Of Conflicts and Cats

How do you deal with conflict? Are you passive, aggressive, passive aggressive, somewhere in between? I used to believe I was conflict-averse, but I think I was just afraid of what people would think if I spoke my mind. Now that I no longer give a shit what people think (affairs, divorce, and dating a coworker tend to get you past that fairly effectively, and xanax helps too, not that I am recommending any of those options), I find that I'm pretty comfortable and open with conflict. Most of the time.

I worry about this in relation to other people in my life. P is pretty passive. Not passive aggressive, fortunately, but highly uncomfortable with any sort of conflict. He will do pretty much anything not to deal with it. It worries me because I don't always know when he's frustrated or upset and occasionally that will cause a blowup. I also worry because I think he will never have the balls (or "chilattes" as a friend's 5-year-old son recently called them) to break up with me, even if/when he should. P could be all but married to someone else before he'd get up the nerve to tell me. So, yeah, that could be a problem.

ExH is the poster boy for passive aggressiveness. It comes out in funny ways, like leaving my kitchen a mess every single time he's at my house. Dirty dishes, crap spilled on the counters, odd bowls of half-eaten mystery food in the fridge. He knows it pisses me off because I have told him and asked (nicely!!) if he wouldn't mind cleaning up just a bit. But still, he does it every time. I'm trying to get past it because it's sure better than having him berate me with 12 years of wrongs (real and imagined) that I have done him. And I'm not entirely unfamiliar with the sinister joy of a true passive aggressive gesture. I did somehow end up getting two cats over the past year even though (or was it because ...?) he's highly allergic. Willa (left) and Molly sure aren't telling!

New Year's Reflections, Part 2: A Look Ahead

Now that we've put 2010 to rest, here are a few things I'd like to do better in 2011. I haven't perfected these yet -- you're the first to hear them -- so bear with me. Last year's resolutions -- take the stairs, wash my face, and rise above -- had the benefit of being pithy, memorable, and even symbolic. So this year's have some big shoes to fill.

1. Along the lines of take the stairs, this year I want to drink more water. And get Lulu and Boo in the habit of drinking water more often too. I bought this handy little water system a couple of months ago and I love it! All the convenience of bottled water without the cost or the waste. We've all been drinking more water lately thanks to it.

2. And following the massive success of last year's wash my face pledge, this year, I'm going to brush every night. I know, I know, how did I survive 36 years without regularly washing my face or brushing my teeth every night? It's horrible, so this year, I'm going to get in the habit of brushing every night. I'm already in there washing my face, so it can't be that hard, right? You may be underestimating how lazy I can be at night! But I am optimistic about this one. Hey, maybe next year I'll tackle flossing! Wouldn't my dentist be proud.

3. Rise above, while noble, had limited success. Perhaps I'm just a petty, small-minded person (likely) or perhaps it was just too far-reaching to remember consistently. Who knows. But it's clear that more specific, focused resolutions work better for me. So instead of "just be nice" (a worthy contender for this slot), I'm going to go with "wait a day". That means before I buy anything non-essential, make any major decisions, or embark on any potentially difficult conversations, I'm going to hold off for 24 hours. I tend to be more impulsive than I'd like to be, especially when it comes to shopping and "we need to have a talk" moments.

4. Finally, out of both necessity and the fact that I already own more jeans than anyone should, I'm taking a short-term (90-day) no-clothes/shoes-shopping pledge. I'm putting it here because then I'll feel even guiltier if I break my promise!

Happy New Year!

New Year's Reflections, Part 1: A Look Back

Well, so, 2010. It was sometimes trying, mostly rewarding, often both at the same time. I learned some important, if painful lessons about who I am and who I want to be. And I was pleasantly surprised to note (occasionally) that the space between wasn't as wide as I thought. Before we get too far into 2011, let's do a quick recap of the past year's highs and lows, shall we?

• I embarked on my first post-exH relationship, which has been a goldmine of lessons, large and small. Most of which you have had the dubious privilege of learning right along with me.
• ExH moved back in with us, then our divorce was finalized, followed almost immediately by exH's total breakdown and the end of our so-called "good divorce".
• I bought a house, packed up the old one and got moved in with minimal trauma.
• Lulu got settled in at a new school, learning to ride the bus and buy lunch in the process. Big stuff when you're 6!
• I relearned how to live on a very tight budget, thanks to six months of no child support from exH. Wish I'd never unlearned that one!

Overall, while 2010 wasn't perhaps the most enjoyable year ever, I can easily say it was one of the most valuable. I'm better for it, the good and the bad. If I had to sum up the lessons of 2010 in one (hyphenated) word, it would be ... self-control. My ability to control how I act and react, and how I choose to see myself and the challenges in my life shape 99% of my mood and outlook. Choosing to be happy, choosing to keep perspective, choosing to view my life in a positive way actually makes me happier. If I could take only one thing with me into 2011, that would be it.

