Letting Go

ExH and I are currently finalizing our divorce agreement and it has been tough. Stressful, tense, scary, and all-around unpleasant. Money discussions with exH are especially tense, mainly because neither of us really has any. But as awful as it has been to work out this agreement, I fully realize that it could be so much worse. At least we CAN talk about it, even if we have to take frequent "I hate you right this moment and cannot be rational" breaks to get it done. So far there have been no lawyers involved, except to guide us through the actual filing process. We haven't dragged our kids into it. As far as these things go, I have to believe we are about as amicable as possible.

That's also the problem. I am moving on with my life. I'm happy with P, happy living on my own, happy not being married to exH anymore. ExH on the other hand, is not moving on. I'm not sure that he wants to be back together, but he definitely wants and expects a closer relationship than I do. I'm content to be friendly and pleasant, but I don't really want to be friends. He still considers me his best friend.

I've been struggling with him to set the right boundaries for our new relationship. Or, more to the point, I set them and he constantly oversteps them. Which forces me to push back, and I know it often comes across as bitchy. This is definitely something we're going to have to work out if he moves in.

I've been puzzled as to why we're in such different places ... we were both miserable in the marriage, after all, and we both readily agreed that separating was the right decision. So why can't he let go? Then, last night I had dinner with my only divorced friend, K. She explained it perfectly when she said that abuse and neglect and infidelity kill love. I can't say I was an angel, especially once exH's drinking/verbal abuse cycle really heated up, but I sure as hell never beat him down the way he did me. I made a lot of mistakes, but mine were all minor and they were not "love killers". He even admitted that a few months ago when he pointed out that I stood by him for years, tried to get him help and make things better, while he repaid me in anger and disdain.

It's sad to see him struggle with letting go, but I hope he can, because that is the only way we will ever be the kind of friends he'd like us to be.

Baggage, Baby

Last night, I went to see P, and he casually mentioned something critical that someone in his group said about a presentation I had given at work the day before. The comment infuriated me because I have a long history of not getting along with several people in that group but I thought I had finally gotten past it. I was frustrated and got upset with P because I felt like he should have defended me to his colleague. He of all people should have known I wouldn't have intentionally insulted his group! I started to cry, and he left the room, which made me feel even worse.

The drama queen in me was dying to just walk out and go home. And a few years ago? That's exactly what I would have done, followed by a tearful plea for forgiveness a few days later. But I'd already had a few drama-tinged moments with P and as a result, we'd had a shaky few weeks. My uncertainty over how he felt about me and what exactly we were doing made me feel insecure and uneasy, and I got so anxious about it all that I broke up with him a couple weeks ago. It only lasted a week, and things already felt back to normal, but the issues that caused my anxiety hadn't really been resolved, either. And last night they came flooding back ... why didn't he care that I was upset? did he have feelings for me at all? So I got up to leave, but it hit me that if I did, not only would I be doing possibly permanent damage, but I still wouldn't know how he felt and where I stood. And all over a comment that he didn't even make, just reported.

So I splashed some water on my face, took some deep breaths, and went out to talk to him. It was probably the best, most honest conversation we've had since we first started dating. I'm so glad I didn't leave.

Dating after divorce is hard. You can't help but bring along baggage from the marriage, along with any pre-marriage issues. I love P for who he is, but I am also incredibly grateful for everything that I am learning about myself being with him. I see so clearly now so many of the mistakes I made in past relationships and I see myself starting to make them again. Only now, I'm (sometimes) able to stop and change course. It's incredibly empowering to see that I just might be able to get out of the damaging patterns I was in before, dump some of that worn out baggage, and do it better this time.

Today, P came out to lunch with me, Lulu, and Boo. It was the first time he'd met them, and it was something I'd spent a lot of time thinking about. It took three months for me to be ready. I wanted to be sure that he was going to be around for awhile before I introduced them, and if I'm honest, I also worried that he wouldn't like the mom side of me as much as the rest. So today could have been a huge, pressure-filled event. Except, it wasn't at all. I invited him without thinking too much about it and after a brief hesitation on his part, it all worked out just fine.

