This whole single parenting thing? I'm not sure it's working out. Or maybe it's just the parenting part that's the problem. Boo? Has turned into a monster. Not a cute cuddly monster like Sully in Monsters, Inc. But a mean, scary monster like the ones I used to think lurked under my bed. He fights, he sulks, he throws temper tantrums. Oh my god, the tantrums. They may be the death of me. And they always (of course) occur when we need to be somewhere, like 10 minutes ago. He's 3 1/2 ... tell me this is just a phase. Please? I don't remember Lulu being so awful.
But Lulu is a challenge all her own. Last night she wants to know what it feels like to be dead. This morning she interrogates me on how to find someone to marry. How you make babies came up in there too. Where's the freaking manual?
Probably right next to "Post-Divorce Dating for Dummies."
I just can't shake the lingering doubts I have about P. Nothing's really changed. We fought, we made up, all was well. But somewhere in there my buttons got pushed (again) and now I am freaked out and scared. But I still don't know how much of that is me and how much is him. Let's break it down a bit, shall we?
Me: Trust issues. Like, big time
Him: Weird, overly close, but (we think) platonic relationship with married female coworker
Me: Falls in love too fast
Him: Been in love once in 45 years
Me: Wants connection
Him: Wants connection ... sometimes
Me: Abandonment issues
Him: There for me ... usually
Me: Commitment issues
Him: Commitment issues
Right. We've got some issues. But what to do? If the issues are mostly mine, I want to work on them, not walk away. If they're mostly his, then I'm willing to say enough. I just don't know where that line is. And, I have to admit, I'm scared. Not so much of not being with P (though I don't want to make a mistake -- it's hard to find someone you adore, have fun with, and are crazy attracted to), but of being alone again. And, to be fair, not even so much of being alone, but specifically of being alone while sharing a house with exH. Escaping to P's has been a life-saver these past few weeks, especially on the weekends. Where will I go now?
What should I do? Walk away now? Try to work things out with P? Give Lulu and Boo to exH and admit myself to a lovely insane asylum on the beach? (Those have to exist somewhere, right?)
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
The Ex Files, Day 4
ExH is back in my house. It's only been four days and I have no idea how I am going to make it for two months! Or longer if I can't find myself a house, like, this week. Universe? Can you hear me? A house, please?
It's a little hard to explain just *why* life with exH is so awful. He's nice, polite, and (so far) neat. He makes us breakfast and takes Lulu and Boo for walks in the park and out to dinner. He offers to pick up groceries. All in all, he's the perfect houseguest-slash-father of my children.
But I am miserable. After 15 months of freedom, I've instantly been tossed back in time two years. Back then I planned out nearly every minute of my at-home hours to minimize any interaction with him. He was angry, irritable, and often drinking. Nearly any conversation, however trivial, turned into a fight. So I hid. Sometimes literally, in my room or in the playroom with the kids, wherever he was most likely to leave me alone. Sometimes I hid in plain sight, making sure the kids didn't get too loud, eating family meals quickly and silently, and sleeping curled up in a corner of the bed. It was oppressive and exhausting.
Then he left and suddenly I could say and do whatever I wanted, whenever I pleased. The joy! The kids could make as much noise as they liked. If we wanted to stay up late on a Saturday night watching a movie, that was just fine, too. We settled into a new routine and grew into our new life.
Now that's all on hold and I am back to hiding. Luckily, I can escape sometimes ... to the pool, to P. But when I am home, I don't want to hang out with him and the kids as if we're all a family again. I worry that it's ultimately too confusing for Lulu and Boo (and I suspect, exH too). Because soon (right, Universe?) we're going to move out and go back to the life I have so carefully built for us this past year. Just not soon enough.
It's a little hard to explain just *why* life with exH is so awful. He's nice, polite, and (so far) neat. He makes us breakfast and takes Lulu and Boo for walks in the park and out to dinner. He offers to pick up groceries. All in all, he's the perfect houseguest-slash-father of my children.
But I am miserable. After 15 months of freedom, I've instantly been tossed back in time two years. Back then I planned out nearly every minute of my at-home hours to minimize any interaction with him. He was angry, irritable, and often drinking. Nearly any conversation, however trivial, turned into a fight. So I hid. Sometimes literally, in my room or in the playroom with the kids, wherever he was most likely to leave me alone. Sometimes I hid in plain sight, making sure the kids didn't get too loud, eating family meals quickly and silently, and sleeping curled up in a corner of the bed. It was oppressive and exhausting.
