The Art of Doing Nothing

I'm working very hard right now at doing nothing. It's not easy. In fact, it's downright painful. Have you ever tried to do nothing? To just sit still and ... be still? To not say or do anything? It's one of the hardest things I've done. I'm a type-A, first-born, overachiever. I'm always doing *something.*

Why all this effort for nothing? I know that right now, I need to let P go a little. Not completely, not forever, but I need a little distance ... I need to get some perspective if we're going to continue and even more so if we're not. And I think P could benefit from some space too. So I'm stepping back, leaving P alone, not making plans with him ... basically doing nothing. I have probably walked past his desk a dozen times today and not stopped. I've pulled up his name on IM and not typed. I've started to ask about going out tonight and caught myself just in time. I'm exhausted from all of this non-action.

Along with the art of doing nothing, I'm also trying to be ok with being alone, something I used to love and crave. Right now, I find being alone very uncomfortable. I think it gives me too much time to think, too much time to give in and do something to alleviate the discomfort of being alone. It's puzzling because I was alone 90% of my non-kid time from the day exH moved out (and honestly, a lot before that too) to the day P and I got together. I didn't mind at all. Before I met exH, I was alone a lot, mostly by choice, and that was fine too. So why is it so hard now?