The Secret to a Happy Divorce

ExH and I, 95% of the time, get along pretty well. It took a few months after he moved out, but we got to a good place where we could not only tolerate each other, we actually like each other again. We share cute stories about the kids and go out for birthday dinners as a family. He's been supportive of my dating again; I listened to his breakup woes and even offered advice on winning the cheatee back. So that's 95% of the time. The other 5%? Well, we act a lot like I imagine every other divorced or separated couple does. We fight over money. We get on each other's nerves. Right now, as we try to come to some agreement on our divorce filing, I kinda hate him and I'm sure my spot on his list of favorite people is in jeopardy.

Still, I have had so many people marvel over how "good" we are at all this. Friends and coworkers who've gotten divorced (and some who I suspect are pondering it) frequently quiz me, trying to uncover our secrets. But you know what? The only real secret is that I don't love him anymore. The cheating? Awful to discover, but likely the best gift he ever gave me. Because for years, I wanted out but was too scared to leave. I worried about money, and thought I had to stick it out for the kids. You see, my father died when I was 8 and I couldn't bring myself to make a choice that would take my kids away from their dad. But when he cheated, he made the choice for me and there was no going back. And as much as I hate what he did, I am also profoundly grateful. He gave me a way out. And while I don't love him anymore, I owe him some thanks for the little shred of hope I now have that my future is going to be so much better than I could have imagined a few years ago when I felt trapped in a miserable marriage.

Day 128?

Ok, so the blogging about happiness project didn't go so well. Alas, because it worked so well for this chick. She got a book out of it and everything. On the plus side, it'll be a lot easier to keep up with the blog if I'm not trying to write about something I'm actually not all that good at. I mean, I'm not an *unhappy* person (at least I don't think I am), but I'm not a peppy bubbly cheerleader type either. Even when I was an actual cheerleader, I wasn't really the cheerleader type.

So we've got some catching up to, don't we? Here's what's happened in the past, oh, 90ish days ...

1. I took Lulu and Boo to Disney World. By myself. For a week. A very, very long week that somehow ended much too quickly. It was tough, I'm not going to lie. Airports, hotel rooms, long lines, restaurants ... it's a lot of kid-wrangling for one parent. But they loved it, and I didn't lose either of them -- not even for a second -- so I think it was a success. But we're not going back until Boo is at least 5 and/or no longer needs a stroller. You try hauling a double stroller and two kids on a crowded WDW bus at 8 pm when everyone is overtired and overstimulated.

2. I met a guy. Well, not a new guy, a guy I'd worked with for nearly five years, but never really gotten to know. And what I did know about him I did NOT like. I would go so far as to say HATED. And on top of that, I was fairly certain (along with a decent percentage of my coworkers) that he was having a long-term affair with another woman we work with. Who is married. Frankly, I'm still not 100% sure what the deal is there. So you can see why I hadn't given him any consideration as dating material. Totally understandable, right? But we got to talking one afternoon and what should have been a quick, half-hour chat over coffee turned into a couple hours, then a drink a few weeks later, then a bit of (ok, slightly wine-fueled) flirting at the company holiday party ... and three months later, here we are.

But I'm not sure where "here" is, to be honest. I adore this guy. He's smart and goofy and has the second-most-beautiful blue eyes ever (Boo's are still the best). We have just as much fun going out for dinner as we do hanging out at his place watching tv. We don't fight. And best of all, when we're actually together, he has this weird calming effect on me. Like he actually lowers my blood pressure. Which is really odd considering how long he had the exact opposite effect on me at work. But now when I'm with him, I'm relaxed and happy and not obsessive and worried. The funny thing is that I'm often so calm around him that I fall asleep! And I usually can't sleep around other people (including the kids), so that is also weird. But in a really great way.