Then he left and suddenly I could say and do whatever I wanted, whenever I pleased. The joy! The kids could make as much noise as they liked. If we wanted to stay up late on a Saturday night watching a movie, that was just fine, too. We settled into a new routine and grew into our new life.
Now that's all on hold and I am back to hiding. Luckily, I can escape sometimes ... to the pool, to P. But when I am home, I don't want to hang out with him and the kids as if we're all a family again. I worry that it's ultimately too confusing for Lulu and Boo (and I suspect, exH too). Because soon (right, Universe?) we're going to move out and go back to the life I have so carefully built for us this past year. Just not soon enough.
Monday, May 3, 2010
No More Mr. Nice Guy? And the Problem With P, Continued
Somehow I have become the resident divorce expert at my office. I've now had three colleagues come to me with their marriage woes. One, S, was an old friend until he confided his desire to have an affair (and later, tried to start one with me, coincidentally on the same night that P and I first confessed our mutual interest). S and I haven't talked much since. I'm sure I don't know the full story there, and prior to this, I thought S was a really great guy, but whatever his deal now, I have zero interest in becoming anyone's other woman.
The other two, my best friend, R, and my boss, RC, are really suffering. These are good guys. Nice guys. Guys who love their wives and children and are desperate to keep their families together. And their wives just seem to have stopped loving them. I of all people know there are always two sides to a marriage, so who knows what goes on behind closed doors, but I gotta say, at least right now, these two are fighting like hell not to get divorced. Bending over backwards, doing all sorts of backflips and front flips and triple-axel/double-toe-loop combos to make their wives stay. And what I have said to them both is ... stop. Just stop. If she doesn't love you now, when you have completely remolded yourself to fit her every desire, she's not going to suddenly wake up and change her mind as she's walking all over you. She'll just keep on walking out the door. In fact, I suspect that their wives have lost interest in part *because* their husbands have been so accommodating.
Take R. R is outgoing, loves sports, thrives on hanging out with the guys, but for years he gave up on all that for his wife, J, an introvert because he thought she wanted him to stay home with her. R gradually resented giving up his friends for J, who it turns out would have preferred the alone time. That's just one example of how instead of being honest about what he wanted, he tried so hard to make her happy that they both ended up miserable. J surely shares responsibility too, of course, which they finally realize, but I think it's probably too late.
And then take RC, a smart, sweet, very successful guy. I don't have the long history with him that R and I have, but I have known him long enough to know that he's a genuinely good person whose primary sin was being a little too addicted to the Blackberry. His wife, K, had an affair with her coworker, RC found out and decided to try to work through it. He gave up the Blackberry on nights and weekends, went to counseling, bought new, cooler clothes, and got a tattoo. (Hey, at least he was trying.) He got a personal chef to make dinners so he and his wife would have more time together in the evenings, took her away for a long trip to try to get things back on track and she ... she's done nothing. Is he blameless? Again, of course not. But my man is trying so damn hard. Surely that is worth something?
It breaks my heart to see these two so helpless, watching their families fall apart. It both makes me feel a little better about men in general and reinforces how impossibly difficult marriage is. There's nothing I can do except listen, offer up my own experience, and scribble out my lawyer's name and number on a folded up Post-It when asked. Good luck guys, I have my fingers crossed for you.
The Problem With P, Continued
P and I didn't have one of our trademark magical weekends. I was tired and feeling overwhelmed. He was tired and generally not feeling well. What I thought was a minor bitch about work sent him on a rant about how I always complain but never do anything about it (not entirely untrue). We got past that, only to have another clash when I tried to talk to him about some (again, to me, minor) frustrations I had with our relationship. [Note to self: post-sex is never a good time for that discussion!!] I thought I was trying to understand where he was coming from; he thought I was criticizing him. Not good. The next day wasn't much better, though we managed to leave things on a pretty good note.
So what's the problem with P? I feel like we're missing a deeper connection. I can't quite explain it to him, but it's that thing that makes you think about the other person throughout your day, to want to share your all your news, big or small, good and bad. P doesn't understand what I mean. He says, of course you can come to me with your problems, of course I am here for you. But he doesn't share his. He doesn't check in with me throughout the week to see how I am doing, even when he knows I've got a lot on my mind, as I did last week. So it feels lopsided for me to do those things.
