If you love something, set it free...

My mom had that saying in a frame when I was little. I always thought it was kind of a stupid idea... "if you love something, set it free/if it comes back to you, it's yours/if it doesn't, it never was". What if you love a pet bird? Or a six-year-old boy? These things don't do so well being set free, and at least in Boo's case, I think it's illegal.

But I digress.

This post has been sitting in draft form for several days now. I needed to get it down but I wasn't ready to share it yet. In fact, I haven't told anyone any of this.

See, I think P and I broke up. I mean, I am pretty sure I told him it was over. He was upset (rightfully) that I was forcing the conversation at a god-awful time, at the very end of my two weeks in the US, every day of which I spent with him, and which was actually a great visit. I think despite how it ended, I'll remember it in a positive light. But, yeah, the timing was horrible, even for me, and I have absurdly bad timing in pretty much everything.

Here's what happened. We had this great two weeks of hanging out and eating at all our favorite places and seeing friends. Then I got sad about leaving and asked him how he managed the distance and if it was hard for him. He gave me a non-answer and when I asked again, he just shut me down and refused to talk. The way I see it is that I just needed a little reassurance, a few words was all I wanted, I wasn't looking for a relationship heart-to-heart. And he just refused to give me anything. It was a little bit cruel.

It hit me then, as it has in the past, but harder this time, that I never entirely feel secure with him. He never says "I love you" -- ever -- even when I say it to him. I think he has said it once or twice in the past three and a half years and that was a very long time ago. I hate that I stopped saying it to him because it was too sad not to hear it back. He never says I look pretty or nice or anything like that. He shuts down the minute I bring up any relationship issue, no matter how small or seemingly innocuous. When I force the conversation, he says he knows he is weird about these things but that he doesn't think he can change.

I have lived with all that, wanting to be with him enough that I let it go. Maybe I thought I could love him enough for both of us, pathetic as that sounds. But then there I was, leaving for 5 months apart, and I just realized I can't live with it anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship where I am constantly insecure, never truly feeling loved and wanted. I don't want to be with someone who I can't talk to about my feelings. It is heart-wrenching in the most literal sense of that phrase, because I really do love him very much, and in so many ways he is everything that I want.

Except for those few things, which sometimes feel like everything.

I just couldn't face another 5 months of worrying and being anxious about what he is doing and feeling and thinking. I figure the distance will make it easier to part ways, now that we've had a long break in living our lives together on a daily basis. I hope when I get back we can be friends, or something like that. I can't imagine not knowing him anymore at all. He feels like family.

Now here I am, back in Australia. When I left he said he we would talk about it again the next time he sees me, that he thinks it is ridiculous to say we are done. I don't know if that was out of anger or shock or a real sense of not wanting to lose me. I don't know if I'll ever find out because I doubt he'll volunteer the answer even if I asked. I turned off my IMs so I am not constantly tempted to check to see if he's there or to write him and take it all back. Because a lot of the time, that's what I want to do.

The thing that stops me is not anger or bitterness. It's wondering if maybe this isn't the right thing for both of us. I haven't been fair to P over the years. He has never lied about what he could offer. But I lied about what I wanted, not intentionally, but I wasn't 100% honest. I always tried to pretend I wasn't the insecure needy mess that I actually am, because I know no one wants to be with an insecure needy mess. So it was all well-intentioned, but ultimately a total failure because all my insecurities ended up coming out anyway.

I really do want P to be happy. It will be hard for me when he meets someone else, I'm not going to lie, but I truly want P to find someone he loves so much that he can't help saying it out loud and often. I am devastated that it's unlikely to be me, but a tiny bit cheered at the thought that maybe it will happen for him. He deserves that. I know he thinks it is too late for him, but I don't.

It will be a long while before I am ready to try again myself. I thought I was done with all that after ex-H and it feels the same now. I don't have the energy to start again, to tell my stories and hear theirs, to tiptoe around feelings, to risk getting hurt. And it will take a pretty amazing person to replace P. I think he is the smartest person I have ever known and I have learned so much from him. I want to try to remember all the great things and not the bad stuff.

Here are a few...

• Hands-down, my favorite day with P was when he played his guitar and sang for me for an entire afternoon. I had asked him to play for me many times over the years and I was so honored and thrilled when he did. 

