No More Mr. Nice Guy? And the Problem With P, Continued

Somehow I have become the resident divorce expert at my office. I've now had three colleagues come to me with their marriage woes. One, S, was an old friend until he confided his desire to have an affair (and later, tried to start one with me, coincidentally on the same night that P and I first confessed our mutual interest). S and I haven't talked much since. I'm sure I don't know the full story there, and prior to this, I thought S was a really great guy, but whatever his deal now, I have zero interest in becoming anyone's other woman.

The other two, my best friend, R, and my boss, RC, are really suffering. These are good guys. Nice guys. Guys who love their wives and children and are desperate to keep their families together. And their wives just seem to have stopped loving them. I of all people know there are always two sides to a marriage, so who knows what goes on behind closed doors, but I gotta say, at least right now, these two are fighting like hell not to get divorced. Bending over backwards, doing all sorts of backflips and front flips and triple-axel/double-toe-loop combos to make their wives stay. And what I have said to them both is ... stop. Just stop. If she doesn't love you now, when you have completely remolded yourself to fit her every desire, she's not going to suddenly wake up and change her mind as she's walking all over you. She'll just keep on walking out the door. In fact, I suspect that their wives have lost interest in part *because* their husbands have been so accommodating.

Take R. R is outgoing, loves sports, thrives on hanging out with the guys, but for years he gave up on all that for his wife, J, an introvert because he thought she wanted him to stay home with her. R gradually resented giving up his friends for J, who it turns out would have preferred the alone time. That's just one example of how instead of being honest about what he wanted, he tried so hard to make her happy that they both ended up miserable. J surely shares responsibility too, of course, which they finally realize, but I think it's probably too late.

And then take RC, a smart, sweet, very successful guy. I don't have the long history with him that R and I have, but I have known him long enough to know that he's a genuinely good person whose primary sin was being a little too addicted to the Blackberry. His wife, K, had an affair with her coworker, RC found out and decided to try to work through it. He gave up the Blackberry on nights and weekends, went to counseling, bought new, cooler clothes, and got a tattoo. (Hey, at least he was trying.) He got a personal chef to make dinners so he and his wife would have more time together in the evenings, took her away for a long trip to try to get things back on track and she ... she's done nothing. Is he blameless? Again, of course not. But my man is trying so damn hard. Surely that is worth something?

It breaks my heart to see these two so helpless, watching their families fall apart. It both makes me feel a little better about men in general and reinforces how impossibly difficult marriage is. There's nothing I can do except listen, offer up my own experience, and scribble out my lawyer's name and number on a folded up Post-It when asked. Good luck guys, I have my fingers crossed for you.

The Problem With P, Continued

P and I didn't have one of our trademark magical weekends. I was tired and feeling overwhelmed. He was tired and generally not feeling well. What I thought was a minor bitch about work sent him on a rant about how I always complain but never do anything about it (not entirely untrue). We got past that, only to have another clash when I tried to talk to him about some (again, to me, minor) frustrations I had with our relationship. [Note to self: post-sex is never a good time for that discussion!!] I thought I was trying to understand where he was coming from; he thought I was criticizing him. Not good. The next day wasn't much better, though we managed to leave things on a pretty good note.

So what's the problem with P? I feel like we're missing a deeper connection. I can't quite explain it to him, but it's that thing that makes you think about the other person throughout your day, to want to share your all your news, big or small, good and bad. P doesn't understand what I mean. He says, of course you can come to me with your problems, of course I am here for you. But he doesn't share his. He doesn't check in with me throughout the week to see how I am doing, even when he knows I've got a lot on my mind, as I did last week. So it feels lopsided for me to do those things.

But, you know, I've realized that I have no idea how this is supposed to work. If P says he is there for me (and when I do go to him, he listens and offers support), am I just looking for trouble? During the disastrous relationship chat, he told me, "If you go looking for problems, you're eventually going to find them." I think he might be right. If I look back at my previous relationships, I definitely have a history of doing that.

What I've been puzzling over is why. Why do I go looking for flaws? R asked me today if I've ever felt that "deeper connection" I was craving from P.  His theory is that I am the one who doesn't let anyone "be there for me" because I don't ever let anyone in completely. I think he might be right too. Definitely food for thought.

And on a totally unrelated note ...

Boo thinks he is Blue, the dog from Blue's Clues, and will only talk in bow-wows. Cute. Bizarre, but cute.