The Color of Happiness

I'm happy ... I think. I mean, I'm getting everything I want. ... right? New house, good job, great kids, great guy ... I'm happy about all of these things. So why is it so hard to actually BE happy? To not complain, analyze, and obsess over everything that isn't going right and just appreciate and embrace what is? Instead, I find myself struggling with this new life, to find the right balance between mom, co-parent, employee, and girlfriend. It often feels that I'm letting someone down no matter what I do ... Lulu and Boo cry when I go out with P; exH is frustrated that I can't take more time off from work when Lulu and Boo are home sick or school is closed; when I take time off work, my chances at promotions and raises suffer. I haven't seen any of my friends in weeks. P goes with the flow, thankfully, and seems content with the time I can be with him.

Last night, I decided I wanted to sleep at P's. It's not something I do often, and I've never done it when Lulu and Boo are home. But I desperately wanted a break from being always on (even on exH's nights, I'm still the one who gets up when Boo cries and the one who gets woken up at 7 sharp by both kids), and selfishly, I wanted to spend the night with my boyfriend. It wasn't worth it. Lulu was so upset that she cried most of the evening, leaving two sobbing messages on my voice mail. Talk about buzz kill! I felt so guilty that I spent half an hour crying on P's balcony. P isn't great when I am upset, but he tried. Still, the night was kind of ruined and today wasn't much better, though we got through it ok. I'm glad P and I can work through these things, but I wish we didn't have to. And I can't help but worry that at some point, he won't want to anymore.

One thing that has made me happy lately is pondering paint colors for the new house. I take paint colors very seriously, much to P's chagrin (though I did give him a gorgeous green to use in the condo he's selling!). I own four Benjamin Moore paint decks and another from Restoration Hardware. I can rattle off every paint color I've ever used in the houses I've owned. I can't decide which would be my dream job: to create the paint colors or to name them. I love paint colors (if not the actual painting!).

I've spent at least 10 hours so far pouring over paint chips to find the perfect colors for each room. Lulu and Boo have chosen their colors (BM Cat's Meow and Golden Honey, respectfully) and I know I want a pale aqua for the living room/dining room. I've tried out three so far but haven't settled on the right one just yet. The kitchen will be either BM Desert Tan or RH Butter. I need to get back into the house to check my swatches against the cabinets and granite. My bathroom will be RH Cappuccino (mainly because I bought a gallon a year and a half ago that I never used). My bedroom still isn't settled ... perhaps a light green (BM Pale Sea Mist, the color I recommended to P, and which is currently in my kitchen, or it's color strip neighbor, Dill Pickle) or fresh white. I am dying to use a color from C2 called Bella Donna (a cross between lilac and gray ... the exact color of the sky at twilight), but it's a big risk ... we're talking 200 square feet of purple.

What are your favorite paint colors? Here are a few (more) of mine ...

BM August Morning -- stunning, but it only works in a sunny room ... ask me how I know

BM Pale Sea Mist -- the perfect light green with a touch of yellow, looks lovely with warm wood tones, gorgeous with red accents (and wow does it NOT look like that chip!)

BM Bird's Egg (left), Palladian Blue, Robin's Nest, Jamaican Aqua (center), and Sweet Dreams (right) -- all stunning shades of aqua, but none are quite right for the new place. Boo's room right now is Jamaican Aqua and I love it!

BM St Martin Sand -- warm taupey brown, neutral but a color, hard to describe but beautiful!


BM Olive Branch -- this was in my old master bedroom and I loved it ... hmm, may need to add this to the list for the new master bedroom. Rosemary Sprig is one color strip over and is also pretty.

RH Sea Green -- lovely muted blue-green that is in my room right now (but alas, still not quite what I have in mind for the new place)