5 Things I Wish I'd Known Before

I wanted to share a post I just read on another site titled "20 Things I Wish I'd Known When I Was 20." The author strikes me as a wise woman. Hell, I wish I knew all of these things at 35! I wasted so much time and energy on people and pursuits that just didn't get me anywhere or make my life any better. Of course, I learned a lot, too, but I wish I hadn't made myself so miserable in the process.
Here are a few things I wish I'd learned earlier (and still sometimes have to remind myself) ...

1. Talk less, listen more. You learn a lot more about people when, surprise!, you shut up and listen to what they are saying. One piece of relationship advice I've taken to heart is "when someone tells you who they are, believe them." I could have saved myself a lot of pain by figuring that one out sooner, but it's hard to really listen when you're too busy weaving a fantasy version of your future together. Plus, I talk a lot when I'm nervous or upset and really, it never helps.
2a. You can't make someone love you. Obvious, right? One would think. But I didn't get that until recently and I spent a lot of time crying over boys I loved (or thought I loved) who either didn't love me back or stopped loving me. Sometimes it was caused by something I had done, sometimes they just loved someone else more, but sometimes it wasn't any of that, they just ... didn't.

2b. You don't want someone who doesn't want you. Period. Don't waste your time because ... you can't make someone love you.

3. The hardest choice is not necessarily the right one. I cannot tell you how many times I have chosen the more difficult of two paths for no other reason than that somehow I believed that the hard choice was the better one. I picked an expensive college (where I ended up with lots of debt) over perfectly lovely schools that wanted to give me a scholarship, chose (more than once) the hard-to-get guy over the very nice one who treated me well ... sometimes the path of least resistance is worth considering too.

4. Don't buy things you can't afford. I still struggle with this, even after some seriously scary bouts with debt. It's MUCH better now, but from clothes to cars to houses, I still struggle with living within my means.

5. No one and no thing can make you happy. Sure, there are people who make your life better or worse, and things can make your life easier or harder, but nothing and no one can make you happy. It's such a tough lesson to learn, one that I just may be finally starting to get. For sure, it makes it easier to follow #s 2 and 4 when you know deep down that you are the only one who is responsible for your happiness.

I'm sure there are many, many more, but those are just a few I want to remember.

NWO Update ...

So a little more than a week into this, I am pleased with how I've been managing my feelings. The jealousy and unease over WW is still there, but it's not as painful as it was, even as she wears short skirts and tight tops to work every day. I just try to remember point #2a above ... despite their closeness, P is choosing to be with me right now, but I can't do anything to make him keep choosing me. Someday he might choose her instead, or someone else in the office, or someone he meets out at a bar. For now, he's chosen me and I can't worry about what might happen in the future. I just have to hope that if at some point he wants to be with her or someone else, he'll man up and tell me as he's promised he will. And if that happens, please remind me of point #2b.

It does help to remember that P and I are not forever. We are about having fun right now, for as long as it lasts, and that's perfectly fine. It's hard to keep my emotions in check, especially when we have a nice evening or weekend together, but it's important to remind myself that while P is a great guy, we've likely maxed out on what he can give. For now, it's enough.

Tonight he's promised me dinner to celebrate my divorce. I can't wait!