Apologies for not checking in for a few days. Life has been pretty busy lately, mostly all good things, and I just haven't had much free time. I'm trying to buy a house (more on that later in the week), keep up with my swimming, plus squeeze in some time with P and, oh, do some actual work!
Swimming has been such a positive change over the past two weeks. It's hard to find the time to get to the pool, but when I do, it's incredibly relaxing and really helps me puzzle through whatever's on my mind. And not only do I enjoy the exercise, but I also love the symbolism of it. A year or so ago, I often felt like I was drowning and now here I am not just afloat, but powering through the water.
I've also felt a big change with P. It may be just that I am feeling more comfortable and secure in the relationship, but I think he's also opening up more too. Being with him feels, finally, like a source of calm and happiness rather than a source of anxiety and insecurity. We seem to have settled into an easy, relaxed relationship, and I just love being around him with none of that sort of crazy obsessiveness I've felt in previous relationships (and for a time, in this one). I am also happy to discover that when I have good news or bad, he's the first person I want to talk to.
Wish me luck! Within the next day or so I should know for sure whether I can buy a house now, and if so, I may even have an offer in!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
What a Difference a Week Makes?
Today is a very good day. Things were tough earlier in the week, but I got two very welcome bits of news today. First, I found out that I can buy a new house no matter what happens with my current home. ExH and I have applied to our mortgage company to allow him to assume the mortgage and I thought that if they said no, I'd have to rent. But a chance conversation with a mortgage lender changed all that -- she can qualify me regardless as long as I can prove exH has been paying the current loan for at least a year. So, new house, here we come! Keep your fingers crossed that I can get the one I have my eye on.
The second piece of good news is that exH finally agreed to the separation terms so our divorce can proceed. That is such a huge, huge relief. He'll still have one more chance to fight it if he wants, but this was a major first step.
If Wishes Were Changes ... (from one of my favorite songs)
So the week that started off so low is ending on a high. P lent me a book on positive thinking and I think it might be working! I have really focused the past week on a few "wishes" and two seem to be coming true already. Here's what I have been focusing on:
1. Finding a great home for me and the kids (big step forward today)
2. Finalizing the divorce (another big step today)
3. Getting in shape (I swam three times this week!)
4. Paying off debt (going slower than I hoped, but it's happening)
5. Being secure and confident in my relationship with P (also slowly but surely)
6. Getting a promotion at work (this is a 6-12 month goal)
Some of these are under my control, others aren't, but I'm putting them out there regardless. Universe, are you listening?
The second piece of good news is that exH finally agreed to the separation terms so our divorce can proceed. That is such a huge, huge relief. He'll still have one more chance to fight it if he wants, but this was a major first step.
If Wishes Were Changes ... (from one of my favorite songs)
So the week that started off so low is ending on a high. P lent me a book on positive thinking and I think it might be working! I have really focused the past week on a few "wishes" and two seem to be coming true already. Here's what I have been focusing on:
1. Finding a great home for me and the kids (big step forward today)
2. Finalizing the divorce (another big step today)
3. Getting in shape (I swam three times this week!)
4. Paying off debt (going slower than I hoped, but it's happening)
5. Being secure and confident in my relationship with P (also slowly but surely)
6. Getting a promotion at work (this is a 6-12 month goal)
Some of these are under my control, others aren't, but I'm putting them out there regardless. Universe, are you listening?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Things Fall Apart
Look, most days, I'm fine. Sometimes even better than fine. I can count the number of times I've lost it over the past 14 months on both hands. Still, it happens. And when it does, I'm completely thrown for a loop.
Things have been going along relatively smoothly lately. ExH was out of town (and more to the point, out of cell reach) so he hadn't been causing any trouble. P, despite a in-the-grand-scheme-of-things small screwup on Thursday, has been good, listening to my various problems patiently and offering what he could in the way of support. Work has been quiet, which is boring, but certainly not stressful. So it seemed out of the blue last night when suddenly, in the middle of Lulu and Boo's bath, when I was struck by a wave of "I just can't take it one more day." I managed to get through dinner and bedtime without collapsing, but the wave kept pulling me under like when you're standing on the beach and the sand is slowly eroding out from under your feet.
