Back in the Saddle

It's official, I'm single again. I broke it off with P on Tuesday night. He was sadder and sweeter about it than I expected. I was sad, but not inconsolable, as I was during our almost-breakup back in June. It sounds silly and a bit crazy, but that Duck Song really helped me finally understand and accept. I love P, and I will (and do) miss him a lot. But he can't love me back, or at least not in the way I need. I'm still very sad, but I get now that while I genuinely do miss him and the good parts of what we had, what I am really grieving is the loss of what I WISH we'd had.

Last night I was sorting through some boxes that I have hauled from attic to attic for years, forcing myself to decide what could get tossed. It was fun to find old keepsakes, many of which I loved, but had forgotten. I put many of them out to display last night and while it probably makes my house look a little cluttered in spots, I love seeing these treasures again. The cool/scary sword I bought in Portugal, all the oil paintings I did before I had kids (which are mediocre at best, but, hey, I made them!), the gorgeous conch shells exH and I brought back from our honeymoon. Among the memories were a bunch of old letters from ex-boyfriends, plus a journal I kept briefly my senior year in college. Wow, were those eye-opening! I cannot believe the hysterics I worked myself into over these guys. Even though I repeated some of those patterns with P (which is hard to admit; I was trying so hard!), I am glad that I've at least been more rational and mature in how I've handled myself and how I came to see the relationship for what it was.

That's all for now. I hope this blog won't become too boring without all the tortured tales of P! I'm going to embrace being single for awhile, but I hope someday there will be new romantic adventures to report.