At work, I occasionally teach a class on public speaking. Not because I am great at it, but because it used to terrify me. With some encouragement and a class that offered some tips, I got over my fear and now regularly present in front of 200+ people. I don't love it, but I no longer dread it, either, and I enjoy helping other coworkers get past their public speaking anxiety. During class this week, one person said that the best advice I gave was to have perspective -- get out of your head and remember that no one cares as much about you as you care about you.
I wish I lived that advice as well as I taught it. It would have saved me a lot of unhappiness in my life. I've always cared far too much what other people think about me, and in the worst examples, actually changed the way I thought about myself based on what others thought (or worse still, what I thought they thought). As a result, I've spent a lot of my life feeling insecure, uneasy, and unworthy (of what I couldn't even say).
If that's not the definition of crazy, I don't know what is. At least I am finally able to see it for what it is and take (baby) steps to change it.
Having perspective on life overall is also crucial. I know I get sucked into the various dramas and challenges of my daily life to the point where I forget just how relatively benign they really are. Yes, divorce is tough, but I am lucky to have a very amicable relationship with exH and the process, while not painless for sure, has been manageable. I attended a court-required parenting course last weekend and my situation was easily the least unpleasant. There were women whose husbands were in jail or were abusive or on drugs, women who were flat-out terrified to let their children near their dads, and women who hadn't heard from the dads in years. There were two men whose wives/girlfriends had just vanished -- in one case with the child, in one case without. These people were dealing with issues I couldn't imagine in my worst nightmares.
Right after that class, I came home to read a post from an online friend about the sudden and horrible death of a friend of hers, a mother to young girls, at a baseball game of all places. I was again reminded of how fortunate I am, and how little time might be left for any of us. Do I really want to spend it feeling sorry for myself and worrying about what other people think?
Then today, I wrote an anniversary card to a couple whose wedding I attended 10 years ago tomorrow. We have slowly grown apart over the years, but I reconnected with them last fall when the wife was diagnosed with leukemia. They have two children, a 3-year-old boy and a 1-year-old girl, and while I hurt for them and everything they are going through, it has also been a joy to read their weekly email updates and to see the humor and grace with which they are handling this very difficult time. (Happily, Liz just completed a bone marrow transplant and her prognosis is very good.)
So, yes, perspective. This is perhaps the most challenging time in my life thus far, but I have family and friends to support me, a good job to provide for our financial needs, and we are all healthy. That's not something you can take for granted.
NWO, Day 3
Sigh. Today wasn't as easy. I ran into P with WW a couple of times and was struck with the same old pang of jealousy. I wonder if despite the many ways P and I fit well together, this is just the one spot where we will always rub against each other. I have a pair of shoes like that -- they fit great except for this one small point on my right big toe that always blisters. I knew today -- a relatively meeting-free expanse of free time -- might post a challenge, so I had a plan. I ran errands for a couple hours during the day, and that helped clear my head. Later in the day P and I had a meeting together and got to catch up for a few minutes before everyone else arrived, so that was nice. Before all the drama I had offered to make him dinner this week, so we talked about doing that tomorrow or over the weekend. I was surprised to realize that while of course I want to see him, I'm also nervous.
I came home in a pretty good mood, only to have exH ask to borrow money and get angry when I said I didn't have it to lend. He yelled about all the money (child support) he "gives" me. It's not like that's just extra for me to stash in my savings account! It's frustrating -- I see (numerous) receipts for $100-$200 dinners with his new girlfriend and he's always taking the kids out to nice restaurants. I pointed out to him that if he didn't spend so much money, he wouldn't need to borrow from me. That of course made him angrier, but you know what? I don't go out for nice dinners. I can't afford to take the kids out very often, it might be once a month.
Sigh. Perspective.
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