I ran a bath in my beloved gigantic tub (must enjoy it as much as possible before I move), poured a comically large glass of Shiraz, and tried to figure out what was causing the angst. A lot of it, I think, is uncertainty over the future. I know the kids and I will most likely be moving this summer, but whether I can buy or will have to rent is unknown, and that dictates somewhat where we can move. Finances are causing me stress, as usual. I just paid an astronomical amount for summer camps for Lulu, which are a requirement since I work full-time. My bonus arrives tomorrow, which will wipe out much of my remaining non-car, non-mortgage debt (well, it would have if not for camp costs), but I don't know exactly what it will be post-tax. Still, I am so grateful for this money. It's not a lot, but for me right now, it's a life saver. Finally, exH STILL has not agreed to the divorce terms, though he promises he will this week. I've heard that before.
So how to manage the uncertainty and stay focused on NOW? I've never been good at this (see my last post!).
Things have been going along relatively smoothly lately. ExH was out of town (and more to the point, out of cell reach) so he hadn't been causing any trouble. P, despite a in-the-grand-scheme-of-things small screwup on Thursday, has been good, listening to my various problems patiently and offering what he could in the way of support. Work has been quiet, which is boring, but certainly not stressful. So it seemed out of the blue last night when suddenly, in the middle of Lulu and Boo's bath, when I was struck by a wave of "I just can't take it one more day." I managed to get through dinner and bedtime without collapsing, but the wave kept pulling me under like when you're standing on the beach and the sand is slowly eroding out from under your feet.
I ran a bath in my beloved gigantic tub (must enjoy it as much as possible before I move), poured a comically large glass of Shiraz, and tried to figure out what was causing the angst. A lot of it, I think, is uncertainty over the future. I know the kids and I will most likely be moving this summer, but whether I can buy or will have to rent is unknown, and that dictates somewhat where we can move. Finances are causing me stress, as usual. I just paid an astronomical amount for summer camps for Lulu, which are a requirement since I work full-time. My bonus arrives tomorrow, which will wipe out much of my remaining non-car, non-mortgage debt (well, it would have if not for camp costs), but I don't know exactly what it will be post-tax. Still, I am so grateful for this money. It's not a lot, but for me right now, it's a life saver. Finally, exH STILL has not agreed to the divorce terms, though he promises he will this week. I've heard that before.
So how to manage the uncertainty and stay focused on NOW? I've never been good at this (see my last post!).
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Girl in a Hurry
I've always been in a rush. Have you ever heard the Billy Joel song "Vienna"? Here are a few excerpts:
That song could have been written about me. I've been in a hurry since the day I was born, it seems. I walked early, read early, graduated college in three years. I had my first national magazine cover story at 22 and bought my first house at 25. I've always had my eye on what's next, so much so that I often neglected to enjoy what I had already accomplished. I was too focused on the next promotion, the next job, the next house. Until it all fell apart and I was forced to take a big step backward instead of racing forward.
For the first time ever, I've had to live in the moment because the future is totally up in the air. I can't move out of this house until the divorce papers are filed (because exH moved to another state when we split, one of us has to be living here to file) and right now, I don't even know if I will be able to buy a new place or rent. (We're waiting on the bank to decide whether to let me off the mortgage.) I don't know where Lulu will go to school next year. I can't put in the extra hours at work right now to make the case for a promotion. Things with P are too new (and he is too ... whatever) for a future to be anything more than a fleeting glimpse of sunlight through a heavy fog of uncertainty.
I have no idea where I will be this time next year or the year after. Heck, even next month is a little iffy. Certainly a year ago, I could never have imagined that I would be in the situation I am in now ... allowing exH to move back in, giving him dating advice, dating a new guy myself (and P at that!), happily living on a drastically reduced budget. All things that would have seemed impossible last April.
So with no future to obsessively plan for, I've got nothing better to do than live in the present. And it's not so bad not to know where I'm going ... the possibilities are open and endless.
Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid? ...
Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right, you're right
That song could have been written about me. I've been in a hurry since the day I was born, it seems. I walked early, read early, graduated college in three years. I had my first national magazine cover story at 22 and bought my first house at 25. I've always had my eye on what's next, so much so that I often neglected to enjoy what I had already accomplished. I was too focused on the next promotion, the next job, the next house. Until it all fell apart and I was forced to take a big step backward instead of racing forward.
