From the Files of: You've GOT to Be Kidding!

http://www.master-edge.com/biz/pink-has-some-seeing-red-in-j-crew-clothing-ad/

J. Crew designer Jenna Lyons was recently photographed painting her young son's toenails pink. Cute, right? He's a little kid, who cares?

Apparently a lot of people ...

“This is a dramatic example of the way that our culture is being encouraged to abandon all trappings of gender identity,” psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow wrote in a FoxNews.com Health column about the ad.


Media Research Center’s Erin Brown agreed, calling the ad “blatant propaganda celebrating transgendered children.”

What? How can a child that young remotely be considered "transgendered"? Sexualizing the behavior of such a young child is, in my opinion, just sick.

Of course, I'm speaking as a mother whose 3-year-old dressed up as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz last Halloween and who, at 4, often wears nightgowns to bed. He also loves having his toes painted and I often oblige. Do all of those things mean he's gay? Or is he just emulating his beloved older sister? Does it matter?

Not to me. I firmly believe sexuality is nature, not nurture, and all a parent can do is love and accept their child. Anything else just makes them feel that something is wrong with them, and gay or straight, no child should be made to feel ashamed of who they are.

It's not always easy. Boo got teased a bit for his Dorothy costume. ExH hasn't always been supportive, and my beloved (and very manly) brother-in-law about choked when I sent Boo to get ready for bed and he returned with a Dora nightgown. (To his credit, BIL recovered quickly and made no comments.)

And then there are the people who surprise me. Like P, another very macho guy, who, when he first saw Boo wearing one of Lulu's dresses around the house, merely commented, "nice dress, man" without a hint of sarcasm. Or a gay coworker in his 50s who teared up when I told him about Boo's costume and leapt up to hug me, saying, "I wish I'd had a mom like you."

So, Jenna, shrug it off, your son is gorgeous and you're a great mom for encouraging his love of pink polish! Want to take the boys for pedicures sometime?

A Trip to the Gym = A Revelation

P and I joined a gym this week through our company. I am not a gym person. In fact, I have not had a gym membership in at least a decade. Longer if you don't count gym memberships I paid for but never used. But this one is super cheap and convenient and I need to get back in shape, so I figured I'd give it a shot. We went yesterday, then hit up our favorite neighborhood hang-out for dinner afterward. As we walked to the car, P excitedly asked if we could do this every Tuesday and Thursday (exH's nights with the kids).

We'd planned to join before I read the book I posted about yesterday. But I realized after I dropped P off that it was the perfect choice for our anxious/avoidant relationship. First, while we go there together and hang out afterward, while we're there, we have our own routines, so P gets a little space. Second, it gives us standing plans twice a week, eliminating my frustration of always having to initiate plans. Finally, it's good for us and gives us a shared goal to work toward outside of work, which is especially nice for us since he and I tend to spend more time talking about office nonsense than we'd like.

Read This Book!

While my highlights were being touched up last week, I browsed through Women's Health magazine, which is surprisingly decent. It reminds me of Shape. As I was flipping through, one of those "analyze your relationship style" articles caught my eye. Its bullet-point summary of the "anxious attachment style" nailed me perfectly. And the "avoidant" style was so clearly P. Turns out the article was an excerpt of a book called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love. I whipped out my phone and immediately ordered the Kindle edition.



I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that I've read more than a few relationship books in an attempt to sort out all my various issues. And while I can find elements of any approach that speak to me, this book is the first one that seemed to get it right.

I won't try to summarize the book as I'd never do it justice. It's a quick read, written very clearly and with lots of concrete examples and clear advice, so I really recommend that you check it out if you have any concerns about your relationship "style". Here are just a few things that jumped out to me...

What I liked best about it is that there is no blame, no talk of emotional unavailability, etc. Your "attachment style" (anxious, avoidant, or secure) is part of your core make-up and isn't easily changed. All you can do is learn how to recognize where it fails you and adapt.

Once I understood my style and P's, it confirmed a few things I've suspected about our relationship. First, we think about the relationship completely differently, which sometimes creates misunderstandings. Second, even though we are totally different, we complement each other in an odd (and potentially unhealthy) way. In fact, the anxious-avoidant pairing is very common. And finally, some of the things about P that make me question his feelings for me actually have nothing to do with me at all. He would be the same with any partner.

There's no cure here, at least not if I stay with P. (According to the authors, I'd do better with someone in the secure or mildly anxious category.) If the book's premise is true, many if not all of the issues P and I have will never be resolved. For instance, he will likely never feel 100% comfortable expressing his feelings for me and I will probably never stop wishing he would. We can only improve our understanding of each other's needs and learn to better communicate them. I'll let you know how it goes!

Lulu Learns an Essential Life Lesson

Here's how most of the little mother-daughter talks between me and Lulu go. "Look, Lulu, I have been through this [insert school problem, sibling squabble, fight with a friend] before and I can save you a lot of pain and suffering if you just listen to my advice." And her responses, while varied, all show that she clearly does not believe that I could possibly have ever been 7, missed a word on a spelling test, fought with my friends, or got irritated at my younger sibling.

