Breakdown to Breakthrough

It feels like weeks or months since I last posted instead of just a few days. Nothing has really changed -- exH is still broke and somewhat crazy, I am still broke and overwhelmed by finances and boxes -- but in some subtle way, *I* have changed. Now, I'll be honest and say that it's also possible that the Lexapro has kicked in. Except that I was on the same dose a year and a half ago and never felt much of a difference. So who knows. But with or without a little chemical boost, sometime in the past few days, I just decided to let go. And here's the trick ... this time, I think I actually did it.

As some of you know, I've talked a good game on this topic before, but secretly (or not so secretly) I always kept clinging to some small bit of control here and there. Control over exH, over my relationship with P, over money. The way I can tell that something has actually changed is that I feel lighter. Literally. I embrace that there are some things that I have no control over and never will. Like how someone feels toward me (good or bad), whether I get a raise, or whether and when exH finds a new job. A few things are under my control -- how I treat others, how I choose to manage the money I do have, how well I perform at work, whether I exercise and get enough sleep -- and that is all I can do. And while I can always do better, I think I am faring pretty well in those areas. I have been kind (mostly) to exH despite his behavior, loving (if a bit impatient) with Lulu and Boo, responsible with money, competent at work, and caring and accepting of P. I am moving forward with the move to the new house, plowing through all the phone calls and emails involved with closing on a mortgage, transferring utilities, registering Lulu at school, etc.

None of this is exactly fun, but it's satisfying in the way that drudgery can sometimes be. Moving is awful, but also cathartic. And once again, I am reminded that I can do just fine on my own. That doesn't mean I like it, or that this is how I want to live the rest of my life, but it's reassuring to know I can do it.