Read This Book!

While my highlights were being touched up last week, I browsed through Women's Health magazine, which is surprisingly decent. It reminds me of Shape. As I was flipping through, one of those "analyze your relationship style" articles caught my eye. Its bullet-point summary of the "anxious attachment style" nailed me perfectly. And the "avoidant" style was so clearly P. Turns out the article was an excerpt of a book called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love. I whipped out my phone and immediately ordered the Kindle edition.



I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that I've read more than a few relationship books in an attempt to sort out all my various issues. And while I can find elements of any approach that speak to me, this book is the first one that seemed to get it right.

I won't try to summarize the book as I'd never do it justice. It's a quick read, written very clearly and with lots of concrete examples and clear advice, so I really recommend that you check it out if you have any concerns about your relationship "style". Here are just a few things that jumped out to me...

What I liked best about it is that there is no blame, no talk of emotional unavailability, etc. Your "attachment style" (anxious, avoidant, or secure) is part of your core make-up and isn't easily changed. All you can do is learn how to recognize where it fails you and adapt.

Once I understood my style and P's, it confirmed a few things I've suspected about our relationship. First, we think about the relationship completely differently, which sometimes creates misunderstandings. Second, even though we are totally different, we complement each other in an odd (and potentially unhealthy) way. In fact, the anxious-avoidant pairing is very common. And finally, some of the things about P that make me question his feelings for me actually have nothing to do with me at all. He would be the same with any partner.

There's no cure here, at least not if I stay with P. (According to the authors, I'd do better with someone in the secure or mildly anxious category.) If the book's premise is true, many if not all of the issues P and I have will never be resolved. For instance, he will likely never feel 100% comfortable expressing his feelings for me and I will probably never stop wishing he would. We can only improve our understanding of each other's needs and learn to better communicate them. I'll let you know how it goes!