But! I have been vindicated! And so thoroughly that she now thinks I am some sort of wise Yoda mother who knows all.

On Monday, Lulu comes home in tears -- tears! -- because some boy at her after-school center likes her friend and not her. And worse this "friend" (who has caused several problems before -- I know I shouldn't hate a 7-year-old, but I kinda sorta hate this one) was now ignoring Lulu.

After some hugs and more tears, I made Lulu sit on my bed and look at me while I told her very firmly that 1. I know this is tough stuff, and unfortunately, it doesn't get any easier and the reason I know this is that I am 36 and still dealing with variations of these issues. And 2. That this so-called friend would come crawling back before the end of the week because I know for a fact that no 2nd grade boy is going to stay interested in a 1st grade girl for more than a few days.

Skeptical, she peered up at me and said, "You don't know that, mama!" But I do, I said. And sure enough, when I picked her up yesterday, she was playing with the girl. I asked what had happened and she said, eyes all big, "You were RIGHT, mama! Chase doesn't want to play with Olivia anymore. HOW did you know that?" I told her, look, Lulu, I know stuff. Pretty much anything that will happen to you has happened to me and I can tell you how it's going to play out. So listen up next time, ok?

The Big Reveal, part 2

And now for a big announcement!

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No, I'm not marrying P (are you crazy??) or pregnant (god forbid). But I did start a new blog and I'd love for you to check it out (especially you random paint color junkies... you know who you are). It's called Amateur Decorator. Come on over and visit! I'll still keep posting my standard life drama here, of course.

The Big Reveal, part 1

So it turns out I chose my paint colors well -- I love, love, love my new bedroom and bathroom. What a massive transformation!

Without further ado, here are the before and after shots.

What do you think? It's not quite finished yet. I'm still waiting on new end tables (they're actually Flint metal bar stools from CB2!) and I'm not sure where various art pieces will end up (I think the Escapes print will probably get relocated to the living room), but it's close! Oh, and I did touch up a few things between the time I took the photos and today ... new light switch and outlet plate covers, more panels on the windows, a new sconce above the bathroom mirror.

Now on to the kitchen ...

Where It All Came From ...
Bedroom:

Paint - Benjamin Moore Chelsea Gray in Aura Matte on walls, Sherwin Williams Extra White in gloss on trim and built-ins

Bedding - Dwell for Target

Light fixture - Ikea

"Escape" painting - CB2

Desk - West Elm
White shelving - Ikea

Headboard - West Elm
Gray curtains - Target

White sheers - Ikea

Bathroom:

Paint - Benjamin Moore Sanctuary in Aura Matte
Towels - CB2
Towel bars and knobs - West Elm

The Painters Are Here!

Today is big day. You may recall that I have a slight interest in obsession with paint. Well, my painters are here for round 1 of a two-part painting extravaganza. Part 1, which will take three days, is my bedroom (including the hideous knotty-pine built-ins) and bathroom. Part 2, coming in April (to coincide with bonus time), will be the kitchen cabinets and walls, and the living/dining room, (which my mom, sister, and I painted when I moved in back in July, but the color is just not quite right and the painter is pretty cheap). There's really nothing like paint to transform a space, and somehow it recharges me mentally as well. I can't wait to see how it all comes together -- I've only spent about six months buying sample pots, studying blog and magazine photos, and pondering Moonshine vs Horizon vs Coventry Gray. I went with Ben. Moore Chelsea Gray (a medium true gray -- or so I hope!) on the bedroom walls with White Dove on the ceiling and Aura Sanctuary (a grayish purple) for the bathroom. Now is the moment of truth ... did I choose right?

Obsessing over paint and getting everything ready for the painters has prevented me from obsessing over P. I'm not sure what we're doing. We talked a long time on Tuesday night and I realized something pretty amazing and powerful ... I don't know what I want. And that's ... fine. I get so caught up in not wanting to make a(nother) mistake, not wanting to be taken for granted (again) ... just wanting to get. things. right. that I haven't spent enough time embracing the opportunity I have right now to take my time. There's no pressure on me or P to know what the future holds, no reason to make promises we both know all too well are much easier to say than to keep. I like P and I like having him in my life. The only question is what form that will take. And the only answer (right now at least) is I don't know.

So we've left things at that. We spent a lot of time together this weekend, much of it with my family (the first time he's been around my mom, stepdad, sister, and brother-in-law), and it was fun and relaxed and not weighed down by needing it to be anything more than a bunch of people having a good time. He stayed over Saturday night and it was so much fun watching him interact with Lulu and Boo in the morning. They climbed all over him, he pretended to be a horse bucking them off, I made everyone breakfast and then since it was such a gray, rainy day, we all curled up in my room and watched Enchanted.

It's not always as easy as it was this weekend, but I love (and will try to remember more often) that I am constantly learning. Whether it's a good weekend or an argument, I always come away seeing myself in a new light, with a new insight into some part of who I am in a relationship. Who knows? Maybe someday I will even know what I want.