New World Order, Day 1: Success!

Today was an easy day, a gimme, really. I got to work about an hour later than usual, went for coffee with R, which ate up another hour as I poured out the whole shameful weekend saga, then was in meetings for two more hours before leaving early for the day to take Lulu and Boo to their ice skating lesson. So not too much time in there to fret about P. He did stop by to say hello as I was heading off to a meeting -- the perfect brief, but happy encounter to set the tone for the week.

Mondays are my night with Lulu and Boo, so no swimming, but I'm planning to go tomorrow and Thursday, plus once over the weekend. So all in all, it was an excellent first day in the NWO. Tomorrow brings another flurry of meetings so I am hopeful of another day of smooth sailing.


And the winners are ... 

I know you are all dying to know which paint colors I chose for the new house. OK, so you've forgotten all about that in all the P-related insanity, but not me! When it comes to obsessing, I am the queen of all multi-taskers!

Living room: Benjamin Moore Lido Green (a soft robin's egg blue) walls with a Crystal Blue ceiling. Here are some photos to give you an idea. (Lido Green is the first one.)

My bedroom: White walls (gasp! for the first time ever!) with C2 Bella Donna (smoky lavender gray) on the ceiling.

Lulu and Boo's rooms haven't changed -- Benjamin Moore Cat's Meow for her and Golden Honey for Boo. Both will have Crystal Blue on the ceiling. Restoration Hardware Cappuccino for my bathroom, and Benjamin Moore Super White semigloss on the trim throughout the house.

All that's left undecided is their bathroom and the kitchen. For their bath, I am thinking of mixing together the 7 or 8 pint samples of various aquas I tested. I can't bear to toss all that lovely paint and I bet the mixed-up color would be gorgeous! The kitchen is going to wait until my sister comes out to visit. She offered to help me paint the cabinets, so the walls will wait until I can coordinate the cabinet and wall colors with the existing granite countertops (which are a nice sandy color, which will fit my beach theme nicely).

I can't wait to see everything put together!

Startling Realization and a P.S.

Here's the problem with blogging. It's a permanent record. And after P said yesterday that he feels like we're always in crisis mode lately, I decided to man up and check the transcript, as it were. I read every blog post about P and he's right. I have blogged nearly every week about some problem I have with him ... he's not into me ... he doesn't IM me during the week ... we're lacking a deeper connection ... angst about WW ... more angst about WW ... etc.

Wow. That's pretty brutal when you look at it from P's perspective -- regardless of whether my concerns were justified (I think a few were legit, most were overblown) -- that's a lot of "we need to talk" moments for one fledgling relationship.

So here's the postscript ... I'm going to try to post once a day for the next few weeks, even if it's just a line or two, to track the progress of my New World Order pledge. Am I managing my relationship anxieties? Following through on giving P (and me) some breathing room? Getting enough sleep? Swimming 3 times a week? Making time for other friends?

And just to be clear ... I am doing these things for ME, not to make P happy. I do suspect that if I can keep myself balanced, P and I just might be OK (and I'm certain that if I can't, we won't), but no matter what happens with him, I need to make sure I am keeping myself sane.

The New World Order Starts Now

P and I had a tough night last night. We talked (a lot), argued (a bit), decided to break it off (twice), I left and came back (once), cried (way too much), and somewhere in there had a wonderful evening listening to music and laughing  together despite everything. P even played his old band's CD for me for the first time despite many previous requests.

Ultimately, after lots of tears and back and forth, P said he didn't want to end it, he just wanted to change the dynamics and reduce the drama. I think it might be too late, but because I've never been one to walk away when there's still a glimmer of possibility, I decided to give it one more shot, understanding much more clearly where my boundaries (and his) are right now. Like, neither of us want a relationship that has more drama than fun; we both have a lot of stress and pressure in our lives and if we are going to continue dating, it needs to be a positive force in both our lives. Like, he promises to always be honest with me about how he feels (about me and about other women in his life), but he doesn't agree to be interrogated endlessly about them, Like, I may not be entirely comfortable with or fully understand those unusually close female friends, but as long as they are just friends and not affecting our relationship, then it's not fair for me to ask him to give them up.

