Btw- I have a date tonight with two chicks. I forgot what day it was. I guess I have to cancel on one but that's not what I'm worried about. Or i could eat twice. A date - so how exactly do these things work? I'm completely embarrased right now but honestly you are the only person I would ever ask this, which I get is weird, and sorta wrong, but I've never, and I mean never gone on a "date."Oh good lord. Not that this is the first time he has come to me for relationship advice. This is FAR less awkward than when I counseled him on how to win the cheatee back. (Which either didn't work or he decided against trying ... I didn't ask.) As R said when I forwarded him the email, "On the plus side, he's making your blog easy for you."
Friday, April 9, 2010
There's No Manual for This!
Actual email I just received from ExH:
Thursday, April 8, 2010
The List
Do you (or did you) have a list? You know what i'm talking about ... the list of must-haves, nice-to-haves, and absolutely-nots in a potential mate. I started thinking about this after talking to my stylist, G, mid-highlights yesterday. He's an attractive, successful, British (accent = to die for), gay man in his early 40s, who you would think would have no trouble finding a great guy. But he has a list, and a pretty long one at that. He recently signed up for a dating site, but said he wasn't getting many responses. I asked what he put in his criteria. "Well, I want someone who is 6'4" (G is 6'2"), doesn't smoke, owns his own home, makes a good living, isn't into the club scene ...." Um, G? That's a pretty, er, tall order, I said. Why not lower the bar just a bit? I suggested he start with one or two "must-haves" (for him, that turns out to be a tall non-smoker) and give the other guys a chance.
I have to confess, during my brief fling with Match.com, I got sucked into a little of the list mentality just like G did and went a little nuts with the "must-haves." When I think about it, things like career, formal education level, and height don't matter to me (my best friend R laughed at my 5'9" height preference, saying "But you're only 5'2"!), but on those sites, it's all you have to go on.
I really don't have a list, actual or mental, in part because I never really knew what I wanted. I've dated all sorts of men, and while a few certainly fit into one category or another (there are several "nice Jewish boys" in my past, and a couple of blue-eyed blonds), they're all pretty different from each other with one exception -- they've all been whip smart. So I guess that would be item #1 on my list. Post exH, I'd also have to add something along the lines of "can take care of himself." ExH has gotten more independent in the past year, but for a 37-year-old with his own business, he's still pretty clueless about finances. (I shudder to think what will happen if he tries to buy a house or car on his own at some point.) That doesn't mean a potential mate has to have money, but he at least needs to know how to manage what he has. And he has to love Lulu and Boo. That's not a big deal for dating, but it's a must if things get serious.
So what's on YOUR list?
I have to confess, during my brief fling with Match.com, I got sucked into a little of the list mentality just like G did and went a little nuts with the "must-haves." When I think about it, things like career, formal education level, and height don't matter to me (my best friend R laughed at my 5'9" height preference, saying "But you're only 5'2"!), but on those sites, it's all you have to go on.
I really don't have a list, actual or mental, in part because I never really knew what I wanted. I've dated all sorts of men, and while a few certainly fit into one category or another (there are several "nice Jewish boys" in my past, and a couple of blue-eyed blonds), they're all pretty different from each other with one exception -- they've all been whip smart. So I guess that would be item #1 on my list. Post exH, I'd also have to add something along the lines of "can take care of himself." ExH has gotten more independent in the past year, but for a 37-year-old with his own business, he's still pretty clueless about finances. (I shudder to think what will happen if he tries to buy a house or car on his own at some point.) That doesn't mean a potential mate has to have money, but he at least needs to know how to manage what he has. And he has to love Lulu and Boo. That's not a big deal for dating, but it's a must if things get serious.
So what's on YOUR list?
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Cute Giveaway at She Hath Done What She Could
Peggy's giving away a cute navy clutch. Check it out here.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
How Do You Know?
This post on What's love got to do with it? got me thinking ... how DO you know when someone loves you? How do you know when you're in love? I am pretty quick to say the L word in new relationships and as a result, I am almost always the first one to say it (though thankfully, I've never said it to someone who didn't eventually say it back ... more on that in a second!). But what triggers that feeling? Sometimes it has happened slowly, over a few months; other times it has been almost instantaneous.
