Baggage, Baby

Last night, I went to see P, and he casually mentioned something critical that someone in his group said about a presentation I had given at work the day before. The comment infuriated me because I have a long history of not getting along with several people in that group but I thought I had finally gotten past it. I was frustrated and got upset with P because I felt like he should have defended me to his colleague. He of all people should have known I wouldn't have intentionally insulted his group! I started to cry, and he left the room, which made me feel even worse.

The drama queen in me was dying to just walk out and go home. And a few years ago? That's exactly what I would have done, followed by a tearful plea for forgiveness a few days later. But I'd already had a few drama-tinged moments with P and as a result, we'd had a shaky few weeks. My uncertainty over how he felt about me and what exactly we were doing made me feel insecure and uneasy, and I got so anxious about it all that I broke up with him a couple weeks ago. It only lasted a week, and things already felt back to normal, but the issues that caused my anxiety hadn't really been resolved, either. And last night they came flooding back ... why didn't he care that I was upset? did he have feelings for me at all? So I got up to leave, but it hit me that if I did, not only would I be doing possibly permanent damage, but I still wouldn't know how he felt and where I stood. And all over a comment that he didn't even make, just reported.

So I splashed some water on my face, took some deep breaths, and went out to talk to him. It was probably the best, most honest conversation we've had since we first started dating. I'm so glad I didn't leave.

Dating after divorce is hard. You can't help but bring along baggage from the marriage, along with any pre-marriage issues. I love P for who he is, but I am also incredibly grateful for everything that I am learning about myself being with him. I see so clearly now so many of the mistakes I made in past relationships and I see myself starting to make them again. Only now, I'm (sometimes) able to stop and change course. It's incredibly empowering to see that I just might be able to get out of the damaging patterns I was in before, dump some of that worn out baggage, and do it better this time.

Today, P came out to lunch with me, Lulu, and Boo. It was the first time he'd met them, and it was something I'd spent a lot of time thinking about. It took three months for me to be ready. I wanted to be sure that he was going to be around for awhile before I introduced them, and if I'm honest, I also worried that he wouldn't like the mom side of me as much as the rest. So today could have been a huge, pressure-filled event. Except, it wasn't at all. I invited him without thinking too much about it and after a brief hesitation on his part, it all worked out just fine.