Tough Calls

Decisions I never thought I'd have to make a few years ago ...
1. Whether to spend Thanksgiving with my ex who hates me (Yes, sigh.)
2. When, if ever, to allow my boyfriend to spend the night while the kids were home (Last Sat.)
3. Whether or not to discuss decision#2 with the aforementioned exH beforehand (No way Jose!)

Yeah, single parenting is a bit trickier than I imagined. Especially once there are new significant others to consider. If you had asked me this time last year, or even a couple of months ago, I would have said that I'd never have a boyfriend spend the night when my kids were home. And to be honest with you, I'm not 100% sure it was the right decision. I AM 100% sure there will be some consequences when exH hears about it.

But, P and I are turning into something more real than we were before and I'm not as content to keep my life with him separate from the rest of my world as I was before. More and more, I want him to know Lulu and Boo outside of the occasional visit. I want him to know me in a different way -- not just as a colleague and a girlfriend, but as a mother, too. After all, if there's ever a next step for us -- if there's ever even to be a conversation about next steps -- we both need to know if he can be part of my whole world, if he even wants to. It's a lot to ask of someone, a lot he would have to change. I don't know if I could change that much for someone else, frankly.

All that makes it sound like I gave this decision careful consideration. Which I confess I didn't. It was getting late on Sat. night, we had a nice fire going in the fireplace, and P was getting sleepy. It seemed silly to send him home, so I asked him if he felt comfortable staying. And you know what, it was FUN having him stay over. Everyone seemed comfortable and relaxed. P stuck around until noon -- far later than I expected. The kids had fun playing with him. So I'm glad I did it, even if it might not have been the "right" thing to do.

As for Thanksgiving, after some drama on Monday and Tuesday, the day itself was smooth sailing. All it required were a few lies on my part to smooth things out with exH and assure him we all wanted him to come to dinner. It's only going to get harder, though. Someday exH or I will want to spend holidays with the kids, but not with each other. We'll have to start taking turns with them, which means there will come a holiday when I'm not with my kids. I'm not looking forward to that day.

Can You Choose to Be Happy?

Today's post is another one that has been bouncing around my head in the few hours when I am not working, sleeping, or browsing the Internet. It's about what it means to be happy and whether or not happiness is something you can choose.

I thought for a long, long time that happiness was somehow handed to you. Something that if you were nice and smart and tried to do the right things would just settle down upon you gracefully, like a light dusting of snow.

That didn't work out so well. So now what?

Now, I think you can choose happiness. Not to say that it's always easy. I have an exH who may or may not actually hate me, but who is at least deeply angry at me. And who hasn't paid a penny in child support since June. My "emergency" savings is quickly dwindling. I am chronically overtired from working full-time plus doing extra freelance to make ends meet, taking care of the house and two adorable but needy kids, and trying to squeeze in a little bit of a life with P. There's a lot in my day-to-day life that isn't a whole lot of fun. I don't always feel all that happy.

But on the flip side, I've got two adorable, healthy kids who are needy because they know I am the parent they can count on 100%. ExH is awful to me, but at least he loves Lulu and Boo. And I don't have to live with him anymore. I may not have much extra money, but the freelance job (courtesy of WW of all people) is certainly a blessing. Work is overwhelming, but challenging. And at least I have a boyfriend who loves me (and actually says it, which I never thought would happen). He even gave me my own drawer this weekend. P's transformation from a die-hard commitment-phobic bachelor into a legitimate "I love you"-saying, drawer-giving boyfriend? Who says there's no such thing as miracles?

So what's not to be happy about?

Take the Stairs

I've written at least a dozen posts in my head over the past month or so, but there's a slight problem. When I have the energy to write, I don't seem to have the time. And when I have the time? I'm too fried to do anything but sleep or gaze blankly at QVC. (Or both ... I often wake up to the midnight announcement of the TSV -- Today's Special Value for those in the know.)

But there are a couple of posts that have kind of clung to my few remaining brain cells, begging to be written. So I'm going to try to squish them all into one. Bear with me.

Take the Stairs

First, the title of this post: Take the Stairs. This was one of my New Year's Resolutions. (There were three. And in a remarkable triumph of memory and intention, I remember all three and have actually done them.*) When I made the resolution, I meant it literally: walk my ass up the f*ing stairs instead of slouching to the elevator to my 4th floor office. Every day, every time I go in or out of the office. Because it's easy, cheap exercise and I feel less lazy when I do it.

But over time, that phrase started to take on some larger meanings ... take the high road, don't slip into the "lazy" old patterns; don't take shortcuts, if you're going to do something, do it right. Take the stairs. And for the most part, I've done that, especially in my relationships. Oh, I've stumbled more than a few times. But I've learned a lot, too. And each time, it gets a little easier to be nice to exH, to be rational and secure with P, to plow through work stuff I'd rather not do, to be kinder to those coworkers I'd prefer to strangle, to be patient with Lulu and Boo. Practice makes ... perfect-ish.

Do You See What I See?
I had a moment last week that I think may have actually changed my life. I know, sounds dramatic, but in just one conversation, I suddenly began to question how I see the whole world.

So here's the backstory. A couple weeks ago, P and I went to NYC for the day for a work meeting. L, a colleague who lives in New Orleans, came with us. Here's what you need to know about L: she's very pretty, super-stylish, and is living with one of P's closest friends. She and I are friendly, but not close. She and P are friends through his friend. In the days leading up to the trip, P and I had been under a lot of pressure and hadn't seen each other much. So that's where we start.

Here's how the trip went from my perspective: P was happy and friendly with L, even a touch flirty, perhaps. He barely talked to me, but seemed to pay attention to L's every word. They chatted about P's friend and reminisced about some crazy parties the three of them had been to. I was pretty quiet most of the day, feeling like a third wheel. When we got back, I dropped L off at her hotel, then took P home. He didn't invite me in and I left convinced he was done with me.

But here's the twist. The next night, there was a party at the office and L and I got to talking. She asked how things were with P. She mentioned that he seemed so "happy and relaxed" around me and commented that she was thrilled to see us so happy together.

What?

Since I'd had a few gin and tonics, I poured out my side of the NYC trip. She was genuinely stunned -- she hadn't seen it my way at all. To her, we seemed fine -- great, even. She said she'd never seen P so happy.

Is it possible that I'd had it all wrong?

And if so, how many other scenes like that had I completely misinterpreted? I started thinking back to all the times I'd been in similar situations, wondering if just maybe there was another way to see things. Have you ever seen this optical illusion? If you look at it one way, you'll see an old lady; look again and you can see a beautiful young woman.

Is it possible I've spent my life only seeing the old hag and missing out on the beauty?

Stay tuned for another post on recent revelations. Right now, I need to check out the latest TSV!

*The other two were to wash my face every night (gross, I know, but I never used to do it and now I do!) and to "rise above" all the crap. I'll give myself a C+ there.

Fun With Fall

The temperature has finally fallen below 70 and I am loving fall! The constant rain is less charming, but I'll take any opportunity to bust out the boots and sweaters. Here are a few things I'm wearing this season, plus one bonus recipe!

Hello, My Name Is Robyn and I Am Addicted to Denim

You all know how I love my jeans, especially my Hudsons. I recently replaced nearly my entire jean stash after dropping two sizes this summer (yay!). I sold most of my designer pairs on eBay or at my local consignment shop, but since I couldn't afford an entire denim wardrobe of new Hudsons, I branched out a little and have some new faves to share. (Old Navy's Diva Skinny Jeans are still a staple -- I have them in three colors!)

* Paige Premium Denim: I only owned one pair of Paige jeans before recently, but I am addicted now! eBay has some amazing deals, and I've scooped up two pairs of black skinnies (they're different, trust me!) and an orange (!) pair, all in the Skyline cut. They are sooooo soft and comfortable. I've also seen them at TJ Maxx and Loehmann's, just never in my size sadly.

* Gap Girls Skinny Jeans: I recently discovered that I can wear Gap girls' jeans in a size 16-18, which is so cool since those sizes are often on clearance. I'd say the 16 runs between a 2 and 4 and the 18 runs between a 4 and 6 depending on the cut. I scored a gorgeous pair of plum stretch skinny jeans for $14 and a cute studded pair for $16. Warning ... the length varies dramatically. The studded jeans fit my 5'2" height perfectly (with enough length to wear with boots) while the plum pair was about 4" too long.

