Second Prize

Yesterday brought another (perhaps minor) incident with P and WW yesterday -- he was going for a haircut, I strongly suspect (but don't know for sure) that she went with him. It bothered me a lot. I mean, isn't that a little weird? A little ... personal? But then I stopped to think about it, and R and I sometimes run errands together. In fact, just recently I asked him if he wanted to come with me on a quick trip downtown. I don't think anything of that, so how is this different? I want to ask him about it, but haven't because, I finally realized that ultimately, the haircut trip isn't what matters. Neither do the coffee runs or daily lunches. That's their routine and has been for years. I knew going in that nothing was going to change about that.

But after a few tears and lots of 5 am pondering, I realized what DOES matter: WW is P's "person". The person he shares things with and confides in. He shares with and confides in me, too, but I'm not his first stop. Whether or not their relationship is or ever has been romantic or physical, it's undeniably emotional. No matter how much he cares about me, I come second. When she's not around during the week, he is constantly asking me to coffee and lunch; the minute she's back, I cease to exist. And ultimately, that's not what I want. I want to be P's person and if that position is already filled, well, then I want open myself up to be that person for someone else someday.

So what to do? Right now -- today -- nothing. I need to sit with this for awhile until I am sure. Sure that this is not about feeding some crazy drama cycle, trying to get P to fight for me, to prove that I really do matter. Because I know he won't fight. He'll just calmly listen and then let me go. It can't be about getting something from him. It has to be about making the right decision for me, for good.