesn't know it. He told me he's only been in love once, back in college, and he's 45! So it may never happen for him. At the very least, it's going to take some time for him to get there. But that doesn't stop me from looking for signs. I know that agreeing to be exclusive was a huge thing for him, as was meeting Lulu and Boo, so for now, I'm content with where we are, and we'll see what happens next. It's hard to remember that taking it slow is a good thing for me right now. I'm not even divorced yet!

Things I Love Right Now

2010-04-05T19:42:00.001-04:00

While I hope that this blog will resonate with other separated and divorced parents, and I plan to add more posts with both resources and my personal experience over time, I want to have fun here, too. I love clothing and makeup (though I don't wear much of the latter and I can't afford much of the former!) and other frivolous things. So in that spirit, here are a few things I am in love with right now.

1. LOFT Petal Print Shell. It's pretty and springy, but not pastel. I wore this to hang out with P on Saturday night paired with dark skinny jeans and high-heeled black sandals. So what if we only got takeout and watched the Final Four? I still looked cute!

2. Anthropologie Cerulean Wave bag. I am obsessed with finding a small, blue purse for summer, but I can't seem to find what I want in my budget. This would be perfect! Sale, please!

3. The New Ray-Ban Wayfarers in black. They're just so cool and classic.

4. Coral sandals. No pic because I haven't found them yet! I want a vibrant coral, nothing even bordering on pink with a 2"ish heel comfy enough to walk in. Let me know if you see any!

5. Hudson Jeans. I am addicted to these! There is something about the cut and style that makes me look taller, leaner, and the triangle flap pockets do wonders for my butt. I have them in dark washes, light washes, and everything in between. But, Robyn, aren't Hudson jeans like $200? And aren't you broke? Well, um, yes, but here's a tip. Go to Nordstrom and try on a bunch of different styles and sizes (I love the Signature Bootcut the best!). Once you know what fits best, hit eBay and scoop up the very same jeans, brand new!, for half off the retail price. I also sometimes find this brand at TJ Maxx, along with Joe's Jeans, another fave.

Letting Go

2010-04-05T15:01:00.001-04:00

ExH and I are currently finalizing our divorce agreement and it has been tough. Stressful, tense, scary, and all-around unpleasant. Money discussions with exH are especially tense, mainly because neither of us really has any. But as awful as it has been to work out this agreement, I fully realize that it could be so much worse. At least we CAN talk about it, even if we have to take frequent "I hate you right this moment and cannot be rational" breaks to get it done. So far there have been no lawyers involved, except to guide us through the actual filing process. We haven't dragged our kids into it. As far as these things go, I have to believe we are about as amicable as possible.

That's also the problem. I am moving on with my life. I'm happy with P, happy living on my own, happy not being married to exH anymore. ExH on the other hand, is not moving on. I'm not sure that he wants to be back together, but he definitely wants and expects a closer relationship than I do. I'm content to be friendly and pleasant, but I don't really want to be friends. He still considers me his best friend.

I've been struggling with him to set the right boundaries for our new relationship. Or, more to the point, I set them and he constantly oversteps them. Which forces me to push back, and I know it often comes across as bitchy. This is definitely something we're going to have to work out if he moves in.

I've been puzzled as to why we're in such different places ... we were both miserable in the marriage, after all, and we both readily agreed that separating was the right decision. So why can't he let go? Then, last night I had dinner with my only divorced friend, K. She explained it perfectly when she said that abuse and neglect and infidelity kill love. I can't say I was an angel, especially once exH's drinking/verbal abuse cycle really heated up, but I sure as hell never beat him down the way he did me. I made a lot of mistakes, but mine were all minor and they were not "love killers". He even admitted that a few months ago when he pointed out that I stood by him for years, tried to get him help and make things better, while he repaid me in anger and disdain.

It's sad to see him struggle with letting go, but I hope he can, because that is the only way we will ever be the kind of friends he'd like us to be.

Baggage, Baby

2010-04-02T21:47:00.000-04:00

Last night, I went to see P, and he casually mentioned something critical that someone in his group said about a presentation I had given at work the day before. The comment infuriated me because I have a long history of not getting along with several people in that group but I thought I had finally gotten past it. I was frustrated and got upset with P because I felt like he should have defended me to his colleague. He of all people should have known I wouldn't have intentionally insulted his group! I started to cry, and he left the room, which made me feel even worse.