So what's the catch? Because there's always one. And in this case, more than one. First, I'm not entirely sure he even wants a girlfriend. I know he cares about me, but he often seems a tad confused as to how this whole thing happened (but sometimes so am I). He's 10 years older than me (not an issue), never married (no problem there), doesn't want kids (potential issue), and just doesn't seem into relationships (red flag!). For now, we're good, but I worry a lot at 3 am if this means I am setting myself up for serious heartbreak. Next catch, work and the "work girlfriend". She doesn't know about us and while I am not exactly eager for the whole office to be gossiping about us, it bothers me that he hasn't mentioned it to his closest friend. Third catch, me. I'm trying SO hard not to be my naturally insecure, emotional, obsessing-over-every-word self. Generally I succeed, but not always, and even when I manage to keep it all together and act like the independent, confident, rational girl I know I should be, the end result is a lot of inner angst carefully kept hidden. So while I may be (relatively) even-keeled around him, at 3 am (and most of the rest of the time I'm not with him), I'm freaking out. About the future, about the work chick, about my sanity.

So stay tuned on that one.

3. I survived my first year as a single mom and almost-divorcee. The year was up on Feb. 7, but given that exH was moping about after breaking up with the cheatee (he being the cheater) and seemed borderline suicidal for a bit there, I decided not to mention it at the time. But we've finally started the process of filing for divorce and it's hard to hide my excitement. I feel mean being so eager to get it all over with, but I am desperate to get out of Limbo World and move ahead. Except there's a catch here, too. (I told you, there always is.) ExH and I are both broke. And while I am merely broke, he's in a whole lot of debt. It makes him a stressed out mess, which he then turns on me, and it is so not fun. But since we can't sell our freaking house for enough to pay off the mortgage, the only thing I can think of to do is to let him move back in. Yes, here. With me. On a separate floor! But still, here.

It makes me queasy just to think about it. You know how your stomach lurches when the pilot takes the plane down a little too fast? That's the feeling right there. I honestly don't know if that's a good decision for me or for Lulu and Boo, who are used to the way things are now. I don't know if I can stay sane and not end up hating exH again. My biggest accomplishment over the past 14 months was to accept where my marriage and life had ended up and stop hating him. Which I did! I really did! I was even able to survive 10 days of Snowpocalypse 2010 stuck in the house with him. While he was mopey and depressed about the cheatee. But a couple months of that? I don't know. I just might not be that good a person.

Stay tuned on more of that, as well.

I won't say it has been the best year of my life. But it sure wasn't the worst either. Limbo is a pretty accurate description of where I am right now. Definitely not married, but not quite single. Not a two-parent household, but not exactly a single mom. A new boyfriend ... sorta. I feel like some big changes are coming, but I don't know when or how. Hopefully, we'll move out of this place this year. Maybe just a few miles away, but maybe a lot further? I always wanted to be a California girl and Boo was born to be a surfer dude. Lulu is like me, she can adapt to anything, fit in anywhere. Except somewhere along the way, I forgot that I could do that. Seeing her (and me) over the past year reminded me that I can do anything ... but will I be brave enough to try?

Day 35

I am exhausted. Boo is sick -- the dreaded h1n1 -- and so is exH. Lulu stayed home from school today, but she's OK. I am somehow not sick, at least not yet. I am going to be so upset if I am sick for our Disney trip next week!
So with the sick kids at home (and wow, is Boo whiny!) and craziness at work, it's been hard to focus on the happiness stuff. But here's what I've got ...

1. New Moon. Loved this movie! Not only did it provide a desperately needed escape from the house, but it so perfectly captured the heart of the book.

2. Christmas shopping: done! Boo's birthday is covered, too. It's so nice not to be racing around ordering at the last minute (and spending too much). Lulu and Boo will have a great Christmas and I didn't spend (much) more than I planned.

3. Starbucks' new Caramel Brulee Latte: Not quite as perfect as the beloved Gingerbread Latte, but very, very close.

4. Light Ranch dressing, which I have been scooping up on raw veggies by the cup-full.

5. Our new Christmas jammies: Lulu, Boo, and I all have matching red-and-white penguin pjs. How cute is that? I will be sad when they no longer think that's adorable.

Day 21: Fine, Be That Way!

I gotta be honest. Happiness is in short supply these days. I'm not miserable, mind you, I'm just ... well ... fine. It's hard to blog about fine. Fine isn't exciting. Fine isn't surprising. Fine isn't insightful or moving or meaningful. It's, you know, FINE.