* Rock & Republic: I adore the giant embroidered "R"s on the back pockets (mine have them in red; pink and silver are on my wish list) and this is another brand that's easy to score at the discount stores and on eBay. Very chic.

Boots, Boots, Boots!

I've only bought one new pair -- these Frye Billy Shorts in Taupe that P and I scored at Loehmann's for half the regular price. They are so comfortable and add a certain sauciness to any outfit. I confess that I am loving the new over-the-knee styles, but I haven't been brave enough to try them yet. For now, I am searching for the perfect gray boots -- I'm thinking charcoal suede with a heel ....



Finally ... Food!

Fall food is probably my favorite. I love soups, stews, squash ... Thanksgiving dinner is pretty much the highlight of my culinary year. So I am excited to share a delicious chili recipe that I made for P last night. We both ate WAY too much because it was so, so good. And it's versatile too -- P has some weird kidney bean aversion, so I left those out. I'm making it for the kids this week and I'll skip the bell pepper for them as Lulu tends to view anything green skeptically. Seriously, go make this tonight -- it's super easy and fast and did I mention GOOD?

Recipe: Beef Chili from Smitten Kitchen ... Yum!

Reflections of Me

Do you ever find that the traits that drive you absolutely INSANE in others are faults you yourself possess?

Take Lulu. I would jump in front of a bus for that kid, but man, does she make me crazy! I used to think we were just nothing alike and worried that we'd never really click the way I do with Boo. I can't remember what prompted it, but awhile ago I had a burst of clarity where I saw the true problem. Lulu is EXACTLY like me. And those things that bug me about her? Yup, they're the very things I don't like about myself. Like, she HATES change -- anything from a different brand of mac & cheese to changing schools. And she's super-shy around new people, sometimes behaving almost rudely. She's overly dramatic, worries about everything, cares way too much about what people think, and cries when things don't go her way.

One guess where she got all that.

She still drives me crazy, but at least now I get it. Those are all faults of mine, things I've struggled to overcome, some more successfully than others. I mean, I still dread change, but I can manage to be polite around new people. And I still worry too much, care too much, and cry too much. Part of what makes me nuts when I see these things in Lulu is that I know how much easier life will be for her if she can somehow learn now what it's taken me 36 years to grasp -- none of it matters! -- but I guess she'll have to figure it out herself.

Case in point: Earlier this week, she decided she wanted her hair cut. Apparently that very second. So she hacked off the front with safety scissors. Awesome. At first, I was furious. What was she thinking?? Why didn't she just ask me to take her to get her hair cut? Now I was going to have to pay to get it fixed. Argh. But then I thought back to the time I turned my hair orange trying to color it and had to borrow $100 from then-boyfriend exH to get it corrected professionally. But that was like 13 years ago! Or, you know, the time I decided to try to rewire the bathroom and ended up shelling out $250 to an electrician to fix the resulting mess. That was just a couple weeks ago.

So I relaxed, took her to get it fixed, and made her promise not to do it again. Once she saw how much better the professional cut looked, she readily agreed. Now let's hope she doesn't try her hand at electrical work!

Meditations on the Status Quo

The days are just flying by lately. Thankfully, there's been so little drama since I last posted that I haven't known what to write about! P and I seem to have settled into some sort of relationship plateau -- we're past the "what are we doing here?" phase and not yet into the "so where is this going?" phase. I expect someday we'll at least have a conversation about it, but I'm in no hurry and I certainly have no idea right now what the answer would be. We're so different in so many ways that I'm not sure if we're alike enough in the right ways for this to last. But we'll save that for another post. For right now, I'm just enjoying cruising along the plateau.

On to another topic altogether ... uniforms. No, not the polo/plaid skirt type. I'm talking about the default outfit you grab in the morning. For me, it's jeans year-round, paired with a tee or tank and flip flops in the summer and with a cardigan and boots in winter. Now, this is not a huge revelation. It's not like I just noticed yesterday that I own 15 pairs of jeans! But what is a revelation is that I've stopped fighting my uniform and embraced it. For a long time, I forced myself to try to break out of my comfort zone. I'd buy cute pencil skirts, strappy sundresses, flowy silk blouses, scarves in every shape and color ... and while they were all gorgeous hanging there in my closet, they rarely saw the outside world.

So instead of trying to play dress-up, I'm now embracing my style. This year, I've invested in a slew of  great-fitting jeans, an array of stylish tees, and upped the style quotient with colorful shoes, pretty necklaces, and cute jackets. And I couldn't be happier with the results! Since I work in a casual office, I wear the same thing weekdays and weekends ... getting dressed is easy, shopping even easier. Sure, I'll bust out a dressy dress or short skirt once in awhile, but for now I am loving my "uniform"!

What Goes Up ...

So all has been pretty quiet the past two weeks. P and I have been doing great -- he's been hanging out with the kids, helping me out with house stuff, took me out for my birthday ... just generally being"there" for me. ExH was behaving well and work was going fine. I finally felt settled and dare I say, happy.

But nothing good can stay, it seems. Today, I was supposed to go to New York for the day for an important meeting. ExH promised to be here by 7 so I could catch an 8 am train. I got up at 5:30, dressed in my chicest city outfit, got the kids up and dressed and fed and was ready to go by 6:55. Well, 7 came and went with no word, then 8, then 8:30, when we had to leave to get Lulu and Boo to school. Yet still nothing, despite a text and at least 7 phone calls. I apologized profusely to the colleague who I was supposed to be going with, and embarrassed, explained to my boss's boss why I was at the office instead of at the meeting.

Finally at 11:30, when I'm starting to wonder whether I should be calling hospitals, I get a text from him saying his phone had been on vibrate so he missed his alarm and all my calls. Awesome, right? I was (am) furious, not so much because I missed the meeting, but because I resent the hell out of him because he CAN be totally irresponsible. And the biggest consequence is that he pisses me off. He has no job, hasn't paid child support since June, yet has gone on several trips, and has zero responsibilities. While I have far too many. I wish I could have a day to just blow off my life, but I don't even have 10 minutes to break down in private. Not when my boss's boss yells at me (yeah, the day got even worse). Not when I come home to yet another bill I don't have money to pay. Not when I'm exhausted from working at night and not sleeping enough.

I am tired of doing everything on my own. I am tired of not being able to count on anyone. Yes, it's great that I can do it all on my own. But just once in awhile I wish I didn't have to.

On Confessions and Cosmetics

I have a confession to make. I've been putting off writing this post for a couple days now because I know what you guys are going to think. Hopefully you aren't as judgmental as R, who told me he doesn't want to hear another word about it.

So here goes: P and I are back together.

I know, I know, what am I thinking? First, I didn't go running back, even though it was tempting. He was the one who asked if we could talk through the problems. Which we did, pretty calmly and openly. He apologized for not being there when I moved and said that he does love me and wants to be there for me and be a part of my life. He admitted he isn't very good at expressing that. :) We talked about why our recent disagreements got so out of hand and how to better manage them in the future. It all felt very grown-up.

I guess time will tell whether this was a true turning point or just another phase in a bad cycle. I'm proud that I spoke up for what I wanted and didn't compromise. So judge if you will. I can take it.

And now for a total change of pace ...

Miracle product alert: Maybelline Great Lash *Waterproof* Mascara
I've read countless raves over the years about how great Maybelline Great Lash is, but it never really worked for me. I've tried at least a dozen other brands -- high and low end -- but nothing was quite right. They were too clumpy, too heavy, made my lashes look fake, etc. So I decided to give Great Lash another shot, but this time I bought the waterproof formula. And it's perfect! No clumps, no garish fake-lash look, just nice, pretty, long lashes. Hooray!

Out of Focus

Wow, this is hard. I miss P a lot and it's taking all my energy not to go running back. There's just enough there to make it tough to remember that ultimately, there isn't enough.

When I first tried to break up with P back in March (pre-blog; it lasted a week and was basically about the same thing as this one), he played it cool. I got no sense that he missed me or wished things were different ... nothing. With a complete absence of dignity, I went crawling back anyway. It wasn't my strongest, I-am-woman moment, but I have no regrets. We had a ton of great times after that, and I learned so much more about myself.

Now, he's not playing it so cool. When I asked for my Netflix DVDs back (I always left them at his place so we could watch together), he reluctantly returned them saying, "you know we can still watch movies together." I told him I'd like that at some point, but not just yet. There's no way I could spend time with him right now and have it be purely platonic.

