10 Things

Today started out great. I was rocking a cute outfit, the weather was 60s and sunny, and I was looking forward to grilling steaks and having a few drinks with P on my balcony in the evening. But P let me down and now it doesn't seem like a very good day at all. It's the first time he has done that, and I don't know yet how I feel or what I want to do. I let him know I was disappointed. He apologized. I need to sleep on it to know where I want to go from here.

It helps on days when things go wrong to remind myself of all the things that are going right in my life. So here are 10 things that I'm grateful for, even when I'm sad.

1. My kids! Lulu and Boo are funny and cute and sweet. They love me. They love me when I'm happy. They love me when I'm grouchy. I wore new shoes today, and as new shoes often do, they irritated one heel and I put a band-aid on to keep it from blistering. Boo was so concerned when he saw it and insisted on giving my heel a kiss. You can't buy that kind of devotion. I am so lucky to have them.

2. I have a job. A good one. When a lot of people don't. I may bitch and moan about something here or there, but at the end of the day, I have a job that pays me well, that is interesting and challenging. I have coworkers who respect me, a boss who supports me, and a schedule that allows me to be with my kids more than most working moms can.

3. I had the courage to end my marriage. It was scary. I doubted myself. I wasn't sure I could make it. But exH did not treat me well when we were together and he wasn't the right person for me from the start. I wanted to leave for nearly three years. THREE YEARS! But I wasn't brave enough. Finally, he cheated, I kicked him out, and I've never once looked back. I won my independence, and I cherish it.

4. That said, I have just about the best relationship now with exH as anyone could have with a former spouse. We bicker and get on each other's nerves, sure, but all in all, he's a good dad and he's trying to do right by me and the kids. It may not be perfect, but it could be SO much worse.

5. I'm healthy. Thank god I have the good health and energy to physically and mentally function as I need to to take care of the kids, perform at my job, and take care of myself.

6. I have an amazing family. My mom would literally do anything for me. Anything. I try not to take advantage of that, but it's nice to know she's there. Lulu, Boo, and I will never want for anything if she can help it, whether that's love, money, a home, whatever. My stepfather loves me as his own. My sister is far away, and we are far apart in age so not always as close as we'd both like, but I know she'd be there for me if I needed her.

7. I have a few true friends. My close friendships are not without complications, but they are real and deep and lasting. I don't have a lot of close friends, but I have three who would (and in a few cases, have) been there in the middle of the night when I needed them. I am terrible about keeping in touch regularly, but it doesn't seem to matter. When I need them, they are magically there. I am not as good a friend to at least one of them as I should be, but she is still there.

8. I am a week away from being almost debt-free. I will still have a car payment and for now, a mortgage, but everything else will be paid off in one week. You will have no idea how hard I've worked for this. I have not been debt-free since I got my first credit card in college. But I will be next week and I hope I can stay that way.

9. I'm loving and lovable. There is no doubt in my mind that there will be another great love (sadly, exH doesn't even qualify, but there were others who did). It may not be P, or even the guy after P, but it will happen. I fall in love easily and happily. I love love. Men tend to be drawn to me because I genuinely like them and find them fascinating. I am assured by others that there are at least four men at work who harbor some sort of crush on me (not even counting P). Nothing will come of them other than friendship, but it's nice to be loved.

10. I am resilient. I have not had the toughest life, for sure, but it hasn't been the easiest either. My dad died when I was 8, leaving behind a secret life for my mom to discover. My mom, understandably, went a little crazy for a few years while I cared for myself and my sister, who was just a baby.  I made it through that.

I changed schools 8 times in 12 years. My mom remarried a guy who was legitimately crazy and blamed me for their eventual problems. (She eventually divorced that nut and married a saint whom I and my kids adore.) I was a bit messed up about relationships and struggled throughout high school and college not to drown myself in boys. I made it through all that, too.

I ended up marrying someone with his own troubled past, who turned out to have severe (but undiagnosed) ADHD and an alcohol problem and anger issues to boot. By the time I saw his behavior toward me for the verbal and emotional abuse it was, I had a baby. Then another, because even though I knew by then that I was going to be a single mother, I desperately wanted a second child. And god help me if I didn't have Boo in my life. There were times during my pregnancy with him that I wasn't sure I could take it one more day. And, not even born yet, he saved me. Then exH worsened, blaming me for everything that didn't go right, and finally cheating on me. I made it though that also. I can survive anything.

Anything.