• All the nights at Chez and Austin Grill. I can't even begin to imagine how many pitchers of Miller Lite and chicken wings we've consumed together!

• How sweet he is with Lulu.

• Getting to know his college friends and their families, they are all really wonderful people. I wish I had a group of friends like that.

• Sundays yelling at the Redskins.

• Dancing at the Christmas party.

• The time we fell asleep holding hands and were still holding hands when I woke up hours later.

• The week at the Outer Banks.

• Burning the cord with our impromptu fire pit.

• My crazy birthday night, yes, it ended somewhat badly, but it was the most fun I've had in years.

• Dagnuts, the little guy, Cabinet, Chez, the muscles' muscles, gigantic guppy and pogm and the squiggs, JJ and Monster, the Tearps, Bono on the plane, and all our other shared references.

Instructions, Please

This whole single parenting thing? I'm not sure it's working out. Or maybe it's just the parenting part that's the problem. Boo? Has turned into a monster. Not a cute cuddly monster like Sully in Monsters, Inc. But a mean, scary monster like the ones I used to think lurked under my bed. He fights, he sulks, he throws temper tantrums. Oh my god, the tantrums. They may be the death of me. And they always (of course) occur when we need to be somewhere, like 10 minutes ago. He's 3 1/2 ... tell me this is just a phase. Please? I don't remember Lulu being so awful.

But Lulu is a challenge all her own. Last night she wants to know what it feels like to be dead. This morning she interrogates me on how to find someone to marry. How you make babies came up in there too. Where's the freaking manual?

Probably right next to "Post-Divorce Dating for Dummies."

I just can't shake the lingering doubts I have about P. Nothing's really changed. We fought, we made up, all was well. But somewhere in there my buttons got pushed (again) and now I am freaked out and scared. But I still don't know how much of that is me and how much is him. Let's break it down a bit, shall we?

Me: Trust issues. Like, big time
Him: Weird, overly close, but (we think) platonic relationship with married female coworker
Me: Falls in love too fast
Him: Been in love once in 45 years
Me: Wants connection
Him: Wants connection ... sometimes
Me: Abandonment issues
Him: There for me ... usually
Me: Commitment issues
Him: Commitment issues

Right. We've got some issues. But what to do? If the issues are mostly mine, I want to work on them, not walk away. If they're mostly his, then I'm willing to say enough. I just don't know where that line is. And, I have to admit, I'm scared. Not so much of not being with P (though I don't want to make a mistake -- it's hard to find someone you adore, have fun with, and are crazy attracted to), but of being alone again. And, to be fair, not even so much of being alone, but specifically of being alone while sharing a house with exH. Escaping to P's has been a life-saver these past few weeks, especially on the weekends. Where will I go now?

What should I do? Walk away now? Try to work things out with P? Give Lulu and Boo to exH and admit myself to a lovely insane asylum on the beach? (Those have to exist somewhere, right?)

No More Mr. Nice Guy? And the Problem With P, Continued

Somehow I have become the resident divorce expert at my office. I've now had three colleagues come to me with their marriage woes. One, S, was an old friend until he confided his desire to have an affair (and later, tried to start one with me, coincidentally on the same night that P and I first confessed our mutual interest). S and I haven't talked much since. I'm sure I don't know the full story there, and prior to this, I thought S was a really great guy, but whatever his deal now, I have zero interest in becoming anyone's other woman.

The other two, my best friend, R, and my boss, RC, are really suffering. These are good guys. Nice guys. Guys who love their wives and children and are desperate to keep their families together. And their wives just seem to have stopped loving them. I of all people know there are always two sides to a marriage, so who knows what goes on behind closed doors, but I gotta say, at least right now, these two are fighting like hell not to get divorced. Bending over backwards, doing all sorts of backflips and front flips and triple-axel/double-toe-loop combos to make their wives stay. And what I have said to them both is ... stop. Just stop. If she doesn't love you now, when you have completely remolded yourself to fit her every desire, she's not going to suddenly wake up and change her mind as she's walking all over you. She'll just keep on walking out the door. In fact, I suspect that their wives have lost interest in part *because* their husbands have been so accommodating.