I dated two guys seriously in college and one followed the first pattern -- we dated on and off for a few months, but we were both dating other people as well and while there was a lot of passion, neither one of us saw it as love. Eventually, we ended up dating more seriously and said I love you to each other (looking back, I don't know that I really meant it even though we were together for a few years). The other guy fell into the instant soulmate category. "I love you"s were exchanged within weeks, if not days, of our first kiss, and I continued to love him just as intensely for the year we were together and for many years (albeit eventually platonically) after that. I've only found one other "soulmate" love like that, and sadly, it wasn't with exH. That person is married, as was I at the time, so we channeled that love into a strong friendship that has lasted for four years now. I no longer fantasize about what it would be like to run away with him; I just love him and support him and he does the same for me though we definitely have our ups and downs. (Unfortunately he hates P, so that has made the past few months difficult, but I am confident our friendship will survive.)
I told P I loved him a few weeks ago, knowing he couldn't say it back. I warned him I probably wouldn't say it again, because it's not fair when I know he isn't there yet, but that I just wanted him to know. He seemed thrilled and surprised and asked why. I'm not sure yet what P's deal is, but I suspect he might think that there's not much about him to love. I disagree -- he's funny and intelligent and has a completely different take on the world than I do. I like listening to his theories on the universe, the afterlife, the decline of music since 1980, and whatever else is on his mind. He challenges me to think differently. And I love that he's a beer-drinking, car-loving, 100% guys' guy who just happens to have a master's degree in poetry from a famous writing program. I love his blue eyes and the crazy blood-pressure-lowering effect he has on me. I love that we don't always have to talk. Maybe most of all, I love that he doesn't NEED me. He's an independent, self-sufficient grownup who, unlike exH, can manage his finances and everything else on his own. He could use some help in the wardrobe department, but hey, his total lack of style is sorta endearing too. No one's perfect.
Does P love me? I don't think he does yet, or if he does, he doesn't know it. He told me he's only been in love once, back in college, and he's 45! So it may never happen for him. At the very least, it's going to take some time for him to get there. But that doesn't stop me from looking for signs. I know that agreeing to be exclusive was a huge thing for him, as was meeting Lulu and Boo, so for now, I'm content with where we are, and we'll see what happens next. It's hard to remember that taking it slow is a good thing for me right now. I'm not even divorced yet!
I dated two guys seriously in college and one followed the first pattern -- we dated on and off for a few months, but we were both dating other people as well and while there was a lot of passion, neither one of us saw it as love. Eventually, we ended up dating more seriously and said I love you to each other (looking back, I don't know that I really meant it even though we were together for a few years). The other guy fell into the instant soulmate category. "I love you"s were exchanged within weeks, if not days, of our first kiss, and I continued to love him just as intensely for the year we were together and for many years (albeit eventually platonically) after that. I've only found one other "soulmate" love like that, and sadly, it wasn't with exH. That person is married, as was I at the time, so we channeled that love into a strong friendship that has lasted for four years now. I no longer fantasize about what it would be like to run away with him; I just love him and support him and he does the same for me though we definitely have our ups and downs. (Unfortunately he hates P, so that has made the past few months difficult, but I am confident our friendship will survive.)
I told P I loved him a few weeks ago, knowing he couldn't say it back. I warned him I probably wouldn't say it again, because it's not fair when I know he isn't there yet, but that I just wanted him to know. He seemed thrilled and surprised and asked why. I'm not sure yet what P's deal is, but I suspect he might think that there's not much about him to love. I disagree -- he's funny and intelligent and has a completely different take on the world than I do. I like listening to his theories on the universe, the afterlife, the decline of music since 1980, and whatever else is on his mind. He challenges me to think differently. And I love that he's a beer-drinking, car-loving, 100% guys' guy who just happens to have a master's degree in poetry from a famous writing program. I love his blue eyes and the crazy blood-pressure-lowering effect he has on me. I love that we don't always have to talk. Maybe most of all, I love that he doesn't NEED me. He's an independent, self-sufficient grownup who, unlike exH, can manage his finances and everything else on his own. He could use some help in the wardrobe department, but hey, his total lack of style is sorta endearing too. No one's perfect.
Does P love me? I don't think he does yet, or if he does, he doesn't know it. He told me he's only been in love once, back in college, and he's 45! So it may never happen for him. At the very least, it's going to take some time for him to get there. But that doesn't stop me from looking for signs. I know that agreeing to be exclusive was a huge thing for him, as was meeting Lulu and Boo, so for now, I'm content with where we are, and we'll see what happens next. It's hard to remember that taking it slow is a good thing for me right now. I'm not even divorced yet!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Things I Love Right Now
While I hope that this blog will resonate with other separated and divorced parents, and I plan to add more posts with both resources and my personal experience over time, I want to have fun here, too. I love clothing and makeup (though I don't wear much of the latter and I can't afford much of the former!) and other frivolous things. So in that spirit, here are a few things I am in love with right now.