For the first time ever, I've had to live in the moment because the future is totally up in the air. I can't move out of this house until the divorce papers are filed (because exH moved to another state when we split, one of us has to be living here to file) and right now, I don't even know if I will be able to buy a new place or rent. (We're waiting on the bank to decide whether to let me off the mortgage.) I don't know where Lulu will go to school next year. I can't put in the extra hours at work right now to make the case for a promotion. Things with P are too new (and he is too ... whatever) for a future to be anything more than a fleeting glimpse of sunlight through a heavy fog of uncertainty.
I have no idea where I will be this time next year or the year after. Heck, even next month is a little iffy. Certainly a year ago, I could never have imagined that I would be in the situation I am in now ... allowing exH to move back in, giving him dating advice, dating a new guy myself (and P at that!), happily living on a drastically reduced budget. All things that would have seemed impossible last April.
So with no future to obsessively plan for, I've got nothing better to do than live in the present. And it's not so bad not to know where I'm going ... the possibilities are open and endless.
Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize ... Vienna waits for you?
Thursday, April 15, 2010
10 Things
Today started out great. I was rocking a cute outfit, the weather was 60s and sunny, and I was looking forward to grilling steaks and having a few drinks with P on my balcony in the evening. But P let me down and now it doesn't seem like a very good day at all. It's the first time he has done that, and I don't know yet how I feel or what I want to do. I let him know I was disappointed. He apologized. I need to sleep on it to know where I want to go from here.
It helps on days when things go wrong to remind myself of all the things that are going right in my life. So here are 10 things that I'm grateful for, even when I'm sad.
1. My kids! Lulu and Boo are funny and cute and sweet. They love me. They love me when I'm happy. They love me when I'm grouchy. I wore new shoes today, and as new shoes often do, they irritated one heel and I put a band-aid on to keep it from blistering. Boo was so concerned when he saw it and insisted on giving my heel a kiss. You can't buy that kind of devotion. I am so lucky to have them.
2. I have a job. A good one. When a lot of people don't. I may bitch and moan about something here or there, but at the end of the day, I have a job that pays me well, that is interesting and challenging. I have coworkers who respect me, a boss who supports me, and a schedule that allows me to be with my kids more than most working moms can.
3. I had the courage to end my marriage. It was scary. I doubted myself. I wasn't sure I could make it. But exH did not treat me well when we were together and he wasn't the right person for me from the start. I wanted to leave for nearly three years. THREE YEARS! But I wasn't brave enough. Finally, he cheated, I kicked him out, and I've never once looked back. I won my independence, and I cherish it.
4. That said, I have just about the best relationship now with exH as anyone could have with a former spouse. We bicker and get on each other's nerves, sure, but all in all, he's a good dad and he's trying to do right by me and the kids. It may not be perfect, but it could be SO much worse.
5. I'm healthy. Thank god I have the good health and energy to physically and mentally function as I need to to take care of the kids, perform at my job, and take care of myself.
6. I have an amazing family. My mom would literally do anything for me. Anything. I try not to take advantage of that, but it's nice to know she's there. Lulu, Boo, and I will never want for anything if she can help it, whether that's love, money, a home, whatever. My stepfather loves me as his own. My sister is far away, and we are far apart in age so not always as close as we'd both like, but I know she'd be there for me if I needed her.
7. I have a few true friends. My close friendships are not without complications, but they are real and deep and lasting. I don't have a lot of close friends, but I have three who would (and in a few cases, have) been there in the middle of the night when I needed them. I am terrible about keeping in touch regularly, but it doesn't seem to matter. When I need them, they are magically there. I am not as good a friend to at least one of them as I should be, but she is still there.
8. I am a week away from being almost debt-free. I will still have a car payment and for now, a mortgage, but everything else will be paid off in one week. You will have no idea how hard I've worked for this. I have not been debt-free since I got my first credit card in college. But I will be next week and I hope I can stay that way.
9. I'm loving and lovable. There is no doubt in my mind that there will be another great love (sadly, exH doesn't even qualify, but there were others who did). It may not be P, or even the guy after P, but it will happen. I fall in love easily and happily. I love love. Men tend to be drawn to me because I genuinely like them and find them fascinating. I am assured by others that there are at least four men at work who harbor some sort of crush on me (not even counting P). Nothing will come of them other than friendship, but it's nice to be loved.
10. I am resilient. I have not had the toughest life, for sure, but it hasn't been the easiest either. My dad died when I was 8, leaving behind a secret life for my mom to discover. My mom, understandably, went a little crazy for a few years while I cared for myself and my sister, who was just a baby. I made it through that.
