The Wave

I'm a little sad today. Yesterday, after a lovely weekend with P (I'm a bit thrilled and a lot scared that I am starting to glimpse a future with him), I came to work, looking forward to my regular coffee run with R, who confided that he and his wife spent their weekend talking about divorce. I was shocked. Things had been rocky over the past few years, but I thought they were doing better lately. Or maybe he just stopped telling me about the bad parts. Even though I am much happier without exH, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially R, who's about the most devoted father I've ever seen. It's not clear what's going to happen with him yet, but I hope they can get through this.

Last night, it occurred to me that if this had happened a year or so ago, my sadness for R and his family would have been mixed with a drop of hope that maybe he and I could be together. Horrible, I know, but I've often wondered if it could work. I don't think about that anymore -- I'm pretty sure we're better off as friends. Plus there's P, who is in many ways the exact opposite of R, and I want to see where that goes.

When exH and I split last February, I knew only one person who was divorced, a colleague I'm not particularly close to who's maybe 10 years older. At 34, I was definitely on the leading edge of the divorce wave. More than a year later, R is struggling with it and so is another coworker. I expect the next year will only bring more news of marriages ending. In many cases, it's the right decision, but that doesn't make it less sad.

I wonder if I will ever be able to take that leap again. Despite knowing several happy couples who have survived failed marriages and found love again, right now it's hard to imagine that I will ever overcome my fundamental doubts about love, and I never again want to go through the "this-is-mine-that-is-yours" bickering that even the most amicable divorces entail. Even in my most fantastical imaginings about P, I don't see us married (good thing since he's said he never wants to get married!). What do other divorced/separated parents think about getting married again?

Extreme Divorce Makeover

Ok, so "extreme" might be an overstatement, but I was thinking today how much happier I am both inside and outside. I've lost a few pounds, started taking better care of my skin, making an effort with my hair, and best of all, rediscovered my style. It's amazing how many compliments I get every day now! I feel so much more ME now than I have at any other point in my life. I wouldn't dream of going back to my teens or 20s!

I thought I'd share the tools and tricks I used in my EDM in hopes that they might spark some inspiration for you, too!

Weight
I was OK with my weight before, but between having babies and just not paying much attention to what I ate, I had drifted from a size 4 to an 8 over the past few years and I didn't want to continue the trend. So on the advice of my super-healthy coworkers H and D, I started by tracking what I ate using a free service called SparkPeople.com. It took me a little while to get used to entering in everything I ate (they have a free iPhone app that makes it even easier!), but once I did, I was shocked at how many calories and, especially, carbs I was eating. Guess my life-long sweet tooth had finally come back to bite me, so to speak. Just by monitoring my calorie, carb, fat, and protein intake, I lost 5 pounds almost instantly, and another 3 over the following few weeks, going down a full clothing size overall and losing the dreaded muffin top! I'd like to drop another 5, but I am thrilled at where I am right now and it has been a breeze to maintain.

One secret? Protein shakes. They fill me up and give me an additional boost of protein, which is key to keeping my energy level steady. Atkins Advantage shakes taste great and are relatively low in fat and very low in carbs; I also do Jay Robb's chocolate protein shakes, which have practically no fat or carbs and double the protein of the Atkins' brand. They're not the tastiest, but they're tolerable especially given the huge protein punch they pack.

Skin
I know you all wash your faces religiously every night, but I was always too tired and too lazy. I used a Sephora gift certificate to purchase the Clarisonic Mia last fall and I will never go back! My skin literally glows! I also got serious about eye cream and wrinkle prevention. I'm genetically blessed with a youthful look that I want to maintain. I use Philosophy's Help Me every other night and Creme de La Mer eye balm every night. The latter was a pre-divorce splurge that I then neglected to use; once it's gone, I'll be switching to the more budget-friendly Kiehl's Creamy Avocado eye cream (read Apocalypstick Now's review, which totally sold me).

For makeup, I have no secrets other than mascara and lipstick. Never wore either pre-divorce; wear both every.single.day now. For mascara, it doesn't matter what brand -- they all seem about the same to me -- but black is a must. For lipstick, I am really picky about color and texture. Laura Mercier's Baby Lips is my go-to for day, while Mac's Viva Glam in Original Cyndi (thanks again Apocalypstick Now) is my take-it-up-a-notch fave.