It's so hard to stay focused on what I ultimately want because it's all so abstract. Sure, *someday* *someone* will love me back. But what about *right now*? Someday feels fuzzy and far away. The someone is even more out of focus. It's a leap of faith to believe he exists out there and an even bigger leap to give up what I have right now based on the belief that something better is possible.

Back in the Saddle

It's official, I'm single again. I broke it off with P on Tuesday night. He was sadder and sweeter about it than I expected. I was sad, but not inconsolable, as I was during our almost-breakup back in June. It sounds silly and a bit crazy, but that Duck Song really helped me finally understand and accept. I love P, and I will (and do) miss him a lot. But he can't love me back, or at least not in the way I need. I'm still very sad, but I get now that while I genuinely do miss him and the good parts of what we had, what I am really grieving is the loss of what I WISH we'd had.

Last night I was sorting through some boxes that I have hauled from attic to attic for years, forcing myself to decide what could get tossed. It was fun to find old keepsakes, many of which I loved, but had forgotten. I put many of them out to display last night and while it probably makes my house look a little cluttered in spots, I love seeing these treasures again. The cool/scary sword I bought in Portugal, all the oil paintings I did before I had kids (which are mediocre at best, but, hey, I made them!), the gorgeous conch shells exH and I brought back from our honeymoon. Among the memories were a bunch of old letters from ex-boyfriends, plus a journal I kept briefly my senior year in college. Wow, were those eye-opening! I cannot believe the hysterics I worked myself into over these guys. Even though I repeated some of those patterns with P (which is hard to admit; I was trying so hard!), I am glad that I've at least been more rational and mature in how I've handled myself and how I came to see the relationship for what it was.

That's all for now. I hope this blog won't become too boring without all the tortured tales of P! I'm going to embrace being single for awhile, but I hope someday there will be new romantic adventures to report.

Got Any Grapes?

Yesterday, R sent me a link to The Duck Song, which his kids love. Go ahead, watch it if you have a sec. If you don't have time, or like me, refuse to click on most of the links people recommend, here's a brief recap. A cute, but annoying duck waddles up to a lemonade stand and asks for grapes. The nice man explains that he doesn't sell grapes, only lemonade. The scene is repeated day after day and the nice man becomes increasingly irritated with this obtuse duck who just doesn't get it.


My initial reaction was to be a bit irked with R for making me watch this inane video. My second reaction was to hope that Boo never sees it, as we already play our our own little version of this drama every day when he insists on eating or wearing something that I just don't have at the moment. Over and over.
But after pondering it overnight, I had a revelation. I'm the duck. Stick with me here, you might be a duck too. How many times have I persisted in asking or hoping for something from someone that they simply don't have to give? Take ExH. For years, I asked him for time, attention, involvement in our life together. I asked him to get help for his ADD, anger, and drinking issues. I asked him to be engaged and loving to our children. I asked over and over, for years and years. And nothing ever changed. Because he was simply not capable of giving me those things. Yet I kept asking, growing increasingly angry and unhappy.
Now, this is not to excuse his behavior or in any way suggest that I should have put up and shut up. It's just to help understand my actions in the situation. It seems clear to me now that I was just as irrational in some ways as I thought he was. What I wanted and needed was perfectly reasonable, but what sane person repeatedly asks for grapes at a lemonade stand? It seems to me that a sane person (or duck!) would do one of the following things:

1. Walk away and head to the nearest produce stand.

2. Decide lemonade might be as satisfying as grapes and enjoy a glass.

3. Ask whether the lemonade stand would consider stocking grapes (if not, see #1).

It's like Einstein's famous definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I've been doing this with P, too, and not surprisingly, every time he failed to produce the grapes, I was disappointed. But still I kept going back, day after day, hoping the results would somehow change. No wonder I was making myself crazy!
(Now, if you watched the clip, you might wonder how the ending fits with my analogy. It doesn't really. Sorry to disappoint!)

So Here We Are

You know that old saying "wherever you go, there you are"? Well, here we are on the other side of what may have been the most challenging, exhausting month of my adult life. We are moved in (mostly, please ignore the 20 or so unpacked boxes scattered about), and more importantly, moved out. The old place is clean and empty and ready for the impending Canadian invasion. I feel a lot of things right now ... relieved, bone-tired, satisfied, alone (in a good way), alone (in a bad way), disoriented, and at home.

Overall, moving went as well as it could, and there were a few surprises along the way.

1. ExH was incredibly helpful, thoughtful, and kind. Whether he was feeling remorse for his behavior or started taking his medication again, I don't know, but he was (and no, I can't believe I'm saying this either) a godsend. He took my car to get fixed when the battery died the day before the move (and waited for it for four hours), packed up the last of the kitchen for me, did all sorts of little last-minute tasks, dealt with the movers, and most importantly, kept me company throughout the entire 12-hour process. Whatever he's done in the past and will undoubtedly do in the future, I'm grateful for those two days.

2. God, I have a lot of stuff. While not exactly headline news, I was completely floored by how many boxes I ended up needing (and now, unpacking).

3. Painting ceilings can cause you to lose sensation in several fingers on your right hand ... which has still not come back after almost a week. Also, painting ceilings should never, ever, ever be attempted at night. Just take my word on that please.

4. I need a wheelbarrow. Now THAT is a phrase this city girl never thought she would say.

5. It is substantially harder to move furniture on carpet than it is on hardwood. See Exhibits A and B, my very bruised legs.

The good news (other than that it's over!) is that the kids' rooms came out so well and they were absolutely thrilled. Boo's room is still waiting on Superman and Batman to join Spidey on the walls, but otherwise they are done. Please note, the yellow is much warmer and softer than it came out in the photo. Oddly, the pink is pretty accurate.

The rest of the house is a work in progress. I'm pleased but not overjoyed with how my living room colors turned out. I played it safe with lighter shades, which while pretty, don't have quite the impact I envisioned. So there may be some repainting in my near future.

You may notice that P is pretty much absent from this post. The weekend before I moved, he was so helpful and we had a fabulous few days together until right before he left on Sunday. We got into the stupidest argument ever (which was I'm guessing, in the tradition of all great stupid arguments, really about something else entirely, though I can't say what) and then I barely saw him last week. Not even a quick email or IM to check in on me during the move, or to ask about weekend plans, nothing.

I think I may be ready, finally, to let P go. It's so hard and sad because there's so much that's great with us. But I feel like I am holding up the entire relationship and my arms are tired. I wish so much that P could be what I need him to be, but it seems increasingly clear (and if I'm honest, it always was) that he's just not willing or able to be that guy. I don't blame him -- he is who he is -- and I am grateful for all that I have learned from him and all he has done and been for me. He's one of the coolest people I've ever met and if this is really it, I will miss him and our long talks about nothing and everything.

Breakdown to Breakthrough

It feels like weeks or months since I last posted instead of just a few days. Nothing has really changed -- exH is still broke and somewhat crazy, I am still broke and overwhelmed by finances and boxes -- but in some subtle way, *I* have changed. Now, I'll be honest and say that it's also possible that the Lexapro has kicked in. Except that I was on the same dose a year and a half ago and never felt much of a difference. So who knows. But with or without a little chemical boost, sometime in the past few days, I just decided to let go. And here's the trick ... this time, I think I actually did it.

As some of you know, I've talked a good game on this topic before, but secretly (or not so secretly) I always kept clinging to some small bit of control here and there. Control over exH, over my relationship with P, over money. The way I can tell that something has actually changed is that I feel lighter. Literally. I embrace that there are some things that I have no control over and never will. Like how someone feels toward me (good or bad), whether I get a raise, or whether and when exH finds a new job. A few things are under my control -- how I treat others, how I choose to manage the money I do have, how well I perform at work, whether I exercise and get enough sleep -- and that is all I can do. And while I can always do better, I think I am faring pretty well in those areas. I have been kind (mostly) to exH despite his behavior, loving (if a bit impatient) with Lulu and Boo, responsible with money, competent at work, and caring and accepting of P. I am moving forward with the move to the new house, plowing through all the phone calls and emails involved with closing on a mortgage, transferring utilities, registering Lulu at school, etc.