Take R. R is outgoing, loves sports, thrives on hanging out with the guys, but for years he gave up on all that for his wife, J, an introvert because he thought she wanted him to stay home with her. R gradually resented giving up his friends for J, who it turns out would have preferred the alone time. That's just one example of how instead of being honest about what he wanted, he tried so hard to make her happy that they both ended up miserable. J surely shares responsibility too, of course, which they finally realize, but I think it's probably too late.

And then take RC, a smart, sweet, very successful guy. I don't have the long history with him that R and I have, but I have known him long enough to know that he's a genuinely good person whose primary sin was being a little too addicted to the Blackberry. His wife, K, had an affair with her coworker, RC found out and decided to try to work through it. He gave up the Blackberry on nights and weekends, went to counseling, bought new, cooler clothes, and got a tattoo. (Hey, at least he was trying.) He got a personal chef to make dinners so he and his wife would have more time together in the evenings, took her away for a long trip to try to get things back on track and she ... she's done nothing. Is he blameless? Again, of course not. But my man is trying so damn hard. Surely that is worth something?

It breaks my heart to see these two so helpless, watching their families fall apart. It both makes me feel a little better about men in general and reinforces how impossibly difficult marriage is. There's nothing I can do except listen, offer up my own experience, and scribble out my lawyer's name and number on a folded up Post-It when asked. Good luck guys, I have my fingers crossed for you.

The Problem With P, Continued

P and I didn't have one of our trademark magical weekends. I was tired and feeling overwhelmed. He was tired and generally not feeling well. What I thought was a minor bitch about work sent him on a rant about how I always complain but never do anything about it (not entirely untrue). We got past that, only to have another clash when I tried to talk to him about some (again, to me, minor) frustrations I had with our relationship. [Note to self: post-sex is never a good time for that discussion!!] I thought I was trying to understand where he was coming from; he thought I was criticizing him. Not good. The next day wasn't much better, though we managed to leave things on a pretty good note.

So what's the problem with P? I feel like we're missing a deeper connection. I can't quite explain it to him, but it's that thing that makes you think about the other person throughout your day, to want to share your all your news, big or small, good and bad. P doesn't understand what I mean. He says, of course you can come to me with your problems, of course I am here for you. But he doesn't share his. He doesn't check in with me throughout the week to see how I am doing, even when he knows I've got a lot on my mind, as I did last week. So it feels lopsided for me to do those things.

But, you know, I've realized that I have no idea how this is supposed to work. If P says he is there for me (and when I do go to him, he listens and offers support), am I just looking for trouble? During the disastrous relationship chat, he told me, "If you go looking for problems, you're eventually going to find them." I think he might be right. If I look back at my previous relationships, I definitely have a history of doing that.

What I've been puzzling over is why. Why do I go looking for flaws? R asked me today if I've ever felt that "deeper connection" I was craving from P.  His theory is that I am the one who doesn't let anyone "be there for me" because I don't ever let anyone in completely. I think he might be right too. Definitely food for thought.

And on a totally unrelated note ...

Boo thinks he is Blue, the dog from Blue's Clues, and will only talk in bow-wows. Cute. Bizarre, but cute.

There's No Manual for This!

Actual email I just received from ExH:

Btw- I have a date tonight with two chicks. I forgot what day it was. I guess I have to cancel on one but that's not what I'm worried about. Or i could eat twice. A date - so how exactly do these things work? I'm completely embarrased right now but honestly you are the only person I would ever ask this, which I get is weird, and sorta wrong, but I've never, and I mean never gone on a "date."

Oh good lord. Not that this is the first time he has come to me for relationship advice. This is FAR less awkward than when I counseled him on how to win the cheatee back. (Which either didn't work or he decided against trying ... I didn't ask.) As R said when I forwarded him the email, "On the plus side, he's making your blog easy for you."

