Ties That Bind

I'm starting to wonder what the point is of getting a divorce when you have children. Because here's the thing, unless your ex moves across the country or is a deadbeat who never wants to see his kids, you're never really free. Sure, you can live in separate places (and we will in 23 days, thank god), and you can get married again (the horror!), but as long as you are co-parenting and reliant on child support, the ex is always going to be there. For better or worse.

Today is one of the "for worse" days. ExH is panicked about losing his main client (and pretty much his sole source of income), scared (I think) about us moving out (and on) and so he is lashing out at me. Again. This is a huge part of why we are divorced, and somehow I hoped once we weren't married anymore, it would stop. But no, it's just the legal ties that have been cut. The emotional link is still there and his tirades still frighten me almost as much. He has much less power over me than he used to for sure, but as long as I need child support from him, he's got power all the same. All I can do is hope he pulls himself together ... and plan for the worst in the meantime.

Even though I have my mom and friends who care about me like R and A and P, during days like this, I can't help but feel very alone. There is only so much any of them can do to help me. Ultimately, it's on me to make sure Lulu and Boo and I are safe and secure ... physically, emotionally, and financially. When exH is sane, he is a good father, and I know I am lucky for that. But I can't count on him, or anyone else, really. It's all on me, and what happens if I fail?