1. LOFT Petal Print Shell. It's pretty and springy, but not pastel. I wore this to hang out with P on Saturday night paired with dark skinny jeans and high-heeled black sandals. So what if we only got takeout and watched the Final Four? I still looked cute!
2. Anthropologie Cerulean Wave bag. I am obsessed with finding a small, blue purse for summer, but I can't seem to find what I want in my budget. This would be perfect! Sale, please!
3. The New Ray-Ban Wayfarers in black. They're just so cool and classic.4. Coral sandals. No pic because I haven't found them yet! I want a vibrant coral, nothing even bordering on pink with a 2"ish heel comfy enough to walk in. Let me know if you see any!
5. Hudson Jeans. I am addicted to these! There is something about the cut and style that makes me look taller, leaner, and the triangle flap pockets do wonders for my butt. I have them in dark washes, light washes, and everything in between. But, Robyn, aren't Hudson jeans like $200? And aren't you broke? Well, um, yes, but here's a tip. Go to Nordstrom and try on a bunch of different styles and sizes (I love the Signature Bootcut the best!). Once you know what fits best, hit eBay and scoop up the very same jeans, brand new!, for half off the retail price. I also sometimes find this brand at TJ Maxx, along with Joe's Jeans, another fave.
Letting Go
ExH and I are currently finalizing our divorce agreement and it has been tough. Stressful, tense, scary, and all-around unpleasant. Money discussions with exH are especially tense, mainly because neither of us really has any. But as awful as it has been to work out this agreement, I fully realize that it could be so much worse. At least we CAN talk about it, even if we have to take frequent "I hate you right this moment and cannot be rational" breaks to get it done. So far there have been no lawyers involved, except to guide us through the actual filing process. We haven't dragged our kids into it. As far as these things go, I have to believe we are about as amicable as possible.
That's also the problem. I am moving on with my life. I'm happy with P, happy living on my own, happy not being married to exH anymore. ExH on the other hand, is not moving on. I'm not sure that he wants to be back together, but he definitely wants and expects a closer relationship than I do. I'm content to be friendly and pleasant, but I don't really want to be friends. He still considers me his best friend.
I've been struggling with him to set the right boundaries for our new relationship. Or, more to the point, I set them and he constantly oversteps them. Which forces me to push back, and I know it often comes across as bitchy. This is definitely something we're going to have to work out if he moves in.
I've been puzzled as to why we're in such different places ... we were both miserable in the marriage, after all, and we both readily agreed that separating was the right decision. So why can't he let go? Then, last night I had dinner with my only divorced friend, K. She explained it perfectly when she said that abuse and neglect and infidelity kill love. I can't say I was an angel, especially once exH's drinking/verbal abuse cycle really heated up, but I sure as hell never beat him down the way he did me. I made a lot of mistakes, but mine were all minor and they were not "love killers". He even admitted that a few months ago when he pointed out that I stood by him for years, tried to get him help and make things better, while he repaid me in anger and disdain.
It's sad to see him struggle with letting go, but I hope he can, because that is the only way we will ever be the kind of friends he'd like us to be.
That's also the problem. I am moving on with my life. I'm happy with P, happy living on my own, happy not being married to exH anymore. ExH on the other hand, is not moving on. I'm not sure that he wants to be back together, but he definitely wants and expects a closer relationship than I do. I'm content to be friendly and pleasant, but I don't really want to be friends. He still considers me his best friend.
I've been struggling with him to set the right boundaries for our new relationship. Or, more to the point, I set them and he constantly oversteps them. Which forces me to push back, and I know it often comes across as bitchy. This is definitely something we're going to have to work out if he moves in.
I've been puzzled as to why we're in such different places ... we were both miserable in the marriage, after all, and we both readily agreed that separating was the right decision. So why can't he let go? Then, last night I had dinner with my only divorced friend, K. She explained it perfectly when she said that abuse and neglect and infidelity kill love. I can't say I was an angel, especially once exH's drinking/verbal abuse cycle really heated up, but I sure as hell never beat him down the way he did me. I made a lot of mistakes, but mine were all minor and they were not "love killers". He even admitted that a few months ago when he pointed out that I stood by him for years, tried to get him help and make things better, while he repaid me in anger and disdain.