None of this is exactly fun, but it's satisfying in the way that drudgery can sometimes be. Moving is awful, but also cathartic. And once again, I am reminded that I can do just fine on my own. That doesn't mean I like it, or that this is how I want to live the rest of my life, but it's reassuring to know I can do it.

About Blame and Change

For those of you who've told me you know what I'm going through, I hope this post from Susan Elliott will help you a little. It definitely helped me.

On Blame

Same Song, Second Verse

I've started to post a couple times this week, but things are still not going well, and somehow putting it in writing felt like it made it even worse. After a few days of truce, exH has started up with the nasty email rants. I wish I had followed my instincts to pack up and move out early, but I didn't and now I've just got to ride out the next 9 days until he leaves for a trip. Once he gets back, there will be just 3 days until we move.

For now, I am barely sleeping or eating. Even when he's out for the night, I still can't sleep without my bedroom door locked, a chair pushed up against it just in case, and a couple of Xanax to calm my anxiety. I am just so fearful that he will drink too much and show up at my door with his hateful, angry rants. I must seem crazy to some people -- P doesn't get it, for sure -- but whether or not my fears are rational, they are definitely real.

As I may have said here before, I've never been much for prayer or faith, but I don't mind telling you that I am praying now. ExH needs something good to happen. I need to sleep. We all need peace.

Wiped Out

This has been a tough week. It has been scary and overwhelming and emotional and a hard slap of reality. It has also reminded me that I can take care of myself and prompted me to remember that as bad as things feel right now, I've been through worse and made it out ok.

In his despair and anger over the divorce and losing his job, ExH turned on me in such a hateful, frightening (though not physical) way. It is sad to me that after making it through the last year and half, he has chosen to destroy the care and goodwill I had for him. Not to mention his refusal to pay child support even though he will get paid for two more months. But that's only money. The things he said were the real problem. He's calmed down a little now but I can't imagine that anything will be the same again.

It has really been a bad week. But it's just that -- a week, or at worst the three weeks until we can move. The money stuff will somehow work out. I can't spend my life bouncing from crisis to crisis ... just getting through the days. I want more for myself than that. So no more of this constant obsessing about money, or P, or exH. When it comes to money, all I can do is to work hard, be responsible and frugal, and prepare as best I can. No amount of hours spent staring at the ceiling worrying is going to magically double my bank account. P ... well, he is who he is and I have to accept that he probably won't change. He's been there for me as much as he can be, we've had some great times together, and I hope that will continue for awhile. If I need more at some point, well, I may have to move on. For exH, all I can do is be a good mother, try to be compassionate, and do what I need to do to protect myself and my kids from his troubles.

Here's to a better week ahead.

Breaking Point

Remember that post the other day about exH losing it? Wait, was that only yesterday? It seems like a long time ago. Before exH got even crazier, before I decided to pack up and move out two weeks early (and later decided not to), before he lost his only client and effectively became unemployed. Before I was facing an indefinite period of time without child support. Give me back the craziness of yesterday because today might hit the list of top 10 worst days ever.

But I have always been good in a crisis. That's what'll be chiseled on my gravestone, I'm sure, because that is what everyone always says about me. I suppose it's true. The day-to-day nonsense seems to easily overwhelm me, but today I haven't shed a single tear. I've calmly made phone calls, gathered information, and weighed my options. I've been decisive and determined. So, yeah, I can handle a crisis. But here's the secret: This is when I feel most alone. Because even at my best, my most capable and confident, there is only me.

Even though I feel alone, and even though there is not much they can really do, I am grateful for my mom, sister, R, and P right now. My mom, who will literally do anything for me. Who would gladly give me the money to make this all go away if I asked, but from whom I cannot ask another dollar. My mom, who knows what emotional abuse is and how deeply its invisible scars run, who loves me and my children more than her own life, who even loves exH if only because he is her grandchildren's father. My sister, who barely knows me, but loves me just the same. Who is coming to spend a week here just to help me paint the new place and play with my children while I settle in. My sister, who is seven years younger and who I have ignored for most of the past 20 years (benignly not hatefully, but still), but who still asked me to be her maid of honor. And did I mention helping me paint? R, who listens and listens and listens and chases after me when I have to leave the building in order to preserve my pristine record of not crying at work. And finally P, who gives me a place to go when I can't be home, who doesn't really want to have to take care of anyone other than himself but who is in his own small way taking care of me anyway.

Ties That Bind

I'm starting to wonder what the point is of getting a divorce when you have children. Because here's the thing, unless your ex moves across the country or is a deadbeat who never wants to see his kids, you're never really free. Sure, you can live in separate places (and we will in 23 days, thank god), and you can get married again (the horror!), but as long as you are co-parenting and reliant on child support, the ex is always going to be there. For better or worse.

Today is one of the "for worse" days. ExH is panicked about losing his main client (and pretty much his sole source of income), scared (I think) about us moving out (and on) and so he is lashing out at me. Again. This is a huge part of why we are divorced, and somehow I hoped once we weren't married anymore, it would stop. But no, it's just the legal ties that have been cut. The emotional link is still there and his tirades still frighten me almost as much. He has much less power over me than he used to for sure, but as long as I need child support from him, he's got power all the same. All I can do is hope he pulls himself together ... and plan for the worst in the meantime.

Even though I have my mom and friends who care about me like R and A and P, during days like this, I can't help but feel very alone. There is only so much any of them can do to help me. Ultimately, it's on me to make sure Lulu and Boo and I are safe and secure ... physically, emotionally, and financially. When exH is sane, he is a good father, and I know I am lucky for that. But I can't count on him, or anyone else, really. It's all on me, and what happens if I fail?

Miss Independent

Yesterday, P took me to a party with some of his college friends. I was surprised when he asked, and guessed that this wasn't something he usually did. And sure enough, as we were leaving to head to his friend's place, he mentioned that he never brings girls to parties. So I was nervous -- especially because there is just about nothing scarier for me than a party where I don't know anyone -- but everything went very well. I liked his friends and felt comfortable enough that I could hold my own when he wasn't around. He didn't abandon me or anything; I'm just glad he didn't feel like he had to be by my side all night. I saw a glimpse of the confident, cool, independent girlfriend I want to be with him.

I can't shake the feeling I've had the past few weeks that this is a real make-it-or-break-it time for me and P. I feel like he's weighing whether or not he can be the relationship type, and if he can, am I the right girl? Honestly, I don't know if I am or not, but I think I want to be. This afternoon when I left, I could tell he was getting restless with me there. I teased him that the most he could stand me was 24 hours, but there's some truth to that. I know it's not me -- I wasn't demanding attention or entertainment -- it's just that he needs time alone. I get that, and for once I didn't take it personally. I wasn't happy to leave him, but I felt good about recognizing his boundaries and being able to let him have the space he needs without it being a reflection on anything else. Yet another glimpse of that independent girl that just maybe I can be.

Paint It Black?

If you are reading this, you are in a very elite group. Well, a very small group at least! I have a few dozen regular readers -- some as far away as Russia and the United Arab Emirates -- most of whom are online friends. But there are a few of you I don't know. Maybe you found me through another blog or through Blogger, but most of you find me through a Google search ... for paint. Yes, paint. Apparently, the few posts about paint colors sprinkled among my self-indulgent ramblings about P are attracting a small audience. Who knew?

So just for fun, here's a post for my painting peeps. Just ignore all relationship angst and enjoy some pics of various paint colors I've used and loved over the years.

Benjamin Moore St. Martin Sand ... warm taupe that looks gorgeous with black and white accents.

Benjamin Moore Hasbrouck Brown (behind the shelves) ... perfect chocolate brown shade, not too warm, not too dark.

Benjamin Moore Bird's Egg ... so pretty and calming without being washed out. I'm using the color above it on the paint strip (Crystal Blue) for the ceilings in my new house.

Benjamin Moore August Morning ... a beautiful apricot color, but only use it in a sunny room! (Ask me how I know this.) This is probably my favorite room ever. It was the living room in my 90-year-old house in Birmingham. Love the color, the old floors, the woodwork, the stone fireplace.

Restoration Hardware Sea Green ... not green at all, but a lovely aqua. This is my bedroom in my current house.

Benjamin Moore Pale Sea Mist (above and at left) ... used in three houses now, and I've never gotten tired of it. A lovely light green.

Restoration Hardware Shore ... nice blue, not too "baby boy". It's not really my favorite, but exH picked it when this room was his office. It is lovely with the slate blue couch he has in there now.

