Letting Go

ExH and I are currently finalizing our divorce agreement and it has been tough. Stressful, tense, scary, and all-around unpleasant. Money discussions with exH are especially tense, mainly because neither of us really has any. But as awful as it has been to work out this agreement, I fully realize that it could be so much worse. At least we CAN talk about it, even if we have to take frequent "I hate you right this moment and cannot be rational" breaks to get it done. So far there have been no lawyers involved, except to guide us through the actual filing process. We haven't dragged our kids into it. As far as these things go, I have to believe we are about as amicable as possible.

That's also the problem. I am moving on with my life. I'm happy with P, happy living on my own, happy not being married to exH anymore. ExH on the other hand, is not moving on. I'm not sure that he wants to be back together, but he definitely wants and expects a closer relationship than I do. I'm content to be friendly and pleasant, but I don't really want to be friends. He still considers me his best friend.

I've been struggling with him to set the right boundaries for our new relationship. Or, more to the point, I set them and he constantly oversteps them. Which forces me to push back, and I know it often comes across as bitchy. This is definitely something we're going to have to work out if he moves in.

I've been puzzled as to why we're in such different places ... we were both miserable in the marriage, after all, and we both readily agreed that separating was the right decision. So why can't he let go? Then, last night I had dinner with my only divorced friend, K. She explained it perfectly when she said that abuse and neglect and infidelity kill love. I can't say I was an angel, especially once exH's drinking/verbal abuse cycle really heated up, but I sure as hell never beat him down the way he did me. I made a lot of mistakes, but mine were all minor and they were not "love killers". He even admitted that a few months ago when he pointed out that I stood by him for years, tried to get him help and make things better, while he repaid me in anger and disdain.

It's sad to see him struggle with letting go, but I hope he can, because that is the only way we will ever be the kind of friends he'd like us to be.