I changed schools 8 times in 12 years. My mom remarried a guy who was legitimately crazy and blamed me for their eventual problems. (She eventually divorced that nut and married a saint whom I and my kids adore.) I was a bit messed up about relationships and struggled throughout high school and college not to drown myself in boys. I made it through all that, too.
I ended up marrying someone with his own troubled past, who turned out to have severe (but undiagnosed) ADHD and an alcohol problem and anger issues to boot. By the time I saw his behavior toward me for the verbal and emotional abuse it was, I had a baby. Then another, because even though I knew by then that I was going to be a single mother, I desperately wanted a second child. And god help me if I didn't have Boo in my life. There were times during my pregnancy with him that I wasn't sure I could take it one more day. And, not even born yet, he saved me. Then exH worsened, blaming me for everything that didn't go right, and finally cheating on me. I made it though that also. I can survive anything.
Anything.
It helps on days when things go wrong to remind myself of all the things that are going right in my life. So here are 10 things that I'm grateful for, even when I'm sad.
1. My kids! Lulu and Boo are funny and cute and sweet. They love me. They love me when I'm happy. They love me when I'm grouchy. I wore new shoes today, and as new shoes often do, they irritated one heel and I put a band-aid on to keep it from blistering. Boo was so concerned when he saw it and insisted on giving my heel a kiss. You can't buy that kind of devotion. I am so lucky to have them.
2. I have a job. A good one. When a lot of people don't. I may bitch and moan about something here or there, but at the end of the day, I have a job that pays me well, that is interesting and challenging. I have coworkers who respect me, a boss who supports me, and a schedule that allows me to be with my kids more than most working moms can.
3. I had the courage to end my marriage. It was scary. I doubted myself. I wasn't sure I could make it. But exH did not treat me well when we were together and he wasn't the right person for me from the start. I wanted to leave for nearly three years. THREE YEARS! But I wasn't brave enough. Finally, he cheated, I kicked him out, and I've never once looked back. I won my independence, and I cherish it.
4. That said, I have just about the best relationship now with exH as anyone could have with a former spouse. We bicker and get on each other's nerves, sure, but all in all, he's a good dad and he's trying to do right by me and the kids. It may not be perfect, but it could be SO much worse.
5. I'm healthy. Thank god I have the good health and energy to physically and mentally function as I need to to take care of the kids, perform at my job, and take care of myself.
6. I have an amazing family. My mom would literally do anything for me. Anything. I try not to take advantage of that, but it's nice to know she's there. Lulu, Boo, and I will never want for anything if she can help it, whether that's love, money, a home, whatever. My stepfather loves me as his own. My sister is far away, and we are far apart in age so not always as close as we'd both like, but I know she'd be there for me if I needed her.
7. I have a few true friends. My close friendships are not without complications, but they are real and deep and lasting. I don't have a lot of close friends, but I have three who would (and in a few cases, have) been there in the middle of the night when I needed them. I am terrible about keeping in touch regularly, but it doesn't seem to matter. When I need them, they are magically there. I am not as good a friend to at least one of them as I should be, but she is still there.
8. I am a week away from being almost debt-free. I will still have a car payment and for now, a mortgage, but everything else will be paid off in one week. You will have no idea how hard I've worked for this. I have not been debt-free since I got my first credit card in college. But I will be next week and I hope I can stay that way.
9. I'm loving and lovable. There is no doubt in my mind that there will be another great love (sadly, exH doesn't even qualify, but there were others who did). It may not be P, or even the guy after P, but it will happen. I fall in love easily and happily. I love love. Men tend to be drawn to me because I genuinely like them and find them fascinating. I am assured by others that there are at least four men at work who harbor some sort of crush on me (not even counting P). Nothing will come of them other than friendship, but it's nice to be loved.
10. I am resilient. I have not had the toughest life, for sure, but it hasn't been the easiest either. My dad died when I was 8, leaving behind a secret life for my mom to discover. My mom, understandably, went a little crazy for a few years while I cared for myself and my sister, who was just a baby. I made it through that.
I changed schools 8 times in 12 years. My mom remarried a guy who was legitimately crazy and blamed me for their eventual problems. (She eventually divorced that nut and married a saint whom I and my kids adore.) I was a bit messed up about relationships and struggled throughout high school and college not to drown myself in boys. I made it through all that, too.