Tough Calls

Decisions I never thought I'd have to make a few years ago ...
1. Whether to spend Thanksgiving with my ex who hates me (Yes, sigh.)
2. When, if ever, to allow my boyfriend to spend the night while the kids were home (Last Sat.)
3. Whether or not to discuss decision#2 with the aforementioned exH beforehand (No way Jose!)

Yeah, single parenting is a bit trickier than I imagined. Especially once there are new significant others to consider. If you had asked me this time last year, or even a couple of months ago, I would have said that I'd never have a boyfriend spend the night when my kids were home. And to be honest with you, I'm not 100% sure it was the right decision. I AM 100% sure there will be some consequences when exH hears about it.

But, P and I are turning into something more real than we were before and I'm not as content to keep my life with him separate from the rest of my world as I was before. More and more, I want him to know Lulu and Boo outside of the occasional visit. I want him to know me in a different way -- not just as a colleague and a girlfriend, but as a mother, too. After all, if there's ever a next step for us -- if there's ever even to be a conversation about next steps -- we both need to know if he can be part of my whole world, if he even wants to. It's a lot to ask of someone, a lot he would have to change. I don't know if I could change that much for someone else, frankly.

All that makes it sound like I gave this decision careful consideration. Which I confess I didn't. It was getting late on Sat. night, we had a nice fire going in the fireplace, and P was getting sleepy. It seemed silly to send him home, so I asked him if he felt comfortable staying. And you know what, it was FUN having him stay over. Everyone seemed comfortable and relaxed. P stuck around until noon -- far later than I expected. The kids had fun playing with him. So I'm glad I did it, even if it might not have been the "right" thing to do.

As for Thanksgiving, after some drama on Monday and Tuesday, the day itself was smooth sailing. All it required were a few lies on my part to smooth things out with exH and assure him we all wanted him to come to dinner. It's only going to get harder, though. Someday exH or I will want to spend holidays with the kids, but not with each other. We'll have to start taking turns with them, which means there will come a holiday when I'm not with my kids. I'm not looking forward to that day.

Can You Choose to Be Happy?

Today's post is another one that has been bouncing around my head in the few hours when I am not working, sleeping, or browsing the Internet. It's about what it means to be happy and whether or not happiness is something you can choose.

I thought for a long, long time that happiness was somehow handed to you. Something that if you were nice and smart and tried to do the right things would just settle down upon you gracefully, like a light dusting of snow.

That didn't work out so well. So now what?

Now, I think you can choose happiness. Not to say that it's always easy. I have an exH who may or may not actually hate me, but who is at least deeply angry at me. And who hasn't paid a penny in child support since June. My "emergency" savings is quickly dwindling. I am chronically overtired from working full-time plus doing extra freelance to make ends meet, taking care of the house and two adorable but needy kids, and trying to squeeze in a little bit of a life with P. There's a lot in my day-to-day life that isn't a whole lot of fun. I don't always feel all that happy.

But on the flip side, I've got two adorable, healthy kids who are needy because they know I am the parent they can count on 100%. ExH is awful to me, but at least he loves Lulu and Boo. And I don't have to live with him anymore. I may not have much extra money, but the freelance job (courtesy of WW of all people) is certainly a blessing. Work is overwhelming, but challenging. And at least I have a boyfriend who loves me (and actually says it, which I never thought would happen). He even gave me my own drawer this weekend. P's transformation from a die-hard commitment-phobic bachelor into a legitimate "I love you"-saying, drawer-giving boyfriend? Who says there's no such thing as miracles?

So what's not to be happy about?

Take the Stairs

I've written at least a dozen posts in my head over the past month or so, but there's a slight problem. When I have the energy to write, I don't seem to have the time. And when I have the time? I'm too fried to do anything but sleep or gaze blankly at QVC. (Or both ... I often wake up to the midnight announcement of the TSV -- Today's Special Value for those in the know.)

But there are a couple of posts that have kind of clung to my few remaining brain cells, begging to be written. So I'm going to try to squish them all into one. Bear with me.

Take the Stairs

First, the title of this post: Take the Stairs. This was one of my New Year's Resolutions. (There were three. And in a remarkable triumph of memory and intention, I remember all three and have actually done them.*) When I made the resolution, I meant it literally: walk my ass up the f*ing stairs instead of slouching to the elevator to my 4th floor office. Every day, every time I go in or out of the office. Because it's easy, cheap exercise and I feel less lazy when I do it.

But over time, that phrase started to take on some larger meanings ... take the high road, don't slip into the "lazy" old patterns; don't take shortcuts, if you're going to do something, do it right. Take the stairs. And for the most part, I've done that, especially in my relationships. Oh, I've stumbled more than a few times. But I've learned a lot, too. And each time, it gets a little easier to be nice to exH, to be rational and secure with P, to plow through work stuff I'd rather not do, to be kinder to those coworkers I'd prefer to strangle, to be patient with Lulu and Boo. Practice makes ... perfect-ish.

