The New World Order Starts Now

P and I had a tough night last night. We talked (a lot), argued (a bit), decided to break it off (twice), I left and came back (once), cried (way too much), and somewhere in there had a wonderful evening listening to music and laughing  together despite everything. P even played his old band's CD for me for the first time despite many previous requests.

Ultimately, after lots of tears and back and forth, P said he didn't want to end it, he just wanted to change the dynamics and reduce the drama. I think it might be too late, but because I've never been one to walk away when there's still a glimmer of possibility, I decided to give it one more shot, understanding much more clearly where my boundaries (and his) are right now. Like, neither of us want a relationship that has more drama than fun; we both have a lot of stress and pressure in our lives and if we are going to continue dating, it needs to be a positive force in both our lives. Like, he promises to always be honest with me about how he feels (about me and about other women in his life), but he doesn't agree to be interrogated endlessly about them, Like, I may not be entirely comfortable with or fully understand those unusually close female friends, but as long as they are just friends and not affecting our relationship, then it's not fair for me to ask him to give them up.

Sounds great, right? I've been here before -- profound epiphany! followed by a return right back to the same old hamster wheel. So what am I going to change to give this a shot at success?

1. Dial back the intensity. Stop seeing P during the week (at least as a rule, I'm sure there will be the occasional weeknight happy hour or dinner, but not every week). He's used to a little more time to himself than he's been getting and while he says he's happy to see me anytime, I now see that it can get to be too much, especially when work is particularly busy. And I need to get refocused on making time for myself -- to swim, see friends, go to a movie, whatever. Part of my balance issues lately definitely revolve around too much time away from home and too many late nights. So I'm going to work on correcting that so I can be at my best for my kids, at my job, and when I see P.


2. Get real about the relationship. I'm hoping that getting more exercise and more sleep will also help me regain some much-needed perspective on what P is and what he can be to me. P is not my forever guy. Repeat: P is not my forever guy. I've said it before, but now I need to work on believing it. P does not want to get married. P likes kids, but does not want to be a father or stepfather. And while I am prepared to accept P's complicated friendships while we're dating, they do add just enough unease to my feelings for him that it will probably keep me from getting as close to him as I could otherwise. But on the other hand, P and I do genuinely care for each other and we have a lot of fun together. And I am in no way ready for my forever guy. P knows all of this and understands. He has seen me at my worst and still wants me. Ultimately, I think maybe I will become another one of his unusually close female friends, and you know what, that might be kind of nice.

3. Rinse, repeat, and refocus. The only way this works is if I actually follow through. AND if I find something else to focus my obsessiveness on. My psyche right now is like a particularly dangerous neighborhood, complete with abandoned buildings, busted-out cars, and random gunfire -- you don't want to go there at all, and especially not at night. So I've got to give my brain something else to do ... blog, read, work, memorize poetry ... anything other than THINK. I particularly need something to do at work when seedy thoughts start to lurk around on the street corners looking for a fight. Any suggestions?