I ended up marrying someone with his own troubled past, who turned out to have severe (but undiagnosed) ADHD and an alcohol problem and anger issues to boot. By the time I saw his behavior toward me for the verbal and emotional abuse it was, I had a baby. Then another, because even though I knew by then that I was going to be a single mother, I desperately wanted a second child. And god help me if I didn't have Boo in my life. There were times during my pregnancy with him that I wasn't sure I could take it one more day. And, not even born yet, he saved me. Then exH worsened, blaming me for everything that didn't go right, and finally cheating on me. I made it though that also. I can survive anything.
Anything.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Part-Time Lover
But ...
The rest of the week? Monday through Friday? It's like I don't exist. I rarely hear from him unless I reach out first. Even then, I don't always get a response to my IMs or emails. When I see him at work, there's no sign of the guy I see on the weekends. Of course, not many people at work know we're dating, so it's not like I expect him to make any big gestures, but there's literally nothing except the occasional passing smile. We don't go for coffee or lunch together. He rarely stops by or makes any contact. Few if any emails or IMs. No "I miss yous". If we do see each other during the week, it's because I ask. And when we do, it's great. See above. But it's always me who initiates it.
How do our amazing weekends vanish from his memory on Monday mornings? It's so confusing ... does he never think about me during the week? Is he just too busy to be bothered? Do the incredible weekends make him pull back? I know he doesn't go out most nights. I'm pretty sure there's no one else. I don't need to be with him every single minute, but I do want a boyfriend more than once a week. I want to be part of his life (and for him to be part of mine) all the time, not just on weekends. I've told him before that I would like to hear from him more often. It helped ... a little. He went from zero to one IM during the week.
What do you guys think? What would you do if you were me? Should I just be happy with the stellar weekends?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The Wave
I'm a little sad today. Yesterday, after a lovely weekend with P (I'm a bit thrilled and a lot scared that I am starting to glimpse a future with him), I came to work, looking forward to my regular coffee run with R, who confided that he and his wife spent their weekend talking about divorce. I was shocked. Things had been rocky over the past few years, but I thought they were doing better lately. Or maybe he just stopped telling me about the bad parts. Even though I am much happier without exH, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially R, who's about the most devoted father I've ever seen. It's not clear what's going to happen with him yet, but I hope they can get through this.
Last night, it occurred to me that if this had happened a year or so ago, my sadness for R and his family would have been mixed with a drop of hope that maybe he and I could be together. Horrible, I know, but I've often wondered if it could work. I don't think about that anymore -- I'm pretty sure we're better off as friends. Plus there's P, who is in many ways the exact opposite of R, and I want to see where that goes.
When exH and I split last February, I knew only one person who was divorced, a colleague I'm not particularly close to who's maybe 10 years older. At 34, I was definitely on the leading edge of the divorce wave. More than a year later, R is struggling with it and so is another coworker. I expect the next year will only bring more news of marriages ending. In many cases, it's the right decision, but that doesn't make it less sad.
I wonder if I will ever be able to take that leap again. Despite knowing several happy couples who have survived failed marriages and found love again, right now it's hard to imagine that I will ever overcome my fundamental doubts about love, and I never again want to go through the "this-is-mine-that-is-yours" bickering that even the most amicable divorces entail. Even in my most fantastical imaginings about P, I don't see us married (good thing since he's said he never wants to get married!). What do other divorced/separated parents think about getting married again?
Last night, it occurred to me that if this had happened a year or so ago, my sadness for R and his family would have been mixed with a drop of hope that maybe he and I could be together. Horrible, I know, but I've often wondered if it could work. I don't think about that anymore -- I'm pretty sure we're better off as friends. Plus there's P, who is in many ways the exact opposite of R, and I want to see where that goes.
When exH and I split last February, I knew only one person who was divorced, a colleague I'm not particularly close to who's maybe 10 years older. At 34, I was definitely on the leading edge of the divorce wave. More than a year later, R is struggling with it and so is another coworker. I expect the next year will only bring more news of marriages ending. In many cases, it's the right decision, but that doesn't make it less sad.
I wonder if I will ever be able to take that leap again. Despite knowing several happy couples who have survived failed marriages and found love again, right now it's hard to imagine that I will ever overcome my fundamental doubts about love, and I never again want to go through the "this-is-mine-that-is-yours" bickering that even the most amicable divorces entail. Even in my most fantastical imaginings about P, I don't see us married (good thing since he's said he never wants to get married!). What do other divorced/separated parents think about getting married again?
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