The drama queen in me was dying to just walk out and go home. And a few years ago? That's exactly what I would have done, followed by a tearful plea for forgiveness a few days later. But I'd already had a few drama-tinged moments with P and as a result, we'd had a shaky few weeks. My uncertainty over how he felt about me and what exactly we were doing made me feel insecure and uneasy, and I got so anxious about it all that I broke up with him a couple weeks ago. It only lasted a week, and things already felt back to normal, but the issues that caused my anxiety hadn't really been resolved, either. And last night they came flooding back ... why didn't he care that I was upset? did he have feelings for me at all? So I got up to leave, but it hit me that if I did, not only would I be doing possibly permanent damage, but I still wouldn't know how he felt and where I stood. And all over a comment that he didn't even make, just reported.

So I splashed some water on my face, took some deep breaths, and went out to talk to him. It was probably the best, most honest conversation we've had since we first started dating. I'm so glad I didn't leave.

Dating after divorce is hard. You can't help but bring along baggage from the marriage, along with any pre-marriage issues. I love P for who he is, but I am also incredibly grateful for everything that I am learning about myself being with him. I see so clearly now so many of the mistakes I made in past relationships and I see myself starting to make them again. Only now, I'm (sometimes) able to stop and change course. It's incredibly empowering to see that I just might be able to get out of the damaging patterns I was in before, dump some of that worn out baggage, and do it better this time.

Today, P came out to lunch with me, Lulu, and Boo. It was the first time he'd met them, and it was something I'd spent a lot of time thinking about. It took three months for me to be ready. I wanted to be sure that he was going to be around for awhile before I introduced them, and if I'm honest, I also worried that he wouldn't like the mom side of me as much as the rest. So today could have been a huge, pressure-filled event. Except, it wasn't at all. I invited him without thinking too much about it and after a brief hesitation on his part, it all worked out just fine.

The Secret to a Happy Divorce

2010-03-31T22:20:00.000-04:00

ExH and I, 95% of the time, get along pretty well. It took a few months after he moved out, but we got to a good place where we could not only tolerate each other, we actually like each other again. We share cute stories about the kids and go out for birthday dinners as a family. He's been supportive of my dating again; I listened to his breakup woes and even offered advice on winning the cheatee back. So that's 95% of the time. The other 5%? Well, we act a lot like I imagine every other divorced or separated couple does. We fight over money. We get on each other's nerves. Right now, as we try to come to some agreement on our divorce filing, I kinda hate him and I'm sure my spot on his list of favorite people is in jeopardy.

Still, I have had so many people marvel over how "good" we are at all this. Friends and coworkers who've gotten divorced (and some who I suspect are pondering it) frequently quiz me, trying to uncover our secrets. But you know what? The only real secret is that I don't love him anymore. The cheating? Awful to discover, but likely the best gift he ever gave me. Because for years, I wanted out but was too scared to leave. I worried about money, and thought I had to stick it out for the kids. You see, my father died when I was 8 and I couldn't bring myself to make a choice that would take my kids away from their dad. But when he cheated, he made the choice for me and there was no going back. And as much as I hate what he did, I am also profoundly grateful. He gave me a way out. And while I don't love him anymore, I owe him some thanks for the little shred of hope I now have that my future is going to be so much better than I could have imagined a few years ago when I felt trapped in a miserable marriage.

Day 128?

2010-03-30T20:22:00.005-04:00

Ok, so the blogging about happiness project didn't go so well. Alas, because it worked so well for this chick. She got a book out of it and everything. On the plus side, it'll be a lot easier to keep up with the blog if I'm not trying to write about something I'm actually not all that good at. I mean, I'm not an *unhappy* person (at least I don't think I am), but I'm not a peppy bubbly cheerleader type either. Even when I was an actual cheerleader, I wasn't really the cheerleader type.

So we've got some catching up to, don't we? Here's what's happened in the past, oh, 90ish days ...

1. I took Lulu and Boo to Disney World. By myself. For a week. A very, very long week that somehow ended much too quickly. It was tough, I'm not going to lie. Airports, hotel rooms, long lines, restaurants ... it's a lot of kid-wrangling for one parent. But they loved it, and I didn't lose either of them -- not even for a second -- so I think it was a success. But we're not going back until Boo is at least 5 and/or no longer needs a stroller. You try hauling a double stroller and two kids on a crowded WDW bus at 8 pm when everyone is overtired and overstimulated.