But, you know, I've realized that I have no idea how this is supposed to work. If P says he is there for me (and when I do go to him, he listens and offers support), am I just looking for trouble? During the disastrous relationship chat, he told me, "If you go looking for problems, you're eventually going to find them." I think he might be right. If I look back at my previous relationships, I definitely have a history of doing that.
What I've been puzzling over is why. Why do I go looking for flaws? R asked me today if I've ever felt that "deeper connection" I was craving from P. His theory is that I am the one who doesn't let anyone "be there for me" because I don't ever let anyone in completely. I think he might be right too. Definitely food for thought.
And on a totally unrelated note ...
Boo thinks he is Blue, the dog from Blue's Clues, and will only talk in bow-wows. Cute. Bizarre, but cute.
The other two, my best friend, R, and my boss, RC, are really suffering. These are good guys. Nice guys. Guys who love their wives and children and are desperate to keep their families together. And their wives just seem to have stopped loving them. I of all people know there are always two sides to a marriage, so who knows what goes on behind closed doors, but I gotta say, at least right now, these two are fighting like hell not to get divorced. Bending over backwards, doing all sorts of backflips and front flips and triple-axel/double-toe-loop combos to make their wives stay. And what I have said to them both is ... stop. Just stop. If she doesn't love you now, when you have completely remolded yourself to fit her every desire, she's not going to suddenly wake up and change her mind as she's walking all over you. She'll just keep on walking out the door. In fact, I suspect that their wives have lost interest in part *because* their husbands have been so accommodating.
Take R. R is outgoing, loves sports, thrives on hanging out with the guys, but for years he gave up on all that for his wife, J, an introvert because he thought she wanted him to stay home with her. R gradually resented giving up his friends for J, who it turns out would have preferred the alone time. That's just one example of how instead of being honest about what he wanted, he tried so hard to make her happy that they both ended up miserable. J surely shares responsibility too, of course, which they finally realize, but I think it's probably too late.
And then take RC, a smart, sweet, very successful guy. I don't have the long history with him that R and I have, but I have known him long enough to know that he's a genuinely good person whose primary sin was being a little too addicted to the Blackberry. His wife, K, had an affair with her coworker, RC found out and decided to try to work through it. He gave up the Blackberry on nights and weekends, went to counseling, bought new, cooler clothes, and got a tattoo. (Hey, at least he was trying.) He got a personal chef to make dinners so he and his wife would have more time together in the evenings, took her away for a long trip to try to get things back on track and she ... she's done nothing. Is he blameless? Again, of course not. But my man is trying so damn hard. Surely that is worth something?
It breaks my heart to see these two so helpless, watching their families fall apart. It both makes me feel a little better about men in general and reinforces how impossibly difficult marriage is. There's nothing I can do except listen, offer up my own experience, and scribble out my lawyer's name and number on a folded up Post-It when asked. Good luck guys, I have my fingers crossed for you.
The Problem With P, Continued
P and I didn't have one of our trademark magical weekends. I was tired and feeling overwhelmed. He was tired and generally not feeling well. What I thought was a minor bitch about work sent him on a rant about how I always complain but never do anything about it (not entirely untrue). We got past that, only to have another clash when I tried to talk to him about some (again, to me, minor) frustrations I had with our relationship. [Note to self: post-sex is never a good time for that discussion!!] I thought I was trying to understand where he was coming from; he thought I was criticizing him. Not good. The next day wasn't much better, though we managed to leave things on a pretty good note.
So what's the problem with P? I feel like we're missing a deeper connection. I can't quite explain it to him, but it's that thing that makes you think about the other person throughout your day, to want to share your all your news, big or small, good and bad. P doesn't understand what I mean. He says, of course you can come to me with your problems, of course I am here for you. But he doesn't share his. He doesn't check in with me throughout the week to see how I am doing, even when he knows I've got a lot on my mind, as I did last week. So it feels lopsided for me to do those things.
But, you know, I've realized that I have no idea how this is supposed to work. If P says he is there for me (and when I do go to him, he listens and offers support), am I just looking for trouble? During the disastrous relationship chat, he told me, "If you go looking for problems, you're eventually going to find them." I think he might be right. If I look back at my previous relationships, I definitely have a history of doing that.