The List

Do you (or did you) have a list? You know what i'm talking about ... the list of must-haves, nice-to-haves, and absolutely-nots in a potential mate. I started thinking about this after talking to my stylist, G, mid-highlights yesterday. He's an attractive, successful, British (accent = to die for), gay man in his early 40s, who you would think would have no trouble finding a great guy. But he has a list, and a pretty long one at that. He recently signed up for a dating site, but said he wasn't getting many responses. I asked what he put in his criteria. "Well, I want someone who is 6'4" (G is 6'2"), doesn't smoke, owns his own home, makes a good living, isn't into the club scene ...." Um, G? That's a pretty, er, tall order, I said. Why not lower the bar just a bit? I suggested he start with one or two "must-haves" (for him, that turns out to be a tall non-smoker) and give the other guys a chance.

I have to confess, during my brief fling with Match.com, I got sucked into a little of the list mentality just like G did and went a little nuts with the "must-haves." When I think about it, things like career, formal education level, and height don't matter to me (my best friend R laughed at my 5'9" height preference, saying "But you're only 5'2"!), but on those sites, it's all you have to go on.

I really don't have a list, actual or mental, in part because I never really knew what I wanted. I've dated all sorts of men, and while a few certainly fit into one category or another (there are several "nice Jewish boys" in my past, and a couple of blue-eyed blonds), they're all pretty different from each other with one exception -- they've all been whip smart. So I guess that would be item #1 on my list. Post exH, I'd also have to add something along the lines of "can take care of himself." ExH has gotten more independent in the past year, but for a 37-year-old with his own business, he's still pretty clueless about finances. (I shudder to think what will happen if he tries to buy a house or car on his own at some point.) That doesn't mean a potential mate has to have money, but he at least needs to know how to manage what he has. And he has to love Lulu and Boo. That's not a big deal for dating, but it's a must if things get serious.

So what's on YOUR list?

How Do You Know?

This post on What's love got to do with it? got me thinking ... how DO you know when someone loves you? How do you know when you're in love? I am pretty quick to say the L word in new relationships and as a result, I am almost always the first one to say it (though thankfully, I've never said it to someone who didn't eventually say it back ... more on that in a second!). But what triggers that feeling? Sometimes it has happened slowly, over a few months; other times it has been almost instantaneous.

I dated two guys seriously in college and one followed the first pattern -- we dated on and off for a few months, but we were both dating other people as well and while there was a lot of passion, neither one of us saw it as love. Eventually, we ended up dating more seriously and said I love you to each other (looking back, I don't know that I really meant it even though we were together for a few years). The other guy fell into the instant soulmate category. "I love you"s were exchanged within weeks, if not days, of our first kiss, and I continued to love him just as intensely for the year we were together and for many years (albeit eventually platonically) after that. I've only found one other "soulmate" love like that, and sadly, it wasn't with exH. That person is married, as was I at the time, so we channeled that love into a strong friendship that has lasted for four years now. I no longer fantasize about what it would be like to run away with him; I just love him and support him and he does the same for me though we definitely have our ups and downs. (Unfortunately he hates P, so that has made the past few months difficult, but I am confident our friendship will survive.)

I told P I loved him a few weeks ago, knowing he couldn't say it back. I warned him I probably wouldn't say it again, because it's not fair when I know he isn't there yet, but that I just wanted him to know. He seemed thrilled and surprised and asked why. I'm not sure yet what P's deal is, but I suspect he might think that there's not much about him to love. I disagree -- he's funny and intelligent and has a completely different take on the world than I do. I like listening to his theories on the universe, the afterlife, the decline of music since 1980, and whatever else is on his mind. He challenges me to think differently. And I love that he's a beer-drinking, car-loving, 100% guys' guy who just happens to have a master's degree in poetry from a famous writing program. I love his blue eyes and the crazy blood-pressure-lowering effect he has on me. I love that we don't always have to talk. Maybe most of all, I love that he doesn't NEED me. He's an independent, self-sufficient grownup who, unlike exH, can manage his finances and everything else on his own. He could use some help in the wardrobe department, but hey, his total lack of style is sorta endearing too. No one's perfect.

Does P love me? I don't think he does yet, or if he does, he doesn't know it. He told me he's only been in love once, back in college, and he's 45! So it may never happen for him. At the very least, it's going to take some time for him to get there. But that doesn't stop me from looking for signs. I know that agreeing to be exclusive was a huge thing for him, as was meeting Lulu and Boo, so for now, I'm content with where we are, and we'll see what happens next. It's hard to remember that taking it slow is a good thing for me right now. I'm not even divorced yet!