2. I met a guy. Well, not a new guy, a guy I'd worked with for nearly five years, but never really gotten to know. And what I did know about him I did NOT like. I would go so far as to say HATED. And on top of that, I was fairly certain (along with a decent percentage of my coworkers) that he was having a long-term affair with another woman we work with. Who is married. Frankly, I'm still not 100% sure what the deal is there. So you can see why I hadn't given him any consideration as dating material. Totally understandable, right? But we got to talking one afternoon and what should have been a quick, half-hour chat over coffee turned into a couple hours, then a drink a few weeks later, then a bit of (ok, slightly wine-fueled) flirting at the company holiday party ... and three months later, here we are.

But I'm not sure where "here" is, to be honest. I adore this guy. He's smart and goofy and has the second-most-beautiful blue eyes ever (Boo's are still the best). We have just as much fun going out for dinner as we do hanging out at his place watching tv. We don't fight. And best of all, when we're actually together, he has this weird calming effect on me. Like he actually lowers my blood pressure. Which is really odd considering how long he had the exact opposite effect on me at work. But now when I'm with him, I'm relaxed and happy and not obsessive and worried. The funny thing is that I'm often so calm around him that I fall asleep! And I usually can't sleep around other people (including the kids), so that is also weird. But in a really great way.

So what's the catch? Because there's always one. And in this case, more than one. First, I'm not entirely sure he even wants a girlfriend. I know he cares about me, but he often seems a tad confused as to how this whole thing happened (but sometimes so am I). He's 10 years older than me (not an issue), never married (no problem there), doesn't want kids (potential issue), and just doesn't seem into relationships (red flag!). For now, we're good, but I worry a lot at 3 am if this means I am setting myself up for serious heartbreak. Next catch, work and the "work girlfriend". She doesn't know about us and while I am not exactly eager for the whole office to be gossiping about us, it bothers me that he hasn't mentioned it to his closest friend. Third catch, me. I'm trying SO hard not to be my naturally insecure, emotional, obsessing-over-every-word self. Generally I succeed, but not always, and even when I manage to keep it all together and act like the independent, confident, rational girl I know I should be, the end result is a lot of inner angst carefully kept hidden. So while I may be (relatively) even-keeled around him, at 3 am (and most of the rest of the time I'm not with him), I'm freaking out. About the future, about the work chick, about my sanity.

So stay tuned on that one.

3. I survived my first year as a single mom and almost-divorcee. The year was up on Feb. 7, but given that exH was moping about after breaking up with the cheatee (he being the cheater) and seemed borderline suicidal for a bit there, I decided not to mention it at the time. But we've finally started the process of filing for divorce and it's hard to hide my excitement. I feel mean being so eager to get it all over with, but I am desperate to get out of Limbo World and move ahead. Except there's a catch here, too. (I told you, there always is.) ExH and I are both broke. And while I am merely broke, he's in a whole lot of debt. It makes him a stressed out mess, which he then turns on me, and it is so not fun. But since we can't sell our freaking house for enough to pay off the mortgage, the only thing I can think of to do is to let him move back in. Yes, here. With me. On a separate floor! But still, here.

It makes me queasy just to think about it. You know how your stomach lurches when the pilot takes the plane down a little too fast? That's the feeling right there. I honestly don't know if that's a good decision for me or for Lulu and Boo, who are used to the way things are now. I don't know if I can stay sane and not end up hating exH again. My biggest accomplishment over the past 14 months was to accept where my marriage and life had ended up and stop hating him. Which I did! I really did! I was even able to survive 10 days of Snowpocalypse 2010 stuck in the house with him. While he was mopey and depressed about the cheatee. But a couple months of that? I don't know. I just might not be that good a person.

Stay tuned on more of that, as well.

I won't say it has been the best year of my life. But it sure wasn't the worst either. Limbo is a pretty accurate description of where I am right now. Definitely not married, but not quite single. Not a two-parent household, but not exactly a single mom. A new boyfriend ... sorta. I feel like some big changes are coming, but I don't know when or how. Hopefully, we'll move out of this place this year. Maybe just a few miles away, but maybe a lot further? I always wanted to be a California girl and Boo was born to be a surfer dude. Lulu is like me, she can adapt to anything, fit in anywhere. Except somewhere along the way, I forgot that I could do that. Seeing her (and me) over the past year reminded me that I can do anything ... but will I be brave enough to try?