Restoration Hardware Rose ... beautiful medium pink color; a perfect match to the Shabby Chic line at Target. This used to be Lulu's room before she decided to move in with Boo. I still love how it came out. You can't tell, but the slanted ceilings are painted RH Peony, a much paler version of Rose.

Benjamin Moore Jamaican Aqua ... love this color! It might be a little much for a large room, but I just adore it for a smaller bedroom or bathroom. So beachy and pretty.

Benjamin Moore White Sand... not my favorite choice, but we repainted with selling the house in mind, and it works fine for that. It's a warm off-white.

The Art of Doing Nothing

I'm working very hard right now at doing nothing. It's not easy. In fact, it's downright painful. Have you ever tried to do nothing? To just sit still and ... be still? To not say or do anything? It's one of the hardest things I've done. I'm a type-A, first-born, overachiever. I'm always doing *something.*

Why all this effort for nothing? I know that right now, I need to let P go a little. Not completely, not forever, but I need a little distance ... I need to get some perspective if we're going to continue and even more so if we're not. And I think P could benefit from some space too. So I'm stepping back, leaving P alone, not making plans with him ... basically doing nothing. I have probably walked past his desk a dozen times today and not stopped. I've pulled up his name on IM and not typed. I've started to ask about going out tonight and caught myself just in time. I'm exhausted from all of this non-action.

Along with the art of doing nothing, I'm also trying to be ok with being alone, something I used to love and crave. Right now, I find being alone very uncomfortable. I think it gives me too much time to think, too much time to give in and do something to alleviate the discomfort of being alone. It's puzzling because I was alone 90% of my non-kid time from the day exH moved out (and honestly, a lot before that too) to the day P and I got together. I didn't mind at all. Before I met exH, I was alone a lot, mostly by choice, and that was fine too. So why is it so hard now?

And Here We Go Again

Here's a piece of advice for you: never, never, never say you're happy. OK, well that may be a bit extreme, but at least if you're me, it bears remembering. Because the moment I look around and say, hey, things are good right now, I actually feel happy ...? They fall apart.

So last weekend was awesome. And Wednesday night, also awesome. P took me out to my favorite restaurant to celebrate my divorce and we had so much fun during and after dinner. Thursday and Friday I was literally beaming I was so happy. I couldn't wait to see P again on Saturday night, sleep over, and spend a lazy Sunday morning with him. Then came Saturday morning and a text from P, asking if we could skip our date that night. He had overindulged the night before, hadn't gotten any sleep, and was exhausted. I wasn't mad, but I was incredibly bummed. Not only was I not going to get to see him, but I was going to have to hang out at home instead of getting a much-needed break from exH and the kids. And all because he acted like an idiot Friday night. I tried to play it cool, but P knew I was upset. He apologized and we agreed to hang out on Sunday. I was still pretty unhappy that night, but I resolved to get past it and have a good day.

But the minute I got to his place on Sunday, something was off. I felt a little uncomfortable and I was quieter than usual. P asked if I was still mad, I said no, but he kept insisting I was. I offered to leave because it was just so awkward. We ended up arguing about the day before -- he thought I overreacted, I explained why I had been upset (sad not to see him, bummed about having to stay home and I was clear with him that the latter was not his problem, just a result of my awkward living situation). We eventually got through it and hung out the rest of the day, but it just didn't feel right. I don't want to try to get into P's head or anything, but I feel like we're both struggling. He seems to be struggling with what it means to be in a relationship again -- how does he maintain his freedom and independence while also being with me. I am struggling not to rush things, to take my time (lots of time!) to find out if this is a person I want to share a life with. The good news is that we are both trying to work it out instead of giving up.

So. We are back to the NWO. I am going to (continue to) give P space and focus (still, more) on building up my life outside of him. Saturday wouldn't have been so tough if I had other friends to go out with. Whether or not things ultimately work out with P, I can't be so reliant on him for my social life. Still, making friends at 35 is tough, and it's even tougher when you're divorced -- any suggestions?

5 Things I Wish I'd Known Before

I wanted to share a post I just read on another site titled "20 Things I Wish I'd Known When I Was 20." The author strikes me as a wise woman. Hell, I wish I knew all of these things at 35! I wasted so much time and energy on people and pursuits that just didn't get me anywhere or make my life any better. Of course, I learned a lot, too, but I wish I hadn't made myself so miserable in the process.
Here are a few things I wish I'd learned earlier (and still sometimes have to remind myself) ...

1. Talk less, listen more. You learn a lot more about people when, surprise!, you shut up and listen to what they are saying. One piece of relationship advice I've taken to heart is "when someone tells you who they are, believe them." I could have saved myself a lot of pain by figuring that one out sooner, but it's hard to really listen when you're too busy weaving a fantasy version of your future together. Plus, I talk a lot when I'm nervous or upset and really, it never helps.
2a. You can't make someone love you. Obvious, right? One would think. But I didn't get that until recently and I spent a lot of time crying over boys I loved (or thought I loved) who either didn't love me back or stopped loving me. Sometimes it was caused by something I had done, sometimes they just loved someone else more, but sometimes it wasn't any of that, they just ... didn't.

2b. You don't want someone who doesn't want you. Period. Don't waste your time because ... you can't make someone love you.

3. The hardest choice is not necessarily the right one. I cannot tell you how many times I have chosen the more difficult of two paths for no other reason than that somehow I believed that the hard choice was the better one. I picked an expensive college (where I ended up with lots of debt) over perfectly lovely schools that wanted to give me a scholarship, chose (more than once) the hard-to-get guy over the very nice one who treated me well ... sometimes the path of least resistance is worth considering too.

4. Don't buy things you can't afford. I still struggle with this, even after some seriously scary bouts with debt. It's MUCH better now, but from clothes to cars to houses, I still struggle with living within my means.

5. No one and no thing can make you happy. Sure, there are people who make your life better or worse, and things can make your life easier or harder, but nothing and no one can make you happy. It's such a tough lesson to learn, one that I just may be finally starting to get. For sure, it makes it easier to follow #s 2 and 4 when you know deep down that you are the only one who is responsible for your happiness.

I'm sure there are many, many more, but those are just a few I want to remember.

NWO Update ...

So a little more than a week into this, I am pleased with how I've been managing my feelings. The jealousy and unease over WW is still there, but it's not as painful as it was, even as she wears short skirts and tight tops to work every day. I just try to remember point #2a above ... despite their closeness, P is choosing to be with me right now, but I can't do anything to make him keep choosing me. Someday he might choose her instead, or someone else in the office, or someone he meets out at a bar. For now, he's chosen me and I can't worry about what might happen in the future. I just have to hope that if at some point he wants to be with her or someone else, he'll man up and tell me as he's promised he will. And if that happens, please remind me of point #2b.

It does help to remember that P and I are not forever. We are about having fun right now, for as long as it lasts, and that's perfectly fine. It's hard to keep my emotions in check, especially when we have a nice evening or weekend together, but it's important to remind myself that while P is a great guy, we've likely maxed out on what he can give. For now, it's enough.

Tonight he's promised me dinner to celebrate my divorce. I can't wait!

D-Day

One year, four months, and fourteen days after exH stormed out on a random, ordinary Saturday night after a random, ordinary argument, which was so odd and out of the blue that I panicked and checked his email where I found dozens of notes revealing an affair with a colleague, we're finally divorced. I expected to feel sad or relieved or exhausted or nostalgic or ... well, SOMETHING. But I really felt nothing. I gave about 5 minute of testimony in front of the judge and it was done and I went on with my day. I wonder if it will hit me later, or ever.

The strangest thing about all of this is how different my life is now than it was on February 7, 2009. You know from reading here that it's tough sometimes. I get lonely and sad and borderline crazy at times (ok, many times). But I felt all those things while I was with exH, too. Only I was scared, too, and even more lonely because there is nothing lonelier than feeling alone with someone else in the same room. The difference is that now, sometimes, I also have FUN. I have a standing Saturday night date. I enjoy things like drinking and sex that had become minefields with exH. I lost 10 pounds, started exercising, and look great in a bikini. I am not always or even often happy, but I am far happier with who I am and how I am living my life than I have been in probably a decade.

So here's to day 1 of my life as a single girl!

And Now a Word From Dr. Phil ...

