Out of Focus

Wow, this is hard. I miss P a lot and it's taking all my energy not to go running back. There's just enough there to make it tough to remember that ultimately, there isn't enough.

When I first tried to break up with P back in March (pre-blog; it lasted a week and was basically about the same thing as this one), he played it cool. I got no sense that he missed me or wished things were different ... nothing. With a complete absence of dignity, I went crawling back anyway. It wasn't my strongest, I-am-woman moment, but I have no regrets. We had a ton of great times after that, and I learned so much more about myself.

Now, he's not playing it so cool. When I asked for my Netflix DVDs back (I always left them at his place so we could watch together), he reluctantly returned them saying, "you know we can still watch movies together." I told him I'd like that at some point, but not just yet. There's no way I could spend time with him right now and have it be purely platonic.

It's so hard to stay focused on what I ultimately want because it's all so abstract. Sure, *someday* *someone* will love me back. But what about *right now*? Someday feels fuzzy and far away. The someone is even more out of focus. It's a leap of faith to believe he exists out there and an even bigger leap to give up what I have right now based on the belief that something better is possible.