Day 128?

Ok, so the blogging about happiness project didn't go so well. Alas, because it worked so well for this chick. She got a book out of it and everything. On the plus side, it'll be a lot easier to keep up with the blog if I'm not trying to write about something I'm actually not all that good at. I mean, I'm not an *unhappy* person (at least I don't think I am), but I'm not a peppy bubbly cheerleader type either. Even when I was an actual cheerleader, I wasn't really the cheerleader type.

So we've got some catching up to, don't we? Here's what's happened in the past, oh, 90ish days ...

1. I took Lulu and Boo to Disney World. By myself. For a week. A very, very long week that somehow ended much too quickly. It was tough, I'm not going to lie. Airports, hotel rooms, long lines, restaurants ... it's a lot of kid-wrangling for one parent. But they loved it, and I didn't lose either of them -- not even for a second -- so I think it was a success. But we're not going back until Boo is at least 5 and/or no longer needs a stroller. You try hauling a double stroller and two kids on a crowded WDW bus at 8 pm when everyone is overtired and overstimulated.

2. I met a guy. Well, not a new guy, a guy I'd worked with for nearly five years, but never really gotten to know. And what I did know about him I did NOT like. I would go so far as to say HATED. And on top of that, I was fairly certain (along with a decent percentage of my coworkers) that he was having a long-term affair with another woman we work with. Who is married. Frankly, I'm still not 100% sure what the deal is there. So you can see why I hadn't given him any consideration as dating material. Totally understandable, right? But we got to talking one afternoon and what should have been a quick, half-hour chat over coffee turned into a couple hours, then a drink a few weeks later, then a bit of (ok, slightly wine-fueled) flirting at the company holiday party ... and three months later, here we are.

But I'm not sure where "here" is, to be honest. I adore this guy. He's smart and goofy and has the second-most-beautiful blue eyes ever (Boo's are still the best). We have just as much fun going out for dinner as we do hanging out at his place watching tv. We don't fight. And best of all, when we're actually together, he has this weird calming effect on me. Like he actually lowers my blood pressure. Which is really odd considering how long he had the exact opposite effect on me at work. But now when I'm with him, I'm relaxed and happy and not obsessive and worried. The funny thing is that I'm often so calm around him that I fall asleep! And I usually can't sleep around other people (including the kids), so that is also weird. But in a really great way.

So what's the catch? Because there's always one. And in this case, more than one. First, I'm not entirely sure he even wants a girlfriend. I know he cares about me, but he often seems a tad confused as to how this whole thing happened (but sometimes so am I). He's 10 years older than me (not an issue), never married (no problem there), doesn't want kids (potential issue), and just doesn't seem into relationships (red flag!). For now, we're good, but I worry a lot at 3 am if this means I am setting myself up for serious heartbreak. Next catch, work and the "work girlfriend". She doesn't know about us and while I am not exactly eager for the whole office to be gossiping about us, it bothers me that he hasn't mentioned it to his closest friend. Third catch, me. I'm trying SO hard not to be my naturally insecure, emotional, obsessing-over-every-word self. Generally I succeed, but not always, and even when I manage to keep it all together and act like the independent, confident, rational girl I know I should be, the end result is a lot of inner angst carefully kept hidden. So while I may be (relatively) even-keeled around him, at 3 am (and most of the rest of the time I'm not with him), I'm freaking out. About the future, about the work chick, about my sanity.

So stay tuned on that one.

3. I survived my first year as a single mom and almost-divorcee. The year was up on Feb. 7, but given that exH was moping about after breaking up with the cheatee (he being the cheater) and seemed borderline suicidal for a bit there, I decided not to mention it at the time. But we've finally started the process of filing for divorce and it's hard to hide my excitement. I feel mean being so eager to get it all over with, but I am desperate to get out of Limbo World and move ahead. Except there's a catch here, too. (I told you, there always is.) ExH and I are both broke. And while I am merely broke, he's in a whole lot of debt. It makes him a stressed out mess, which he then turns on me, and it is so not fun. But since we can't sell our freaking house for enough to pay off the mortgage, the only thing I can think of to do is to let him move back in. Yes, here. With me. On a separate floor! But still, here.

It makes me queasy just to think about it. You know how your stomach lurches when the pilot takes the plane down a little too fast? That's the feeling right there. I honestly don't know if that's a good decision for me or for Lulu and Boo, who are used to the way things are now. I don't know if I can stay sane and not end up hating exH again. My biggest accomplishment over the past 14 months was to accept where my marriage and life had ended up and stop hating him. Which I did! I really did! I was even able to survive 10 days of Snowpocalypse 2010 stuck in the house with him. While he was mopey and depressed about the cheatee. But a couple months of that? I don't know. I just might not be that good a person.

Stay tuned on more of that, as well.

I won't say it has been the best year of my life. But it sure wasn't the worst either. Limbo is a pretty accurate description of where I am right now. Definitely not married, but not quite single. Not a two-parent household, but not exactly a single mom. A new boyfriend ... sorta. I feel like some big changes are coming, but I don't know when or how. Hopefully, we'll move out of this place this year. Maybe just a few miles away, but maybe a lot further? I always wanted to be a California girl and Boo was born to be a surfer dude. Lulu is like me, she can adapt to anything, fit in anywhere. Except somewhere along the way, I forgot that I could do that. Seeing her (and me) over the past year reminded me that I can do anything ... but will I be brave enough to try?