Back before Dr. Phil turned into Jerry Springer, way back when he was just a guest on Oprah, he actually had some great relationship advice. My favorite: Would you rather be right or be happy? Not, you know, that I live it, but it's totally true. Another little gem: Act as if. And finally, this pearl (and I paraphrase): The only way to change someone else is to change yourself.

That last one may not be original, but it's incredibly powerful. We all know you can't change another person, right? But what you can change is the dynamic between you. If you change your behavior, 9 times out of 10, the other person will change how they react to you. I wish I had fully understood that principle, oh, say 20 years ago. Have you ever seen it in action? It's truly amazing. It works with lovers, friends, kids, coworkers ... people are powerless NOT to change their behavior toward you once you've changed how you treat them.

Which brings us to my weekend with P. After getting past the initial post-fight-are-we-OK? jitters Thursday, I was looking forward to my Saturday night date with P. He'd spend the day at work and was happy to kick back and relax too. I was determined that no matter what happened, we would not fight or argue ... I would not so much as look at him funny. I needed to see that we could just have fun. And we had a blast. We walked over to our new favorite hangout, a burger joint around the corner from his place, had dinner and a few beers and then went home and watched Couples Retreat. (Pretty funny movie if you're a fan of Vince Vaughn and company.) This morning we woke up, did some work for our big launch this week, ran some errands, and got some lunch. Nothing too exciting, but it was easy and laid-back and ... FUN. It reminded me of all the ways P and I are good together.

Walking back from lunch, I was thinking how easy the weekend had been. I hadn't had to suppress any worries or frustrations. I wasn't once tempted to bring up a problem. P must have gotten suspicious because when I went to kiss him goodbye he grabbed me and said, smiling, "we didn't fight at all this weekend ... were you on your best behavior?" I smiled back and said I'd had a great time and that I simply didn't want to fight with him anymore. He looked puzzled, as if he wasn't quite sure what that meant. "Wait," he said as I headed out, "when are we hanging out again? Tuesday? Wednesday?"

I about fainted right there. Now, many of you will not appreciate the magnitude of P -- commitment-phobe in all matters, including committing to plans more than a day ahead, and who has maybe twice in nearly six months initiated plans with me  -- actually asking me to go out, and on a specific night no less! I'm sure I looked as shocked as I felt, and I can't even remember what he said next. But I promised to consult exH's schedule and get back to him with a day that we can go out to celebrate my divorce being finally final (tomorrow is the big day!).

And all of this came after P suggested I leave a bathing suit at his place so we could hang out at his pool over the summer. I teased him, saying I thought that leaving actual clothing at his place might cause him panic attacks, but that I would settle for keeping a toothbrush there. He laughed and said I could leave anything I wanted.

None of this may seem like a big deal, and I promise you I am trying hard not to read too much into it, merely remarking on what has to be the biggest change in behavior that I have noticed in P since he first asked me out. Back then, I was startled to find that he wasn't at all like the work nemesis I had seen him as for years. And now? I don't know what to think. My beloved (but frustratingly passive and confrontation-averse) P, voluntarily bringing up last weekend's drama? Inviting me to leave clothes and makeup at his place? Chasing after me to make plans days in advance? Who IS this guy? Hard to imagine that it's all because I decided to chill out for a few days. But ... maybe?

Thanks, Dr. Phil!

Oh the Drama!

I just spent an hour or so reading through Natalie's fabulous 30 Days of Drama Reduction Series on her also fabulous blog, Baggage Reclaim. While not all of the 30 posts spoke to me, many felt like reading my own diary. Deep down, I know I have always been a bit (a lot!) of a drama queen in relationships, and seeing my own history and patterns laid bare, well, it was both horrifying and comforting. Because clearly I am not the only one.

I was also comforted to see that much of the advice offered was right in line with the New World Order -- take a step back, identify drama triggers, and develop coping mechanisms for averting them. So perhaps I am on the right path.

Today went well. I was feeling less anxious about P after our nice evening last night. We have plans to go out tomorrow, and I am hoping for a low-key, relaxing night. He's out at a work-sponsored pub crawl tonight, something that might have worried me at one point (like, you know, last week), but I find myself merely hoping he has fun and looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. Drama-free.

NWO, Day 4

Another busy day, but that didn't calm my thoughts much. There is so much swirling around in my head -- craziness at work, the divorce hearing on Monday, exH's lack of stability, the situation with P -- that my anxiety levels are sky-high. P is stressed out too, so I was hesitant about having dinner with him this evening. I haven't felt so nervous around him since our first few dates! But after a few moments of uncertainty, we fell into our routine -- I cooked, he cleaned, we bitched about work, and caught up on all our non-work stuff. And by the time I left, things felt, if not amazing, then at least OK. So we'll see. I don't want to jump back in until I'm sure that's the right thing for both of us.

No swimming tonight -- I was so anxious throughout the day that I actually had a stomachache -- and I did break the no-weeknights rule with P, but I'm glad I did.

Thoughts on Perspective (and NWO update, day 3)

 

At work, I occasionally teach a class on public speaking. Not because I am great at it, but because it used to terrify me. With some encouragement and a class that offered some tips, I got over my fear and now regularly present in front of 200+ people. I don't love it, but I no longer dread it, either, and I enjoy helping other coworkers get past their public speaking anxiety. During class this week, one person said that the best advice I gave was to have perspective -- get out of your head and remember that no one cares as much about you as you care about you.

 

I wish I lived that advice as well as I taught it. It would have saved me a lot of unhappiness in my life. I've always cared far too much what other people think about me, and in the worst examples, actually changed the way I thought about myself based on what others thought (or worse still, what I thought they thought). As a result, I've spent a lot of my life feeling insecure, uneasy, and unworthy (of what I couldn't even say).

 

If that's not the definition of crazy, I don't know what is. At least I am finally able to see it for what it is and take (baby) steps to change it.

 

Having perspective on life overall is also crucial. I know I get sucked into the various dramas and challenges of my daily life to the point where I forget just how relatively benign they really are. Yes, divorce is tough, but I am lucky to have a very amicable relationship with exH and the process, while not painless for sure, has been manageable. I attended a court-required parenting course last weekend and my situation was easily the least unpleasant. There were women whose husbands were in jail or were abusive or on drugs, women who were flat-out terrified to let their children near their dads, and women who hadn't heard from the dads in years. There were two men whose wives/girlfriends had just vanished -- in one case with the child, in one case without. These people were dealing with issues I couldn't imagine in my worst nightmares.

 

Right after that class, I came home to read a post from an online friend about the sudden and horrible death of a friend of hers, a mother to young girls, at a baseball game of all places. I was again reminded of how fortunate I am, and how little time might be left for any of us. Do I really want to spend it feeling sorry for myself and worrying about what other people think?

 

Then today, I wrote an anniversary card to a couple whose wedding I attended 10 years ago tomorrow. We have slowly grown apart over the years, but I reconnected with them last fall when the wife was diagnosed with leukemia. They have two children, a 3-year-old boy and a 1-year-old girl, and while I hurt for them and everything they are going through, it has also been a joy to read their weekly email updates and to see the humor and grace with which they are handling this very difficult time. (Happily, Liz just completed a bone marrow transplant and her prognosis is very good.)

 

So, yes, perspective. This is perhaps the most challenging time in my life thus far, but I have family and friends to support me, a good job to provide for our financial needs, and we are all healthy. That's not something you can take for granted.

 

NWO, Day 3

Sigh. Today wasn't as easy.  I ran into P with WW a couple of times and was struck with the same old pang of jealousy. I wonder if despite the many ways P and I fit well together, this is just the one spot where we will always rub against each other. I have a pair of shoes like that -- they fit great except for this one small point on my right big toe that always blisters. I knew today -- a relatively meeting-free expanse of free time -- might post a challenge, so I had a plan. I ran errands for a couple hours during the day, and that helped clear my head. Later in the day P and I had a meeting together and got to catch up for a few minutes before everyone else arrived, so that was nice. Before all the drama I had offered to make him dinner this week, so we talked about doing that tomorrow or over the weekend. I was surprised to realize that while of course I want to see him, I'm also nervous. 