Day 35

2009-11-23T21:28:00.000-05:00

I am exhausted. Boo is sick -- the dreaded h1n1 -- and so is exH. Lulu stayed home from school today, but she's OK. I am somehow not sick, at least not yet. I am going to be so upset if I am sick for our Disney trip next week!
So with the sick kids at home (and wow, is Boo whiny!) and craziness at work, it's been hard to focus on the happiness stuff. But here's what I've got ...

1. New Moon. Loved this movie! Not only did it provide a desperately needed escape from the house, but it so perfectly captured the heart of the book.

2. Christmas shopping: done! Boo's birthday is covered, too. It's so nice not to be racing around ordering at the last minute (and spending too much). Lulu and Boo will have a great Christmas and I didn't spend (much) more than I planned.

3. Starbucks' new Caramel Brulee Latte: Not quite as perfect as the beloved Gingerbread Latte, but very, very close.

4. Light Ranch dressing, which I have been scooping up on raw veggies by the cup-full.

5. Our new Christmas jammies: Lulu, Boo, and I all have matching red-and-white penguin pjs. How cute is that? I will be sad when they no longer think that's adorable.

Day 21: Fine, Be That Way!

2009-11-09T20:32:00.003-05:00

I gotta be honest. Happiness is in short supply these days. I'm not miserable, mind you, I'm just ... well ... fine. It's hard to blog about fine. Fine isn't exciting. Fine isn't surprising. Fine isn't insightful or moving or meaningful. It's, you know, FINE.

Though now that I think about it, I ought to be grateful for fine. Because a year ago? I was NOT FINE. I was miserable. Pretty much every day. I was sad and exhausted and depressed. My marriage was over, but no one could quite admit it (except, I'll bet, our marriage counselor, who was the least surprised person on earth when we separated). Work was overwhelming and stressful. I wasn't giving 100% to the kids, in fact, I barely even remember Boo's second birthday except that the ex and I had a particularly awful fight the night before. Last Christmas is a complete blur. Anyway. Fine isn't so bad now that I remember what it was like to be definitively NOT FINE.

Moving on ... since we're a bit lacking in moments of happiness right now, today we're going to focus instead on a few things that make me happy.

1. LOVE THIS!
I need to keep this at my desk and hand them out liberally. Not that I am a paragon of fashion or anything, but I work at a place where anything other than shorts/jeans with a t-shirt makes people wonder if you're interviewing.

2. Likewise this one. I could order these in bulk. Which might get me fired, but it would be so worth it!

3. Clarisonic Mia: http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P245414&cm_mmc=us_search-_-GoogleBase-_-P245414-_-1201904&_requestid=42976&ci_src=14110944&ci_sku=1201904

At my dentist's insistance, I bought a Sonicare toothbrush earlier this year. I was amazed at how much better my teeth looked and felt after just one use. The Clarisonic does the exact same thing for your face.

Day 13: It Could Be Worse!

2009-11-01T21:29:00.000-05:00

This is my motto for 2009 ... it could be worse. Because this has not been the best year of my life. Things have gone wrong. My marriage ended. Money has been in short supply. The real estate market continues to suck. I turned 35. Lulu started a new school. Boo had to adjust to not having her at his side every day. Work has been frustrating. We've all had to get used to a new schedule, earlier wake-up times, visits from Dad three times a week, and really, a whole new life.

But ... you know what? We HAVE adjusted, the bills are getting paid, life as a single mom turns out to not be all that different from life as a terminally unhappy wife of an uninterested, unengaged partner (actually, it's SO much better!), Lulu and Boo are both healthy, happy, and thriving in school, I have a job. I'm still 35, but aside from that, it's not so bad. And it could be a whole lot worse.

With that said, here are some recent moments of happiness ...

1. My bed. Shortly after exH moved out, I purchased a new mattress. All in all, I took the separation in stride -- the timing of it was a bit of a shock, but the fact of it was inevitable -- except for the bed. I could not sleep in that bed one more night. I went out one night and ordered my dream bed -- a luxurious king-size memory foam behemoth that took two very large men about half an hour to wrestle up a single flight of stairs. (It was cold you see, and memory foam in the cold becomes unfortunately brick-like in consistency.) I am still paying off the bed (24 months! no interest!), but I do not regret it for a moment. It's big enough for the three of us to snuggle in while watching cartoons, reading books, or having a little sleepover like we did last night. Not that I slept much, mind you, with Boo's feet stuck in my back, but there is something sweet and satisfying in a primitive sort of way about all of us sleeping in the same bed. Don't get me wrong -- I am very glad every one is back in their own beds tonight! -- but once in awhile, I can't resist.

