How Do You Know?

This post on What's love got to do with it? got me thinking ... how DO you know when someone loves you? How do you know when you're in love? I am pretty quick to say the L word in new relationships and as a result, I am almost always the first one to say it (though thankfully, I've never said it to someone who didn't eventually say it back ... more on that in a second!). But what triggers that feeling? Sometimes it has happened slowly, over a few months; other times it has been almost instantaneous.

I dated two guys seriously in college and one followed the first pattern -- we dated on and off for a few months, but we were both dating other people as well and while there was a lot of passion, neither one of us saw it as love. Eventually, we ended up dating more seriously and said I love you to each other (looking back, I don't know that I really meant it even though we were together for a few years). The other guy fell into the instant soulmate category. "I love you"s were exchanged within weeks, if not days, of our first kiss, and I continued to love him just as intensely for the year we were together and for many years (albeit eventually platonically) after that. I've only found one other "soulmate" love like that, and sadly, it wasn't with exH. That person is married, as was I at the time, so we channeled that love into a strong friendship that has lasted for four years now. I no longer fantasize about what it would be like to run away with him; I just love him and support him and he does the same for me though we definitely have our ups and downs. (Unfortunately he hates P, so that has made the past few months difficult, but I am confident our friendship will survive.)

I told P I loved him a few weeks ago, knowing he couldn't say it back. I warned him I probably wouldn't say it again, because it's not fair when I know he isn't there yet, but that I just wanted him to know. He seemed thrilled and surprised and asked why. I'm not sure yet what P's deal is, but I suspect he might think that there's not much about him to love. I disagree -- he's funny and intelligent and has a completely different take on the world than I do. I like listening to his theories on the universe, the afterlife, the decline of music since 1980, and whatever else is on his mind. He challenges me to think differently. And I love that he's a beer-drinking, car-loving, 100% guys' guy who just happens to have a master's degree in poetry from a famous writing program. I love his blue eyes and the crazy blood-pressure-lowering effect he has on me. I love that we don't always have to talk. Maybe most of all, I love that he doesn't NEED me. He's an independent, self-sufficient grownup who, unlike exH, can manage his finances and everything else on his own. He could use some help in the wardrobe department, but hey, his total lack of style is sorta endearing too. No one's perfect.

Does P love me? I don't think he does yet, or if he does, he doesn't know it. He told me he's only been in love once, back in college, and he's 45! So it may never happen for him. At the very least, it's going to take some time for him to get there. But that doesn't stop me from looking for signs. I know that agreeing to be exclusive was a huge thing for him, as was meeting Lulu and Boo, so for now, I'm content with where we are, and we'll see what happens next. It's hard to remember that taking it slow is a good thing for me right now. I'm not even divorced yet!