I came home in a pretty good mood, only to have exH ask to borrow money and get angry when I said I didn't have it to lend. He yelled about all the money (child support) he "gives" me. It's not like that's just extra for me to stash in my savings account! It's frustrating -- I see (numerous) receipts for $100-$200 dinners with his new girlfriend and he's always taking the kids out to nice restaurants. I pointed out to him that if he didn't spend so much money, he wouldn't need to borrow from me. That of course made him angrier, but you know what? I don't go out for nice dinners. I can't afford to take the kids out very often, it might be once a month.

Sigh. Perspective.

NWO, Day 2

Just a quick update tonight ... another jam-packed day meant little time to be tempted to talk to P. I saw him around the office and in a meeting, so that was nice, but I was easily able to keep my "give him space" pledge. I swam for an hour after work, so the "time for me" part of the plan is also right on target!

New World Order, Day 1: Success!

Today was an easy day, a gimme, really. I got to work about an hour later than usual, went for coffee with R, which ate up another hour as I poured out the whole shameful weekend saga, then was in meetings for two more hours before leaving early for the day to take Lulu and Boo to their ice skating lesson. So not too much time in there to fret about P. He did stop by to say hello as I was heading off to a meeting -- the perfect brief, but happy encounter to set the tone for the week.

Mondays are my night with Lulu and Boo, so no swimming, but I'm planning to go tomorrow and Thursday, plus once over the weekend. So all in all, it was an excellent first day in the NWO. Tomorrow brings another flurry of meetings so I am hopeful of another day of smooth sailing.


And the winners are ... 

I know you are all dying to know which paint colors I chose for the new house. OK, so you've forgotten all about that in all the P-related insanity, but not me! When it comes to obsessing, I am the queen of all multi-taskers!

Living room: Benjamin Moore Lido Green (a soft robin's egg blue) walls with a Crystal Blue ceiling. Here are some photos to give you an idea. (Lido Green is the first one.)

My bedroom: White walls (gasp! for the first time ever!) with C2 Bella Donna (smoky lavender gray) on the ceiling.

Lulu and Boo's rooms haven't changed -- Benjamin Moore Cat's Meow for her and Golden Honey for Boo. Both will have Crystal Blue on the ceiling. Restoration Hardware Cappuccino for my bathroom, and Benjamin Moore Super White semigloss on the trim throughout the house.

All that's left undecided is their bathroom and the kitchen. For their bath, I am thinking of mixing together the 7 or 8 pint samples of various aquas I tested. I can't bear to toss all that lovely paint and I bet the mixed-up color would be gorgeous! The kitchen is going to wait until my sister comes out to visit. She offered to help me paint the cabinets, so the walls will wait until I can coordinate the cabinet and wall colors with the existing granite countertops (which are a nice sandy color, which will fit my beach theme nicely).

I can't wait to see everything put together!

Startling Realization and a P.S.

Here's the problem with blogging. It's a permanent record. And after P said yesterday that he feels like we're always in crisis mode lately, I decided to man up and check the transcript, as it were. I read every blog post about P and he's right. I have blogged nearly every week about some problem I have with him ... he's not into me ... he doesn't IM me during the week ... we're lacking a deeper connection ... angst about WW ... more angst about WW ... etc.

Wow. That's pretty brutal when you look at it from P's perspective -- regardless of whether my concerns were justified (I think a few were legit, most were overblown) -- that's a lot of "we need to talk" moments for one fledgling relationship.

So here's the postscript ... I'm going to try to post once a day for the next few weeks, even if it's just a line or two, to track the progress of my New World Order pledge. Am I managing my relationship anxieties? Following through on giving P (and me) some breathing room? Getting enough sleep? Swimming 3 times a week? Making time for other friends?

And just to be clear ... I am doing these things for ME, not to make P happy. I do suspect that if I can keep myself balanced, P and I just might be OK (and I'm certain that if I can't, we won't), but no matter what happens with him, I need to make sure I am keeping myself sane.

The New World Order Starts Now

P and I had a tough night last night. We talked (a lot), argued (a bit), decided to break it off (twice), I left and came back (once), cried (way too much), and somewhere in there had a wonderful evening listening to music and laughing  together despite everything. P even played his old band's CD for me for the first time despite many previous requests.

Ultimately, after lots of tears and back and forth, P said he didn't want to end it, he just wanted to change the dynamics and reduce the drama. I think it might be too late, but because I've never been one to walk away when there's still a glimmer of possibility, I decided to give it one more shot, understanding much more clearly where my boundaries (and his) are right now. Like, neither of us want a relationship that has more drama than fun; we both have a lot of stress and pressure in our lives and if we are going to continue dating, it needs to be a positive force in both our lives. Like, he promises to always be honest with me about how he feels (about me and about other women in his life), but he doesn't agree to be interrogated endlessly about them, Like, I may not be entirely comfortable with or fully understand those unusually close female friends, but as long as they are just friends and not affecting our relationship, then it's not fair for me to ask him to give them up.

Sounds great, right? I've been here before -- profound epiphany! followed by a return right back to the same old hamster wheel. So what am I going to change to give this a shot at success?

1. Dial back the intensity. Stop seeing P during the week (at least as a rule, I'm sure there will be the occasional weeknight happy hour or dinner, but not every week). He's used to a little more time to himself than he's been getting and while he says he's happy to see me anytime, I now see that it can get to be too much, especially when work is particularly busy. And I need to get refocused on making time for myself -- to swim, see friends, go to a movie, whatever. Part of my balance issues lately definitely revolve around too much time away from home and too many late nights. So I'm going to work on correcting that so I can be at my best for my kids, at my job, and when I see P.


2. Get real about the relationship. I'm hoping that getting more exercise and more sleep will also help me regain some much-needed perspective on what P is and what he can be to me. P is not my forever guy. Repeat: P is not my forever guy. I've said it before, but now I need to work on believing it. P does not want to get married. P likes kids, but does not want to be a father or stepfather. And while I am prepared to accept P's complicated friendships while we're dating, they do add just enough unease to my feelings for him that it will probably keep me from getting as close to him as I could otherwise. But on the other hand, P and I do genuinely care for each other and we have a lot of fun together. And I am in no way ready for my forever guy. P knows all of this and understands. He has seen me at my worst and still wants me. Ultimately, I think maybe I will become another one of his unusually close female friends, and you know what, that might be kind of nice.

3. Rinse, repeat, and refocus. The only way this works is if I actually follow through. AND if I find something else to focus my obsessiveness on. My psyche right now is like a particularly dangerous neighborhood, complete with abandoned buildings, busted-out cars, and random gunfire -- you don't want to go there at all, and especially not at night. So I've got to give my brain something else to do ... blog, read, work, memorize poetry ... anything other than THINK. I particularly need something to do at work when seedy thoughts start to lurk around on the street corners looking for a fight. Any suggestions?

Oh readers, when will I learn? Drinking + serious conversations with P = a mess. Last night, I went out for drinks with P and another coworker, B. We had a great time, but P and I both drank too much. I had decided to hold off on talking to him about the WW situation for another time, but of course once we got back to his place, I blurted out the whole thing, sobbing. P tried to comfort me and said all the right things in terms of how he feels about her and how he feels about me -- and I believed him -- but I don't know if it's enough. He's not going to stop spending all that time with her (and yes, she did go with him to get his hair cut) and even though I believe that there is nothing romantic going on, it's not going to hurt any less to know he's doing all those things with her and not me.

R asked an interesting question -- would I be as upset if WW were a guy? -- and I have to admit that it wouldn't bother me as much. And if we didn't work together, I might never even know she existed. They don't hang out or even talk on nights and weekends, so it would probably not even be a factor if I didn't see him during the day.

I still don't know what I am going to do. I left last night in tears amid kisses and apologies from P, who seemed genuinely shocked and sorry that the haircut thing had hurt me so much. I told him when I left that I would try to deal with it and we made tentative plans for the weekend. But I don't know if I can.

One the one hand, I do believe him that the relationship is platonic. He obviously has the right to have friends other than me, and they have a 7-year history of getting lunch together and going to the gym and, apparently, getting haircuts together. I believe him when he says he is not choosing her over me, but just doing what they've always done. He certainly spends plenty of time with me, too. I believe him when he says there is room for both of us in his life.

On the other hand, it hurts to see them together and it hurts that he is doing things with her that I think he should be doing with me  and I don't know how to not hurt over it. I know that if I can't find a way to change my feelings about the situation that it will take over our relationship. I don't want to keep having the same conversation over and over again.

