Of Conflicts and Cats

How do you deal with conflict? Are you passive, aggressive, passive aggressive, somewhere in between? I used to believe I was conflict-averse, but I think I was just afraid of what people would think if I spoke my mind. Now that I no longer give a shit what people think (affairs, divorce, and dating a coworker tend to get you past that fairly effectively, and xanax helps too, not that I am recommending any of those options), I find that I'm pretty comfortable and open with conflict. Most of the time.

I worry about this in relation to other people in my life. P is pretty passive. Not passive aggressive, fortunately, but highly uncomfortable with any sort of conflict. He will do pretty much anything not to deal with it. It worries me because I don't always know when he's frustrated or upset and occasionally that will cause a blowup. I also worry because I think he will never have the balls (or "chilattes" as a friend's 5-year-old son recently called them) to break up with me, even if/when he should. P could be all but married to someone else before he'd get up the nerve to tell me. So, yeah, that could be a problem.

ExH is the poster boy for passive aggressiveness. It comes out in funny ways, like leaving my kitchen a mess every single time he's at my house. Dirty dishes, crap spilled on the counters, odd bowls of half-eaten mystery food in the fridge. He knows it pisses me off because I have told him and asked (nicely!!) if he wouldn't mind cleaning up just a bit. But still, he does it every time. I'm trying to get past it because it's sure better than having him berate me with 12 years of wrongs (real and imagined) that I have done him. And I'm not entirely unfamiliar with the sinister joy of a true passive aggressive gesture. I did somehow end up getting two cats over the past year even though (or was it because ...?) he's highly allergic. Willa (left) and Molly sure aren't telling!

New Year's Reflections, Part 2: A Look Ahead

Now that we've put 2010 to rest, here are a few things I'd like to do better in 2011. I haven't perfected these yet -- you're the first to hear them -- so bear with me. Last year's resolutions -- take the stairs, wash my face, and rise above -- had the benefit of being pithy, memorable, and even symbolic. So this year's have some big shoes to fill.

1. Along the lines of take the stairs, this year I want to drink more water. And get Lulu and Boo in the habit of drinking water more often too. I bought this handy little water system a couple of months ago and I love it! All the convenience of bottled water without the cost or the waste. We've all been drinking more water lately thanks to it.

2. And following the massive success of last year's wash my face pledge, this year, I'm going to brush every night. I know, I know, how did I survive 36 years without regularly washing my face or brushing my teeth every night? It's horrible, so this year, I'm going to get in the habit of brushing every night. I'm already in there washing my face, so it can't be that hard, right? You may be underestimating how lazy I can be at night! But I am optimistic about this one. Hey, maybe next year I'll tackle flossing! Wouldn't my dentist be proud.

3. Rise above, while noble, had limited success. Perhaps I'm just a petty, small-minded person (likely) or perhaps it was just too far-reaching to remember consistently. Who knows. But it's clear that more specific, focused resolutions work better for me. So instead of "just be nice" (a worthy contender for this slot), I'm going to go with "wait a day". That means before I buy anything non-essential, make any major decisions, or embark on any potentially difficult conversations, I'm going to hold off for 24 hours. I tend to be more impulsive than I'd like to be, especially when it comes to shopping and "we need to have a talk" moments.

4. Finally, out of both necessity and the fact that I already own more jeans than anyone should, I'm taking a short-term (90-day) no-clothes/shoes-shopping pledge. I'm putting it here because then I'll feel even guiltier if I break my promise!

Happy New Year!

New Year's Reflections, Part 1: A Look Back

Well, so, 2010. It was sometimes trying, mostly rewarding, often both at the same time. I learned some important, if painful lessons about who I am and who I want to be. And I was pleasantly surprised to note (occasionally) that the space between wasn't as wide as I thought. Before we get too far into 2011, let's do a quick recap of the past year's highs and lows, shall we?

• I embarked on my first post-exH relationship, which has been a goldmine of lessons, large and small. Most of which you have had the dubious privilege of learning right along with me.
• ExH moved back in with us, then our divorce was finalized, followed almost immediately by exH's total breakdown and the end of our so-called "good divorce".
• I bought a house, packed up the old one and got moved in with minimal trauma.
• Lulu got settled in at a new school, learning to ride the bus and buy lunch in the process. Big stuff when you're 6!
• I relearned how to live on a very tight budget, thanks to six months of no child support from exH. Wish I'd never unlearned that one!

Overall, while 2010 wasn't perhaps the most enjoyable year ever, I can easily say it was one of the most valuable. I'm better for it, the good and the bad. If I had to sum up the lessons of 2010 in one (hyphenated) word, it would be ... self-control. My ability to control how I act and react, and how I choose to see myself and the challenges in my life shape 99% of my mood and outlook. Choosing to be happy, choosing to keep perspective, choosing to view my life in a positive way actually makes me happier. If I could take only one thing with me into 2011, that would be it.