Sounds great, right? I've been here before -- profound epiphany! followed by a return right back to the same old hamster wheel. So what am I going to change to give this a shot at success?

1. Dial back the intensity. Stop seeing P during the week (at least as a rule, I'm sure there will be the occasional weeknight happy hour or dinner, but not every week). He's used to a little more time to himself than he's been getting and while he says he's happy to see me anytime, I now see that it can get to be too much, especially when work is particularly busy. And I need to get refocused on making time for myself -- to swim, see friends, go to a movie, whatever. Part of my balance issues lately definitely revolve around too much time away from home and too many late nights. So I'm going to work on correcting that so I can be at my best for my kids, at my job, and when I see P.


2. Get real about the relationship. I'm hoping that getting more exercise and more sleep will also help me regain some much-needed perspective on what P is and what he can be to me. P is not my forever guy. Repeat: P is not my forever guy. I've said it before, but now I need to work on believing it. P does not want to get married. P likes kids, but does not want to be a father or stepfather. And while I am prepared to accept P's complicated friendships while we're dating, they do add just enough unease to my feelings for him that it will probably keep me from getting as close to him as I could otherwise. But on the other hand, P and I do genuinely care for each other and we have a lot of fun together. And I am in no way ready for my forever guy. P knows all of this and understands. He has seen me at my worst and still wants me. Ultimately, I think maybe I will become another one of his unusually close female friends, and you know what, that might be kind of nice.

3. Rinse, repeat, and refocus. The only way this works is if I actually follow through. AND if I find something else to focus my obsessiveness on. My psyche right now is like a particularly dangerous neighborhood, complete with abandoned buildings, busted-out cars, and random gunfire -- you don't want to go there at all, and especially not at night. So I've got to give my brain something else to do ... blog, read, work, memorize poetry ... anything other than THINK. I particularly need something to do at work when seedy thoughts start to lurk around on the street corners looking for a fight. Any suggestions?

Oh readers, when will I learn? Drinking + serious conversations with P = a mess. Last night, I went out for drinks with P and another coworker, B. We had a great time, but P and I both drank too much. I had decided to hold off on talking to him about the WW situation for another time, but of course once we got back to his place, I blurted out the whole thing, sobbing. P tried to comfort me and said all the right things in terms of how he feels about her and how he feels about me -- and I believed him -- but I don't know if it's enough. He's not going to stop spending all that time with her (and yes, she did go with him to get his hair cut) and even though I believe that there is nothing romantic going on, it's not going to hurt any less to know he's doing all those things with her and not me.

R asked an interesting question -- would I be as upset if WW were a guy? -- and I have to admit that it wouldn't bother me as much. And if we didn't work together, I might never even know she existed. They don't hang out or even talk on nights and weekends, so it would probably not even be a factor if I didn't see him during the day.

I still don't know what I am going to do. I left last night in tears amid kisses and apologies from P, who seemed genuinely shocked and sorry that the haircut thing had hurt me so much. I told him when I left that I would try to deal with it and we made tentative plans for the weekend. But I don't know if I can.

One the one hand, I do believe him that the relationship is platonic. He obviously has the right to have friends other than me, and they have a 7-year history of getting lunch together and going to the gym and, apparently, getting haircuts together. I believe him when he says he is not choosing her over me, but just doing what they've always done. He certainly spends plenty of time with me, too. I believe him when he says there is room for both of us in his life.

On the other hand, it hurts to see them together and it hurts that he is doing things with her that I think he should be doing with me  and I don't know how to not hurt over it. I know that if I can't find a way to change my feelings about the situation that it will take over our relationship. I don't want to keep having the same conversation over and over again.

He did say last night that we needed to talk once we were sober, but I don't know what else to ask to help me understand and accept. He has said repeatedly that there is no sexual or romantic aspect to their relationship. He said that if she were to leave her husband tomorrow, he would not be interested that kind of relationship with her. He said he loves me and that I am not his second choice. He is sorry he hurt me. He doesn't want me to leave. What else should I ask?