It's sad to see him struggle with letting go, but I hope he can, because that is the only way we will ever be the kind of friends he'd like us to be.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Baggage, Baby
Last night, I went to see P, and he casually mentioned something critical that someone in his group said about a presentation I had given at work the day before. The comment infuriated me because I have a long history of not getting along with several people in that group but I thought I had finally gotten past it. I was frustrated and got upset with P because I felt like he should have defended me to his colleague. He of all people should have known I wouldn't have intentionally insulted his group! I started to cry, and he left the room, which made me feel even worse.
The drama queen in me was dying to just walk out and go home. And a few years ago? That's exactly what I would have done, followed by a tearful plea for forgiveness a few days later. But I'd already had a few drama-tinged moments with P and as a result, we'd had a shaky few weeks. My uncertainty over how he felt about me and what exactly we were doing made me feel insecure and uneasy, and I got so anxious about it all that I broke up with him a couple weeks ago. It only lasted a week, and things already felt back to normal, but the issues that caused my anxiety hadn't really been resolved, either. And last night they came flooding back ... why didn't he care that I was upset? did he have feelings for me at all? So I got up to leave, but it hit me that if I did, not only would I be doing possibly permanent damage, but I still wouldn't know how he felt and where I stood. And all over a comment that he didn't even make, just reported.
So I splashed some water on my face, took some deep breaths, and went out to talk to him. It was probably the best, most honest conversation we've had since we first started dating. I'm so glad I didn't leave.
Dating after divorce is hard. You can't help but bring along baggage from the marriage, along with any pre-marriage issues. I love P for who he is, but I am also incredibly grateful for everything that I am learning about myself being with him. I see so clearly now so many of the mistakes I made in past relationships and I see myself starting to make them again. Only now, I'm (sometimes) able to stop and change course. It's incredibly empowering to see that I just might be able to get out of the damaging patterns I was in before, dump some of that worn out baggage, and do it better this time.
Today, P came out to lunch with me, Lulu, and Boo. It was the first time he'd met them, and it was something I'd spent a lot of time thinking about. It took three months for me to be ready. I wanted to be sure that he was going to be around for awhile before I introduced them, and if I'm honest, I also worried that he wouldn't like the mom side of me as much as the rest. So today could have been a huge, pressure-filled event. Except, it wasn't at all. I invited him without thinking too much about it and after a brief hesitation on his part, it all worked out just fine.
The drama queen in me was dying to just walk out and go home. And a few years ago? That's exactly what I would have done, followed by a tearful plea for forgiveness a few days later. But I'd already had a few drama-tinged moments with P and as a result, we'd had a shaky few weeks. My uncertainty over how he felt about me and what exactly we were doing made me feel insecure and uneasy, and I got so anxious about it all that I broke up with him a couple weeks ago. It only lasted a week, and things already felt back to normal, but the issues that caused my anxiety hadn't really been resolved, either. And last night they came flooding back ... why didn't he care that I was upset? did he have feelings for me at all? So I got up to leave, but it hit me that if I did, not only would I be doing possibly permanent damage, but I still wouldn't know how he felt and where I stood. And all over a comment that he didn't even make, just reported.
So I splashed some water on my face, took some deep breaths, and went out to talk to him. It was probably the best, most honest conversation we've had since we first started dating. I'm so glad I didn't leave.
Dating after divorce is hard. You can't help but bring along baggage from the marriage, along with any pre-marriage issues. I love P for who he is, but I am also incredibly grateful for everything that I am learning about myself being with him. I see so clearly now so many of the mistakes I made in past relationships and I see myself starting to make them again. Only now, I'm (sometimes) able to stop and change course. It's incredibly empowering to see that I just might be able to get out of the damaging patterns I was in before, dump some of that worn out baggage, and do it better this time.
Today, P came out to lunch with me, Lulu, and Boo. It was the first time he'd met them, and it was something I'd spent a lot of time thinking about. It took three months for me to be ready. I wanted to be sure that he was going to be around for awhile before I introduced them, and if I'm honest, I also worried that he wouldn't like the mom side of me as much as the rest. So today could have been a huge, pressure-filled event. Except, it wasn't at all. I invited him without thinking too much about it and after a brief hesitation on his part, it all worked out just fine.
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