Style
I have two words for you: skinny jeans. Yes, I know, I know, I dismissed them too. There was no way I was going to display my muffin-topped pear shape in THOSE! But curiosity eventually won out and I tried on a pair. They looked ... great! I don't know what it is about them, but if you can find the right pair, they are simply genius. I love my Old Navy Diva Skinny Jeans (in photo) almost as much as my beloved Hudson Signature Bootcuts. And at just $29.50, they are a lot cheaper. I also have a pair of uber-chic Paige Premium Denim skinny jeans that I adore (bought on sale at TJ Maxx; I saw them at my store recently so you might still be in luck). The Paige pair is soft and stretchy, not like "jeggings" (what an awful word!), but almost, where the ON pair is more structured. For the money, definitely go with ON. I wear my skinny jeans with longer tops and either heels or boots. Seriously, try them. They've upped my style quotient at least a few notches.

I haven't been able to totally overhaul my wardrobe, since in addition to my EDM, I also had to undergo an Extreme Financial Makeover, but I have updated it quite a bit with fitted, non t-shirt tops; this awesome gray leather jacket bought during the Loft Friends & Family promo (not online anymore, but my store had a full stock today; note that this is WAY cuter in person than in this pic); and heels. Never wore heels much pre-divorce, but I am addicted now. They make me look tall and lean (huge when you're 5'2") and I have managed to find a good selection of comfortable styles. Check out my old standby, TJ Maxx, for Cole Haan heeled sandals. They have this magic Nike Air sole that makes even 3"+ heels amazingly comfy.

Oh, and one more style tip ... get a professional bra fitting. I know, everyone says that, but it's true. After nursing two babies, I had no idea what size I really was. Nordstrom has great (free) bra fitters who will whip you into shape and work with your budget. Replacing nearly all my bras was an investment, to be sure, but it made a huge difference in how things fit.

There's No Manual for This!

Actual email I just received from ExH:

Btw- I have a date tonight with two chicks. I forgot what day it was. I guess I have to cancel on one but that's not what I'm worried about. Or i could eat twice. A date - so how exactly do these things work? I'm completely embarrased right now but honestly you are the only person I would ever ask this, which I get is weird, and sorta wrong, but I've never, and I mean never gone on a "date."

Oh good lord. Not that this is the first time he has come to me for relationship advice. This is FAR less awkward than when I counseled him on how to win the cheatee back. (Which either didn't work or he decided against trying ... I didn't ask.) As R said when I forwarded him the email, "On the plus side, he's making your blog easy for you."

The List

Do you (or did you) have a list? You know what i'm talking about ... the list of must-haves, nice-to-haves, and absolutely-nots in a potential mate. I started thinking about this after talking to my stylist, G, mid-highlights yesterday. He's an attractive, successful, British (accent = to die for), gay man in his early 40s, who you would think would have no trouble finding a great guy. But he has a list, and a pretty long one at that. He recently signed up for a dating site, but said he wasn't getting many responses. I asked what he put in his criteria. "Well, I want someone who is 6'4" (G is 6'2"), doesn't smoke, owns his own home, makes a good living, isn't into the club scene ...." Um, G? That's a pretty, er, tall order, I said. Why not lower the bar just a bit? I suggested he start with one or two "must-haves" (for him, that turns out to be a tall non-smoker) and give the other guys a chance.

I have to confess, during my brief fling with Match.com, I got sucked into a little of the list mentality just like G did and went a little nuts with the "must-haves." When I think about it, things like career, formal education level, and height don't matter to me (my best friend R laughed at my 5'9" height preference, saying "But you're only 5'2"!), but on those sites, it's all you have to go on.

I really don't have a list, actual or mental, in part because I never really knew what I wanted. I've dated all sorts of men, and while a few certainly fit into one category or another (there are several "nice Jewish boys" in my past, and a couple of blue-eyed blonds), they're all pretty different from each other with one exception -- they've all been whip smart. So I guess that would be item #1 on my list. Post exH, I'd also have to add something along the lines of "can take care of himself." ExH has gotten more independent in the past year, but for a 37-year-old with his own business, he's still pretty clueless about finances. (I shudder to think what will happen if he tries to buy a house or car on his own at some point.) That doesn't mean a potential mate has to have money, but he at least needs to know how to manage what he has. And he has to love Lulu and Boo. That's not a big deal for dating, but it's a must if things get serious.

So what's on YOUR list?

