Look, most days, I'm fine. Sometimes even better than fine. I can count the number of times I've lost it over the past 14 months on both hands. Still, it happens. And when it does, I'm completely thrown for a loop.
Things have been going along relatively smoothly lately. ExH was out of town (and more to the point, out of cell reach) so he hadn't been causing any trouble. P, despite a in-the-grand-scheme-of-things small screwup on Thursday, has been good, listening to my various problems patiently and offering what he could in the way of support. Work has been quiet, which is boring, but certainly not stressful. So it seemed out of the blue last night when suddenly, in the middle of Lulu and Boo's bath, when I was struck by a wave of "I just can't take it one more day." I managed to get through dinner and bedtime without collapsing, but the wave kept pulling me under like when you're standing on the beach and the sand is slowly eroding out from under your feet.
I ran a bath in my beloved gigantic tub (must enjoy it as much as possible before I move), poured a comically large glass of Shiraz, and tried to figure out what was causing the angst. A lot of it, I think, is uncertainty over the future. I know the kids and I will most likely be moving this summer, but whether I can buy or will have to rent is unknown, and that dictates somewhat where we can move. Finances are causing me stress, as usual. I just paid an astronomical amount for summer camps for Lulu, which are a requirement since I work full-time. My bonus arrives tomorrow, which will wipe out much of my remaining non-car, non-mortgage debt (well, it would have if not for camp costs), but I don't know exactly what it will be post-tax. Still, I am so grateful for this money. It's not a lot, but for me right now, it's a life saver. Finally, exH STILL has not agreed to the divorce terms, though he promises he will this week. I've heard that before.
So how to manage the uncertainty and stay focused on NOW? I've never been good at this (see my last post!).
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
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I have been in that exact state of overwhelmed-ingness (let's create a new word, shall we?) way too much over the past few years. That, for me, is where my faith comes in. But, I think putting out into "the universe" what you wish for is helpful. A little positive thought and visualization never hurts. I think it's when you have no clue about the future that panic sets in, and you are truly forced into staying in the moment. As once again, that's all you really have. I'm glad you are getting some money-that's always a brief alleviation of stress.
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