2. Slinky. I bought Lulu and Boo Halloween-themed Slinkys at Target today on clearance. They loved them and seemed thrilled when I told them I had one as a little girl. It's fun when they embrace something I loved as a child (see below, The Little Prince).

3. Good friends. I am not great at friendship. It takes work and energy and as much as I love my friends, it's tough for me to summon up enough energy to reach out and carry my end of the relationship. I have lost so many wonderful friends over the years ... job changes, marriages, moves across the country, new babies all make it harder to stay in touch and as much as I hate myself for it, I just don't. Still, I am so lucky to have a few special friends who stay with me anyway. These are the kinds of people who, even when you don't talk to them for months or (yes it happens) years, still know you and can pick up right where you left off. There may be some catching up and filling in to do, but the core of the friendship is still solid. I called one of these friends the other night and just hearing her voice made me feel better. She knows me so well even though we only talk every few months and see each other once or twice a year. I caught up with another friend this afternoon and it was exactly the same. I was instantly at home with her, filling her in on the latest, chatting with her little daughter, who was once Lulu's best friend. I invited them over next weekend ... I hope we'll stay in touch more often than we have the past few years.

Day 9: The Problem With Blogging About Happiness

2009-10-28T20:27:00.000-04:00

Another not-so-happy day here, which is a problem when you're trying to blog about happiness because it feels a bit like failure and failure definitely does NOT make me happy! But while it was a stressful day, it wasn't all bad, I guess. Here were a few bright spots.

1. Preschoolers in costumes. I went to Boo's preschool Halloween event this morning. It involves about 20 2- to 5-year-olds in costume traipsing en masse around campus and gathering candy. Boo wore his very cute and cuddly dinosaur costume, despite earlier protests. Peer pressure can be a force for good -- once he saw his friends all dressed up, he popped on his little green hood and didn't say another word about it. Some of the kids had adorable homemade costumes -- an ice-cream cone, Max from Wild Things, one little boy was a "lost soul"! Boo's was store-bought and he couldn't have been cuter. Even with his ferocious dinosaur roar.

2. Coffee. Especially delicious, sugar-laden coffee like Caramel Macchiatos, Peppermint Mochas, and Gingerbread Lattes. A good coffee treat can't turn a bad day around, but it can make it a little more bearable.

3. Boo and Lulu's mutual admiration society. Yes, they fight and squabble and refuse to share and call each other names and on and on ... and on. But, they also share a room by choice, love each other more than anyone else except *maybe* me (on a good day), and now? They want "twin birthdays." Boo's birthday is 3 weeks before Christmas and Lulu's is 3 weeks after, and this year they want to celebrate with a joint party. Their dad thought this was crazy (likely scarred from life as the third of four kids), but it was their idea, not mine. They are in separate schools this year and miss each other terribly, so I think they just want to share the things they can.

4. Halloween candy. Boo scored some Red Hots today, which I promptly swiped. A rare find! Tootsie Rolls are also at the top of my list!

Day 7: Un-Happy Days

2009-10-26T20:17:00.000-04:00

I think the lesson of the day is that some days just aren't happy days. It's tough to find moments of joy in a day that began at 3 am, when I woke up to find Lulu throwing up in her bathroom, looking so sad and pathetic. I tucked her in to my bed, but neither of us went back to sleep. We watched "Little House on the Prairie" instead. I've read "Little House in the Big Woods" to Lulu and Boo, so she knew the characters enough to follow along and it distracted her for awhile. But soon enough, she got sick again, so no sleep. I packed Boo off to school (in tears because he had to ride with Nana instead of me, but Lulu was too sick to go in the car) in hopes that Lulu and I could finally sleep, but no luck. She eventually crashed, but I had calls for work and didn't get to rest.

My only true moment of happiness today? Lulu kept down the chicken soup I fed her for dinner, and maybe, just maybe, she will be able to go to school tomorrow. At the very least, I hope she sleeps through the night. For my sake and hers.

P.S. Just thought of one! "Gossip Girl" is on tonight! There, that's something.