Cute Giveaway at She Hath Done What She Could

Peggy's giving away a cute navy clutch. Check it out here.

How Do You Know?

This post on What's love got to do with it? got me thinking ... how DO you know when someone loves you? How do you know when you're in love? I am pretty quick to say the L word in new relationships and as a result, I am almost always the first one to say it (though thankfully, I've never said it to someone who didn't eventually say it back ... more on that in a second!). But what triggers that feeling? Sometimes it has happened slowly, over a few months; other times it has been almost instantaneous.

I dated two guys seriously in college and one followed the first pattern -- we dated on and off for a few months, but we were both dating other people as well and while there was a lot of passion, neither one of us saw it as love. Eventually, we ended up dating more seriously and said I love you to each other (looking back, I don't know that I really meant it even though we were together for a few years). The other guy fell into the instant soulmate category. "I love you"s were exchanged within weeks, if not days, of our first kiss, and I continued to love him just as intensely for the year we were together and for many years (albeit eventually platonically) after that. I've only found one other "soulmate" love like that, and sadly, it wasn't with exH. That person is married, as was I at the time, so we channeled that love into a strong friendship that has lasted for four years now. I no longer fantasize about what it would be like to run away with him; I just love him and support him and he does the same for me though we definitely have our ups and downs. (Unfortunately he hates P, so that has made the past few months difficult, but I am confident our friendship will survive.)

I told P I loved him a few weeks ago, knowing he couldn't say it back. I warned him I probably wouldn't say it again, because it's not fair when I know he isn't there yet, but that I just wanted him to know. He seemed thrilled and surprised and asked why. I'm not sure yet what P's deal is, but I suspect he might think that there's not much about him to love. I disagree -- he's funny and intelligent and has a completely different take on the world than I do. I like listening to his theories on the universe, the afterlife, the decline of music since 1980, and whatever else is on his mind. He challenges me to think differently. And I love that he's a beer-drinking, car-loving, 100% guys' guy who just happens to have a master's degree in poetry from a famous writing program. I love his blue eyes and the crazy blood-pressure-lowering effect he has on me. I love that we don't always have to talk. Maybe most of all, I love that he doesn't NEED me. He's an independent, self-sufficient grownup who, unlike exH, can manage his finances and everything else on his own. He could use some help in the wardrobe department, but hey, his total lack of style is sorta endearing too. No one's perfect.

Does P love me? I don't think he does yet, or if he does, he doesn't know it. He told me he's only been in love once, back in college, and he's 45! So it may never happen for him. At the very least, it's going to take some time for him to get there. But that doesn't stop me from looking for signs. I know that agreeing to be exclusive was a huge thing for him, as was meeting Lulu and Boo, so for now, I'm content with where we are, and we'll see what happens next. It's hard to remember that taking it slow is a good thing for me right now. I'm not even divorced yet!

Things I Love Right Now

While I hope that this blog will resonate with other separated and divorced parents, and I plan to add more posts with both resources and my personal experience over time, I want to have fun here, too. I love clothing and makeup (though I don't wear much of the latter and I can't afford much of the former!) and other frivolous things. So in that spirit, here are a few things I am in love with right now.

1. LOFT Petal Print Shell. It's pretty and springy, but not pastel. I wore this to hang out with P on Saturday night paired with dark skinny jeans and high-heeled black sandals. So what if we only got takeout and watched the Final Four? I still looked cute!

2. Anthropologie Cerulean Wave bag. I am obsessed with finding a small, blue purse for summer, but I can't seem to find what I want in my budget. This would be perfect! Sale, please!

             3. The New Ray-Ban Wayfarers in black. They're just so cool and classic.

4. Coral sandals. No pic because I haven't found them yet! I want a vibrant coral, nothing even bordering on pink with a 2"ish heel comfy enough to walk in. Let me know if you see any!

5. Hudson Jeans. I am addicted to these! There is something about the cut and style that makes me look taller, leaner, and the triangle flap pockets do wonders for my butt. I have them in dark washes, light washes, and everything in between. But, Robyn, aren't Hudson jeans like $200? And aren't you broke? Well, um, yes, but here's a tip. Go to Nordstrom and try on a bunch of different styles and sizes (I love the Signature Bootcut the best!). Once you know what fits best, hit eBay and scoop up the very same jeans, brand new!, for half off the retail price. I also sometimes find this brand at TJ Maxx, along with Joe's Jeans, another fave.