Second Prize

Yesterday brought another (perhaps minor) incident with P and WW yesterday -- he was going for a haircut, I strongly suspect (but don't know for sure) that she went with him. It bothered me a lot. I mean, isn't that a little weird? A little ... personal? But then I stopped to think about it, and R and I sometimes run errands together. In fact, just recently I asked him if he wanted to come with me on a quick trip downtown. I don't think anything of that, so how is this different? I want to ask him about it, but haven't because, I finally realized that ultimately, the haircut trip isn't what matters. Neither do the coffee runs or daily lunches. That's their routine and has been for years. I knew going in that nothing was going to change about that.

But after a few tears and lots of 5 am pondering, I realized what DOES matter: WW is P's "person". The person he shares things with and confides in. He shares with and confides in me, too, but I'm not his first stop. Whether or not their relationship is or ever has been romantic or physical, it's undeniably emotional. No matter how much he cares about me, I come second. When she's not around during the week, he is constantly asking me to coffee and lunch; the minute she's back, I cease to exist. And ultimately, that's not what I want. I want to be P's person and if that position is already filled, well, then I want open myself up to be that person for someone else someday.

So what to do? Right now -- today -- nothing. I need to sit with this for awhile until I am sure. Sure that this is not about feeding some crazy drama cycle, trying to get P to fight for me, to prove that I really do matter. Because I know he won't fight. He'll just calmly listen and then let me go. It can't be about getting something from him. It has to be about making the right decision for me, for good.

47 ... 14 ... 3

I'm still struggling this week. With balance, with identity, with what I want ...  it has been 16 months to the day since exH moved out, and some days it seems like I have come so far only to feel on other days that I am even more adrift than I was back then. Thankfully, the day-to-day feelings of hopelessness and sadness that came from living in a failed marriage are gone, along with the constant fear of exH's temper.

But in their place are a different sort of hopelessness and fear. Fear that I will fail Lulu and Boo -- and myself -- in some way, whether it be emotionally, financially, or professionally. Fear that I have already or will warp their ideas about relationships, either through the divorce or by bringing the wrong people into their lives ... or perhaps worse, by not modeling a healthy relationship at all. Hopelessness that where I am right now -- house poor, relationship-challenged, professionally unsatisfied -- is where I will always be.

Of course, I know things will change. The girl I was at 25 is incredibly different from whom I am at 35, so 45-year-old me still has a fighting chance. I think about P, who tells me he was broke, unemployed, and nearing the end of a 10-year relationship when he was 35. Today at 45, he is near the top of the company we work for and has enough money saved not to have to worry about the future. And he has me -- whether or not that's ultimately a good thing for him, I don't know -- but he can't say he isn't loved and wanted.


Here are a few changes I am looking forward to (and counting down to) ...

In 47 days ...
I close on the new house. And about a week later, I'll finally have a place of my own again.

In 14 days ...
The divorce will be final.

In 3 years ...
I will find a real job. This is a new deadline I am setting for myself. In three years, I want to have a new job, in a career I am excited about, at a company where I want to stay. I am fortunate to have a job now that pays me decently, if not enough, allows me a very liberal schedule, and where I have been long enough that barring something extreme, I am very unlikely to be fired or laid off. If the recent crisis didn't do it, then I am probably OK. But it doesn't fulfill me in any meaningful way, and it isn't where I want to spend the next 25 years. Why wait three years and not start looking today? I figure I need about three years to settle into the new house, get my feet back under me financially, and most important, get Boo settled into school. And it may take three years to figure out exactly what it is I want to do.  So June 2013, I've got you circled in red.

Your weekly musings on P
As per usual (a P saying), I am still confused about P. Where we are or aren't going, whether it is good or bad that he is my escape, what I am discovering about who I am in a relationship. We had a pretty nice week, spending some or all of 5 out of 7 days together. Sometimes I can relax and enjoy the time with him without worrying about the future, while other days the lack of a future gnaws away at me. I don't know for sure how he feels and I doubt he does, either. I do know (if I don't always remember) that whatever happens, I will come out of this much better than I went in. Either it lasts and we're happy or it doesn't, and though I will be sad then, I have learned so much about myself through this. I have seen so clearly many of the destructive patterns I played out in previous relationships and I've gotten the chance to practice correcting them. Most important, I've learned how to love someone without letting them take over my life. And I will always be thankful to him for all of this.

