"If only we'd stop trying to be happy, we could have a pretty good time."
- Edith Wharton

Saturday, July 13, 2013

If you love something, set it free...

My mom had that saying in a frame when I was little. I always thought it was kind of a stupid idea... "if you love something, set it free/if it comes back to you, it's yours/if it doesn't, it never was". What if you love a pet bird? Or a six-year-old boy? These things don't do so well being set free, and at least in Boo's case, I think it's illegal.

But I digress.

This post has been sitting in draft form for several days now. I needed to get it down but I wasn't ready to share it yet. In fact, I haven't told anyone any of this.

See, I think P and I broke up. I mean, I am pretty sure I told him it was over. He was upset (rightfully) that I was forcing the conversation at a god-awful time, at the very end of my two weeks in the US, every day of which I spent with him, and which was actually a great visit. I think despite how it ended, I'll remember it in a positive light. But, yeah, the timing was horrible, even for me, and I have absurdly bad timing in pretty much everything.

Here's what happened. We had this great two weeks of hanging out and eating at all our favorite places and seeing friends. Then I got sad about leaving and asked him how he managed the distance and if it was hard for him. He gave me a non-answer and when I asked again, he just shut me down and refused to talk. The way I see it is that I just needed a little reassurance, a few words was all I wanted, I wasn't looking for a relationship heart-to-heart. And he just refused to give me anything. It was a little bit cruel.

It hit me then, as it has in the past, but harder this time, that I never entirely feel secure with him. He never says "I love you" -- ever -- even when I say it to him. I think he has said it once or twice in the past three and a half years and that was a very long time ago. I hate that I stopped saying it to him because it was too sad not to hear it back. He never says I look pretty or nice or anything like that. He shuts down the minute I bring up any relationship issue, no matter how small or seemingly innocuous. When I force the conversation, he says he knows he is weird about these things but that he doesn't think he can change.

I have lived with all that, wanting to be with him enough that I let it go. Maybe I thought I could love him enough for both of us, pathetic as that sounds. But then there I was, leaving for 5 months apart, and I just realized I can't live with it anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship where I am constantly insecure, never truly feeling loved and wanted. I don't want to be with someone who I can't talk to about my feelings. It is heart-wrenching in the most literal sense of that phrase, because I really do love him very much, and in so many ways he is everything that I want.

Except for those few things, which sometimes feel like everything.

I just couldn't face another 5 months of worrying and being anxious about what he is doing and feeling and thinking. I figure the distance will make it easier to part ways, now that we've had a long break in living our lives together on a daily basis. I hope when I get back we can be friends, or something like that. I can't imagine not knowing him anymore at all. He feels like family.

Now here I am, back in Australia. When I left he said he we would talk about it again the next time he sees me, that he thinks it is ridiculous to say we are done. I don't know if that was out of anger or shock or a real sense of not wanting to lose me. I don't know if I'll ever find out because I doubt he'll volunteer the answer even if I asked. I turned off my IMs so I am not constantly tempted to check to see if he's there or to write him and take it all back. Because a lot of the time, that's what I want to do.

The thing that stops me is not anger or bitterness. It's wondering if maybe this isn't the right thing for both of us. I haven't been fair to P over the years. He has never lied about what he could offer. But I lied about what I wanted, not intentionally, but I wasn't 100% honest. I always tried to pretend I wasn't the insecure needy mess that I actually am, because I know no one wants to be with an insecure needy mess. So it was all well-intentioned, but ultimately a total failure because all my insecurities ended up coming out anyway.

I really do want P to be happy. It will be hard for me when he meets someone else, I'm not going to lie, but I truly want P to find someone he loves so much that he can't help saying it out loud and often. I am devastated that it's unlikely to be me, but a tiny bit cheered at the thought that maybe it will happen for him. He deserves that. I know he thinks it is too late for him, but I don't.

It will be a long while before I am ready to try again myself. I thought I was done with all that after ex-H and it feels the same now. I don't have the energy to start again, to tell my stories and hear theirs, to tiptoe around feelings, to risk getting hurt. And it will take a pretty amazing person to replace P. I think he is the smartest person I have ever known and I have learned so much from him. I want to try to remember all the great things and not the bad stuff.

Here are a few...

  • Hands-down, my favorite day with P was when he played his guitar and sang for me for an entire afternoon. I had asked him to play for me many times over the years and I was so honored and thrilled when he did. 
  • All the nights at Chez and Austin Grill. I can't even begin to imagine how many pitchers of Miller Lite and chicken wings we've consumed together!
  • How sweet he is with Lulu.
  • Getting to know his college friends and their families, they are all really wonderful people. I wish I had a group of friends like that.
  • Sundays yelling at the Redskins.
  • Dancing at the Christmas party.
  • The time we fell asleep holding hands and were still holding hands when I woke up hours later.
  • The week at the Outer Banks.
  • Burning the cord with our impromptu fire pit.
  • My crazy birthday night, yes, it ended somewhat badly, but it was the most fun I've had in years.
  • Dagnuts, the little guy, Cabinet, Chez, the muscles' muscles, gigantic guppy and pogm and the squiggs, JJ and Monster, the Tearps, Bono on the plane, and all our other shared references.

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