He did say last night that we needed to talk once we were sober, but I don't know what else to ask to help me understand and accept. He has said repeatedly that there is no sexual or romantic aspect to their relationship. He said that if she were to leave her husband tomorrow, he would not be interested that kind of relationship with her. He said he loves me and that I am not his second choice. He is sorry he hurt me. He doesn't want me to leave. What else should I ask?

Second Prize

Yesterday brought another (perhaps minor) incident with P and WW yesterday -- he was going for a haircut, I strongly suspect (but don't know for sure) that she went with him. It bothered me a lot. I mean, isn't that a little weird? A little ... personal? But then I stopped to think about it, and R and I sometimes run errands together. In fact, just recently I asked him if he wanted to come with me on a quick trip downtown. I don't think anything of that, so how is this different? I want to ask him about it, but haven't because, I finally realized that ultimately, the haircut trip isn't what matters. Neither do the coffee runs or daily lunches. That's their routine and has been for years. I knew going in that nothing was going to change about that.

But after a few tears and lots of 5 am pondering, I realized what DOES matter: WW is P's "person". The person he shares things with and confides in. He shares with and confides in me, too, but I'm not his first stop. Whether or not their relationship is or ever has been romantic or physical, it's undeniably emotional. No matter how much he cares about me, I come second. When she's not around during the week, he is constantly asking me to coffee and lunch; the minute she's back, I cease to exist. And ultimately, that's not what I want. I want to be P's person and if that position is already filled, well, then I want open myself up to be that person for someone else someday.

So what to do? Right now -- today -- nothing. I need to sit with this for awhile until I am sure. Sure that this is not about feeding some crazy drama cycle, trying to get P to fight for me, to prove that I really do matter. Because I know he won't fight. He'll just calmly listen and then let me go. It can't be about getting something from him. It has to be about making the right decision for me, for good.

47 ... 14 ... 3

I'm still struggling this week. With balance, with identity, with what I want ...  it has been 16 months to the day since exH moved out, and some days it seems like I have come so far only to feel on other days that I am even more adrift than I was back then. Thankfully, the day-to-day feelings of hopelessness and sadness that came from living in a failed marriage are gone, along with the constant fear of exH's temper.

But in their place are a different sort of hopelessness and fear. Fear that I will fail Lulu and Boo -- and myself -- in some way, whether it be emotionally, financially, or professionally. Fear that I have already or will warp their ideas about relationships, either through the divorce or by bringing the wrong people into their lives ... or perhaps worse, by not modeling a healthy relationship at all. Hopelessness that where I am right now -- house poor, relationship-challenged, professionally unsatisfied -- is where I will always be.

Of course, I know things will change. The girl I was at 25 is incredibly different from whom I am at 35, so 45-year-old me still has a fighting chance. I think about P, who tells me he was broke, unemployed, and nearing the end of a 10-year relationship when he was 35. Today at 45, he is near the top of the company we work for and has enough money saved not to have to worry about the future. And he has me -- whether or not that's ultimately a good thing for him, I don't know -- but he can't say he isn't loved and wanted.


Here are a few changes I am looking forward to (and counting down to) ...

In 47 days ...
I close on the new house. And about a week later, I'll finally have a place of my own again.

In 14 days ...
The divorce will be final.

In 3 years ...
I will find a real job. This is a new deadline I am setting for myself. In three years, I want to have a new job, in a career I am excited about, at a company where I want to stay. I am fortunate to have a job now that pays me decently, if not enough, allows me a very liberal schedule, and where I have been long enough that barring something extreme, I am very unlikely to be fired or laid off. If the recent crisis didn't do it, then I am probably OK. But it doesn't fulfill me in any meaningful way, and it isn't where I want to spend the next 25 years. Why wait three years and not start looking today? I figure I need about three years to settle into the new house, get my feet back under me financially, and most important, get Boo settled into school. And it may take three years to figure out exactly what it is I want to do.  So June 2013, I've got you circled in red.

Your weekly musings on P
As per usual (a P saying), I am still confused about P. Where we are or aren't going, whether it is good or bad that he is my escape, what I am discovering about who I am in a relationship. We had a pretty nice week, spending some or all of 5 out of 7 days together. Sometimes I can relax and enjoy the time with him without worrying about the future, while other days the lack of a future gnaws away at me. I don't know for sure how he feels and I doubt he does, either. I do know (if I don't always remember) that whatever happens, I will come out of this much better than I went in. Either it lasts and we're happy or it doesn't, and though I will be sad then, I have learned so much about myself through this. I have seen so clearly many of the destructive patterns I played out in previous relationships and I've gotten the chance to practice correcting them. Most important, I've learned how to love someone without letting them take over my life. And I will always be thankful to him for all of this.

The Color of Happiness

I'm happy ... I think. I mean, I'm getting everything I want. ... right? New house, good job, great kids, great guy ... I'm happy about all of these things. So why is it so hard to actually BE happy? To not complain, analyze, and obsess over everything that isn't going right and just appreciate and embrace what is? Instead, I find myself struggling with this new life, to find the right balance between mom, co-parent, employee, and girlfriend. It often feels that I'm letting someone down no matter what I do ... Lulu and Boo cry when I go out with P; exH is frustrated that I can't take more time off from work when Lulu and Boo are home sick or school is closed; when I take time off work, my chances at promotions and raises suffer. I haven't seen any of my friends in weeks. P goes with the flow, thankfully, and seems content with the time I can be with him.

Last night, I decided I wanted to sleep at P's. It's not something I do often, and I've never done it when Lulu and Boo are home. But I desperately wanted a break from being always on (even on exH's nights, I'm still the one who gets up when Boo cries and the one who gets woken up at 7 sharp by both kids), and selfishly, I wanted to spend the night with my boyfriend. It wasn't worth it. Lulu was so upset that she cried most of the evening, leaving two sobbing messages on my voice mail. Talk about buzz kill! I felt so guilty that I spent half an hour crying on P's balcony. P isn't great when I am upset, but he tried. Still, the night was kind of ruined and today wasn't much better, though we got through it ok. I'm glad P and I can work through these things, but I wish we didn't have to. And I can't help but worry that at some point, he won't want to anymore.

One thing that has made me happy lately is pondering paint colors for the new house. I take paint colors very seriously, much to P's chagrin (though I did give him a gorgeous green to use in the condo he's selling!). I own four Benjamin Moore paint decks and another from Restoration Hardware. I can rattle off every paint color I've ever used in the houses I've owned. I can't decide which would be my dream job: to create the paint colors or to name them. I love paint colors (if not the actual painting!).

I've spent at least 10 hours so far pouring over paint chips to find the perfect colors for each room. Lulu and Boo have chosen their colors (BM Cat's Meow and Golden Honey, respectfully) and I know I want a pale aqua for the living room/dining room. I've tried out three so far but haven't settled on the right one just yet. The kitchen will be either BM Desert Tan or RH Butter. I need to get back into the house to check my swatches against the cabinets and granite. My bathroom will be RH Cappuccino (mainly because I bought a gallon a year and a half ago that I never used). My bedroom still isn't settled ... perhaps a light green (BM Pale Sea Mist, the color I recommended to P, and which is currently in my kitchen, or it's color strip neighbor, Dill Pickle) or fresh white. I am dying to use a color from C2 called Bella Donna (a cross between lilac and gray ... the exact color of the sky at twilight), but it's a big risk ... we're talking 200 square feet of purple.

What are your favorite paint colors? Here are a few (more) of mine ...

BM August Morning -- stunning, but it only works in a sunny room ... ask me how I know

BM Pale Sea Mist -- the perfect light green with a touch of yellow, looks lovely with warm wood tones, gorgeous with red accents (and wow does it NOT look like that chip!)

BM Bird's Egg (left), Palladian Blue, Robin's Nest, Jamaican Aqua (center), and Sweet Dreams (right) -- all stunning shades of aqua, but none are quite right for the new place. Boo's room right now is Jamaican Aqua and I love it!

BM St Martin Sand -- warm taupey brown, neutral but a color, hard to describe but beautiful!


BM Olive Branch -- this was in my old master bedroom and I loved it ... hmm, may need to add this to the list for the new master bedroom. Rosemary Sprig is one color strip over and is also pretty.

RH Sea Green -- lovely muted blue-green that is in my room right now (but alas, still not quite what I have in mind for the new place)