The Color of Happiness

I'm happy ... I think. I mean, I'm getting everything I want. ... right? New house, good job, great kids, great guy ... I'm happy about all of these things. So why is it so hard to actually BE happy? To not complain, analyze, and obsess over everything that isn't going right and just appreciate and embrace what is? Instead, I find myself struggling with this new life, to find the right balance between mom, co-parent, employee, and girlfriend. It often feels that I'm letting someone down no matter what I do ... Lulu and Boo cry when I go out with P; exH is frustrated that I can't take more time off from work when Lulu and Boo are home sick or school is closed; when I take time off work, my chances at promotions and raises suffer. I haven't seen any of my friends in weeks. P goes with the flow, thankfully, and seems content with the time I can be with him.

Last night, I decided I wanted to sleep at P's. It's not something I do often, and I've never done it when Lulu and Boo are home. But I desperately wanted a break from being always on (even on exH's nights, I'm still the one who gets up when Boo cries and the one who gets woken up at 7 sharp by both kids), and selfishly, I wanted to spend the night with my boyfriend. It wasn't worth it. Lulu was so upset that she cried most of the evening, leaving two sobbing messages on my voice mail. Talk about buzz kill! I felt so guilty that I spent half an hour crying on P's balcony. P isn't great when I am upset, but he tried. Still, the night was kind of ruined and today wasn't much better, though we got through it ok. I'm glad P and I can work through these things, but I wish we didn't have to. And I can't help but worry that at some point, he won't want to anymore.

One thing that has made me happy lately is pondering paint colors for the new house. I take paint colors very seriously, much to P's chagrin (though I did give him a gorgeous green to use in the condo he's selling!). I own four Benjamin Moore paint decks and another from Restoration Hardware. I can rattle off every paint color I've ever used in the houses I've owned. I can't decide which would be my dream job: to create the paint colors or to name them. I love paint colors (if not the actual painting!).

I've spent at least 10 hours so far pouring over paint chips to find the perfect colors for each room. Lulu and Boo have chosen their colors (BM Cat's Meow and Golden Honey, respectfully) and I know I want a pale aqua for the living room/dining room. I've tried out three so far but haven't settled on the right one just yet. The kitchen will be either BM Desert Tan or RH Butter. I need to get back into the house to check my swatches against the cabinets and granite. My bathroom will be RH Cappuccino (mainly because I bought a gallon a year and a half ago that I never used). My bedroom still isn't settled ... perhaps a light green (BM Pale Sea Mist, the color I recommended to P, and which is currently in my kitchen, or it's color strip neighbor, Dill Pickle) or fresh white. I am dying to use a color from C2 called Bella Donna (a cross between lilac and gray ... the exact color of the sky at twilight), but it's a big risk ... we're talking 200 square feet of purple.

What are your favorite paint colors? Here are a few (more) of mine ...

BM August Morning -- stunning, but it only works in a sunny room ... ask me how I know

BM Pale Sea Mist -- the perfect light green with a touch of yellow, looks lovely with warm wood tones, gorgeous with red accents (and wow does it NOT look like that chip!)

BM Bird's Egg (left), Palladian Blue, Robin's Nest, Jamaican Aqua (center), and Sweet Dreams (right) -- all stunning shades of aqua, but none are quite right for the new place. Boo's room right now is Jamaican Aqua and I love it!

BM St Martin Sand -- warm taupey brown, neutral but a color, hard to describe but beautiful!


BM Olive Branch -- this was in my old master bedroom and I loved it ... hmm, may need to add this to the list for the new master bedroom. Rosemary Sprig is one color strip over and is also pretty.

RH Sea Green -- lovely muted blue-green that is in my room right now (but alas, still not quite what I have in mind for the new place)