Day 6

2009-10-25T20:35:00.000-04:00

Not even a week in and I've already missed a few days! It's been a busy weekend ... I had a date on Friday night and two tired little ones (resulting in a very tired mama) Saturday night. But let's get back on track with the happiness posts.

1. Good first dates. Jeff was very nice, sincere, and a good conversationalist. I liked him a lot, though I'm not sure there's any romantic attraction. But we have a lot in common and it was a fun first date, not at all awkward.

2. Fall festivals. A friend's son had his 5th birthday at a big festival today and despite some whining from Lulu, we had a great time. The highlight was the hayride -- a last-minute decision as we were heading out.

3. Freedom to skip out when we need to makes me happy (or at least less stressed!). We had plans to attend a Halloween party at Lulu's school last night, but it was rainy and miserable and both kids were tired, so we made the call to stay home. I felt bad because we had rsvp'd yes and I was looking forward to the kids getting to wear their costumes, but I don't think it would have gone well if I'd tried to force it.

4. Bengal Spice tea. I have been fighting off a cold the past week and a big mug of hot spiced tea with a generous squeeze of honey has been heavenly.

5. Naps. Lulu is a great napper -- she's almost 6 and still crashes for 2+ hours on the weekends. Boo, not so much. He usually fights naps to the point where he doesn't sleep at all, and believe me, he needs the rest! They slept beautifully both days this weekend -- and so did I!

6. Ambien. I don't take it often, and when I do, I cut the tiny little 10 mg pills in half, but every so often I need it and I am so glad to have it.

Day 3: Happiness in Unexpected Places

2009-10-22T17:02:00.001-04:00

People like to say that you learn something new every day, but let's be honest. Most days, you talk to the same people, drive along the same routes, and follow the same routine. Not a lot of opportunity for discovery there. So that's why new revelations delight me so much. Here are a few NEW things I've learned lately:

1. There is a little tab on the sides of the box of of Saran Wrap, aluminum foil, waxed paper, etc. If you push the tabs in, they hold the roll in place. Genius! How many years have I not known this?

2. Probably the same number of years that I have not known about the Rinse cycle on the dishwasher. I have had a dishwasher for, oh, the past 20 years, I bet, and I never noticed this. You can push it and (on mine at least) it rinses your dishes for 10 minutes. We only run the dishwasher a couple of times a week, so this keeps it from getting all smelly and crusty between uses. Also genuis!

3. No-water Chai. I love Starbucks Chai, but every so often it comes out all watery instead of yummy and spicy. Turns out you can order it without water ... voila! No water = no watery Chai!

Who knew happiness could come in such small, unexpected ways?

Day 2

2009-10-21T21:31:00.002-04:00

The thing about blogging about what made me happy every day (yeah, ok, it's only been two days, but go along with me here) is that I have already started to look for moments of happiness throughout the day so that I will have something to blog about. Now, I don't know that I'm any happier (again, it's only been two days!), but at least I'm thinking about it more.

Today was a bit challenging -- I'm fighting off a cold, I'm in a weird place at work where I'm both busy and bored. But here goes anyway.

1. Glee! What a weird, quirky show, but it's hilarious! And the name can't help but make you happy.

2. After another half-dozen chapters, Lulu is completely entranced with The Little Prince. "I loooooooove it, mommy!" I forgot how advanced the concepts are, but she's just taking it all in. We just finished the chapter about the king who has no one to command.

3. Boo's biannual assessment came home today in advance of his parent-teacher conference. He won't be 3 until Dec., but they used the 3-5 skills assessment and little one rocked it! I am so proud of how smart and social and adaptable he is ... believe me, he gets all the credit for those skills!

4. I have a date! I have no expectations -- it's just a first date, after all -- but it's nice to be officially dating again. Dates are fun! Nerve-wracking and potentially awkward, sure, but going out, meeting someone new ... that's fun.

5. I lost my wallet at Starbucks. Again. Yes, the same Starbucks. And, thankfully, it was turned in with all the cash and credit cards. Honest people make me happy. As do Starbucks baristas who now know me as the wallet girl and offered me my own cubby for the next time I leave something behind. :)

My Year of Happiness: Day 1

2009-10-20T20:20:00.001-04:00

5 Things That Made Me Happy Today

1. Boo dressed himself! Since the morning routine with him has been a battle the past few weeks, I am grateful any time I don't have to shove flailing limbs into jeans and long-sleeve Ts.