What I've been puzzling over is why. Why do I go looking for flaws? R asked me today if I've ever felt that "deeper connection" I was craving from P. His theory is that I am the one who doesn't let anyone "be there for me" because I don't ever let anyone in completely. I think he might be right too. Definitely food for thought.
And on a totally unrelated note ...
Boo thinks he is Blue, the dog from Blue's Clues, and will only talk in bow-wows. Cute. Bizarre, but cute.
Friday, April 9, 2010
There's No Manual for This!
Actual email I just received from ExH:
Btw- I have a date tonight with two chicks. I forgot what day it was. I guess I have to cancel on one but that's not what I'm worried about. Or i could eat twice. A date - so how exactly do these things work? I'm completely embarrased right now but honestly you are the only person I would ever ask this, which I get is weird, and sorta wrong, but I've never, and I mean never gone on a "date."Oh good lord. Not that this is the first time he has come to me for relationship advice. This is FAR less awkward than when I counseled him on how to win the cheatee back. (Which either didn't work or he decided against trying ... I didn't ask.) As R said when I forwarded him the email, "On the plus side, he's making your blog easy for you."
Monday, April 5, 2010
Letting Go
ExH and I are currently finalizing our divorce agreement and it has been tough. Stressful, tense, scary, and all-around unpleasant. Money discussions with exH are especially tense, mainly because neither of us really has any. But as awful as it has been to work out this agreement, I fully realize that it could be so much worse. At least we CAN talk about it, even if we have to take frequent "I hate you right this moment and cannot be rational" breaks to get it done. So far there have been no lawyers involved, except to guide us through the actual filing process. We haven't dragged our kids into it. As far as these things go, I have to believe we are about as amicable as possible.
That's also the problem. I am moving on with my life. I'm happy with P, happy living on my own, happy not being married to exH anymore. ExH on the other hand, is not moving on. I'm not sure that he wants to be back together, but he definitely wants and expects a closer relationship than I do. I'm content to be friendly and pleasant, but I don't really want to be friends. He still considers me his best friend.
I've been struggling with him to set the right boundaries for our new relationship. Or, more to the point, I set them and he constantly oversteps them. Which forces me to push back, and I know it often comes across as bitchy. This is definitely something we're going to have to work out if he moves in.
I've been puzzled as to why we're in such different places ... we were both miserable in the marriage, after all, and we both readily agreed that separating was the right decision. So why can't he let go? Then, last night I had dinner with my only divorced friend, K. She explained it perfectly when she said that abuse and neglect and infidelity kill love. I can't say I was an angel, especially once exH's drinking/verbal abuse cycle really heated up, but I sure as hell never beat him down the way he did me. I made a lot of mistakes, but mine were all minor and they were not "love killers". He even admitted that a few months ago when he pointed out that I stood by him for years, tried to get him help and make things better, while he repaid me in anger and disdain.
It's sad to see him struggle with letting go, but I hope he can, because that is the only way we will ever be the kind of friends he'd like us to be.
That's also the problem. I am moving on with my life. I'm happy with P, happy living on my own, happy not being married to exH anymore. ExH on the other hand, is not moving on. I'm not sure that he wants to be back together, but he definitely wants and expects a closer relationship than I do. I'm content to be friendly and pleasant, but I don't really want to be friends. He still considers me his best friend.
I've been struggling with him to set the right boundaries for our new relationship. Or, more to the point, I set them and he constantly oversteps them. Which forces me to push back, and I know it often comes across as bitchy. This is definitely something we're going to have to work out if he moves in.
I've been puzzled as to why we're in such different places ... we were both miserable in the marriage, after all, and we both readily agreed that separating was the right decision. So why can't he let go? Then, last night I had dinner with my only divorced friend, K. She explained it perfectly when she said that abuse and neglect and infidelity kill love. I can't say I was an angel, especially once exH's drinking/verbal abuse cycle really heated up, but I sure as hell never beat him down the way he did me. I made a lot of mistakes, but mine were all minor and they were not "love killers". He even admitted that a few months ago when he pointed out that I stood by him for years, tried to get him help and make things better, while he repaid me in anger and disdain.
It's sad to see him struggle with letting go, but I hope he can, because that is the only way we will ever be the kind of friends he'd like us to be.
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