Do You See What I See?
I had a moment last week that I think may have actually changed my life. I know, sounds dramatic, but in just one conversation, I suddenly began to question how I see the whole world.

So here's the backstory. A couple weeks ago, P and I went to NYC for the day for a work meeting. L, a colleague who lives in New Orleans, came with us. Here's what you need to know about L: she's very pretty, super-stylish, and is living with one of P's closest friends. She and I are friendly, but not close. She and P are friends through his friend. In the days leading up to the trip, P and I had been under a lot of pressure and hadn't seen each other much. So that's where we start.

Here's how the trip went from my perspective: P was happy and friendly with L, even a touch flirty, perhaps. He barely talked to me, but seemed to pay attention to L's every word. They chatted about P's friend and reminisced about some crazy parties the three of them had been to. I was pretty quiet most of the day, feeling like a third wheel. When we got back, I dropped L off at her hotel, then took P home. He didn't invite me in and I left convinced he was done with me.

But here's the twist. The next night, there was a party at the office and L and I got to talking. She asked how things were with P. She mentioned that he seemed so "happy and relaxed" around me and commented that she was thrilled to see us so happy together.

What?

Since I'd had a few gin and tonics, I poured out my side of the NYC trip. She was genuinely stunned -- she hadn't seen it my way at all. To her, we seemed fine -- great, even. She said she'd never seen P so happy.

Is it possible that I'd had it all wrong?

And if so, how many other scenes like that had I completely misinterpreted? I started thinking back to all the times I'd been in similar situations, wondering if just maybe there was another way to see things. Have you ever seen this optical illusion? If you look at it one way, you'll see an old lady; look again and you can see a beautiful young woman.

Is it possible I've spent my life only seeing the old hag and missing out on the beauty?

Stay tuned for another post on recent revelations. Right now, I need to check out the latest TSV!

*The other two were to wash my face every night (gross, I know, but I never used to do it and now I do!) and to "rise above" all the crap. I'll give myself a C+ there.

Fun With Fall

The temperature has finally fallen below 70 and I am loving fall! The constant rain is less charming, but I'll take any opportunity to bust out the boots and sweaters. Here are a few things I'm wearing this season, plus one bonus recipe!

Hello, My Name Is Robyn and I Am Addicted to Denim

You all know how I love my jeans, especially my Hudsons. I recently replaced nearly my entire jean stash after dropping two sizes this summer (yay!). I sold most of my designer pairs on eBay or at my local consignment shop, but since I couldn't afford an entire denim wardrobe of new Hudsons, I branched out a little and have some new faves to share. (Old Navy's Diva Skinny Jeans are still a staple -- I have them in three colors!)

* Paige Premium Denim: I only owned one pair of Paige jeans before recently, but I am addicted now! eBay has some amazing deals, and I've scooped up two pairs of black skinnies (they're different, trust me!) and an orange (!) pair, all in the Skyline cut. They are sooooo soft and comfortable. I've also seen them at TJ Maxx and Loehmann's, just never in my size sadly.

* Gap Girls Skinny Jeans: I recently discovered that I can wear Gap girls' jeans in a size 16-18, which is so cool since those sizes are often on clearance. I'd say the 16 runs between a 2 and 4 and the 18 runs between a 4 and 6 depending on the cut. I scored a gorgeous pair of plum stretch skinny jeans for $14 and a cute studded pair for $16. Warning ... the length varies dramatically. The studded jeans fit my 5'2" height perfectly (with enough length to wear with boots) while the plum pair was about 4" too long.

* Rock & Republic: I adore the giant embroidered "R"s on the back pockets (mine have them in red; pink and silver are on my wish list) and this is another brand that's easy to score at the discount stores and on eBay. Very chic.

Boots, Boots, Boots!

I've only bought one new pair -- these Frye Billy Shorts in Taupe that P and I scored at Loehmann's for half the regular price. They are so comfortable and add a certain sauciness to any outfit. I confess that I am loving the new over-the-knee styles, but I haven't been brave enough to try them yet. For now, I am searching for the perfect gray boots -- I'm thinking charcoal suede with a heel ....



Finally ... Food!

Fall food is probably my favorite. I love soups, stews, squash ... Thanksgiving dinner is pretty much the highlight of my culinary year. So I am excited to share a delicious chili recipe that I made for P last night. We both ate WAY too much because it was so, so good. And it's versatile too -- P has some weird kidney bean aversion, so I left those out. I'm making it for the kids this week and I'll skip the bell pepper for them as Lulu tends to view anything green skeptically. Seriously, go make this tonight -- it's super easy and fast and did I mention GOOD?

Recipe: Beef Chili from Smitten Kitchen ... Yum!