2. I was able to give some actual advice to a colleague I mentor at work. My company assigns mentors somewhat haphazardly, so I was lucky to get two smart, capable, interesting women assigned to me. They are pretty talented, so anytime I feel like I've actually helped them is an accomplishment!

3. Lulu liked a book I chose! I took a chance and pulled out one of my all-time favorite books, The Little Prince, to read at bedtime tonight. Usually, she rejects my choices simply because they were not her choices. But tonight? She cuddled close and hung on every word. We read three chapters and she pleaded for more! I am so thrilled, especially since the new pop-up version of the book is on my "possible" list for Christmas or her birthday.

4. The American Girl holiday catalog arrived in the mail today! Lulu and Boo are both American Girl fans, but I think I love the dolls more than they do.

5. Cuddling with Boo at bedtime. I am incredibly grateful that at 5 and 2, Lulu and Boo's favorite thing in the world is being with me.

and a bonus ...
Today, at least, Lulu and Boo are both healthy. I'm always grateful for that, of course, but with H1N1 swirling about, I am sincerely thankful for every day that they are OK.

I'm Back! ... Again!

2009-10-20T14:28:00.000-04:00

For real this time! But with a new plan for keeping this blog updated and forcing myself to write regularly. Ready?

My Year of Happiness
Here's the plan ... the Happiness Experts/Gurus insist that a big part of being happy is focusing on happy things. Sounds good, right? And if it's really just a bunch of bs, well, it certainly can't hurt, can it? So every day, I'm going to blog about things that made me happy that day. Starting ... now.

I'm Back!

2009-06-29T13:47:00.001-04:00

I had this flash of genius this weekend -- I should start a blog! You know, to capture all the cute things Lulu and Boo say and do and my random thoughts and musings so one day I could embarrass them with a glossy coffee table book of their lives. So I logged on to Blogger and, um, well, it turns out I have a blog! Clearly, my memory is going.

Anyway ...

Lulu and Boo enjoy renaming themselves (and me) from time to time. A few months ago, out of nowhere, they informed me they would be known as Carlos and Daisy from now on. I still haven't figured out where they came up with those names, but they have stuck. Then just last week, Boo woke up early, crawled up into bed with me, and declared sleepily that he was a silver monster and I was a white monster (Lulu is a pink monster, of course). "Why am I a white monster?" I asked. "Because I wub you!" he cried. That is good enough for me.

Oh, please!

2008-08-18T14:54:00.000-04:00

I try to teach my children manners, but it's tough. I am a pretty casual person -- I don't really notice whether someone says please or thank you, as long as they are nice about it. So I am not as strict with Lulu and Boo on this front as I probably should be, though now that Lulu has gone crazy and isn't all that nice much of the time, I have cracked down on please. She'll snap "Mama, I want to quit you" and I simply respond patiently with "Don't you mean, 'I want to quit you, please'?" That does not go over well.

Boo, who at 20 months misses nothing has noticed the power of please and adapted it for his own purposes. This weekend at nap time, I rocked him and gently said, "OK, Boo, time for nap!" He shook his little head no and said "play?" I said no and he thought for a moment and piped up "please?" He added in the baby sign for good measure. It's seriously cute, and Boo has me completely wrapped around his finger, but I resisted and plopped him in the crib anyway. He was not, um, pleased.

He persists with his new word, though. The kid is definitely determined. He tacks on an earnest "please?" to every little baby demand, from more cookies to more kisses, and at least for the latter, he is happily rewarded.

Things I Love This Week

2008-08-14T20:32:00.000-04:00

1. The Wonder Pets, because Lulu and Boo LOVE the Wonder Pets, especially Ming Ming the duckling. It keeps them occupied during that crucial half-hour before bed when everyone, including me, is tired and cranky (and then Lulu gets one extra episode while I get Boo to sleep). And there is nothing cuter than when I sing "What's gonna work?" and baby Boo shouts out "Teamwork!"

2. The Twilight series, because I haven't gotten as completely absorbed in a book since Harry Potter. I read all four books in 8 days. Edward vs. Jacob. Vampires vs. Werewolves. What's not to love? It's an utterly fascinating world. Oh, and ignore the reviews that say Breaking Dawn is over the top. Who picks up a book about vampires and expects it to be realistic? It's fantasy!

3. My new iPhone, because it's neat. Yeah, I know everyone loves their iPhone, but so what? I never claimed to be original.