Though now that I think about it, I ought to be grateful for fine. Because a year ago? I was NOT FINE. I was miserable. Pretty much every day. I was sad and exhausted and depressed. My marriage was over, but no one could quite admit it (except, I'll bet, our marriage counselor, who was the least surprised person on earth when we separated). Work was overwhelming and stressful. I wasn't giving 100% to the kids, in fact, I barely even remember Boo's second birthday except that the ex and I had a particularly awful fight the night before. Last Christmas is a complete blur. Anyway. Fine isn't so bad now that I remember what it was like to be definitively NOT FINE.

Moving on ... since we're a bit lacking in moments of happiness right now, today we're going to focus instead on a few things that make me happy.

1. LOVE THIS!
I need to keep this at my desk and hand them out liberally. Not that I am a paragon of fashion or anything, but I work at a place where anything other than shorts/jeans with a t-shirt makes people wonder if you're interviewing.

2. Likewise this one. I could order these in bulk. Which might get me fired, but it would be so worth it!

3. Clarisonic Mia: http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P245414&cm_mmc=us_search-_-GoogleBase-_-P245414-_-1201904&_requestid=42976&ci_src=14110944&ci_sku=1201904

At my dentist's insistance, I bought a Sonicare toothbrush earlier this year. I was amazed at how much better my teeth looked and felt after just one use. The Clarisonic does the exact same thing for your face.

Day 13: It Could Be Worse!

This is my motto for 2009 ... it could be worse. Because this has not been the best year of my life. Things have gone wrong. My marriage ended. Money has been in short supply. The real estate market continues to suck. I turned 35. Lulu started a new school. Boo had to adjust to not having her at his side every day. Work has been frustrating. We've all had to get used to a new schedule, earlier wake-up times, visits from Dad three times a week, and really, a whole new life.

But ... you know what? We HAVE adjusted, the bills are getting paid, life as a single mom turns out to not be all that different from life as a terminally unhappy wife of an uninterested, unengaged partner (actually, it's SO much better!), Lulu and Boo are both healthy, happy, and thriving in school, I have a job. I'm still 35, but aside from that, it's not so bad. And it could be a whole lot worse.



With that said, here are some recent moments of happiness ...

1. My bed. Shortly after exH moved out, I purchased a new mattress. All in all, I took the separation in stride -- the timing of it was a bit of a shock, but the fact of it was inevitable -- except for the bed. I could not sleep in that bed one more night. I went out one night and ordered my dream bed -- a luxurious king-size memory foam behemoth that took two very large men about half an hour to wrestle up a single flight of stairs. (It was cold you see, and memory foam in the cold becomes unfortunately brick-like in consistency.) I am still paying off the bed (24 months! no interest!), but I do not regret it for a moment. It's big enough for the three of us to snuggle in while watching cartoons, reading books, or having a little sleepover like we did last night. Not that I slept much, mind you, with Boo's feet stuck in my back, but there is something sweet and satisfying in a primitive sort of way about all of us sleeping in the same bed. Don't get me wrong -- I am very glad every one is back in their own beds tonight! -- but once in awhile, I can't resist.

2. Slinky. I bought Lulu and Boo Halloween-themed Slinkys at Target today on clearance. They loved them and seemed thrilled when I told them I had one as a little girl. It's fun when they embrace something I loved as a child (see below, The Little Prince).

3. Good friends. I am not great at friendship. It takes work and energy and as much as I love my friends, it's tough for me to summon up enough energy to reach out and carry my end of the relationship. I have lost so many wonderful friends over the years ... job changes, marriages, moves across the country, new babies all make it harder to stay in touch and as much as I hate myself for it, I just don't. Still, I am so lucky to have a few special friends who stay with me anyway. These are the kinds of people who, even when you don't talk to them for months or (yes it happens) years, still know you and can pick up right where you left off. There may be some catching up and filling in to do, but the core of the friendship is still solid. I called one of these friends the other night and just hearing her voice made me feel better. She knows me so well even though we only talk every few months and see each other once or twice a year. I caught up with another friend this afternoon and it was exactly the same. I was instantly at home with her, filling her in on the latest, chatting with her little daughter, who was once Lulu's best friend. I invited them over next weekend ... I hope we'll stay in touch more often than we have the past few years.